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Good morning people of the internet. I have killed all my cars so have had to buy a new one. It is 11.15am as I type this and I have done three poos and one small vomit as a result of a choking fit. Stage one was returning a 1.3 diesel Corsavan to my work, where today's caper starts.

Seems like it's that time of the month again... At least the weather is nice and should stay like this on the way home. No photos of breakfast, it was a bowl of cereal. Poo count zero.

It’s been a while but the familiar ache/burn got too much and I gave in again. For context I was bidding on a certain vehicle on eBay in early August, missed out on winning it by a fiver or something and called it a draw. As we all know this feeling of nonchalance manifests itself in a desire to do better next time. I put it down to be being the wrong time for such things, seeing as though child number 3 was due to be born in about 60 days’ time. With that in mind, and the feeling of freedom of the first day free from work and/or childcare since March I put my pushbike on the train, rode it a few stops and got out at Leeds urban bike park, where I was having a lovely time until I decided to have one more go at a set of jumps. The ground came out of nowhere and twatted me goodstyle in various places, mainly my left (dominant) arm which broke either side of the elbow. None of this matters a great deal but today finds me able to drive again and having won a subsequent eBay auction for a similar vehicle. The first part of the journey is on foot, in to the depths of Ravensthorpe no less

Oh yes you bet its that time again! How can you make your car purchases that little more exciting and questionable? By buying it sight unseen in another country during a pandemic of course! You might remember my previous European collection mission, which technically never happened since I still haven't collected the car. Its currently at the house of a friend of the seller. It was originally supposed to be fixed up and ready by the beginning of May, Due to this whole pandemic thing and the fact that I couldn't actually leave the UK (and people on the other side also having had to worry about other things) the car wasn't ready though. It still isn't, but I have the promise (and address) of the seller that it will be done, and I should have the chance to see it again when I visit my parents. I might even throw my fuel pump in and hopefully make it run again. I will be there Monday. However, this is not the car this thread is about! There has been another purchase which needed a little more preparation in advance! Once again it all started with a search alert on one of the large German used car websites. The car was offered for a suspiciously low price after having been listed for about a grand more about a week before. Further investigation revealed that it was owned by a member of a facebook community I am also member of (somehow the seller must have remembered my comments on his post from absolute ages ago). We quickly got into a discussion, trust was built and a price negotiated. At this point it was clear that the seller just wanted to get rid of it, offering me the car, plus a significant amount of brand new spares, for a rediculously low sum. Now the reason the seller wanted to get rid of the car was an interesting one. Shortly after purchase (and posting in our FB group) an Audi driver apparently turned around in the middle of the road and just bumped into his car. While the damage wasn't too bad, the rarity of the car (and the fact that it was never sold in Europe) made the whole insurance claim spiel an absolute pita. Long story short, the Audi driver's insurance didnt want to pay the sum needed to fix the car properly (no surprise considering everything would need to be bought and shipped over from the States), he got irritated of the whole story and just wanted to get rid of the car. I contacted a friend of mine (who I wanted to purchase the car so I wouldnt have to), inquired if he could ask his mechanic to collect it, which he could on super short notice, and off he went. The car was delivered for a reasonable price, and with his mechanic offering very fair rates, everything TUV relevant was repaired (using the free spares) and the car inspected before I even saw it in person. I will collect my temporary 5-day plates on Monday and hopefully drive it back on my 5 hour trip to my parents without too much trouble. Maybe, if everything actually goes smoothly. Which it totally will during a pandemic in a 22 year old car. I guess you'll find out! Hint's (and picture of main visual damage) below!

An early start for me today... Mode of transport 1 Poo count - 0

Poo count: zero. Not straying too far from home. I hope it's not a nail - it looks great in the pics...

A day off work today to go and pick up some new shite that's inconveniently located at the opposite end of the country. Will the trains be on time? Will it break down on the way back. Let's see. No breakfast pic as I finished it before I remembered to start this thread.

To start with, I'm knackered, I've just finished a night shift that although was busy, it seemed to never end. A steady drive home, a quick power nap, get the kids up and make some brekker. Faced with the impending ULEZ and whatnot (for which there is a very good lengthy thread. If you want to talk about it, do it there) I can't keep running a diesel Saab 9-3. I was just going to cope with it, but TfL just put up a camera up on a long pole on my route to work - I can't imagine anyone wanting to vandalise that 20ft up in the air. I was going to drive most of the way, park as close to the camera as possible and walk the rest, but this scuppers it. Anyway, I was looking on eBay for a submission for 'The Price is Shite' thread last week and saw an unsuitable car, put a watch on it and promptly ignored it. My phone chirruped when I was talking to my brother with 15 minutes left on the auction. In that time, we'd looked over the MOT history/ checked the road tax and checked its ULEZ/CAZ compliance and he offered to lend me half of the money if I won, (enabler!) I bunged a bid in with three seconds to go and promptly won it for £££, and not £££££££. So vital statistics as per tradition: Miles to go: 159 each way, London will be achieved by 12:00 Turdification count = 0 (although my body clock is so messed up, literally anything can happen) Hayfever symptoms = mild to light Passengers = 1 Boom_daughter_elder (Boom_daughter_v2 is being looked after by my long-suffering brother for the day)

So on the weekend where we have panic buying of fuel, I'm doing the sensible thing and buying a car. And one that will drink fuel.... First mode of transport today was the V70 with Al twittering about the Proton Savvy and how if I'm having another car, then so is he...Fair enough but I think you'll soon see how different our tastes in cars is lol 2nd mode of transport today - This has required a bit of faffing to co-ordinate due to RMT strikes on Sundays for the foreseeable. This could be fun....

So. I thought I’d entertain* y’all with my trials and tribulations keeping my (mostly entirely boring) fleet of chod on the road. I’ll start with the current and if you’re all lucky* maybe include some history, garage relics/garden ornaments and future hopes and dreams. It’s highly likely the thread may go down like a boat anchor and I’ll get bored of updating though a man can try hey. So. On he road and in use and at large. This here’s mostly the boring bit. exhibit one; r1100 gs 96 model oil boiler with that there new fangeled fuel Injection, first bike I’ve had with it seems all good to be fair. Cuts fuel splashage at turn of key when a pipe breaks loose and no tapping the float bowl. Also has abs which is frankly fucking dangerous as I use it a fair bit off road and it needs key off reset everyfuckingtime which is of zero help when you forget and are about to Chuck it off the side of the alps. The amount of times that ive been looking for which tree to grab before I ghost it into oblivion is more than I care to remember. Great bike mind, now running rt final drive so fast cruising a go go. Super reliable* much fun. Really didn’t think I’d like it, bought for a euro trip years ago and now probably run it till it dies. Does feel like it should have a steering wheel rather than bars but holds its own on road and off. Heavy cunt to pic up mind. Status; Currently languishing in mid France after a ftp when gearbag shed its cogs. Exhibit two; soon to be ulez extension outlawed mk7 tranny. Roller painted in raf blue grey as gifted it with ruined back doors and wanted a window. All doors came in different colours less of an eyesore as stands. Land Rover steels with welded in centre bores and Jdm yo arch’s cos I’m cool as fuck. is my daily as builder by trade and semi converted tramper van as do lots of camping/ off roading/ doging when chance permits. Status; Lots. No really lots of welding done, they’ll be more next ticket same as every year for the last 2o odd of transit ownership. ( have had a few). It ain’t no banana but it’s alright. Shall enjoy it before relegated to horse and cart/milk float/dry bummed finance package in the soon coming future. exhibit 3 Her 1.8 pez focus its an car. It does ok. Seems a bit juicy dash said 23 mpg back from Devon which is worse than the transit did to Scotland though I was lead footing it and none of the four of us could be considered small people. We had it 3 months or so, has been crashed into four times! Shame really as was clean when bought. Hopefully wright off with latest stoved in wing and becomes a free car. I’ll buy it back and put the money towards fuel, and oil. Burns a bit tadts plus is on 150k. Boot lock don’t unlock and it’s a bit vibey. shes happy (for now) so all good. C1 piglet Toyota would be my choice though she’d really like a jag or capri which would be nice though time/money stretched enough already. That’s it for current legit on the road. There’s lots more kicking around shall add when time if any interest.

Well shit, that's over 9 threats! A triple collection thread. All MOTd. All possibly starting. All presumably stopping. The collection train starts in Glasgow at 12.15 picking up 2x shiters. A further shiter will be collected on the way. 4 shiters. 440 miles. 7hrs. Live updates in 3hrs if anyone can be bothered posting rp974wo9y0n51.mp4

Well lets hope there's joy to be had somewhere. I think it's only been 2 weeks since the last car left so of course it's time to get another one... I didn't even know I wanted it until midnight Thursday/Friday. The alarm rings at 6am tomorrow, this will be the longest distance (non-international) collection yet, and the second oldest car I have ever owned...

I'm just about to go to a place to purchase another financial mistake shitbox, I won't be revealing where I'm going or what I'm buying until it happens. In the meantime, let's have a fun* guessing game as to what I'm buying and from where!!! Pictured: breakfast

Another collection thread begins: Plop count = 0 Rain = True Childcare arranged = True St Mary Cray, where all my dream journeys begin (except when there engineering works) It’s pissing down, I’m too simple minded for umbrellas and parking is a bastard around here, so I trudged to the station. I am consequently a bit damp, but looking forward to adventure (there and back). For context, I live over here in the gloom, on a hill so steep your ears pop if you drive down it quickly; that’s my finger by the way. Obligatory cheerful- but-piss-wet-and-nervous-bloke photo.

Yes, I admit it. I have a problem. Far too many problems, in fact, and all four wheeled. Unfortunately, I also have a fully equipped workshop, plenty of parking spaces and a fully comprehensive trader’s policy, all of which combine to only facilitate my problem. Here we go again….

<husky film trailer type voice> Just when you thought it was safe to look at a collection thread. Soon will follow a dramatic story of a desperate man with a quest, against all odds, to have a running car in his possession by the end of the day. He will battle crowds of shoppers, day trippers and other hazards… <record stylus scratch sound> <nasal Chris Barrie as Gordon Brittas type voice> What actually will follow is a man heading across London on several trains and (hopefully) driving back around the M25 to put his new purchase into storage and SORNing it until 1st of July. It won’t be exciting, and it may put you to sleep after your Sunday roast. Poo count = 0 antihistamine count = 1 Extreme nasal excretions count (courtesy of @mitsisigma01) = 3

Starting out on the late collection of the micra that I won in the raffle! Early start this morning, stared the first leg of my journey with a Uber to my local bus station. my driver was perfect, arrived within 5 mins and took less than 10 mins to do my trip to the bus station, where I’m now sat waiting for the national express to London then onto Canterbury. Uber was nearly a no go as the app needed me to confirm my details, no problem apart from the app would jot accept the code. No biggie as my office is 300 yards from the bus station and I could have driven and left my car there if push come to shove. it is rather wet mind.

What's going on? Its early Sunday morning. What time is it? Is that time. Why am I up early on Sunday morning? I'm working marshalling a rally Taking the kids to a club Only idiots and shitters post breakfast pictures on social media. Oh yes, that's it, I'm about to collect shite from the opposite end of the country. (Tea and breakfast are mot made yet)

Today a dual reverse collection is supposed to start. Unfortunately, it does not go well, one car failed to start. By now its flooded and the battery is empty. It obviously has character and refuses to leave from a good home. We have a ferry to not miss that is far away, as you may know, no seaports in Bavaria... For added misery, it rains... no it pours. While i have more coffee, some clues: - Great circle distance to destination; 1444 km - Involves not one but two cars - Destination is outside the EU - Destination does not use € - a lot of driviing and a 20 hour ferry trip is included - train, fellow shiter car borrowing and flight tickets assure the return journey Public guessing of destination and cars involved is now open. P.S. Proper collection tool kit is on board.

Heading south on an empty stomach because honestly I just forgot to eat again. Making use of the stupid economic power of the Xantia and the extra hands of Father Tickman. Off we go... Sent from my Pixel 2 using Tapatalk

Hey all, long time no collection thread from me (I bought the Saab 10 months ago now! Time flies!). Let's take this opportunity to introduce a new member to the forum, @Saltyscotsman. He's been thinking about getting something shite for a while, and now is the time. This is going to be one hell of an introduction, too. A few days ago now, a Mitsubishi Galant was posted in the ebay thread by @Ghosty. This one, to be precise. It looked nice. 1990 H, in blue, with low miles and a very clean MOT history. However the last MOT (which was spotlessly clean) was in 2018. The car is also located in Surrey. Both @Saltyscotsman and I are in the vicinity of Aberdeen. The following happened on our small discord server: Thus, we now have a car that hasn't had an MOT since 2018 sitting in Surrey, which needs to get back to Ellon, roughly 12 miles or so north of Aberdeen. At this point, we contacted @worldofceri to get some figures. Then, @rantingYoof bravely volunteered his driveway in the Northampton area, and his services in driving it to an MOT garage. This means the plan so far is to get Ceri to transport it to Yoof's driveway then Yoof will take it to a garage while being wired money for any work it may or may not need. Then, Salt and I will likely get a flight to Birmingham, get picked up by Yoof, then drive the Galant north. I'm providing assistance due to my previous experience in stupid collections and my diary being completely empty for the next couple of weeks. Did I mention this is utterly, utterly stupid? The last time I did the Northampton - Aberdeen run was in late 2015 in that Lexus LS400 after another friend (now living in Oregon since late 2016) bought it from @rantingYoof so at least it was a known car. I think @dome, @320touring, @dollywobbler and a few others also know that car. That was done overnight on empty motorways in a time of about 9 hours. This will be done with roughly 1/3rd of the power* in a totally unknown car during a global pandemic. WCPGW?! *The carb-fed 1.8 in these Galants apparently makes about 85hp. So it'll be slower than either of my 1990s shitboxes. Fun times. As a thread is useless without pictures: Nice, isn't it? Doesn't help my nerves, though. The timescale so far is for Ceri to collect it on Wednesday the 21st, so no movement as of yet. This thread is just being put here to keep everything in one place. Live updates will hopefully follow at the tail-end of the week!

@TheMokritehas not eaten. I have had one Pringle. He may have bought shite. Heading South... About 2 minutes in car. May have to jump it of Fleur but remains to be seen...

It is car shopping eve. I've done the important research, namely look at past live collection capers. And found a suitable car (here's hoping I do/don't win the Gallant steed roffle) I have a lift in a shittier car than one to be viewed sorted, a rendezvous with the seller (not autoshite member I don't think) Buy criteria: If it's not a total shitbox and if I think it will get me to where I need to be for the next week or so while my BMW is being fettled with then it will be a buy. Live collection caper criteria as laid out by @Jim Bell on a previous collection caper: "Collection thread tick list. Breakfast pic Car pic Petrol station pic Woolard pic (And for bonus points) Pic of a dog A pic of a car worse than the one you're collecting. " I also believe a poo count is normally required. Does that requirement also include photo of results? I will be travelling with a dog more than likely in a shit car. Not sure what a woolard is to take a pic though. This thread will have the added live excitement that if when I get there and the guy is trying to sell me a nail I have to reject it and start again! This is my first buy since being on this forum so if I go off piste feel free to shit-post. Anyway it's nearly 11 at night car-shopping-eve so I am going to get some shut-eye (as much as one can with a 10-month-old who hates sleeping) so if my cunning plan to sleep is interloped upon by said plentyn (thats wain in Scotts, bairn in North Eastern and child-faced daemon in Englandshire-ish) I'll here reading posts no doubt. See you all in a minute then.

Ladies and Gents. Yes, it's me. The man who pops up rarely, solely to irritate folk by spouting nonsense about his Daewoo Leganza, then disappears as quick as he arrived. Like Coronavirus, but with added Daewoo class*. I am here with news. I have, within the last 3 hours, made an irreversible purchase. I'm £300 lighter already on a car that I have not seen. This is typical behaviour - heart before head! Yet, the heart doth not yearn for what hearts normally do. The car in question has probably never had a look of desire cast in its direction since the day it was built. I suspect the first owner probably signed on the line in a dealership (if you can call it a dealership) with a very matter-of-fact look on his face and not one glint in his (probably) deteriorating eye. Yet still, I am intrigued. I am willing to pay £300 just to find out how it stands up against my now beloved Leganza. I'm currently researching exactly how I'm going to get from Cornwall to Hampshire without infecting anyone, and preferably without becoming infected myself! I have until Wednesday...

Here’s how this thread is going to work. Attached pic is what I have sold. You don’t have to guess what the vehicle is, you have to guess which two well known Shiters are coming to pick it up, what pile of crap they’re coming in and where the mugs they are coming from. They’re arriving at 2pm on Saturday. Go! I have hints to drop including detailed personal descriptions and I’m funny so this thread will be funny.