Autoshite guide to workshop tools

[peter9000uk]

DRILL PRESS:A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stockout of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beeracross the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefullyset in the corner where nothing could get to it.WIRE WHEEL:Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench atthe speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses fromfingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, sh*t!"SKILL SAW:A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.PLIERS:Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation ofblood-blisters.BELT SANDER:An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs intomajor refinishing jobs.HACKSAW:One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... Ittransforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the moreyou attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.VISE-GRIPS:Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothingelse is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat tothe palm of your hand.OXYACETYLENE TORCH:Used almost entirely for setting on fire, various flammable objects in yourshop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of whichyou want to remove a bearing race..TABLE SAW:A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles fortesting wall integrity.HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed yournew brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.BAND SAW:A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut goodaluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash canafter you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot todisconnect.PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-stylepaper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also beused, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.FLAT BLADED SCREWDRIVER:A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slottedscrews into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.PRY BAR:A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you neededto remove in order to replace a 50p part.HOSE CUTTER:A tool used to make hoses too short.HAMMER:Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as akind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the objectwe are trying to hit.STANLEY KNIFE:Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons deliveredto your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats,vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refundchecks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing workclothes, but only while in use. Great at removing stubborn ends of fingers.'F**KING THING' TOOL:Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling"F**king thing" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the nexttool that you will need.

[myglaren]

ROFL - no joking!Pasted a link to this on the FCF, hope you don't mind, has to be shared

[FredTransit]

That's quality that is. Seen it before, but quality none the less!