jonathan_dyane Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 Helping neighbour replace an upper strut mount on a Lancia Prisma. It was necessary to compress the spring and not having spring compressors we improvised by having a load of assistants sit on the bonnet while we attached chains around the spring. With the spring removed the chains all slid round to the same location and it went banana shaped. To rectify this we clamped the spring in a vice to reposition the chains. As we put the car back together I mused with a thrill of horror how easily the banana'd spring could have leapt out of the vice and maimed us Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rml2345 Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 Not workshop/garage related as I haven't got one but...The 740 was losing electricity, which turned out to be the alternator. Bit bummed as I'd bought a new battery but never mind.Anyway... On my way to work and the bloody thing starts to die, as it did. On an approach to a roundabout it goes completely, but no matter as I've got the spare battery. Bosh it on and ring work to say I won't be in.As you do.Happily it had gone just in front of a petrol station, and as It probably needed fuel, I spun it round and drove home, worried that the new battery wouldn't get me home. Guess what went on the 10 mile trip back?Yep, ran out of petrol.Rung FATHA_rml245 who was highly amused by the whole thing, especially when it started after RAC man had stuck some pez in it. I learned that 315 miles is not the range of an automatic 740...It did however run out of electricity again, but thats another story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 Despite my utter garage ineptitude, I haven't managed too many gaffes. 1. Managing to bridge both terminals of a battery with a wrench handle. Massive burn across middle of hand. 2. Nearly knocking SCTSH_ANDY's 405 Mi 16 off its axle stands by brushing past it to get a battery charger. Also, it was only on three axle stands. It was 'fine' and 'balanced' according to Mr Get-Tae-Fuck. 3. Started the engine of Halifax Mark's Fiesta when he had his head and most of his upper body in the engine bay. 4. Going for a furtive blezz on the workshop Cub 70, failing to notice a massive 38 ton petrol tanker on the access road, nearly twatting head on into it and then dropping the bike because I got stuck in top and stalled trying to spin round at the top of the road. 5. Being asked to move a Land Rover, overshooting the entrance, trying to solve it with 'a dab of oppo' and hoofing it straight into a wall with the resulting slide. 6. Having my face right in the air filter of said workshop Cub 70 when it backfired and shat some unburnt fuel out of the housing. 7. Reversing the 480 into the shutters, swearing and then reversing into them again because I was knackered and hadn't realised I was still in reverse. 8. Swearing so loudly when dismantling my Piazza in the Eccles unit a woman walking her dog on the opposite canal tow path gave me a bollocking. 9. Blowing a hole in the top of the 306's battery by connecting a shit pair of jump leads backwards and starting the engine. The plastic sheathing melted, went molten, caught alight big style and burnt a hole in the battery casing. Got the leads off by killing the engine and cracking the leads off the terminals with a plank of wood that happened to be in the garage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Moog Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 Spent a lot of time fettling a Saab 9000 that I got for a song. Serviced it and then changed the brake master cylinder, brakes all round and probably spent best part of 2 days working on it. Come to put battery back in and did it back to front. Cue sparks and lots of escaping electricity followed by massive amount of burning. Made me check batteries 100 times before putting back in now. Cable ties instead of rear brake calliper bolts don't work either. Cue surprise again when it locked up coming off a roundabout. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pillock Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 Jacked up my Beetle using the factory jack and the jacking points. Whilst this might have been the done thing in the mid 1970s, it's 2005.The jack reached the top of it's reach. It had no more to give. The wheel I needed to remove was still firmly on the floor. Interestingly, the quarter panel now had an interesting curvature that VW never intended it to have, and the running board was now stopping the door from opening. Oooops. Tip. For every inch that the jack moves, the car should move approximately one inch. Not "fuck all". Rocket88 and chodweaver 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rod/b Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 Tip. For every inch that the jack moves, the car should move approximately one inch. Not "fuck all". This is how I found out the sills and floors on my first car, an MG Metro, were well and truly knackered. The professionals* at a QUIKKOFIT type place near to Aber swung the arms of the two-post under the jacking points and proceeded to lift it. Cue lots of crucnching noises, brown flaky rain and a Metro still firmly on the floor. I drove it around like that for about another 6 months. (Well, I took the lift out first) I later sold it to a bloke at work for 60 quid, who scrapped it a week later after starting to grind the rust out, only to get dishearteaned by the time he'd got rid of one entire sill and a front footwell. Speaking of professional* Welsh garages, when I was about 10 the cambelt on my Dad's Acclaim snapped while we were on holiday in Bala. The CSMA designated recovery chap came out and dragged the car plus the family back to their garage, en route offering Benson and Hedges to everyone including me and my little brother. Fast forward a few days and my Dad and I were down at the garage picking the car up. We couldn't help to notice that a car up on the ramp having its floor welded also seemed to be very much on fire. They hadn't taken the carpet out and had set it ablaze. Cue much RUNNING AWAY of everyone in the place. Still the Acclaim was fine with a new belt - no knackered valves or anything. DIY incompetence - fitting new rear shoes to my second Metro, I had the back brakes disassembled. For reasons that now escape me I thought it would be a good idea to press the brake pedal. Of course the pistons flew out of the cylinders and brake fluid pissed everywhere. On one of the banger rally cars I wired a load of air horns, strobe lights and various other bits of fun stuff in using the requisite relays. It was a very good install, bar one minor problem. When it rained the relays filled with water and were liable to switch. Being as the live feed was straight off the battery, this could cause embarrassing inadvertant air horn application. I first learned of this at 3am one morning when I woke to find two coppers hammering on my front door, asking whether I owned a red Audi Coupe with two-tone police horns. Apparently there had been complaints from the people who lived near where I parked it. I moved house shortly afterwards. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rocket88 Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 First time i ever changed the points on a Mini [younger readers may need to consult Wikipedia ref points] Removed dizzy cap, removed rotor arm. removed old points., all the while furiously consulting the appropriate Haynes book of lies. Straightened up from my exertions, back of head impacted bonnet catch, much spillage of claret ensued. Resumed hostilities, I replaced the points with much care, and replaced distributor cap. Car woulldn't start. Repeated procedure, car still wouldn't start. Then discovered rotor arm in pocket........... Isaac Hunt and twosmoke300 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
254575 Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 simple job of checking condition of rear drum brakes. done one side, no problem, removed retaining pin and hub nut to get drum off. get to next side, hub nut wont budge, pulled with all my strength, hit with hammers, screamed and shouted. eventually i fashioned a massive breaker bar out of an old metal bed pole and got it moving. then all of a sudden a loud 'crack!' and nut now spins freely. after a few seconds it dawned on me that this was the opposite thread side of the stub axle, i even knew this to be the case, but the red mist set in and i was intent on spinning that nut anti clockwise! sourced a new stub axle, and a local garage got the threaded nut off for me. i made some excuse about 'it just broke' was too embarrassed to admit what i had done Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashmicro Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 ^^ Left hand thread! Did that on my 1983 Mini. A fucking hateful car. Rocket88 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Station Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 8. Swearing so loudly when dismantling my Piazza in the Eccles unit a woman walking her dog on the opposite canal tow path gave me a bollocking. I'm very guilty of that, even unwittingly exposing my poor parents to several hours of the stuff through double glazed windows. Both neighbours have moved out in the past 6 months, it might be down to this. AMC Rebel 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dollywobbler Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 Of course, incompetence doesn't just have to be restricted to the workshop. Asking me to help you move a car can be a rather risky business, as a colleague and one member of this very forum knows. With my colleague, we were trying to get his non-running Type 3 off the world's shonkiest car trailer and somehow the car got twisted when it was halfway off, and it became impossible therefore to get the back end down (it was rear-end on first, as is sensible with a rear-engined motor). I seem to recall there was much struggling in really very hot temperatures but somehow we managed it in the end. That was after driving all the way from Staffordshire in said colleagues shonky Beemer E34 estate. It had non-working air-con and an undersized rad, so towing on the M6, it got a bit hot. So we had the windows open but the heater on full blast. Not nice in the middle of summer. I'm not going to go into the other story as it's one of the most shameful experiences of my life. I shall just beg forgiveness! (funnily enough, this was the very day that I got offered my dream job - couldn't have come at a better time!). An Allegro was harmed. I still feel very guilty to this day. Needless to say, I take my hat off to those who deliver vehicles for a living. It is most certainly NOT easy money. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brammy777 Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 The worst mistake I ever made, was one of the first times I did a practical at college, teamed up with a classmate, we were eager to get the wheel off first. Car in question was a hateful MKI Punto which had given up ages ago and been donated. Undid all the wheel nuts, thought they felt a bit tough to take off. Last one is undone.. CRUNCH. What the?! Turns out we hadn't jacked it up. I think I made a good impression that day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Negative Creep Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 Not car related but as a kid i was making a model using superglue. Midway through doing so i wiped my eye - and stuck my eyelids together Rocket88 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Conrad D. Conelrad Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 New crank, new bearings. First startup. Redlined before the oil light had gone out. I'd bent a bracket in the throttle linkage and somehow not noticed that the throttle was fully open. I had not used assembly lubricant. I had not spun the engine with the plugs out to build oil pressure. I did those things the second time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMC Dan Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 The worst mistake I ever made, was one of the first times I did a practical at college, teamed up with a classmate, we were eager to get the wheel off first. Car in question was a hateful MKI Punto which had given up ages ago and been donated. Undid all the wheel nuts, thought they felt a bit tough to take off. Last one is undone.. CRUNCH. What the?! Turns out we hadn't jacked it up. I think I made a good impression that day. In the first few weeks at mine two students proceeded to remove the rad out of a K10 Micra up on a 2 post ramp without draining it first. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rusty Pelican Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 Welding up a wheelarch and forgetting some of what i was doing was very near the interior , cue carpet bursting into flames , ill prepared i had no water nearby and couldnt even piss on demand as id just been , grabbed the rubber floor mat and beat the flames out only to then realise the left sleeve on my overalls were alight , this i extinquished with my right hand , half the loom had gone up along with other important bits like a melted drivers seat , spent several hours in casualty having my hand fixedThis next one is just pure stupidity I was about to break up a running but very rusty Imp , driving it on the ramps a bit quick i shot off the end and the ramps dug in the floor , hay this is fun , lets try it a bit faster , Where I was doing this is a row of 13 garages with the concrete as a good run up , at the end is our garden , so happy with the fun this will achieve i even called the missus out to watch this baffoonery . Set up the ramps , reversed to the other end and let rip , I hit the ramps at about 10 mph , car sailed of the end as predicted , what i didnt recon on was the ramps digging into the car floor and turning said ramps into a great impersonation of skis , I slid straight into our rear hedge killing the gate and arch above it and landed in the back garden over some hot poker plantsI IZ A TWAT Ohdearme and Rocket88 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dollywobbler Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 Thanks Rusty. That last one is very amusing. Surely the best way of inviting disaster is to utter the words "Watch this!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoadworkUK Posted June 17, 2011 Author Share Posted June 17, 2011 Surely the best way of inviting disaster is to utter the words "Watch this!" I'm now going to say that every time I attack anything with a spanner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Station Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 Thanks Rusty. That last one is very amusing. Surely the best way of inviting disaster is to utter the words "Watch this!" Did the wife know you were going to intentionally destroy the garden? "Wife, I've lost the plot! Watch me drive through the garden gate!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rusty Pelican Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 Did the wife know you were going to intentionally destroy the garden? "Wife, I've lost the plot! Watch me drive through the garden gate!" Destroying the garden was not the plan , She was not too pleased to say the least , She was even more pissed off when I dropped an exhaust box on her foot whilst showing her just how rotten it was , Had to take her to casualty for an xray, Shes a diabetic on insulin so smashing her foot up was dodgy to say the least , she could have lost it , Why shes still with me feck only knows Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
M'coli Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 New crank, new bearings. First startup. Redlined before the oil light had gone out. I'd bent a bracket in the throttle linkage and somehow not noticed that the throttle was fully open. I had not used assembly lubricant. I had not spun the engine with the plugs out to build oil pressure. I did those things the second time.That has got to be one of the best yet... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Conrad D. Conelrad Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 *takes a bow* It was a very expensive little mistake. I sold the scratched up crank to a guy on eBay for 99p but let him keep the money. Then the second time I put the engine back together I forgot to torque the head down and it mixed all its water and oil. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bren Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 Oil and filter change on mother in law's 2.4 granada - I had not noticed the sealing ring falling off the filter while contorting myself under the car. Screwed it on and filled engine with oil. Started engine, engine ran but with a strange gurgling sound. I then spotted a large puddle forming underneath the car. I killed the engine before the bottom end could start rattling. I then appreciated that the oil pressure was good - four and a half litres expelled in a few seconds. That was about eighteen years ago, mother in law still has the car and it still runs perfectly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Negative Creep Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 Popped up to my mate's workshop tonight where he has amk2 Jag in. Old giffer decided to do some work so drove it onto car ramps. Except he drove over them, flippling the ramps into the sills and bending the doorframes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eddyramrod Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 John (new friend over here) wanted to check the gearbox oil level in his 944 Auto. We decided the best thing would be to back it up on my ramps, the box being rear-mounted. So John comes to my house, backs up into my drive, lines up on my halfrauds ramps... ...and overshoots, pulling the ramps under his gorgeous car and putting a nice crease in the sills. Cue much playing about with assorted jacks and blocks, until we got the back wheels sitting on the ramps again (the back tyres being at least 50% wider than the ramps...). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cros Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 I decided to clean and gap the plugs on my Bedford's engine in preparation for starting it for the first time in situ. I consulted the manual so I was sure to get it right, but found a special tool is needed for the job. I'm having no luck finding one of these machines so far and might end up having to buy 4 new plugs instead. Conrad D. Conelrad, The Moog and busmansholiday 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iainrcz Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 I went to check the PAS fluid on my car a day or two after buying it. They have 'lectric steering... Sent from my VFD 710 using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikeR Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 the good old oil catcher at oil change time ..... finding out that the sump holds 5 plus litres of dirty old diesel infested goo ... that overflows the 4.5 litre bucket ... and spreads across the drive .. whilst you have a cuppa and a warm inside , thinking what an easy oil change this has been ................. Sir Snipes 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iainrcz Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 I changed the gearbox oil on my rcz and spilled most of it on myself and my driveway. Then thought maybe the chute of tinfoil idea might have been a good one. Although to save myself here, I did make a drain plug removal tool on my bench grinder. Sent from my VFD 710 using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twiggy Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 50 years ago (yes, really) in my first teaching post, the chat turned to car maintenance. The geography teacher mentioned that he had changed the oil on his A30, but it had taken him over an hour to replenish the engine oil and he had spilled a lot of oil on his driveway. Turned out that he had actually managed to fill the engine via the dipstick hole. Almost matched for stupidity by the art teacher a week later who proudly stated that he had found a real bargain of anti freeze at 1/- a quart for his aircooled Beetle, and where did it go in his engine ? * For the younger members: a quart is two pints and 1/- is a shilling."^* "^* For the even younger members: one pint is approximately 3/4 of a litre, and a shilling is equivalent to 5p. To put it in perspective, in 1968, petrol cost 5/- (25p) a gallon.)"" "" a gallon is equivalent to 4.54 litres. worldofceri, Rocket88, Exiled_Tat_Gatherer and 3 others 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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