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Top Tips when viewing a car


sierraman
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Don't see a torn interior as a negative point on a 80/90s car , torn jeans are once again in fashion therefore the giant rip in the driver's bolster is merely a fashion statement .....rip it bigger each time you get in the car ....point it out to truckers as you drive to work ....your kids will think your cool 

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Just remembered;

When you phone a private seller say you are calling about the car. When they reply 'which one?' you'll know they're really a dealer trying to shirk their legal responsibilities. 

Just for shits and giggles try the same ruse when actually ringing a dealer, or better still a car supermarket, then refuse to provide any further information. Everyone knows they're all shifty buggers on the make, so it's the least they deserve. 

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Has anyone mentioned , kick the tyres? Sure sign you’re a pro and know what you’re doing.

More seriously, under no circumstances , especially if it is for her, DO NOT take you wife /girlfriend ( or boyfriend , don’t want to be accused of not being inclusive), along. If they like the car , they just say “yes , I love it, I want it”, right in front of the seller / salesman. Bang goes any bargaining power you had. Four bald tyres? Doesn’t matter , it’s RED! Clutch knackerred? But it has little lights around the speed thingy.

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Set your mate up with a van full of tools and an amber lightbar on the roof, and a set of overalls (I did think nice clean Rolls Royce ones, but utterly manky Cummins/Scania/Fendt ones, or even ATS/Kwik Fit might work), and have him block the drive of the target. Leave the engine running, have him get out, take one look at the target, dry his teeth and declare it fucked/not worth it. Then have a brief argument with him, and insist you'll do the seller a favour in taking it for scrap money. Haul the A frame out of the van, hook up and smoke it out of there...

May not work with a newish McLaren or a very frilly Ka, but anything in between's fair game.

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When you go to the sellers house, talk to the fourth wall as if you are Quentin Wilson, slagging the Car off, the seller won’t realise this and just think you are working for Top Gear. 

Always prepare a speech about the common problems with that particular car and talk loudly and at length about these. 

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Bring a folding car inspection trolly - set it up and roll underneath. Then lie completely quiet and still and start counting - if you can reach 100 before the seller cracks you are a pro...

Emerge from under car an give a low whistle and shake your head before offering scrap value.. 

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Should you wish to purchase a car, make sure the seller writes out a full receipt with as much legal language as possible. This makes you know he’s a well educated chap and really wants to give the best experience selling as possible.Such as:

 

I one John Tiddlywinks, of 52 Swallowbottom Road,

 

Do here declare that I sell my motor vehicle, one Ford Fusion 1.4 Style, marked BJ08 SUX for the sum of £500 of the kings finest currency to a Mr. Anthony Stillwater, Esq. of 21a Stabbing Heights.

 

This motor vehicle is sold as seen, and the buyer has satisfied themselves as to its mechanical, and cosmetic conditions.

 

I consent to its sale at 17:55 on the 12th of June 2020.

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Just keep saying “isn’t this the one where the oil splurge valve ( or suitably obscure part) keeps sticking”.  or “Didn’t this one have a recall for weak chassis rotation dampers?” If the seller says “stop talking bollocks”, buy it. If he goes “yes , I’ve replaced all of them”, walk away.

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Turn up soaked .......with coughing child , proceed to mention how you,ve not had a job since they closed the pit ....then start coughing yourself , after knocking 50% of the price proceed to pay with £50 notes then pull out the latest iPhone to pay for the insurance ......does tend to work better up norf 

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On 14/09/2022 at 17:49, HMC said:

Take a patient thickness gauge to the viewing, especially if it’s a sub £1000 banger. Spend at least an hour panel by panel. 

I like the idea of a patient thickness gauge. I’m picturing a mechanical type of IQ test. If you’re too thick you can take your chest pains somewhere else.

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If you are paying in cash, a wad of £750 in 10s looks bigger than a wad of £1000 in 50s and may help sway the deal when waved about.

If you are buying the car off a bloke, spending £50 on a cheap hooker with big tits to stand there and flash her cleavage and occaisonally bend over the bonnet may help in haggling for a discount.

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Ensure you get the seller's name and occupation, and ideally the name and occupation of the person the seller bought the car from. When you later come to sell the car, you can then mention the names and occupations of all the previous owners in 20 rambling paragraphs of utterly fucking inane and irrelevant history. This will add at least £2000 to the car's value, possibly up to £3500 if paired up with some plain white background studio photos.
 

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23 hours ago, Soundwave said:

Ensure you get the seller's name and occupation, and ideally the name and occupation of the person the seller bought the car from. When you later come to sell the car, you can then mention the names and occupations of all the previous owners in 20 rambling paragraphs of utterly fucking inane and irrelevant history. This will add at least £2000 to the car's value, possibly up to £3500 if paired up with some plain white background studio photos.
 

I’ve seen at least one classic car ad that utilised that exact tactic, it was like reading a novel detailing the picaresque exploits of an old Bristol or something. 
 

Nowhere near as good as The Little Red Metro

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