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Top Tips when viewing a car


sierraman

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I only ever buy cars that aren’t listed with a price on Facebook groups, with just ‘make me an offer’ as a guide. I -always- offer the max price it’ll be worth in ten years, as it’s a future investment. I never haggle with the seller as he requested ‘no thymewaisting bellends’, and with a guaranteed concrete promise he will ‘just put it back in the garage for another five years’, so I don’t want to miss out.

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When you get to the sellers house, make sure you let them know how hard you are, so that if anything went wrong they’d be sure you’d break their head. If they’re in any doubt tell them some anecdotes about when you’ve smashed someone up in a pub and walk round with your shoulders all stiff. 

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Remember to test the reverse lockout on the gearbox, by forcing it really hard towards the R whilst travelling at at least 30mph.

There's two ways to test a handbrake. Don't go for the boring option..

Avoid MIchelin tyres, they're French and therefore unreliable.

Ask if the sunroof leaks. If the say no, then ask "What if it's open? " You've caught them in a lie.

Ask the seller to climb into the boot so that you can "visualise the loadspace better"

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Always go buy a car on the last day before Mot expiry of your current vehicle, the pressure of needing something to get you or your wife to work will heighten your senses.

You will find character building resolve in the threat of being ‘without wheels’ and it most definitely won’t cause you to hand over money for a ropey E36 estate to a corner dealer of high repute* with 280,000 on the current clocks.

It should help you avoid shrugging off his parting remarks of ‘it sometimes won’t start first time’ as banter instead of a raging red flag.

In the unlikely event that you do purchase such a vehicle, you may find solace in the smooth purr of the straight six, which is particularly smooth at idle whilst you realise that none of the gears will select and moving the gear lever is like fishing keys out of a rainy drain with a wizened old stick.

 

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Always attend family funerals to pass respects to the departed and to collect valuable sovereign rings as they are known to seal deals in vehicle bidding wars.

Note however, that it is considered bad form to include the snipped off finger.
 

If your Nan has a smartphone, early intervention is recommended to download candy crush for them as it is a reliable gateway drug  game to buying an Xbox m9, which routinely outbids any number of rings.

 

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Remember to ensure the seller knows how hard up you are, that you're a disabled single parent of a child with severe learning disabilities. Remember, your problems are their problems and this approach virtually guarantees buying the car at half market price, and even then you should act hard done so that they throw in a Free X box.

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Always ask if there is any road tax on it. If they say no and waffle some bollox about a new system they are just a scammer. Threaten to deck them and walk away. 

Only read the bits if the advert you want to, then argue violently with the seller about things they listed in the ad. 

If the car is be advertised for less than the value of the fuel in the tank be extra careful with your hard earned coin - quibble each and every scuff, leak or signs of wear. Suggest a discount that would mean they paid you to take it away - you are after all doing them a favour. 

When viewing a 44 year old car, always ask the mileage and grumble heavily if it’s more than about 10,000 miles. To make yourself sound more knowledgable ask if it’s had any manufacturer recalls on it.

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42 minutes ago, stuboy said:

when sellers are happy to drive 30 miles to your house so you can look at the car,  for me alarm bells start ringa ding dinging..

This made me laugh. You may have seen my recent thread on trying to sort mrs JJ a fiesta

Seller drove from Nuneaton to Norfolk for me to buy it. When he turned up and the headlights had lime green overspray on them and the paint was unlacquered  in places.. he got sent home again

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4 minutes ago, JJ0063 said:

You may have seen my recent thread on trying to sort mrs JJ a fiesta

i have not caught that yet, the seller was even keener when he found out the potential buyer my missus sister had no-one car minded too look it over before purchasing it...... i told her too risky and sack it off.

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When looking at a project that is a non runner but described as fine when it was running point out that the RMS Titanic was hunky dory when it departed Southampton.

Insist on a discount because you have spent money on petrol to view said shite.

Insist on full history, spare / master key and warranty on the £350 deathtrap that will never get another ticket.

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1 hour ago, Dobloseven said:

The classic car mag buyers guides often make me smile. "We tell you how to buy the best while they're still this cheap". Go to great lengths to point out potential problems to avoid and what versions and years are best to go for. It then transpires there's only twelve left and four of them are on SORN!

I'd rather deal with the worst buyers and sellers on Marketplace than ever have to read a classic* car mag 'buyers guide' again. 

A bunch of gurning wankstains. 

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Has anyone had a potential buyer bounce each corner of the car to 'test the shock absorbers' recently?! 

I'd hope that ended in 1997 when Count Quentin published his last buyer's guide. I seem to remember they were the type to find a slightly worn damper (£15 back then) but totally miss the holes in the sills and knocking engine! 

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4 minutes ago, Rusty_Rocket said:

Has anyone had a potential buyer bounce each corner of the car to 'test the shock absorbers' recently?! 

I'd hope that ended in 1997 when Count Quentin published his last buyer's guide. I seem to remember they were the type to find a slightly worn damper (£15 back then) but totally miss the holes in the sills and knocking engine! 

I bought an MX5 with all 4 shock absorbers knackered a few years ago because I couldn’t be bothered to test drive it beyond turning the engine on (expert buyer skills engaged). It drove like the fucking moon rover on the way home. To be fair it was when they were ten a penny, and I think £150 sorted it or thereabouts. It had holes in the sills too, for the complete experience you outlined.

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Speaking of Quentin Willson, I laughed recently when watching his old Jaguar XJ buyers guide from the 1990s. He held up the service book and said a fully stamped one of these is worth a grand in the asking price.  No mention of invoices to substantiate maintenance and repairs carried out over the years. In isolation, a service book is worthless.

 

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36 minutes ago, Split_Pin said:

Speaking of Quentin Willson, I laughed recently when watching his old Jaguar XJ buyers guide from the 1990s. He held up the service book and said a fully stamped one of these is worth a grand in the asking price.  No mention of invoices to substantiate maintenance and repairs carried out over the years. In isolation, a service book is worthless.

 

It may be now, but back then the stamped book was the real deal. Invoices were just paper for the accountants.

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