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Brown trouser moments in your shiting career


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Enthusiastic repairs by. 16 year old me on my first legit ride, kawasaki ar50 (80 kit and micron sorts of course) left the rear drum retaining bolt out after a break service! Thought I’d seized it when the back wheel locked after speed testing my freshly maintained steed braking from 60 mph. Fishtailed back and forth across the road amazingly dodging death before cursing the machine for being a price of shit. Threw it on its side in disgust and spotted the brake arm wrapped round the rear drum. Dickhead move number one. There have been many more though I learnt a lot that day.

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I jacked up a defender to change the back wheel , handbrake on , I got the wheel off and it moved , not much, but, fuck

carefully put it back on like I was defusing a bomb, got 2 nuts on it and it rolled off , that's when I found out what a transmission handbrake was

 

In the 80s I had a D reg jellymould granada , got a garage to service it , a couple of days later I overtook a car on the bypass, got past it and it just kept going , I was doing about 80 by this point and it wasn't for stopping so I had to brake it down until I got it slow enough to turn it off

 

It absolutely stunk of brakes and what smelled like a burning clutch , turn out when the garage had changed the air filter they'd taken a jubilee clip off but put it back on so the worm drive was on the top, throttle cable had gone past it but got stuck on it so throttle wide open

 

had me ex wife been driving it it'd be in a field upside down I'm sure

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Ha Mrs B was driving my last diesel XJ down the M62 to visit her sister in Warrington and called me saying the car is accelerating and won’t stop. Turns out she had jammed the mat with her high heels (I said never drive in them as she holed a set of sheepskins in the one before) not before she hit an indicated 130. I said just turn it off and if it’s still pulling at the point put it in neutral as it’s drinking it’s sump.

Thankful it was just a mat, plus it ran beautifully after clearing its throat.


Many oh shits of my own. How about being a framed in a lwb series Landry that had no brakes? That was fun especially when the tow car was about half it’s weight

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1997 Peugeot 306, my first car.

I knew the nearside rear wheel bearing was on the way out, and I was driving to my mate's house 5 miles away to sort it (he had a wee garage we could work in).

When I was almost there it completely gave up. Massive bang, and I could feel the wheel wobbling around. I limped it there with the hazards on. We took off the nut holding on the brake drum and a shower of bearing confetti fell out. There were rub marks on the arch liner from where the wheel had been contacting it too.

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Early hours of the morning trying to make an early flight to Berlin at Luton Airport and I lost the brakes in my Vauxhall Viceroy coming into Milton Keynes. After a brief investigation at the side of the road yielded no way of a quick fix I was left in limbo trying to decide whether to sacrifice the trip or try and make it the rest of the way with no brakes. Cue navigating the World of Roundabouts to pick up my passenger brakeless, and then a traffic jam going into Luton Airport without going up the back of anyone. Ended up recreating that scene in Home Alone where they're legging it through the airport and made it literally as they were boarding. Not something I fancy doing again any time soon, even if it did mean returning to the charming city of Berlin. 

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14 hours ago, Soundwave said:

Having had some so-called "professionals" change the brake drums on my Beetle way back in 2005, I was approaching a busy roundabout at about 40, when the brake pedal went all the way to the floor, with absolutely none of the Bug's already fairly pathetic stopping power being applied.

"Oh bother, this is something of an unfavourable development" I said, or a string of four-lettered words to that effect. Started to apply engine braking, but I couldn't get the speed down fast enough. Still doing about 20 going into the roundabout, straight across three lanes of traffic - had to accelerate again to get myself out of the way - and managed to get my exit, which mercifully was uphill. Gravity brought me to a stop in a conveniently placed petrol station. After shoehorning a turtle's head the size of a baguette back up my arse, I tried to find out what had happened.

Brake lines were finger tight, and had allowed all of the fluid to escape. I'd only been driving for a year, and it was at this point I learned a valuable lesson about never using Kwik Shit for anything, and about checking professional repairs for yourself. I tried to raise it with them but despite having a receipt they denied having ever even seen the car. Haven't been back since.

i had a professional tyre fixer fix a rear nearside tyre leak with a patched inner tube on my fiat 127 years ago .....

it let go at the first right hander , the car kicked sideways for a while , finally got it straight and then stopped ...

back tyre was flat again .... guy refused to discuss , said it was a new puncture  , never used him again

refused inner tubes ever since ...

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Fairly minor but I used to have lots of plastic oil bottles that had been cleaned and filled with new oil acquired in bulk. Did an oil change on my Renault and the new stuff looked a bit odd. Dawned on me that I'd grabbed a can full of various used fluids, so it got a mix of oil, brake fluid, coolant and god knows what else. Thankfully no harm was done after draining it and filling it with the correct stuff...

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The clutch on my SportKa going while on the A19 going uphill was good fun. Managed to just limp to the top of the hill and into the entrance to a farm from which I could call breakdown.

 

Had only had the bastard thing a few weeks as well.

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My first one was a Seat Ibiza that decided to do the car equivalent of jazz hands by opening its bonnet at 70mph in the right lane of a motorway in the morning rush right next to an inbound sliproad. I was tightly surrounded by cars, and this part of road also had no hard shoulder!  I could see absolutely nothing and I have no idea how I managed to slow down and navigate towards a flat bit of grass verge without hitting anything. Looking back I was surprisingly calm and even remember politely indicating and waving to someone who seemed to be making a space for me.

The other incident was this.

1_img_20191205_101752.jpg&w=900

I had just come off a motorway where I was happily bombing along. If that had happened any earlier I would have been jam.

It had just passed an MOT too, and yet this is what the rear control arm area looked like for the side that was still attached! Admittedly I had to poke it to make the hole, but it was still a hair away from detaching.

20200307_145703-1.jpg

 

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Helping a mate in distress, he had borrowed a dolly and was towing a non runner R8 214 with a Freelander when a dolly tyre gave out. 

I turned up hopefully carrying a can of tyre weld to see stricken home made looking dolly at a jaunty angle and bits of tyre all down the road. 

Nothing for it, we would have to get the Rover off the dolly, chuck the dolly in the car and drag the rover on a rope. 

The dead rover wouldn't budge off the dolly so we tied the rope from the back of the rover to my Corsa, my mate sat in the Rover and I would try and pull it backwards off the dolly. 

The tired old petrol Corsa dragged the whole lot,  Freelander, fucked dolly and dead rover down the road 10ft in a cloud of clutch smoke and squeal held only by the rover front wheels on the dolly. 

In the end, we tied the rope on the towball release and perched on the back of the Freelander eventually managed to release the towball, the dolly flipped up and smacked the front of the Rover and it all crashed to the ground. 

We had to jack the Rover up to extract what was left of the dolly. 

I don't think either of us would contemplate using a dolly again. 

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11 minutes ago, PhilA said:

Shorted the strap of my wrist watch between the battery + post and the body frame of my friend's Aprilia 125 while we were fitting new indicators.

Still got the scar on my wrist 20 years later.

Phil

mate did this with his new "Gold" bracelet ...LOL

Oh how we laughed.....he didn't!!

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1 minute ago, bezzabsa said:

mate did this with his new "Gold" bracelet ...LOL

Oh how we laughed.....he didn't!!

I've still got the watch; it was smoking hot with the current.

Try unclip a Casio strap (pull the locking clip up then pull the strap tighter to undo it) when it's hot enough to cook your arm. Not pleasant!

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Fuel pump failed on my V70 D5 early one dark rainy morning on the M6 on a section of Smart motorway. Abandoned it in lane one and watched while cars and trucks slammed on and swerved to avoid it. After I got out and over the barriers I rang the police to let them know where I was but the lane wasn't closed for another 40 minutes or so.  Although after 30 mins the matrix sign I was standing under displayed "reports of stranded vehicle" which had zero effect on the speed of the cars barreling down the motorway.  I've never been so happy to see  a red X on the matrix sign and a highways agency 4x4.  Absolutely terrifying, DO NOT RECOMMEND.

 

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Descended Kirkstall Hill in Leeds in my old '61 VW Van, and as the lights turned to Red at the bottom of the hill, I was doing about 40mph hoping to make said lights.

I hit the brakes and the van blew a wheel cylinder. Single Circuit brakes, so no braking. Yanked on the handbrake, and as one rear drum was full of brake fluid (guess it had been weeping for  a while) the van violently turned left and thankfully stopped on the stop line of the traffic lights. however at 90 degrees to the direction originally travelling in.  

 

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I was once a passenger in my mate’s 1990 Fiat Panda when I was at College. He’d only recently passed his test and me, him and another guy decided to go out for a spin in his new car.

We approached a roundabout in the centre of Norwich and my mate decided to pull out right in front of a Mk4 Escort, missing it by millimetres. 
 

Another mate pulled across a busy junction to get to a petrol station and we all nearly got wiped out by a tanker.

I managed to spin my Citroen Saxo on a busy roundabout after I slipped on a patch of Diesel. It did a perfect 180-degree spin and I was able to drive off with no damage to the car. I did feel a little bit of poo come out though.

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Throwing the tail out on the 530i when it hit a patch of Devil's Semen on a wet slip road - it could then have meant either facing the direction I came in, hitting a barrier to my left or rolling down an embankment into the path of numerous artics heading for the A1 at 56mph on my right. Somehow I corrected it and then calmly carried on.

When I got to work I shat my ring off.

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driving along in a busy central(ish) London during a driving lesson when I went to change gear and the gear lever* came off in my hand, mentally shat myself but somehow managed to keep it all together, slip the gear lever* back on finish changing gear and continue on my way without wiping out all the idiots around me, but forever slightly terrified throughout the rest of the lesson that it would slip off again

this has happened a few times now, I really must remember to bring it up with my instructor once lessons resume LOL

(*its not actually the gear lever, I dont think, but its some sort of semi-rigid slip on cover, same bloody effect mind!)

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On 3/19/2021 at 8:43 PM, busmansholiday said:

I remember coming home one evening on the A18 in my slightly rust Mk I Panda doing 50 - 55 mph. As a lorry went the other way the bow wave caused the rusty front of the bonnet to part company with the latch that was supposed to hold it down. 

It's at that point, when the bonnet flips up and totally obscures your view forward, you realise that Fiat engineers knew the shiteness of their cars and had installed a grill in the bonnet so you could see forward just in case.....

 

On 3/19/2021 at 9:03 PM, DoctorRetro said:

Had an almost identical incident in London with a Seat Marbella I'd just bought!

 

On 3/20/2021 at 2:28 PM, juular said:

My first one was a Seat Ibiza that decided to do the car equivalent of jazz hands by opening its bonnet at 70mph in the right lane of a motorway in the morning rush right next to an inbound sliproad. I was tightly surrounded by cars, and this part of road also had no hard shoulder!  I could see absolutely nothing and I have no idea how I managed to slow down and navigate towards a flat bit of grass verge without hitting anything. Looking back I was surprisingly calm and even remember politely indicating and waving to someone who seemed to be making a space for me.

The same happened to me in a MK1 Metro. On the A27, single carriageway, busy, doing 60mph. 

Fortunately Austin Rover had the foresight to for 'viewing slats' to the bonnet to account for just such an eventuality. 

s-l640.thumb.jpg.92b98ab7ca2a5167a37d8d7423d98a52.jpg

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On a bit of a road trip with a mate shortly after passing my test, I had done a couple of hours of motorways and dual carriageway driving... 

Found myself behind some dawdling old biddy in a Fiat Uno so booted it past them as we approached a railway bridge and passed them just as we went over the top of the bridge. 

As I pulled back in car shot past in the other direction, horn blasting and fists waving. 

That's when the reality hit me that my brain was still in dual carriageway mode and it never occurred to me that there may be something coming the other way.. 

My mate was white as a sheet and called me every kind of c he could think of! 

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driving to a mate's funeral a few years back, on the m8 going through glasgow at 50 a transit dropside carting scrap overtook me, i thought that fucking ion bath doesnt look to well roped on... fucking thing fell off in front of me andd was spinning in the middle of 3 lanes, jump on brakes, swerve right, no left, no right... fortunately a merc artic saw the whole thing and dropped his anchors and put his beacons on... managed to avoid bath but needed a bog myself

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Father bought a V70 diesel sight unseen from Scotland. Only car he's ever bought without looking at it. Drove perfectly until we took it to to France on holiday, where it promptly shat the power steering pump. That's okay though as it was still driveable, just heavy to steer. What wasn't okay was the fact that the car's entire electrics would randomly cut out completely while driving, taking the engine with it. You had to wait at the side of the road for a few minutes before the car would restart as if nothing had ever happened.

Our brown trousers moment was when we were on a 60MPH bypass and everything just cut out completely. Electric windows (which were closed) meant we couldn't signal, no lights to show we were slowing down, no hazard signals either, and there was a line of tightly packed cars behind us. Somehow we didn't cause an accident. Car was sold to a Volvo breakers in Scotland after that.

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Did the cambelt on my volvo 340 gle 1.7 got it all back together then wiped every thing down in the engine bay with a bit of muslin polishing cloth I had cut off the big roll I had. Forgot I left cloth on top of engine and started car, car starts runs beautifully and then cloth falls into belts throwing bits of cloth everywhere like confetti and stalls.
Totally crapped myself at thought of destroying engine but luckily cloth was just wrapped around external belts.
Engine had to be wound backwards till the cloth removed.

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54 minutes ago, alcyonecorporation said:

Barrel rolling an MG Midget into a ditch on a bumpy NSL road somewhere in North Yorkshire. 

Nearly lost my left eye in the process as the seat let go and the windscreen used my face as a crumple zone. 

I remember that.  Your face afterwards was quite impressive.

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I've remembered another one.  I'd bought a non-running E12 BMW 525 off eBay, relatively locally.  Went to get it with a trailer towed by my GM900.  The seller's house was on a narrow road which I was blocking with the trailer, so my mate and I winched the car onto the trailer, put it in gear with the handbrake on then drove slowly up the road to get out of the way of traffic and strap the car down somewhere with more room.  Unfortunately some cockwomble in a 4x4 cut me up and I had to stand on the brakes.  It turned out that the E12's handbrake was pants, and what hadn't occurred to me was that because the cylinder head was off, putting it in gear would have no effect as there was no engine braking.

So the BMW came flying over the front of the trailer and landed with its front wheels dangling in the air and its bumper about 2" from the Saab's boot lid.  There was no way we were going to get it back on the trailer as it was, so we strapped it down where it was and drove gingerly away, getting flashed by oncoming motorists because the Saab had a M30 sat on its back bumper so even the dipped beams were pointing up in the air.

We stopped at a mate's place on the way back to see if he could help.  Various combinations of jacks were tried to no avail.  Then we hit upon the idea of towing the BMW back onto the trailer - mate whose house we were at was storing my Princess for me at the time, so we fired that up and hooked a tow rope between it and the Beemer.  Initially there was nothing but a load of wheelspin, but with one mate in the Saab standing on the brakes and the other (who was a big lad and getting quite pissed off by then) lifting the front of the BMW we eventually got it back on the trailer - fortunately the winch cable was man enough to stop it then rolling off backwards.

In the end the only damage was to the winch handle on the trailer, but it did shit me up when I saw the BMW in the mirror coming flying towards the back of the Saab.

 

Another brown trouser moment whilst trailering - this time with a Mk4 Zodiac on a trailer behind a 740 estate on the way back from Essex (appropriately).  I had limited scope to get the trailer properly balanced as it was a large and very nose-heavy car on a relatively small trailer, but it'd been going fine until I hit a downhill section of the M11 and the rig started to run away, the Volvo not having enough engine braking to keep the speed down.  I didn't want to brake because the trailer felt a little twitchy - then I got to about 70 and the trailer went into an almighty tankslapper - I was swerving across both lanes and the hard shoulder trying to get it back under control, with artics anchoring up behind me.  Somehow I didn't crash, and by the time I got it straightened up I'd reached the bottom of the hill and it settled down again - although I reduced my cruising speed from 60 to 50 for the rest of the trip.  

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Drove a Volvo Amazon back afternoon of  buying it . It ran ok but It seemed to suffer intermittent  fuel starvation on longer hills. Never have I had a more stressful trip back along the a303. I think  it shortened My life by several years. SCARY. Maybe that’s why I tend to have cars delivered these days unless they’ve been daily drivers and/ or dirt cheap

The Amazon was fixed by adjusting the carb float level and rejetting the carb. I never did really gell with it.

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Spent a lot of money to me at the time on a 2 year old Astra. Flip key had gone floppy so on my lunch hour I decided to take it apart and fix it. 
 

Only had a butter knife and a tiny screwdriver. Prized it open. Knocked a bit of the circuit board with said butter knife, fucked the whole key up.

 

only key I had, had to get recovered home then have an automotive locksmith out at great cost to supply 2 new keys. 
 

I was a bit annoyed with myself.

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Not me personally, but the trailer tales reminded me of an incident my friend had towing a MK1 Mexico he'd sold behind his E30, up the M1. Trailer started fishtailing, no matter what he did he couldn't get it to stop, so as it reached the end of an arc, he stamped on the brakes as hard as he could. The whole rig did a 180, ending up next to the armco backwards in lane 3 - only damage was a broken ratchet strap. The reason the trailer misbehaved was the Mex was too low to drive on forwards, so he'd reversed it on so the engine right at the back of the trailer acted like a pendulum. 

Think he bought some new pants at the next services.

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