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Autoshite credentials questions - a bit of fun...


Dick Longbridge

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Have you ever won a car from a raffle you didn't even enter then driven it 40 miles home with a badly connected battery, no windscreen washers, a severe brake judder and the steering pulling to the left... in a Scottish winter?

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Have you ever had the front trunion collapse on a minor, chained it back together with the chain you always have under your seat, and carried on the 400 mile round trip on holidays to Great Yarmouth, with severely restricted lock on one side.

Have you ever put grease on your brake pipes before an MOT.

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Has a nosey neighbour started a conversation about how many cars you have parked in the area... Before realising how useful it is to have someone around who is sufficiently fluent in cars to be able to help when they run into trouble and point them to a decent garage? 

Bought extra socket sets so you have enough for one per vehicle? 

Confused the admin lady at work as to why you need 3 cars on the ANPR system. 

Had to explain a suffix registration to an incredulous Saturday girl in a shop etc who doesn't understand? (I've even had this with pre 2001 prefix plates now) 

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When you can drive round any place or village within 5 or 6 miles of your city and proudly tell your kids that you bought a car (or several, over the years) from that area, often followed by a description of how rubbish it was, or (in a few cases) where it broke down on the way home.

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12 hours ago, bunglebus said:

Have you ever had to start your car in a petrol station, by shorting out the starter terminals with a large screwdriver?

 

Have you ever had to start your car by shorting out the terminals with a large screwdriver, then had to jump away from it sharpish because it was a ropey old automatic that was capable of starting in Drive?

 

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20 minutes ago, Mally said:

Have you ever had the front trunion collapse on a minor, chained it back together with the chain you always have under your seat, and carried on the 400 mile round trip on holidays to Great Yarmouth, with severely restricted lock on one side.

Have you ever put grease on your brake pipes before an MOT.

I had one collapse on a Reliant Scimitar, you know, like the one Princess Anne used to drive. I had crossed over a railway level crossing minutes before it happened. I shudder to think what would have happened if it had collapsed midway over the crossing

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2 hours ago, Dick Longbridge said:

Have you ever spun your Morris Minor on black ice at 11pm, lost all lights and ignition after twatting the kerb with a back wheel, and then had to scrabble around in the dark to reconnect the loose battery clamp so you can get on your way again? 

Yes. 

18yo me, MM1000 post office van...

Deep snowfall and I want to go out *but wheelspin... Gets engine on high/choke, reverse [wheels spinning] get OUT & push... Van moves, keeps moving = I cannot jump in = careers down estate road crashing into neighbours car. 😕

He was very good about it and I gave him a bit of cash S.N.M.

*still went out

..... that a Qualification?

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have you ever had the nsr shock bolt break on a pothole leaving shock loose and instead of phoning breakdown you cable tied it to stop it rattling like fuck and drove 30 miles home from work

have you ever regularly slept in your car at racetracks because you are too tight to pay for a hotel and you know your car is more comfortable than a tent even though its an almera, then discovered the passenger seat backrest winder is fooked so you had to doss in the drivers seat

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3 minutes ago, bunglebus said:

Have you ever driven a 2.0S Capri that wasn't yours home from the middle of nowhere, with no clutch, using the starter motor to get you going at traffic lights? 

Not a Capri, but a 1985 1.0 Metro. Drove it over 80 miles with no clutch rather than pay for a tow. There's quite a knack to a smooth stop without stalling with one of those gearboxes - it will come out of second really easily if you time it right.

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21 minutes ago, Sir Chocolate Teapot said:

How many pages of the daily mail have you used over  the years  to support structural bodywork mesh and filler repairs up to mot standard on british cars.

Daily Mail? The very idea!


Glasgow Herald if you don't mind...

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Ever started out on a  journey late on a dark horrible night out in the sticks, half a mile later hit a bump in the road and all the lights go out?

Then naturally assume that Lucas the Prince of Darkness has paid you a visit and continue your journey by pulling the hi beam flash constantly and hovering over the brake pedal to give yourself some rear lights if anyone comes up behind you,

Do this for 20 miles until you reach civilization and stop under a street lamp and see that when you were pissing about with the choke, it was you that turned the lights off!

Old minis were shit sometimes!

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Have you ever had total brake failure either on your way to work, on holiday, on a day out or collecting a new* car and thought about continuing your journey, not even considering the option of calling a breakdown service for such a trivial matter, before either going back home for another car at a slower pace with much bigger gaps behind the car in front or continuing to your destination before attempting to repair and bleed the brakes yourself (using gears and turning the ignition off when in 1st do the same job as brakes- so I’ve heard, new pants may also come in handy)

No neither have I not once or even four or more times.

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Have you ever taken your MK1 Fiesta from Essex to Reading en route to Cornwall while running on three cylinders, changed all the ignition components to no effect so driven home, pulled a MK2 Escort out of storage and taxed/insured it then driven that to Cornwall and back with a front wheel bearing humming noisily all the way?

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Have you ever:
...asked a colleague, the last one to leave the works car park besides yourself, to "hang on a minute" in case you need a hand bump starting or jump starting your car, because your battery is on its last legs?

...had to push your chod away from the pumps, dumping the clutch once you're clear, so that you can shift the starter motor off its 'flat spot'/turn the flywheel so the starter has some teeth to engage on, before you try again to start it?

...driven a car full of mates 200 miles, at no time exceeding 50mph, because doing so brings on the most awful misfiring, which much later turns out to be caused by nothing more than a loose spark plug cap?

... returned from holiday, with the wife/partner/girlfriend, to pick up your car from Gatwick airport long stay parking, and had to literally bale the water out of the passenger footwell, before she can get in for the long drive home?

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1 hour ago, Sir Chocolate Teapot said:

How many pages of the daily mail have you used over  the years  to support structural bodywork mesh and filler repairs up to mot standard on british cars.

 

1 hour ago, Spiny Norman said:

Daily Mail? The very idea!


Glasgow Herald if you don't mind...

gazzetta dello sport ovviamente :P

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Have you ever driven from Mid Cornwall to Plymouth in a 1967 Beetle in winter with no heating, with the passenger window down and with leaking heat exchangers whilst having to keep your left hand firmly on the gearstick to stop it jumping out of fourth?

Have you then had to climb out at the Tamar Bridge toll booth to hand over the money (because driver's window mech borked) much to the disdain of the queue behind you, whilst struggling to speak because of the cold and monoxide intake over the past hour, and whilst realising your left arm is still locked in the 'keep her in fourth gear' position? 

That was me, that was. 

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