Station Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 Episode 1: Saab vs Alfa Romeo vs Lancia "It's got a up and down moving steering wheel, and seats feel very comfortable over long distances ..." "The Rover has plenty plenty of space in the glovebox, handy for things like maps, sweets, and a first aid kit ..." "The Lancia is miles ahead of anything else, because it's Italian, and Ferrari is also Italian (and so is Alfa Romeo, but they're rusty) ..." "It's got an ultra-modern sat nav ..." "The interface is extremely user-friendly ..." "It's very ergonomically designed ..." "So I never have to take my eyes off the road when I'm using it ..." A stupid infomercial thing between unleaded and four star, and fuel additives: "F ... For ... For ... Forty fucking p?!" "I'm going to try and inform you, but I'll probably end up making you want to turn over and watch Tommorow's World ..." "Interesting ..." "Remember when Top Gear used to be like this ... ?" "Here's an awesome Sierra, next to a crappy Cavalier. Vauxhalls are pooey." "Read it and weep, future computer viewers!" Jeremy Clarkson does autojumbles "This place is full of junk that only twats will buy ..." "[Does fake retching action]It's the worst car you could possibly ever drive ..." "Why do you come to places like this, I bet you drive a Marina?" "Why would anyone want any of this shitty crap?" "I've got a Sierra Cosworth ..." [cue 'Take My Breath Away' by Berlin] Tiff Needel brags once more about his racing 'career' (10 professional races), while driving around a track in a Sierra Cosworth "Brag brag, I'm ace me, my racing career, etc ..." "In my days as a racing driver, etc ..." "I've got my own racing helmet, I used it during my racing career ..." "This is what I did when I raced ..." "Pebble Mill!" robinmasters and Vince70 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 Will you put these on my portable hard drive for me if I bring it round? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Station Posted October 17, 2009 Author Share Posted October 17, 2009 Episode 2 Renault 19 Chamade and Renault 21 review "We were given the option of the 140bhp GTi model, but went with the 1298cc carburettor, bottom of the range 'Merde' range ..." "The steering wheel has nice, smooth edges, which give relief over long motorway miles ..." "The boot provides ample storage, for trips to the tip, the weekly shop to Sainsbury's, car boot sales, or transporting my son's drumkit to and from his pop band rehearsals ..." "Many will be weary about the sharp edge on the corner of the boot - I bashed my head on it earlier, which left me with a rather nasty graze ..." "The stereo hides behind a thief proof panel ..." "For when you're not driving through the leafy suburbs of Surbiton, Surrey ..." "The controls are easily accessed, for ease of use over those long motorway miles ..." "The gearchange is easy on my bizarrely jointed hand ..." Pointless On location bit in California, American covering 'pollution' Boring old car shit robinmasters 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Station Posted October 17, 2009 Author Share Posted October 17, 2009 Episode 3 Skoda Favorit "I wonder who's going to reviewing this then?" "Surprise Surprise! It's Chris Goffey!" "The diminutive Skoda handles beautifully when taken at a leisurely pace around B-roads" "The HUD, the 'head up display', provides relevant information about the distance per set time you are travelling, and a handy clock, to tell you the time with ... " "The gearchange is smooth, once the fluid is warmed up ..." "Fuck! I took that a bit quick then!" "The velour fabric seats provide amply support to the buttocks, while offering little to no support to the lumbar area, thanks to it's hardcore filling ..." "The cheap plastic will no doubt be ripped off by a stray exitting knee, however they offer adequate storage for first aid kit, Fisherman's Friend lozenges, compass ..." "I've fucking broke it!" Boring crap about motorcycle safety, featuring the knock-eyed feller from the unleaded article More boring, pointless, yet mandatory shite about old, obsolete, specialist cars (was there ever an episode without them?) Interesting, but 'nothing new' article about stolen cars "There's one thing about all these cars ... apart from all being Ford ... they're all stolen ..." "This Stanza has had a new engine - a very likely sign it's been clocked." "This ones been chopped in half - that means it's going to completely break in half when you're driving it!" "Look out for little things, like a missing fuel cap. This is a sign, the car is stolen!" "Always arrange to meet in a public place - like this elderly lady's front garden ... " More shit on motorsport "I'm so angry" "Is that an XM between the mk1 Transit and the blue Toledo?" Vince70, robinmasters and michael t 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pogweasel Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 QualZ!!!!I enjoyed the Beard Goffey text. Quite precise. Love the son-in-a-band ref. Also the Needell 'pro-driver' crap is so on the money....All you need now to complete is Quentin the Undead telling us that we should all buy a low-miles Merc 190E with FSH to complete the set... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shite_meister Posted October 18, 2009 Share Posted October 18, 2009 Kwaliteee! that is quite the wittiest thing I've seen in ages, good work man! And Pog is bang-on about Wilson insisting we all buy old Mercs, fuck does the widows-peaked lob-sided smirking one do anything else? his missus must groan when they have guests round for fish fingers and chips. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedSparrow Posted October 18, 2009 Share Posted October 18, 2009 More please! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trigger Posted October 18, 2009 Share Posted October 18, 2009 Good work Station! I remember Quentin always going on about the Mercs, Think i might have a old Top Gear mag in the garage with him and another presenter, Forget who, fighting over which was the better car, A Merc E class or Lexus LS400. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovejoy Posted October 18, 2009 Share Posted October 18, 2009 10 out 0f 10 Station ! Hilarious !!are you one of those spots half-way round each side the Monopoly board, by any chance ?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Volksy Posted October 18, 2009 Share Posted October 18, 2009 LOLZ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Lobster Posted October 18, 2009 Share Posted October 18, 2009 Ha! Ace, and very accurate. MOAR PLZ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Station Posted October 18, 2009 Author Share Posted October 18, 2009 As dodgy as he looks!For a decade between 1991 and 2001 he appeared every week on Top Gear, routinely exposing shoddy service and poor product, educating car buyers on how to beat the system as well as pressurising the industry to lower new car prices in the UK.In 1988 Willson was convicted in Coalville Magistrates Court after admitting eight offences of applying and selling cars with false descriptions including a Cavalier clocked from over 100k to 27k. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Station Posted October 18, 2009 Author Share Posted October 18, 2009 Episode 4 Mazda 323 "Hey, I've found 50p!" "The windscreen wipers break really easily ..." "Here's some other Mazdas to compare it to ..." Bit on (possibly) Honda cars in collaboration with Rover, or being made in this country This bloke is not as entertaining, and a bit more scary, than Chris Goffey. (Who didn't appear in this episode). He must be unwell (or on holiday, maybe he's taken Renault, with it's ample storage space, and splendid visibility out of the rear window). Get well soon Chris! Straight to the taxi-rank Straight to set of 'Keeping Up Appearances': "It looks just like an NSX!" "No it doesn't" "We painted them red, then put reject horrible grey plastic trim on, and then badged them as Rovers" I'd quote something Woody Allen said if I knew any. "The Rascal looks smaller, but it's actually bigger, as the Midi is actually fatter, or something" Which transposes nicely into a bit about massive trucks, which should be mildly interesting, but it isn't, it's like those information bits about unleaded - fucking boring "Some van takes some mud to a hole, and dumps it in" "Vans were like this at one point" The crafty so-and-so was out on location doing the truck review! "The driving position is giving me stabbing pains in the arse, I don't think I could drive this any longer than one and a half hours" "The steering wheel feels like you're gently pushing your kids on a playground roundabout - it really is ridiculously oversized" Pointless rally section - surely a program on Saturday morning covered this better? Not a review for the Volvo RWD OMG TRAMPDRIFT GETTING IT SIDEWAYS, but a review of some farmer woman getting taken out for a drive in a rally car Proof of farming occupation Lesbian rally driver turns up - farmer suprised it's a woman! Woman appears more bored tbh, unsurprising considering their "rallying" on a small supermarket car park: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v25/stationmiek/topgear/vlcsnap-2009-10-18-13h48m49s185.png Shit boring piece on Mini heritage (or something) - (Alec Issigonis rolling in grave c.2002 not pictured) http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v25/stationmiek/topgear/vlcsnap-2009-10-18-11h30m16s255.png "Mini's Have Feelings" - will you be thinking that when you upgrade to a SSangYong Tangarine in 2009 eh? Twat! http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v25/stationmiek/topgear/vlcsnap-2009-10-18-13h25m39s102.png "Hey everyone, I'm so crazy" http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v25/stationmiek/topgear/vlcsnap-2009-10-18-13h25m42s137.png "Rumour has it, when British Leyland approached Milligan to help advertise the little city car he promptly waived the fee such was his love for the Mini. By then Milligan was a convert in the values of environmentalism, something in which the small, efficient, but remarkably spacious Mini went hand-in-hand." http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v25/stationmiek/topgear/vlcsnap-2009-10-18-13h25m47s175.png Mini Heritage Club Chairman? (Twat) http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v25/stationmiek/topgear/vlcsnap-2009-10-18-13h25m54s218.png Scrappage Scheme here we come: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v25/stationmiek/topgear/vlcsnap-2009-10-18-13h26m03s83.png Vince70 and robinmasters 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Station Posted October 18, 2009 Author Share Posted October 18, 2009 I can't believe it's Episode 5!! Rover 200 review I'd love to see how Mr Goffey fared in the current Top Gear format: "The Honda sourced 8v unit runs beautifully, and pulls well" "The British made Rover 16v unit runs like I'm repeatedly slamming my bollocks in the fork and knife drawer" "A feature that appeals to me - you can raise and lower and raise and lower and raise and lower the seat belt height" "My first port of call - the storage space" "Pleasantly adequate space for my leather sports bag, filled with towels" "The dials aren't too distracting, leaving you to concentrate on the road. It also has a revolution per minute dial, to keep an eye on economy." "Pleasant enough to whisk you to garden centre on Sunday in" "We've managed to overcomplicate the simplication of how an engine works here" Over lengthy bit on Police car pursuits - 15 minutes, and it's typically DULL - Police Camera Action did this job much better Old police officer drives a Senator: Chapter 2 "All Police Officers can drive at 50mph+ in 30mph zones - it's the law" Interview with old people - is this about car chases?? A load of Rover 800's block in a 'hot hatch' MG Maestro on skid pan - 'lightning' Tony Mason takes a break from his usually 'Motorsport' bit, to present a bit about old (fucking) buses "Bottom Gear" Chairman for the Association of Old Buses agrees - "It's great to take your old bus out now and then" "My wife only lets me collect the smaller type!" Winner of 'Most Wrought Iron on Old Bus' award 1987 and 1988 'ecstatic' at another victory: I think a Fire Engine's trying to get through: Earls Court (or similar) Car show! Top Gear, patriotic to a tee, gets straight to business! "Walnut, leather, etc" "I had to fill up the tank 100 miles ago - it is far too thirsty for a family car" "It's far too overpriced to be competitively placed alongside the Rover 200, the Vauxhall Cavalier, or the Ford Sierra" http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v25/stationmiek/topgear/vlcsnap-2009-10-18-14h38m33s179.gif "Gearchange is brief, thanks to the automatic gearbox" http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v25/stationmiek/topgear/vlcsnap-2009-10-18-14h38m04s35.png "'Sport' mode is turned off if it gets too hairy for you" http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v25/stationmiek/topgear/vlcsnap-2009-10-18-14h38m07s70.png Motorsport article ... "Mr Needel, we're going to have to ask you to get out of the car, please, come on now Mr Needel, it's not yours!" http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v25/stationmiek/topgear/vlcsnap-2009-10-18-14h43m43s94.png "Blah blah, bollocks, etc" http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v25/stationmiek/topgear/vlcsnap-2009-10-18-14h43m53s194.png robinmasters and Vince70 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shite_meister Posted October 18, 2009 Share Posted October 18, 2009 excellent, hey do you think its possible for Tony Mason to speak without chuckling? he must think he's a chuckle bro or somesuch honestly, check him out next time he speaks and see the little cunt chuckle with every sentance, I wonder if he adds a cheaky chuckle when delivering bad news like? michael t 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andrew e Posted October 18, 2009 Share Posted October 18, 2009 Top stuff keep it coming! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
warren t claim Posted October 18, 2009 Share Posted October 18, 2009 IIRC there was a tasty looking blonde presenter at the time who later went on to become a Krishna wierdo. Can't remember her name but wouldn't mind a photo for old times sake! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
retrogeezer Posted October 18, 2009 Share Posted October 18, 2009 Michele Newman?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
warren t claim Posted October 18, 2009 Share Posted October 18, 2009 Nope, not her. Too posh for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richard Posted October 18, 2009 Share Posted October 18, 2009 The only other female presenters on the Wikipedia page are VBH, Julia Bradbury and Kate Humble. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Top_Gear_%281977_TV_series%29 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IanF Posted October 18, 2009 Share Posted October 18, 2009 Top Gear has had a few more female presenters than just that - I seem to remember Janet Ellis doing a couple of Motor Show reports for a start. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0163503/fullcredits#cast May be it was Sue Baker Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
warren t claim Posted October 18, 2009 Share Posted October 18, 2009 After much internet research I have discovered the presenters name is "Becki Adam" phew! Thought I was my elderly mind playing tricks on me for a moment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Conrad D. Conelrad Posted October 18, 2009 Share Posted October 18, 2009 This was a good thread until the animated GIFs. Then it became a great thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brammy777 Posted October 18, 2009 Share Posted October 18, 2009 all this reminicing about olde top gear has made me resent the current format somewhat.And with fifth gear being cancelled, what better a time then to launch shite gear....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Father Ted Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 Well with DV cameras being cheap as David Dickinson and the advent of You Tube, plus our very own celeb presenter in our midst... I thinks we can probably cobble together some sort of Jalopy-Autoshite-Gear type prog for people who want to know how to weld two halves of a Ric Rapid together. I have the cameraman skillorz if you have the cars. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carlo Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 Well with DV cameras being cheap as David Dickinson and the advent of You Tube, plus our very own celeb presenter in our midst... I thinks we can probably cobble together some sort of Jalopy-Autoshite-Gear type prog for people who want to know how to weld two halves of a Ric Rapid together. I have the cameraman skillorz if you have the cars.Who's that then? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michiel Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 My tummy hirsts from laughing too hard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pogweasel Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 My tummy hirsts from laughing too hard.??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
warren t claim Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 Well with DV cameras being cheap as David Dickinson and the advent of You Tube, plus our very own celeb presenter in our midst... I thinks we can probably cobble together some sort of Jalopy-Autoshite-Gear type prog for people who want to know how to weld two halves of a Ric Rapid together. I have the cameraman skillorz if you have the cars.Who's that then?Yes go on, do tell! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michiel Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 My tummy hirsts from laughing too hard.??? Err, yes. Something went wrong in my head there, this thread made me laugh and that reminded me of D.Hirst's humorous stuff of late and then I blew a neurological fuse I think. Sorry! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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