Crap Jokes

[Station]

Sorry.

 

[AXrescuer]

Mickey Mouse goes to see a divorce lawyer to seek a quickie divorce from Minnie Mouse.After some deliberation the lawyer tells Mickey, "I'm sorry Mickey but the fact that Minnie has buck teeth is simply not grounds enough for a divorce."Mickey replies, "I never said she had buck teeth, I said she was fucking Goofy!" :oops:Man gets arrested in B & Q for assault after being told to go in and look for a Black & Decker!

[Station]

What's the first sign of Madness?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Suggs walking up your driveway.

 

"I thank you!"

[Pete-M]

[MrRegieRitmo]

to the lot of it!

[Richard Cranium]

Keep 'em coming!

[Richard Cranium]

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves. A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word. Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks. By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline. And the father says "Okay damnit, I'll do the dishes!"

[carlo]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure"? "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure"? she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. £150!" she cried. "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead"? "The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it's now £150â€Â

[babydriver]

Little johnny & Alfie are playing ina back stret when Johnny jumps into a box and starts going "brr brr brr" Alfie asks "what are you doing?" "Im a long distane lorry driver" Alfie starts doing press ups, Johnny asks "What you doing like? "Shagging your missus while your away"Paddy & Mary went to counselling after 25 years of marriage. The therapist asked what the problem seems to be.Mary had a list, neglect, lonelines and she felt umloved.The therapist asked Mary to stand undid her blouse then caressed her breasts and kissed her passionatly. "This is what your wife needs 3 times a week, can you do this Paddy?"Paddy thaught for a while and said "I could drop her here Monday & Wednesday but I play golf Fridays."

[Cavcraft]

Old as the hills but one of my alltime favourites...Young lad gets a job in a butcher's shop in the next village from him. By dinner time the boss is so impressed with him he leaves him in charge for an hour.Shortly after a lady comes in and asks him for an Aylesbury duck. Not knowing the difference between the various ducks for sale he grabs the nearest one and puts it on the counter.The lady then rolls her sleeve up, puts her fist up the duck's are and states clearly: This is NOT an Ayelesbury duck, this is an Oxford duck'.The lad's a little panicky now and grabs the next duck off the shelf whereupon the lady does the same with her arm and says 'This is NOT an Aylesbury duck, this is a Bristol duck'.This continues until he reaches the last duck on the shelf and aware his boss is due back soon he's mightily relieved when the lady puts her arm up th duck's arse and announces it's an Aylesbury duck and she will take it.As he's wrapping it it up the lady said' Gosh, I haven't seen you here before, where are you from? With that the lad jumped up on the counter, pulled his trousers down and said 'You tell me, you're the fucking expert'.*I'll get me coat!

[Richard Cranium]

a Man U fan walks out of Old Trafford and makes his way home. As he crosses a busy road, he is hit and killed by a speeding car.He floats upwards to Heaven, and upon reaching the pearly gates, he rings the bell.St. Peter answers, wearing his favourite Liverpool scarf. "What can I do for you?" asks St. Peter."Well..........I'm dead," says the Manc, " And I'd like to come into Heaven, please.""What makes you think its as easy as that?" enquires the Saint. "What have you done recently that would qualify you entry? You can't just walk in, you know."The man thinks, and then says, "I gave a tenner to the tsunami relief fund a while ago""So?" replies St. Peter."And I paid a tenner for the Big Issue 2 weeks ago when I was shopping.""Is that it?" asks St. Peter"Let me finish," retorted the Manc, "I also gave a tenner to an AIDS awareness charity on my way to the game today. You see, I am a good man really." pleaded the footy fan."OK. Wait there. I'll go and speak to the boss"5 minutes pass and St. Peter returns."I've spoken with my gaffer and we both agree..............................here's your 30 quid back..............now fuck off.