Reasons that you didn't buy a car.

[JohnK]

Couple that spring to mind -

Back in 2013 I was running around in a 55 plate MG ZS 1.8. It wasn't my main car as such, I had an S-Type as a daily but the then Mrs JohnK had an 03 plate Fiesta 1.25, she had upgraded so I had gone through a series of straight swaps/swaps with cash either way on the Swapz site, starting with the Fiesta and I think I ended up with the ZS and some cash in exchange for a Golf V5 Estate that I had.

Anyway I had thrown it back onto Swapz and was approached by a lad with a ZR, agreed to look at it and he said he would come to mine. He rocked up with 3 mates trying to be intimidating, I quickly diagnosed the ZR had HGF and said I wasn't interested to which they got a bit arsey as 'I've driven 40 miles mate' - I remember politely asking them to fuck off to no avail, resulting in me having to just slam my front door on one of the guys as he tried to enter the house. Prick.

Related to that aforementioned Fiesta, when the missus was looking for a new car at the time we drove down to Leeds to view a Corsa one Friday evening, we got there, it was full of dents, knackered trim and the engine was running when we got there. We didn't even introduce ourselves to the staff, I took one look at the car and walked back out the gate.

Other ones I have walked away from include back in 2011, I was looking for a 'newish' daily and test drove a 58 plate Focus from a local Evans Halshaw dealer. That conked on the A19 in rush hour with no fuel, whilst waiting to be picked up by his colleague all the salesman could ask is if I was buying it to which I replied I couldn't wait to get back into my own car and fuck off as far away from them as possible.

Another one I turned down was an E46 325i, won it on eBay. me and my mate trekked up to view. I took it for a test drive and it immediately went into limp home mode before I got it out of the sellers estate. He blatantly knew there was something wrong with it as didn't act surprised and was trying to just get rid of a problem I think. Shame as it was really clean otherwise but I was in need of a daily not something requiring work. I then got hold of my current Cavalier (the first time I owned it, it is now the second time I've owned this car).

[bunglebus]

Oh yeah, there was the Corsa auto I went to look at with a friend, he needed an auto after a motorbike crash and was in a hurry to get mobile. Drove into Kent to a slightly dodgy car dealer's yard - guy isn't there but it's unlocked with the keys in it (!)

Well what a pile of cack. Huge oil leak all over the engine, filthy interior, wheel arch trims held on with garden twine and no sign of oil on the dipstick. Out of politeness we waited for the guy to see if there was anything else suitable. He said he'd been driving it every day! Had to dissuade my friend from buying it as who knows what damage had been done by running it dry, no cambelt history either.

 

[Datsuncog]

A fair few years back, with my Escort growing ever-more scabby by the day, MrsDC happened to mention that she'd noticed a Mk2 Golf parked up at the back of a local dealer's forecourt.

I called past one evening when they were closed - and it turned out to be a reasonably clean-looking 1991 Driver model, 5 door in a kind of silvery blue.  I guessed (correctly) that it had been a trade-in, and the sticker price was £695 - pricey enough for a skinflint like me, though very much the budget end of the market for the dealer (most of whose stock was two-year-old Astras and the like).

I rang about it the next day, and agreed a time to view. On arrival, I had a proper look at the interior (really clean, if something of a black hole after the Escort's cheery beiges and browns), noted a few minor giffer-dings and scrapes, and agreed with the very young-looking salesman that 80k was a reasonably low mileage for the age of it. I wasn't a Dubber, but even though there was no tax or MOT this still looked a genuine wee thing and hopefully would be rather more reliable than the disintegrating Ford... so with my mind already half made-up, I hopped in for a quick test-drive...

And it wouldn't start. The engine turned over happily enough, but just wouldn't catch.

The salesman popped the bonnet, looked underneath, frowned, jiggled things... nothing. I had a look and a poke, but could see nothing amiss either. One of the mechanics from the service centre was summoned and spent about half an hour going over it while I waited in the showroom with a cup of scalding coffee and a rumpled copy of Auto Express.

Eventually, with time ticking on and no sign of the Golf starting, I shuffled over to say that I really had to go, but thanks anyway for trying - I'd rather just leave it.

The salesman held out his hands pleadingly...

"So you're not going to take it? It's hardly a big job though, fitting a new engine..."

I confirmed that I had no interest in purchasing an un-MOT'd, non-running car potentially in need of a new engine - especially from a dealer for seven hundred quid.

He looked genuinely surprised as I drove away.

 

EDIT: Just found a pic of it, from July 2010, and it was actually priced at even more than I remembered!

A quick DVLA check suggests that it never saw the road again:

A real pity, that - it's quite possible that the dealer just scrapped it after I departed, rather than waste time trying to fix a sub-£1k trade-in.

It was very clean. I'm feeling annoyed with myself now, as it was probably a really easy fix like a dodgy earth strap or glazed plugs or something.

Daaaah.

[DoctorRetro]

I may as well paste in my experience on Sunday with a Rover 25 in a local dealership:

It's fucked*

Struggled to start, would not stay running even with 3 attempts and a bit of coaxing/throttle. Oil filler car was suspiciously clean, I mean not even fresh oil on it. 

I gave the bloke the key back and said no, I know my Rovers, that's not good. He was a bit taken aback as he reckoned it would stay running with a bit of throttle. 

[dozeydustman]

Another one I forgot about. Moved down to Chichester way, poor old Ford Cougar's MoT about to expire and needed replaced. Saw a Picasso advertised in Sidlesham, DW8 power for added win* but would come with 13 months MoT. Swarthy sod in office threw keys at me as dealing with another customer outside. Got to end of trading estate where car lot was, cabin was full of diesel exhaust fumes and PAS had failed. Turned round, threw keys back at him and left without saying much except if that's going to get a fresh ticket I'll send my knackered heap there and keep it.

Instead I bought the Saab of doom.

[busmansholiday]

Think I've only walked away from two cars I went to see with money in my pocket.

Both were Zafiras.

One, started OK but after 20 seconds smoked that much the street couldn't be seen for the smoke. Seller (dealer but based at home), when asked how it got through MoT simply said he'd drained most of the oil out before taking it  there.

Second was in limp mode, barely got up hill next to dealers.

Bought a Crocus.

[andy18s]

When we were looking to buy our 1st Bulgarian car,the Mrs decided to go look at an Opel Meriva (or whatever Europe called them)

Looked clean and tidy,everything worked electrically so swmbo wanted a test drive 

We fired up the mighty 1.9cdi and were rewarded with squealing belts,and a general groaning noise from the front

Whilst trying to see the belts and stuff we asked the seller about cambelt changes ect in our best sketchy Bulgarian 

Something must have got lost in translation though,as he stumbled off to his workshop and returned with an old school oil can

This he shoved through a non standard hole in the cambelt cover,3 pumps and all was silent......

Super!! He announced, then asked You buy now??

 

 

 

[Jamie]

i very nearly walked away from the e46 convertible i went to look at today.

 

its 2003 car with 184k on it so i wasnt expecting much but turned up today in blackburn it was being sold from 'diamond wash' a hand car wash...first alarm bells... 

quick walk around rust bubbles on front wings... standard. Get in it it looks like a rotweiller has been at the drivers bolster after being left sat unoccupied for hours aswell as the steering wheel, utterly dog eared, gearknob much the same. I think someone has genuineley been sick in the passenger footwell. There is a concoction of smells in the cabin - firing her up i was greeted by numerous warning lights, mainly EML, ABS, Traction control, Handbrake warrning light and the brake pad low warning light- it screeched into life with a nice alternator/anonymous pulley noise. taking up drive there was a thud from the prop shaft  and all 192* horses failed to get up off the start line.  think its lost about 100 of them in the past 16 years. Get back for another quick inspection. 3 of the 4 tyres are past the limit and the expansion tank is empty of any coolant/K-Seal/etc... Asked seller for the kettle to fill it up - paid him all the money it was advertised at and drove off into the sunset. Happy shiting!

 

[Mrcento]

To be honest, there's not many cars i've walked away from, i usually just buy it and work around how fucked it is, But if i see something that hasn't been mentioned and/or something that looks like it's tried to be hidden or something that's played down as irrelevant, nowadays i tend to walk.

Walked away from a Discovery 3 with a lit EML because the seller said it was just a garage light due for a service (it was blatantly an EGR issue)

The only other 2 that i've seen in the metal and said no to were an uglybug multipla, because there was a good reason they only photographed the passenger side... didn't even get out the car when i saw the drivers side had about a dozen fell length scratches down to bare metal that had all gone rotten, and a Fiat Marea 2.0 20v, because whilst i was fine with the worlds worst built interior in hearing aid beige, i couldn't quite get past the cambelt lottery angle with nobody having a clue when it was last done and knowing what the job is like on them.

I never saw my biggest regret in the metal, but "the one that got away" for me was a Renault Clio Williams. Had one lined up, with an MOT for £800. The drivers rear quarter panel was rotten and needed huge section cut out, replaced and a partial respray of course. I figured at the time that the repair would be around £1500-2000 and by the time i got any mechanical niggles tidied up, i'd probably have been looking at £3500 all in for something approaching a minter. Looked at the prices of the time, looked at the comparative prices of 205 GTI's and figured they were slowly appreciating but pretty stable, would probably be 4 or 5 years before it would be worth anything near what i'd have ended up paying once work was done.

Great call. 6 months later prices on them exploded like nothing i've ever seen on a smaller car. In todays market, with the work done it would have been worth more like 8 grand.

[crapcarcollector]

If I’ve agreed to buy it, I buy it. I’ve looked at many and not bought because of one issue or another, but the one and only time I’ve conversed with a seller, bid and one won on eBay then told them no was-

 

Fiat Marea Weekend. Advertised as tip top.

 

Arrived (was cheap) with trailer.

 

Fella said, hang on for 10 minutes, I’ve got to fetch it from my mates. No worries says I, knock yourself out.

 

20 minutes later a vision in blue appeared.

 

Blue smoke that is. The thing literally had no radiator. None, wasn’t there. Fucking missing. He’d drove it 4 miles from his mates like that.

 

I called him a dick and left him with it.

 

He opened an eBay case.

 

He didn’t win.

 

 

[adw1977]

About 5 years ago I won a V6 Mondeo on Ebay, drove 50 miles to collect it, the seller wasn't there but his wife was. 

Took it for a drive, first thing was the remote central locking didn't work, not a big deal on a £700 car, but seller's wife knew about that fault he hadn't bothered mentioning in the listing, so that started a small alarm ringing in my head. 

Engine management light was on throughout the test drive.  Got back, all the paperwork was spread out on the kitchen table, V5 in a different name and different address to the supposed seller.  Couldn't walk away from that one fast enough!  Fortunately I hadn't paid any money upfront.

[loserone]

Because I'm a time waster.

[leanycan]

Walked away from a couple. The one that springs to mind was an ‘03 or an ‘04 Skoda fabia Sdi estate. Was working a nightshift and went over to view it before I started work. It was a clean car and looked fair decent for the price but I wasn’t amused by the fact it was filled with seats from another car the seller hadn’t bothered to take out. 

[Brian Damage]

Early 1990s.  I'd been in touch with a Triumph specialist I won't name who had a Mk 3 Spitfire for sale at an attractive price ' for rolling restoration'.  After numerous calls, plus my Dad calling and discussing it with them and, having been assured it was in sound condition and could be easily Mot'd and used as a daily, just needing light restoration, a trailer and Range Rover were arranged to go down to collect the car plus a couple of my Dad's mates to help with navigating (no satnav then, of course) loading the thing.  When we finally got there, we were shown this complete dog of a thing in the corner.  Didn't bother opening the door as I reckon it was the only thing that was stopping the car from folding in two.  It was totally fucked.  Had to jump in to stop my Dad and his mates from leathering the guy selling it...Then there was the Herald 13/60 convertible.  This was in Bolton, one owner from new etc.  Went there to find it was a saloon and the guy had unbolted the roof from it, yet he was adamant it was a factory convertible.  Had also had the outriggers replaced with what looked like Dexion plus it had a bonnet from a 1200 - something else the seller neglected to mention on the phone.  Unsurprisingly, I didn't buy it. 

    

[Zelandeth]

The second FSO Polonez I tried to buy.

It was advertised as needing some welding, but had a current MOT.  It sounded honest enough, rough round the edges but a decent candidate for a rolling restoration.

Turned out to be beyond rotten.  The pedals moved about an inch in either direction when you turned the steering wheel, the bulkhead was so rotten.  Neither of the rear doors opened as the apertures had warped so much.  Suffice to say I walked away from that one!

Well, ran screaming was probably closer!

 

[83C]

14 hours ago, Datsuncog said:

A fair few years back, with my Escort growing ever-more scabby by the day, MrsDC happened to mention that she'd noticed a Mk2 Golf parked up at the back of a local dealer's forecourt.

I called past one evening when they were closed - and it turned out to be a reasonably clean-looking 1991 Driver model, 5 door in a kind of silvery blue.  I guessed (correctly) that it had been a trade-in, and the sticker price was £695 - pricey enough for a skinflint like me, though very much the budget end of the market for the dealer (most of whose stock was two-year-old Astras and the like).

I rang about it the next day, and agreed a time to view. On arrival, I had a proper look at the interior (really clean, if something of a black hole after the Escort's cheery beiges and browns), noted a few minor giffer-dings and scrapes, and agreed with the very young-looking salesman that 80k was a reasonably low mileage for the age of it. I wasn't a Dubber, but even though there was no tax or MOT this still looked a genuine wee thing and hopefully would be rather more reliable than the disintegrating Ford... so with my mind already half made-up, I hopped in for a quick test-drive...

And it wouldn't start. The engine turned over happily enough, but just wouldn't catch.

The salesman popped the bonnet, looked underneath, frowned, jiggled things... nothing. I had a look and a poke, but could see nothing amiss either. One of the mechanics from the service centre was summoned and spent about half an hour going over it while I waited in the showroom with a cup of scalding coffee and a rumpled copy of Auto Express.

Eventually, with time ticking on and no sign of the Golf starting, I shuffled over to say that I really had to go, but thanks anyway for trying - I'd rather just leave it.

The salesman held out his hands pleadingly...

"So you're not going to take it? It's hardly a big job though, fitting a new engine..."

I confirmed that I had no interest in purchasing an un-MOT'd, non-running car potentially in need of a new engine - especially from a dealer for seven hundred quid.

He looked genuinely surprised as I drove away.

 

EDIT: Just found a pic of it, from July 2010, and it was actually priced at even more than I remembered!

A quick DVLA check suggests that it never saw the road again:

A real pity, that - it's quite possible that the dealer just scrapped it after I departed, rather than waste time trying to fix a sub-£1k trade-in.

It was very clean. I'm feeling annoyed with myself now, as it was probably a really easy fix like a dodgy earth strap or glazed plugs or something.

Daaaah.

Given its a fairly late Mk2 it's probably the switch at the back of the ignition barrel that failed. On late ones its a crossover part from a Mk3. Had exactly the same problem with my Mk2 Ryder - lots of turning over but no spark. 

[Datsuncog]

^^^^  ...and, just like that, the mystery's solved... sounds exactly like what the problem was.

Real shame it was binned for want of such a comparatively trivial component, then - but I'm sure it wasn't the only clean low-mile example to be fed into the fragger due to a failed switch.

Still, £825 still would have been a fair oul chunk to pay for a non-runner, and I doubt I would have had the aptitude to trace and fix such a fault, either then or now!

[DodgyBastard]

I went to see a 190e a couple of months ago. It was an hour away so to save money on transporting it I had planned on insuring it and driving it back after booking it in for a test.
The seller was very reluctant to let me drive it and wouldn't even entertain a quick test drive around the block. I didn't buy it.

Another one, a 306 sedan 1.8 petrol with a horrendous beige interior, the seller had practically begged me to buy it and kept dropping the price over the course of a couple of weeks.
Reluctantly, I went for a look, he pulled it out of a storage unit. It started up fine, I drove it around the yard, all was good apart from both front windows being stuck down, I wondered if there was some kind of child lock stopping them from going back up so when I got back I asked the seller what was up with the windows.
He said they were fine the day before and had just left them down overnight to air the car out.
The thing is, his photos from the advert a couple of weeks previously had featured the car with both windows down.
I didn't have any inside storage space to keep a car with open windows so gave it a miss, also didn't particularly like being lied to.
There are plenty of cars that I went to see and really shouldn't have bought but there are very many I didn't buy.
Another one I just thought of, a Renault 25, went to see it, sat inside and wasn't feeling it so didn't buy.

Sent from my G3121 using Tapatalk

[Vince70]

My favourite was about 10 years ago I bought a buy it now Audi 80 5 pot coupe via eBay which was about an hour up the road which was up for around £700 so I got the cash out and trundled up the A21 to pick it up.

There was lots of pictures of it on eBay (except for the passenger side) and it looked a lovely straight car and apparently it had a just a few scratches on the passenger side.

When I got to the driveway dealers address I couldn’t see the passenger side as it was parked up close against the wall but when I eventually got him to move it  I was greeted to a car that needed a new rear wing plus a door and a front wing and indicator plus door handle and mirror as it looked like a HGV had taken the side out and it was only fit for spares and luckily I hadn’t parted with the cash beforehand via PayPal.

Another time I went to look at a 306 at a dealers for a grand and in the pictures it looked lovely in Jewish Racing Gold but the angle the pictures where taken you couldn’t see the front but I was told it was in lovely condition so off I went to Bromley to be greeted by a car that needed a bonnet front bumper radiator and lights.

And then there was the the R50 mini I went to buy for my brother which looked lovely in the pre accident pictures lol  and was told all that was wrong with it was a very small hairline crack in the front bumper and it ended up having no inner liner around the suspension turret plus needed a new bumper and the rear suspension was damaged and hanging down plus the back had taken a shunt and when I looked at the oil and coolant it didn’t have any and surprising the seller I had been talking to couldn’t turn up so it was being sold by a car wash place.

[sierraman]

As soon as I see one of those car washes in the background I move on to the next ad. 

[Datsuncog]

Just remembered that I'd told another tale about not buying a car, earlier on this year.

Here it is again, mildly reheated. Ignore it if you've already read it.

It concerns this massive bag o'shite:

I think the ad originally appeared on Gumtree, in May 2013. A 1993 Montego Clubman 2.0 Diseasel Estate, up in Randalstown - only about 30 miles away. My 'modern' 2004 Alfa 156 JTD Veloce had turned out to be a hugely awful pain in the hole and general money pit, and I knew that its chances of passing its MOT in June were less than stellar. The promise of roof rails and a towbar were a big draw.

I think £500 was the asking price - with no current MOT, but it was booked in for one in the next few days (this may have been at a time when the government-run MOT testing centres in NI were experiencing a massive backlog, and cars were being granted temporary exemption certificates because they couldn't get a test date for 12 weeks or whatever).

The seller (a fella going by the unusual name of Bag, if memory serves) seemed very nice over the phone but was quite hard to pin down. It seemed he worked erratic hours, and the car was being stored in a locked haulage compound to which he didn't always have access. It took quite a few days of negotiation to agree a time to view, during which time the MOT was failed on a worn balljoint - but I was assured it'd be replaced and re-tested before it was sold.

 

We went up on a stinking hot afternoon in the ever-faithful Yaris, and met with Bag in Randalstown main street, before following him in a van to a yard out in the countryside. His mate was coming down with the keys shortly, and while waiting we chatted pleasantly about the various old nails we'd owned. He also had a Mk1 Golf, and seemed to do a bit of buying and selling.

Then Matey-boy showed up, after about half an hour of us standing around. I immediately decided that I did not much care for Matey. One of those fellas who comes across as crushingly friendly, all the while watching you with something odd dancing in the blacks of their eyes. Despite his overbearing chumminess, I got the impression that his demeanour could shift quite rapidly; a bit like Robert Carlyle's portrayal of Begbie in the Trainspotting films. A little bit like that. He even had the same wee 'tache. I didn't feel all that comfortable.

 

The car itself, when I finally clapped eyes on it, was... odd. There was just a strong vibe off it of something not being quite right, which hadn't come over in the photos but did so strongly in the metal. Normally I'm fairly adept/lucky at winnowing out dodgy motors from just the ads - I wouldn't have come up to see it if I hadn't been prepared to do a deal. But I had to pause and look hard at it.

There was plenty of appallingly badly touched-up surface rust, but nothing too bad. It looked reasonably okay underneath. The interior was well-used and somewhat scruffy, but not utterly ruined. It had clearly been crashed at some point, but the repairs to the front panel looked reasonable, though the bonnet was now a bit frilly. Yes, it looked like a total shed, and I had no doubt the neighbours would despise it - but then most of my cars fell into this category anyway. But, even so, something didn't feel right.

An additional problem was that whilst Bag seemed content to just stand back and let me have a poke around, like any decent seller, Matey seemed determined to do all he could to distract me and interrupt me. He stuck right at my elbow, making constant declamations about what an amazingly sound car it was, how utterly reliable it was, how hard they were to find in this condition now, etc etc.

One early problem arising was in the boot. This car had been spec'd as a seven-seater, and so came with the folding jump seat built into the boot floor. Except it wouldn't fold down, for some reason, and despite much effort where we could get it to partially go down, none of us could get it to actually go flat the floor. And then, having abandoned our efforts, we couldn't get the seats back up again. This wasn't ideal for a car I needed as a load-lugger for kitchen and bathroom componentry. But my concerns were batted away by Matey; it was fine, no problem, easy fix.

 

Just to try to uncover a definite reason to reject the Montego, I took it out for a drive. I knew the old n/a Perkins lump was not going to match the 156's JTD powerplant, but it on starting it felt like a bloody Nuffield tractor running on three cylinders. The vibration was eyeball-shaking. Once I got it out on the road, I was somewhat shocked to realise that the driving experience could be summed up as follows: everything that should be tight felt loose, while everything that should be loose was tight.

The pedals were all unbelievably stiff, and squeaked as they resisted all human effort to move them. The steering wheel, meanwhile, had about ten inches of slack in it while the gearstick seemed to be totally unattached to anything other than the rubber gaiter, so much play did I encounter during operation. The hand controls and window winders all felt like they were going come away at any moment, while the clutch snatched and grabbed like an ill-mannered orangutan being offered a bag of buns.

But maybe... maybe this is just the way Montegos are? I was aware that by 1993 they were regarded as hideously dated cars, and only really existed to act as a threat to underachieving sales reps. But could they really be this bad, even with 160k on the clock...?

Bag and Matey stayed in the yard, with the Yaris as security, while MrsDC along came with me. I could tell she was less than impressed by the car, which was abysmal even by my utterly execrable standards.  I only took it to the end of the road before deciding to curtail the test drive, so little enjoyment was I deriving from the experience. I then spent a pleasant* and relaxing* few minutes trying to select reverse in order to conduct a three point turn, while holding up an increasingly irate funeral cortege. As you do.

Around this point, I started to become rather conscious that we were somewhere very isolated, and that no-one else knew that we were even there. I hadn't told anyone I was going to look at this latest heap, and hadn't expected it to be so far off the beaten track, in a locked yard with these two characters. A faint panic rose in me, that we were about to become the unwitting stars of some sort of horrendous mid-Ulster snuff movie. The Randalstown Chainsaw Massacre. The Hills Have Shite. It'd be a funny way to lure victims, admittedly, with a shonky old Montego estate, but then they were funny guys... and not funny-ha-ha, either. However, I kept these thoughts to myself.

We clonked and squonked back into the yard with guarded relief, and I made a few faintly non-committal noises while Matey expressed flabbergasted confusion that we hadn't both been so overcome by the superlative driving experience that we'd gone on an impromptu round-Ireland jaunt. I continued to press aimlessly at the various dash buttons while my idiot brain scrambled to formulate some concrete plan to extricate us from this increasingly uncomfortable situation (MrsDC had wisely retreated to the Yaris at this point).

I hauled myself from the (baggy, saggy) driver's seat and made another thoughtful circuit of the car - then stopped as I noticed the small pool of water spreading from under the front n/s wheel. Ah. Well, this was interesting.

 

I opened the bonnet again, to further enjoy* the diesel engine clattering away like a thousand chain-mail clad warriors having a vigorous swordfight in a tambourine factory. The water seemed to be coming from... the area beneath the windscreen washer fluid tank. I looked closer. There was a loose section of pipe coming out from the tank, swinging in the breeze about 18" down. How very odd.

Trying to ignore more of Matey's indefatigable rhapsodising about this unlovely heap of old wank (by this stage, Bag had wandered over to a corner of the yard and was picking listlessly at some rust on an LT150 van), I stuck my head back into the cabin and jabbed at a few buttons. It transpired that pressing the rear wash/wipe button activated the car's 'incontinent cocker spaniel' function. Perplexed, I ducked round to the back of the car... to find that there was no rear washer or wiper. At least - not any more.

It's hard to remember what things were like back in the pre-smartphone era (and no doubt younger folk will titter), but this was the point at which I pulled out a black-and-white printout of the Gumtree advert, and squinted at the grainy greyscale photos. Because, as far as I could tell, the car in the photo - the very same car, depicted in the very same yard - DID have a rear wiper fitted. The car before me now had a rubber plug over the hole where the wiper spindle should have been, sealed with what looked like black mastic.

 

Bag and Matey were hovering close at hand. I pointed at the bootlid.

"Um... just wondering here, what happened to the rear wiper?"

Matey folded his arms. His twinkling good-humour had rapidly dissipated.

"What? Nothing. There isn't one."

Bag looked at the ground and said nothing. I pressed on.

"Well, it looks like there's one in the ad photo here. And there's a switch for the rear wiper on the dashboard..."

Matey swiped the printout from my hand and squinted at it with a high degree of suspicion.

"No... no, it LOOKS like a wiper, but it's just, like, a crease in your paper or something..."

He stuffed it back at me with the air of a man who had solved the mysteries of the Bermuda Triangle. I didn't find his case for QED convincing, and cautiously continued,

"It's just, there's a pipe coming out from the washer reservoir that looks like it's been cut - hence all the water whenever the button's pushed..." 

I indicated the spreading pool on the dusty ground.

"What? No... no no no. Definitely not."

There was a further uncomfortable silence. Some birds twittered. No, the printout was not great quality, but I knew there had been a wiper when I'd looked at the photos on my PC. In fact, the very same pic is posted below, as I'd screenshotted it. There is clearly a wiper present. I knew it, and they knew I knew it.

I know now that I should have been firmer, and that this should have been my cue to say, Well, thanks for your time gents - the car's not for me, but best of luck with the re-test and sale. Then we could all have left the compound with a modicum of dignity, however ill-deserved.

But oh no. I felt I'd spent too long now faffing and poking to do something as simple as that.

I knew that I wasn't a timewaster, and I didn't want to be perceived as such; I mean, I had the full £500 asking price tucked away in my pocket. Obviously I'd hoped to chisel a bit off, but I'd arrived with cash in hand fully intending to at least leave a deposit if the Montego seemed in any way capable of functioning as a mode of transport. I think I was surprised, more than anything, that I'd finally encountered a car that didn't meet even my unbelievably lax standards. Even though I was effectively car-less,with the Alfa beyond bodging, I was by now reasonably certain I didn't want this - at any price.

So of course, rather than just playing it straight, I instead pitched an insultingly lowball offer that I knew they could only refuse. What a dick move.

"Mumble mumble mumble... £200."

Silence.

FFS.

Well, Matey-boy didn't take kindly to this. Cue much waving of arms, gnashing of teeth, exhortations to the heavens that his little ones would have to forgo shoes and nourishment because of my flinty-hearted callousness, and they'd all be in the poorhouse by the end of the week. You've seen The Life of Brian, right? The Beard Vendor. That bit.

Bag still kept quiet.

More silence. Birds continued to chirrup in the adjacent derelict DAF cabs. Matey folded his arms, coughed, spat, then spoke.

"Okay then, you can have it for £400."

Double FFS.

Obviously, the next obvious move was for me to bleat £300, and then it would be checkmate and shake-hands at £350. That's the way it goes, and we all knew it.

But the crucial thing was -

I.

Didn't.

Want.

It.

 

At all.

Not for £350.

Not for £3.50.

 

I'm still not 100% sure how I made it out of the yard. I know I didn't make it out without looking like a massive timewasting ballbag, that's for sure.

I think I just gabbled a bit, smiled a lot, made some expansive arm gestures, then sprinted for the safety of the Yaris. The kind of skills I last needed to employ to fend off lads selling knock-off Calvin Klein jeans in Turkish holiday towns.

I roared off in the Yaris, the plume of dust from the yard helpfully masking any angry figures who might have been giving chase.

 

A week later, Bag unexpectedly rang to say I could have it for £300, if I wanted it. The balljoint was now replaced, and it had the MOT retest booked.

 

I should have come clean there and then, safely on the other end of a phone (rather than in Randalstown's own version of the Thunderdome) and explained truthfully that the car just seemed a bit shonky; it drove like a bag of bolts; the disappearing components worried me; and I was really discomfited by the presence of Matey. I just didn't want the damn thing, even for free.

Instead, of course, I once again lied like a bastard and expressed much sads and regrets that, gosh, I had just bought another car, wow, what bad timing, and while I would love to own something as wonderful as the Montego, I just couldn't see it working out - but seriously, best of luck, it's a great car, I'm sure someone will snap it up soon... yadda yadda yadda.

Basically, it's not you - it's me.

 

But oh, it absolutely was them - and their weird Montego. I wish, for my own peace of mind, I'd been able to say that. But then again, I think that deep down, Bag himself knew full well what I was trying to say. God only knows what the dynamic was between him and Matey-boy.

A few weeks later, I bought myself a VW Polo Fox. And although it was the same age as the Montego, scabby and a little bit wonky, at least it felt more like a car and less like a loosely heaped collection of parts moving in vaguely the same direction...

 

So what's the moral of the tale here? Listen to your heart, kids. And if you're going into a locked compound with a bunch of slightly odd culchies, make sure people know where you are, okay?

[JimH]

Most of the cars I haven't bought remained unbought by me for very sensible and obvious reasons most often down to a slight difference of opinion as to the exact meaning of words like "immaculate" and "mint" and "showroom condition". However, one day I went to the Honda garage to sign on the dotted line for a new S2000. As the gentleman in the suit was filling in the order form he wrote "metallic paint - £500".

"I'm having it in black", I reminded him

"The black is metallic" He responded.

"Not according to the brochure it isn't". I gestured towards the brochure on his desk open at the relevant page.

At this point he got up and went to fetch their colour chips. He buffed it with the sleeve of his jacket. "See, it's metallic"

"I have a vague idea about automotive refinishing and I promise you that is not metallic"

If you are a fan of This is Spinal Tap you may have seen the various bits which were left on the cutting room floor which have been collected on various DVD releases. In one scene they are sitting at the doomed signing session and a young lad comes to have his purchase signed which they duly do in black felt tip pen. There is then an entertaining scene of them holding it across the light to prove that they had signed it and you could read the black felt tip pen on the black album cover. It was exactly that motion that this gentleman made before finally offering,

"It's a very light metallic effect."

"I'll tell you what, I'll just leave it thanks." I left and went to the Vauxhall garage and bought a car from them instead.

[Eyersey1234]

Which Vauxhall did you buy jimh? 

[twosmoke300]

1.0 corsa 

 

[JimH]

They were doing a deal on the Swing special edition that week. How could I resist the sunroof, dealer fitted mudflaps or unique Swing decals?

What I done bought and what happened to it was mentioned in this thread here -

 

[flat4alfa]

Loads.  Fond* memories include:

2003 Renault Avantime £2995. 3 years back.  Big roadside car dealer in rural Essex.  Long chat on phone, said I was travelling some distance, gave ETA.  Arrive, it's out front ready - but - "he's gone to lunch".  Wait 15 mins while looking at a fancy* Renner with a flat battery.  Salesman rolls up, still eating KFC from the bag.  Jump unit wheeled out.  Test drive up the road and back.  Pull up outside the forecourt as it boils-over.

1975 Morris 1800 omg late plate madness £1200.  10 years back.  Roadside middle-ground Classic dealer at Chesterfield.  Decent chat on phone, arrangements made for weekend.  Upon arrival, ushered into sales office/building and fed coffee by young pretty sales assistant.  After a good 10 mins the owner (mature and suited) greets me by name, remembered from phone call earlier that week.  Go out to car.  As I'm assessing its sills and underside 'history', a jump unit is rolled out.  Engine now running.  Fuel gauge tapped with finger as I suspected it was sticky.  It wasn't.  It was showing empty.  He jumps in after I ask to take it up the road, he says the 'clutch needs pumping'.  As we pull out of the forecourt, he says to me "please buy it".  First gear change, yes it does need a bit of effort.  First brake application, pedal goes to floor too.  100 yards and then pull over to turn back.  Pumping both pedals, get back safely.  I waited all week to see that car and had already bought it in my head and made space in the garage for it

[Wack]

Reasons I didn't buy car 

Alfa 166 with a big dent in the door the seller thought we'd talk about after I'd spent £40 getting there , twat 

Cad D volvo I shouldn't have bothered with but it was local

Got there and I was right , opened the bonnet, there was a 20 wire loom running ns-os along a crossmember behind the bumper. It'd been joined with bullet connecters, looked like a snake had swallowed a rat , I saw electrical problems at the first puddle.

I've had plenty where I've put the phone down with, I'm not even going to look at that.

 

 

 

[Agila]

I travelled from Yorkshire to Essex to buy a lexus rx350, spider senses were tingling and I came back home after 10 minutes,something didn't feel right. It was 2017 and I'll leave it to you to Google dane elliot hockley

[Bren]

Went to look at an e60 535d prior to buying my 545.

I had looked at the 545 and used it as a yardstick. The 535 was a year newer but had over 100k. It had a few marks and that awful aluminium trim inside that looks more appropriate adorning s chippy.

The seller admitted he only averaged 27 mpg. This, coupled with the price of diesel and the bork factor that goes with a twin turbo six pot diesel with over 100k made me plump for the petrol. The e60 is much nicer with a V8.

[Tadhg Tiogar]

The only car I backed out of buying when it was in my grasp was, weirdly enough, a 1971 NSU Ro80 "HGU 219J". This was round about 1992; I was in University. The Ro80 had come out of the Sotheby's auction the week before for £550, and the buyer (more of a Triumph man) had bought it out of curiosity more than anything else. Curiosity satisfied, he was now moving it on for £700. I went up to Friern Barnet to see it - it was in really really good condition, in hunting green, with no visible rust and only the merest hint that the original paint was starting to flake off. Better yet were the orange carpeting and leatherette seats, and - unusual for the year - the front seats had headrests. The engine was the original NSU.

Triumph man takes three goes to start it, and it idled really well. I didn't get to test drive it - the insurance on the Audi 90 I was driving at the time didn't cover other cars. I said I would have to think about it. Fuck's sake I should have bought it there and then, and then worry about where I was going to park it. But no, I thought about the parking/storage first and the fact that I didn't have anywhere safe.

Nowadays the same car can command six/seven grand. Always wondered who bought it in the end......