The grumpy thread

[cort16]

I thought I’d take the Megane to work today but couldn’t get the car out as this farmfood fuckwit had blocked the lane unloading his chicken dippers .

[barefoot]

15 hours ago, xtriple said:

Just before I took the mutts out to the park, I had one of my periodic falls. During this (all to) frequent event, I somehow managed to bash my right hand into the door lock, this resulted in a small but deep cut between my first two fingers, the bit where fingers join hand. Bleed? You have never seen anything like it since the last horror movie you watched made you feel sick! Because the dogs were both doing the time worn dance known to all dog owners (take me out NOW or I shall piddle/poo everywhere you step you useless twat!) I wrapped a load of kitchen roll around it and carried on.

I went to the Co-op on the way,  I was stuck in traffic for a few minutes, finally I got to the park and the bastard was still bleeding, blood running down my fingers and dripping everywhere (jeans now in the wash) and one dog, who is I'm sure part vampire, desperate to get at this scene of gore and horror. It finally quit when I sat at the park, then my mate turned up and he pointed out that my lifes-blood was again leaking out. Is it a record that the bastard was still bleeding when I got back from the park? That's about an hour and a half of leakage. If I was a Rover group product I would be waiting for the AA to recover me.

Next time you sustain an injury like this, I suggest that you offer your wound to your dogs to lick. They seem to enjoy doing it and you will not believe how quickly it will A, stop bleeding & B, heal up. There's something very special in dog saliva. Although if you suspect that they've been licking their genitalia in the past ten minutes, I'd give them a glass of milk first.

[HillmanImp]

Just proper sprinted to catch a train. I'm so unfit my nose is running and my chest hurts. 

Grin is I made it. 

Grump is the train just sat there for ages doing nothing until it set off so I could've walked, still caught it and wouldn't have the taste of blood in my mouth. 

[Mr Pastry]

36 minutes ago, barefoot said:

Next time you sustain an injury like this, I suggest that you offer your wound to your dogs to lick. They seem to enjoy doing it and you will not believe how quickly it will A, stop bleeding & B, heal up. There's something very special in dog saliva. Although if you suspect that they've been licking their genitalia in the past ten minutes, I'd give them a glass of milk first.

FWIW Human saliva contains the same stuff.  "Licking your wounds" does make a bit of sense.

[djoptix]

3 hours ago, Supernaut said:

Wuvvum is Troy Queef AICMFP.

This should be on the anti-grumpy thread, but I do love the secret-handshake style signals that car people have to say "I used to be on the Evo forum before it went to shit".

[somewhatfoolish]

I thought Troy was SniffPetrol's invention?

[barefoot]

1 hour ago, Mr Pastry said:

FWIW Human saliva contains the same stuff.  "Licking your wounds" does make a bit of sense.

But not in the same concentration.

Did you see that bloke who spent all his days living with wolves in that Cornwall Zoo? One of them bit his face in error and off he went to hospital to be stitched back up. When he returned to the wolves, a female carefully removed the stitches & spent some time licking his wounds. They had healed up within the week.

I always let my dog lick my injuries, and I believe that it works.

1 hour ago, Nyphur said:

I'm sure I read a post about his dog eating it's own shit here the other day. I reckon Dettol is probably a better bet.

Dog's only eat shit, either their own or others, if there is something missing from their diet.

 

I think it goes without saying that if I'd just watched Steve eating a mountain of shit, I probably wouldn't let him near my gash*.

[yes oui si]

Letting dogs lick your wounds is a prime recipe for sepsis tbh. 

https://www.washingtonpost.com/health/2019/11/26/healthy-man-was-licked-by-his-dog-he-was-dead-within-weeks/

Fuck that. 

[Pieman]

6 hours ago, cort1977 said:

On the way to the ferry in Newcastle last week i had a Tesco fuel voucher so i thought i would fill up at the one on the coast road.  Because i am a twat i ended up driving up a road that has been turned in to a bus lane in the twenty years since i was last there.  Saw the sign, realized my mistake, turned around and drove round the long way.  

Bastard fine through the door this morning.  Going to write them a weaselly letter trying to get out of it but the moral of the story is that sometimes its not worth the bother fucking about with 5p a litre coupons.

Unwritten rule of life: every time you go out of your way to save a bit of money on something, it will cause something to happen that will mean you have to spend even more.

Case in point: a few months ago I was on the way home from visiting friends and took a diversion to where I knew there was a cheap(er) petrol station.  Got stuck finding the main road again afterwards due to being a dickhead who can't read road signs so put the twat-nav on, and the fucking SD card in the thing corrupted and I had to replace it.

[Mally]

I keep getting letters from my GP.

Wipe some poo on this card and we will inspect it for you.

Come and have a free flu jab.

Make an appointment to have you blood pressure/cholesterol/eyes/anything checked.

There's nothing wrong with me, I'll  let you know when I feel ill.

No doubt you may be too busy though.

[myglaren]

⇈  Same here.  I do realise that it would be better if I took advantage of those offers - especially as I have a daughter who works for the NHS. Also my eldest son is a medical researcher, not yet a doctor but well on his way, studying at Oxford.

Although both he and my daughter make very convincing arguments I fail to be moved.

Prevention and early diagnosis makes treatment more effective and reduces the burden on the NHS and our fellow humans.

I do however have a horror of shit and am inclined not to have to deal with it any more than absolutely necessary, nor have anyone else digging through it looking for germses.

As for flu jabs, those who had it whom I worked with always seemed to be worse after it.

[yes oui si]

Get your fucking flu jabs.

[sierraman]

I wish people with those godforesaken E Cigs you can get that are altered so they blow masses of sickly fruity smelling smoke out would fuck off. 

 

[Tamworthbay]

1 hour ago, Mally said:

I keep getting letters from my GP.

Wipe some poo on this card and we will inspect it for you.

Come and have a free flu jab.

Make an appointment to have you blood pressure/cholesterol/eyes/anything checked.

There's nothing wrong with me, I'll  let you know when I feel ill.

No doubt you may be too busy though.

Possibly so busy with people with diabetes, heart disease, bowel cancer, pneumonia and all those other problems that can be picked up and prevented by simple and regular health checks and immunisations?

[xtriple]

I get the same letters from the GPs surgery. One year I dd go for the flu jab; turned up at the allotted time to be met by a waiting room full to overflowing with crusty old gimmers waiting for their flu jabs. Seriously, there must have been 50 old gits in there (not including me) so I turned upon my heels and walked out. I decline their invitation for the jab every year.

Incidentally, it ain't my dogs that eat their own shit thank you! When Chester has been put on a diet (which he hates) then he will find the occasional lump of tasty cat shit when he's walking round. He knows I find this utterly disgusting and every time he does it, I cancel his diet.

Maybe he's not as thick as I think...

Oh yes,  discovered why I have been so fekkin cold for the last few days, bloody heating had gone off! No idea why or when. Now all toasty again.

[tooSavvy]

Big improvement on Bowel Cancer 'mov-ement' sampling....

Used to be 3shite swipes & you're off... in the post ?

new *improved $hitestick.... Poke it into one jobbie, slip brown nose into sealie bottle & post!!

quick n easy

[loserone]

@xtriple if you're going to be snobbish about sitting in a waiting room, go to a pharmacy and buy it, they're cheap enough

[High Jetter]

Letter from your GP? Shitestick in the post? Yes please - all I get is sodding texts from mine:

'Are you Bank Holiday ready (cos we're shut)'...'we want to update your record - do you smoke? Are you an ex-smoker? Have you ever smoked?' (They already know the answer to that!)...'Please reply if you'd like to complete the Friends and Family test' (Yes, I have both)...and of course 'Don't forget your appointment' Huh? I've been waiting 2 weeks for it, it's in my calendar, backed up FFS

[dozeydustman]

Parked in depot for tacho break (Why I have to have a tacho break I have no idea, in the eyes of the law my job is exempt unless doing trade refuse). Left keys in ignition as normal because loaders like to sit in cab and listen to radio while I'm in the mess room having my lunch in comfort. 14 mins in fitter starts up and moves my lorry and of course tacho set itself back to hammers after he's shuffled it about. Had to start the full 45 minutes again 45 mins after I'd got out the seat.

If he'd got me to move it I could have parked it elsewhere and resumed the break, and I'd have not had my rest time reset. I fucking hope he gets bollocked big time for this. Next time I'll keep the keys in my pocket.

[Cavcraft]

My son has taken part in a social experiment, where he has to wear a Boris Johnson T-shirt for two weeks.  So far, he's been spat at, punched and had beer thrown all over him.

 

 

It'll be interesting to see the reaction when he goes outside.

[robinmasters]

8 hours ago, barefoot said:

Dog's only eat shit, either their own or others, if there is something missing from their diet.

I think it goes without saying that if I'd just watched Steve eating a mountain of shit, I probably wouldn't let him near my gash*.

Are they like pregnant women, in that they instinctively know what's missing from their diet, and crave it, then seek out a jobby containing that substance? Or do they just think 'There's something missing from my diet-a lovely warm shit's bound to replace it, whatever it is.'.

 

On the second point, a girl in the year above me at secondary school was rumored to have done that, after baiting her 'gash' with dog biscuits. 

[Kowalski]

1 hour ago, dozeydustman said:

Parked in depot for tacho break (Why I have to have a tacho break I have no idea, in the eyes of the law my job is exempt unless doing trade refuse). Left keys in ignition as normal because loaders like to sit in cab and listen to radio while I'm in the mess room having my lunch in comfort. 14 mins in fitter starts up and moves my lorry and of course tacho set itself back to hammers after he's shuffled it about. Had to start the full 45 minutes again 45 mins after I'd got out the seat.

If he'd got me to move it I could have parked it elsewhere and resumed the break, and I'd have not had my rest time reset. I fucking hope he gets bollocked big time for this. Next time I'll keep the keys in my pocket.

I wouldn't worry about that, at worst you will get a warning off the tacho analyst company. 

[Saabnut]

Bloody tennants! Myself andmy brother have rented out our late mothers house since she passed away. Fully redecorated, new carpets, new kitchen, new bathroom, it was all done 3 years ago and let out. First year all good, but after that it became obvious they could not afford it. Let to a couple with a son in his 20s with anxiety issues, her health has deteriorated. I gave permission for one small dog.

Over time 1 dog became 3, daughter and young grandchild moved in. Rent arrears steadily increased (to over 6 months) but they paid what they could, and I am too bloody soft. Went out of my way to help. This morning the postie arrived with a recorded delivery package. In it 2 sets of keys and a letter, without forwarding address saying they have left. This afternoon I had to cancel plans and go see the house. Fortunately they have left it OK, just needing what I would expect after 3 years of rentists.

Now I have to organise electrical testing (along with a few repairs to sockets), a painter and decorator to refresh the paintwork and new carpets throughout. Just what I needed as I most likely return offshore in a weeks time after 4 years off.

Anybody want to rent a 3 bedroom detached bungalow with garage and tarmac drive for about 4 cars in the North East of Scotland? Bonus is it has a nice landlord.....

[yes oui si]

Jibbers funking Crabst. 

I'd have their new address within a few hours and I'd be on their doorstep for arrears that evening tbh. 

You can't give an inch. 

[barefoot]

16 minutes ago, robinmasters said:

Are they like pregnant women, in that they instinctively know what's missing from their diet, and crave it, then seek out a jobby containing that substance? Or do they just think 'There's something missing from my diet-a lovely warm shit's bound to replace it, whatever it is.'.

 

On the second point, a girl in the year above me at secondary school was rumored to have done that, after baiting her 'gash' with dog biscuits. 

No & on the second point, Fuck me, I never thought that anyone could possibly interpret my word for cut, as meaning 'fanny'. I am horrify.

 

[wuvvum]

Out of curiosity, what is the monthly going rate for a 3-bed detached bungalow up there at the North Pole?

[New POD]

2 hours ago, Cavcraft said:

My son has taken part in a social experiment, where he has to wear a Boris Johnson T-shirt for two weeks.  So far, he's been spat at, punched and had beer thrown all over him.

 

 

It'll be interesting to see the reaction when he goes outside.

Brilliant. 

[New POD]

16 minutes ago, wuvvum said:

Out of curiosity, what is the monthly going rate for a 3-bed detached bungalow up there at the North Pole?

Does not matter, you pay for a month and then get 6 months free. 

They would have got an eviction notice along with a bill for the interest as per the contract as soon as they were 1 week in arrears.  But it's in Scotland so you  don't have the same S21 to fall back on, ( which is going in England soon) 

[robinmasters]

1 hour ago, barefoot said:

No & on the second point, Fuck me, I never thought that anyone could possibly interpret my word for cut, as meaning 'fanny'. I am horrify.

 

No offence, like. I thought it was quite a common usage of the word.

[eddyramrod]

22 hours ago, wuvvum said:

Out of curiosity, what is the monthly going rate for a 3-bed detached bungalow up there at the North Pole?

I've been saying we wouldn't move but..... it sounds like a bloody lovely bungalow!  Just what we need really, and not that far from Inverness for access to half the family.  We could soon rent out this house.