Jump to content

Driver unfriendly car features


doubleyeller

Recommended Posts

Ford/Jag/Landrover windscreen washer button on the end of the stalk, not flick toward you for squirty like 99.9% of all other cars.

 

EDIT - why can't all manufacturers agree on a common system for column stalks?

'Cos then none of them would be able to claim that their system is better. Bear in mind car manufacturers are like petulant toddlers. The only educational concept they have so far learned is turn-taking*

 

*See Car of the Year award for details

Link to comment
Share on other sites

'Cos then none of them would be able to claim that their system is better. Bear in mind car manufacturers are like petulant toddlers. The only educational concept they have so far learned is turn-taking*

 

*See Car of the Year award for details

 

All it'd need is somewhere like the USA legislate to force the controls to all be the same. They did it in the 1970s for motorbikes which is why British bikes had to swap the gears to the wrong side to keep selling there.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

They have a mechanical latching relay for dip-beam to main-beam transfer, with electrical actuation for the latch coming from the main-beam flash circuit, hence even when the headlamps were off, if you flash the headlamps, the relay mechanically latches over to Main-beam.

 

Essentially, there's no difference between a headlamp flash and a changeover from main to dip. I presume it was done for penny-pinching reasons.

Volkswagens from the mk1 golf to the lupo all had the same nasty feel to the stalk action, teamed with the aforementioned full beam coming on and sometimes random operation of wipers. Stingy cunts

Link to comment
Share on other sites

'Clever' locks. Oness that decide that if you've unlocked the door, then got turned the ignition on, you must have left the car unlocked. So they lock it for you. Without you asking.

 

Since the day a Volvo locked me out (with the keys on the driver's seat), I've never trusted a car with central locking. If the keys aren't in my hand, a window is open. Just in case.

 

This. And the similar system on the Audi B5 central that would re-lock the car if it didn't sense that a door had been opened within a short time rather than the ignition. Of course, if the door switch fails it is quite possible for the car to lock itself *with the engine running* and the door switches all start failing after about 8 years.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

+1 for touch screens too. Not just the lack of ergonomics (just give me a button or a dial to adjust the radio, I should be able to operate the controls without my eyes leaving the road not jabbing at a screen) but the one in the outback disables the satnav controls when you are in motion. Now I can see the sense in this but it doesn't then disable the other controls, just the sat nav so you can still crash into a ditch adjusting the calendar or checking the stats on fuel usage, just you can't use the one thing that would be useful to adjust. 

 

Oh and you have to say OK to a health and safety disclaimer/lecture every. single. time. you start the car before you can use the screen.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hooli, on 28 Aug 2018 - 8:49 PM, said:

All it'd need is somewhere like the USA legislate to force the controls to all be the same. They did it in the 1970s for motorbikes which is why British AND ITALIAN bikes had to swap the gears to the wrong side to keep selling there.

 

FTFY

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's just occurred to me when talking about this thread in the office that cars because uncomfy & hard to see out of when they invented the word ergonomics.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've never tried one, I'm sure they're fine if the car is automatic, but hill starts must be fun* in a manual XM.

 

Indeed.

 

post-17915-0-59488900-1535533763_thumb.jpg

 

Bought this quite a few years back, as something cavernous to assist with a house move cos I couldn't buy and insure a van for anything other than silly money.

 

2.5 turbodiesel with a manual box. I'd never even sat in an XM before, so had only a vague idea of its Gallic idiosyncrasies.

 

The seller had given me a vague and hazy run-down about how to work the handbrake using the foot pedal and the odd handle down to the lower right of the dash, but I was more preoccupied about the fact I'd travelled quite some distance into Donegal for a not-that-old car whose sills appeared somewhat crispier than I'd have liked... and returning home empty-handed wasn't an option.

 

And so it came to pass that, after parting with a larger roll of cash than I was happy with, I then had to travel through Derry City on the way home - and found myself routed up Clarendon Street, which is a 1:3 hill (approx). With a set of traffic lights at the top. Which, naturally, changed to red on my approach, necessitating much hunting and stamping for the foot pedal, and tugging on the handle thing. This was the first time I'd had to engage the mechanism other than on the flat, and I found I really didn't much care for it.

 

I then realised that I appeared to lack the requisite amount of feet to make the damn thing set off again; there seemed to be no way for me to balance the clutch and accelerator on the bite point and simultaneously release the footbrake pedal. Pressing the brake pedal down, releasing the footbrake and then very quickly doing a two-step shuffle to find the bite point and move off seemed to be only way to manage it.

 

Which is not really ideal while performing a hill start for the very first time on a very steep hill in a very unfamiliar car. Stalling was likely, but the worst-case scenario involved badly misjudging everything and sailing gaily backwards down the hill, to end up going arse-first through the window of Iceland.

 

I could feel sweat starting to prickle my upper lip, knowing that the light was bound to change shortly.

 

I checked the rear mirror, and to my delight* found that a police car had now pulled up very close behind me.

 

Of course.

 

Of. Fucking. Course.

 

And then the lights changed.

 

Cue about ten seconds of Riverdance-esque fancy footwork, hauling at the brake handle (which disengaged with a colossal bang, to my surprise) and dipping the clutch pedal while revving the ever-living fuck out of the bastard to achieve some semblance of jerky forward momentum, creating lots and lots of diesel clag (the car had been lying unused for months) followed by another bang (which, it transpired, was the rear silencer coming away). All in full view of the peelers and Saturday shoppers.

 

Classy.

 

I still don't know how I was meant to release the parking brake without making that banging noise; I tried everything over the next few months of ownership (trying to synchronise releasing the handle and the footpedal) and it always jerked and sounded dreadful. Luckily* the car turned out to be an abject lash-up and, after a spectacular MOT fail, was sold to a specialist breaker for less than a quarter of what I'd paid.

 

I did once ask on the Autoshite Facebook page during a discussion on XMs what exactly I was doing wrong, but in that wonderful Facebook way someone got VERY VERY ANGRY with me (without ever explaining how I should have done it), and so I left it before they started making death threats.

 

So yeah. Fun*.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

As I remember, the owners' handbook is fine with the colossal bang - just pull the lever and the mechanism releases.  Now, my driving instructor taught me not to do things that make a nasty noise (in a conventional car, so he was talking about pulling the handbrake up without pushing the little button in) as the nasty noise usually indicates unnecessary wear.

 

Mine was an auto so I was able to rest my left foot on the pedal and let it release gently but I genuinely don't understand how you drive a manual XM.

 

I've driven other cars with unconventional parking brakes and had no problem, but the XM one is just plain silly.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Does the XM auto not have a hill holder, like the 405 auto does?

 

Mine definitely didn't, it was a series 1 though so could have been introduced later..?  I don't ever remember hearing of it though.

 

While adding to the thread: silly things that were missed on the LHD->RHD conversion.

 

Our Merc C class has a physical switch to change the driving mode (Pillock says upthread that they don't all have them, going through the touchscreen for that is ridiculous) but they left it on the wrong side of the transmission tunnel so the driver can easily change the volume of the stereo while the passenger puts the car into Sport+ Mode.

 

Citroen considerately moved the indicator stalk to the correct side on the GS but forgot about the handbrake (so Brits have to operate it with a very strong pinky) and the sweep of the wipers (so you have to lean to the centre of the car to see out).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Does the XM auto not have a hill holder, like the 405 auto does?

Nope.

 

I still don't know how I was meant to release the parking brake without making that banging noise;

You basically can't.

 

I did once ask on the Autoshite Facebook page during a discussion on XMs what exactly I was doing wrong, but in that wonderful Facebook way someone got VERY VERY ANGRY with me (without ever explaining how I should have done it), and so I left it before they started making death threats.

To do a hill start in an XM manual (or a Mercedes Manual for that matter) you do this:

 

Arrive at stop line in whatever gear you are in, with left foot on clutch, and right foot on brake.

Leave your right foot on the brake. Knock the car out of gear. Remove your left foot from the clutch.

Apply parking brake with left foot. Gently release service brake with right foot, making sure you don't roll backwards. If this happens, re-apply footbrake, and apply parking brake harder until you can release the footbrake.

 

Now you're stopped, you can start again:

 

Left foot on the clutch, into 1st gear. Right foot on the accelerator as normal. When you're ready to go, clutch to the bite point, and then slighty further than you would do in a hand-operated-parking-brake-car, because you now release the handbrake in one go (BANG), and go for it.

 

Fucking chaos. Try doing that wearing steel-toe boots, It's ruddy impossible. The alternative is that as you roll to a stop, you quickly shove the gearbox into 1st gear and then hold it on the clutch, which is far from ideal.

 

Foot operated parking brakes only work on two-pedal-equipped cars. I assume the designers from both Citroen and Mercedes either lived in the Netherlands, or somewhere near Chernobyl.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Depends how steep the hill is. I've tried a Mercedes Manual like this and rolled back a lot further than I'd hoped, although that could have something to do with the throttle response of a lot of Mercedes cars.. it's measureable in weeks.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You basically can't.

 

To do a hill start in an XM manual (or a Mercedes Manual for that matter) you do this:

 

[...]

 

Fucking chaos. Try doing that wearing steel-toe boots, It's ruddy impossible. The alternative is that as you roll to a stop, you quickly shove the gearbox into 1st gear and then hold it on the clutch, which is far from ideal.

 

Foot operated parking brakes only work on two-pedal-equipped cars. I assume the designers from both Citroen and Mercedes either lived in the Netherlands, or somewhere near Chernobyl.

 

It's a bit of comfort to learn (finally) that, for once, I wasn't just being an abject chump, then... the owner's handbook was absent (along with much else), and the seller had been less than thorough when explaining the Citroen quirks.

 

It seems I'd got it into my head that I needed to release the parking brake using both the foot pedal and the handle at the same time - I hadn't twigged that just pulling the handle would disengage the brake. Which would make things slightly easier, requiring only three feet to make a decent fix of things, rather than four...

 

Mr Angry on AS Facebook reckoned I should have been able to gently kiss the brake off with ne'er a whisper, and the fact I'd made it bang showed I was a TERRIBLE DRIVER and I DIDNT DESERVE SUCH A NICE CAR (it was already bean cans by that stage, but whatevs) and WANTED SHOOTING for being SO DISRESPECTFUL TO THE LAST PROPER CITROEN. Or tender words to that effect.

 

As it happens though, MrsDC generally managed to pull away with much less noise and fuss when driving it, and no matter how carefully I watched and tried to emulate her, could never do it as well. She also majorly embarrassed me by easily and neatly reversing a trailer into a driveway using it, after I'd spent three quarters of an hour fishtailing it up and down the street like a buck eejit.

 

Would you not be best off in an XM just sitting on the hill with your right foot on the brake pedal, then releasing that and getting onto the accelerator ASAP when you're ready to move off? You'll roll backwards a touch but you're going to roll backwards either way, most likely...

 

Yeah, I did eventually learn to just hold it on the bite point and only use the parking brake when actually stopping it. But that first time, having only owned the thing for a scant half hour and with a cop car sitting six inches from my towbar on what felt like a near-vertical slope... it was not my preferred learning curve, put it that way!

 

 

EDIT: The keypad immobiliser was a pain in the hoop also, as the cover had broken off and someone* spilt a sticky drink onto it... so it usually needed multiple presses to get each digit to register. Gr8 for fast getaways.

 

All that said, it was a fantastic cruiser of a thing with that fantastically supple ride, and despite being bodged to within an inch of its life provided me with totally trouble-free motoring throughout the dreadful winter of 2010 (though not having a working heater was a bit of a bummer). Would I have another? Yes. But I'd break my usual habits and go for an autobox version.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

EDIT: The keypad immobiliser was a pain in the hoop also, as the cover had broken off and someone* spilt a sticky drink onto it... so it usually needed multiple presses to get each digit to register. Gr8 for fast getaways.

You clearly didn't know about the bodge you can do here. Insert the code, then unplug the keypad. It keeps the vehicle in "unlocked" mode permanently, and if you ever want to re-enable it, just plug the kepad back in and it will work again.

 

Marginally late information?! :mrgreen:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You clearly didn't know about the bodge you can do here. Insert the code, then unplug the keypad. It keeps the vehicle in "unlocked" mode permanently, and if you ever want to re-enable it, just plug the kepad back in and it will work again.

 

Marginally late information?! :mrgreen:

 

Heh, just marginally!

 

Nope, at that point it was my first estate car, first French car, first diesel, first thing more complex than a mass-market Ford/Vauxhall/Japanese offering... my sole assistance was a HBOL off Amazon, and tbh I knew jack-shit (I know, not much has changed!)

 

Really wish I'd known about this place at the time - it could have all been so different!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh and windscreen washers - who decided they needed to operate the wipers as soon as I pull the lever, so dry/dusty wipers get dragged across the screen before any water has arrived?

I really don't like automatic anything, I will tell the car what I want it to do, thanks.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ashtrays. My 307 has one. But no lighter. The wife smokes, but never uses it. What I would have preferred is some sort of litter bin. Even to replace those stupid cup holders that are in the way of using the handbrake. Now we have to use a plastic bag suspended over the gear change. There is a small compartment in the rear of the tunnel for waste. But ever plastic bag is too large.

No fag butts go into the plastic bag or out of the window!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dashboards that illuminate all the time rather than only when you have the headlights switched on. What is the point, other than to confuse you?

 

The BX was the first car I encountered that did this.  I lived in Greater London at the time so only ever drove on lit streets and drove about at night with no lights fairly often for precisely that reason.  I could see the dashboard, and in London at night you can't tell if your (20 year old halogen) lamps are on or off.  The dash should only illuminate with the headlamps.

 

Slightly off topic maybe, but DRLs that only operate at the front, but illuminate the dash. Of course I'm far too intelligent to drive about in the dark with just DRLs on, but for most of the public...

 

I can sorta forgive this one - and I've been guilty of it in rented moderns.  I used to use rented Yarises a lot here in Lewes - driving through the Cuilfail tunnel into the town you can see that the front DRLs are on (because you can see the reflection off the walls and the car in front) and the dash is lit up, so it's a reasonable assumption that you can be seen from the rear as well.

 

It didn't click with me until I happened to drive through the tunnel in another car behind the Yaris that I used to rent.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh and windscreen washers - who decided they needed to operate the wipers as soon as I pull the lever, so dry/dusty wipers get dragged across the screen before any water has arrived?

I really don't like automatic anything, I will tell the car what I want it to do, thanks.

Weirdly my BMW is the opposite of this.

It's got a one second delay after washing before it wipes. But if you only squirt for 0.9 seconds it never wipes, the water just runs up the windscreen and you have to flick wipe.

 

It's even worse if you do a few quick squirts. My new game is to see how wet I can get the windscreen before my passenger freaks out.

 

On a straight road, obvs, so it's not dangerous.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Our work vans, Peugeot Partners have stupid wipers. You switch them on when it rains, so far so good. Then switch off the engine and get out to go and deliver something. When you come back and restart the engine the wipers don't come back on despite the switch being in the on position where you left it. You have to switch them off then on again. Every time you get back in the van.

 

I realise there is no no physical link between the switch and the wipers any more and everything goes via some computer for even the simplest of operations, which seems stupid in itself but other vans don't do it, just the Peugeots. It seems it is the act of switching that sends the message to the computer not the switch being in the on position. Ridiculous.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Our work vans, Peugeot Partners have stupid wipers. You switch them on when it rains, so far so good. Then switch off the engine and get out to go and deliver something. When you come back and restart the engine the wipers don't come back on despite the switch being in the on position where you left it. You have to switch them off then on again. Every time you get back in the van.

 

I realise there is no no physical link between the switch and the wipers any more and everything goes via some computer for even the simplest of operations, which seems stupid in itself but other vans don't do it, just the Peugeots. It seems it is the act of switching that sends the message to the computer not the switch being in the on position. Ridiculous.

 

That sounds exceptionally french.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...