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For Chod & Ulster: WED 29 MAY DAMPNESS!!

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Right kids - less than a week to go now!




Auction begins on Wednesday at 7pm, though the website cheerily states "Come early to view our great selection" and "Vehicles for all price ranges."


Apparently, "Vehicles are generally auctioned at very affordable prices, ranging from £150-£10000."


Well, one of those prices ticks my box for affordable...



For those of you who haven't been up this way before, it's not too hard to find; the premises are fairly visible from the main A57 Templepatrick Road.




If you're coming off the M2 motorway from Templepatrick direction, it's the next left just after the big Maxol garage before you get to Ballyclare itself; pull off at the sign for Ballyclare and then take another left straight after, to hook round to the auction shed.




Unfortunately, unlike Wilsons at Mallusk, it appears that Ballyclare Auctions don't post up photos and descriptions of the cars entered for the next auction - which I suppose adds to the element of suspense, but means you don't get to spend a week salivating at the prospect of a chewed-up Volvo V40 with a cracked screen that looks like it's led a hard life as a very small bin lorry, yet inexplicably has a £1200 reserve on it.


Come one, come all!


Kinda looking forward to it, though I have precisely zero plans to bid for anything.


Although... with MrsDC's Yaris in for its MOT tonight, who knows how circumstances may change in the blink of an eye?

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Ten grand - classic. I've yet to see anything break £2K. My Benz has been relegated to a garage near Lisburn for a 'wiggle in the bum' which I presume is dickie bushes on the rear. Should it fail to emerge by Wednesday I'll dust off my 1980s Dawes Galaxy.


For those that love chod, this auction will make you weep (especially if you win something).

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Fair play to you if you bike it, that's a heck of a hill coming out of town! (Fun on the way back, mind.)


Will likely be there in the Subaru Forester, complete with AS sticker to the rear to aid fellow-shiter recognition.




I may also go full FANBOI and wear my Autoshite t-shirt and all.



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Presuming that fellow Autoshiters aren't really that different from the general public and don't have two heads or similar, it's dawned on me that I've no idea what anyone looks like. Without trying to make this sound like a bad blind date, I'll have a red jumper on. Feel free to come and say hello (or not) as the mood takes you. Oh and I'll be in my slightly rough round the edges (aren't they all) 'resale silver' CLK230 cab. Cheers, Pete.

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Grand job!


Planning on wearing my Autoshite tee to aid recognition, hopefully we'll manage to make ourselves known to each other!


Think Faker said he's planning on wearing one of his Talbot rally jackets, but around Ballyclare direction that may not be a great help...







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Datsuncog will be along shortly with a few qualities of picturgraphs... but until then.... this beauty went through the ring tonight!


It was only bid to £800 (I think). It's for sale here for slightly more:




Very good to met you two by the way.

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It was only bid to £800 (I think). It's for sale here for slightly more:




Yeah, I'm not quite sure what the result was at the auction's end either - sold or not - but it did look pretty clean. Even £1350's not a lot for something that's such a rarity these days. But auctions like this do sort of confuse me, which is why I hardly ever bid...


The seller is the guy I thought it was, though; I recognise the house and the other Soviet chod in the background of the Car & Classic pics! An original local Riva saloon in so-very beige, and another dark red estate.


Decent spud: my Volvo 240 came from him (and was sold back to him too) while AdamMcC's Marina coupe also passed through his hands. The shiter community is close-knit around these parts...


Very good to met you two by the way.


Likewise! Great to finally be able to put faces to names; and I'd be up for making this a semi-regular thing.


Fuller write-up to follow soon...

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Grand job!


Planning on wearing my Autoshite tee to aid recognition, hopefully we'll manage to make ourselves known to each other!


Think Faker said he's planning on wearing one of his Talbot rally jackets, but around Ballyclare direction that may not be a great help...


attachicon.gifSpudgun, Bottom.jpg


Thats my mate Spudgun

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Righty-o, then... Ballyclare Auctions! The very first sort-of, not-quite, kind-of Autoshite Ulster meet-up. And in a suitably shite location.

I'd love to say that it'd been a while since I was at an auction, but in truth I'd been nosing around Wilson's in Mallusk only the evening before.

However, Wilson's was just the usual scorecard of unloved out-of-contract 13-plate Insignia Ecoflexes, waiting for some luckless bastard to come and play gearbox roulette with them.


Ballyclare, on the other hand, was serving up something much more appealing to the Autoshite palate.

And not just the cheesy chips from the catering trailer, either.


First up, I was running late as an indirect result of Yaris MOT/brakepipe shenanigans, documented elsewhere, resulting in a spirited drive up and over the New Line past Ballynure in L'il Thunder (who is beginning to sound a little too thundery in my opinion; an exhaust replacement may soon be on the cards).

Faker was meanwhile still sweeping in from Up The Country complete with his towing rig on a trailer mercy mission, while They_All_Do_That_Sir wasn't running at all (next time though, yeah?).

It seem that only The_Equalizer managed to show up on time to witness the first wrecks going through the ring.

But oh, what wrecks.

By the time I came dashing through the gates just before 8pm, slightly pop-eyed and sans phone, a Citroen C3 Pluriel was just exiting the ring, the gentle sloshing of waterlogged footwells just about audible over the cacophony of slightly pinholed exhausts and creaking wishbones as the others lined up outside the shed complex, ready to take their turn. Outside, smiley Transits retrofitted with beavertails flanked the roads of the small industrial estate, while young fellas in Mk3 Golf vans barked into their CB radios.

This is auctioneering as I remember it from my childhood - filthy, smoky, and dripping awful unspecified fluids from the undercarriage.



And that's just the punters. Arf.

Honestly though: look at this picture and tell me it doesn't look like it's 1995 all over again:


What have we got? A big sign demanding a stern £50 on the fall of a hammer (assuming the vehicle in question reaches that amount), and another one dissuading complaints with a non-negotiable SOLD AS SEEN.
Auctioneer Billy calling his impenetrable cant as only someone living a stone's throw from Ballymena can:

"Ana fourhundredfourhundredfourhundredfourhundred anafourhundredfourhundredfourhundredfourhundred, an a quarter, a quarter, that's fourhundredquarterfourhundredquarter in the room, clean wee car, an a fourhundredquarterfourhundredquarterfourhundredquarterfourhundredquarter, have we fiftyfiftyfiftyfiftyfifty, anaquarteranaquarteranaquarter, tek her out, an a quarteranaquarteranaquarter, no more interest - " *BANG*

Then taking a big swig from his bottle of Coke, while his glamorous assistant shuffles a heap of V5s from one tray to the next, as the cars sputter on through.

Not a computer to be seen up top, either.

What looks like surly 12-year-old children driving the assorted heaps through the ring, revving the tits off them in the queue for the ring as instructed by punters looking for belching smoke.

Oh yes, and a bunch of lads lolling on the bonnet of a FUCKING LADA RIVA ESTATE, cool as you like.

Plus a fairly well rotten rubber-bumper MG Midget, with the mother of all tidemarks.

This is Autoshite, Ulster style. These lads don't even know they're shiters, it's that effortless.

So. With Faker, The_Equaliser and myself finally together and introductions made, roving eyes were cast over the cars lined up outside. I dashed back to the Subaru at this point to retrieve my phone but, with the light already dropping as summer begins its inexorable twist towards autumn, I'm afraid the following photos are a little sub-par. Of course, this may flatter the cars somewhat...


Nice wee MGF, very similar to Warninglight's current roffle steed.

The 08 Saab Aero estate further down the line went for buttons, apparently. Northern Ireland has a lot of Saabs, for some reason - all of which are cheap, often ludicrously so. Bear that in mind, Scandi-shite fans...

Pre-facelift Vectra C is the not-so-very common saloon version, and therefore from some angles looks a bit like a Signum with arse implants.


Gangsta-spec Rathcoole Edition A4; blacked out windows matching the blacked-out rust blebs on the wings. Be the coolest 18-year old dealer on your estate for a full week, until it either pops a seal somewhere critical or one of the crime lords twigs you're doing business on his turf and you end up with rather more ways of bending your knees than previously.

There were loads of shagged-looking VAG saloons going through the ring as it happens, likely ex-cab Piss-hats with intergalactic miles and breathing their last.


Shouldn't there be a mirror here? Oh well. Least of its problems, probably. Didn't someone on here opine that cabs seem to go on forever while they're still their getting bi-monthly oil changes while running 24/7 and what-have-you, but as soon as they pass to private hands they deteriorate fast? Anyway, I wouldn't. So I didn't.


S40 with invisible* bumper repair. I still maintain that black or silver cars are so popular round here because it makes gaffer tape repairs so much easier to blend in.

Oh here. what's this?


A Fabia saloon. Again, not that common. Despite his mild Skoda addiction, Faker resisted. But beside it...



Goodness me, a 59 plate Proton Persona Gen-2. In purple!


And it's running on LPG, to boot. Fair few scuffs, mind.


Into the ring, and bidding was surprisingly strong, pulling up to just shy of £800 in a matter of seconds. Clearly, this old Malaysian shitter is hot property. *BANG*. Sold.


My head was turned rather by this S80. Private seller, black leather inside, former caravan towcar by the looks of things.


On entering the ring, a punter strode briskly up holding his Styrofoam cup of tea to peer at the instruments, only for the child driving it to fling the door open right into him. Tea everywhere.

Bidding peaked at £400. Seller said no, not letting it go for that. I could have been tempted... but out it went, unsold.


The star of the show then stepped forward - the Lada. Or rather, the VAZ 2104. A left-hooker from Bulgaria, and as mentioned upthread, being sold by a well-known local shiter who isn't (yet) on the beige pages. He really ought to be, he's got three of these buggers.





Brisk bidding at first, but seemed to peter out at about the £825 mark. Lots of indecipherable gobbledegook was forthcoming from the speakers, the hammer was banged, the Lada reversed back into its former spot. We were none the wiser about whether it had sold or not. Probably not.

The Manky Midget, which seemed to be doubling up as an adventure playground for the more junior attendees, started but didn't move from its spot. I think the hammer fell at about £675 or so (please correct me if you know otherwise), and it vanished off on the back of a flatbed later, so that one probably did sell. it looked pretty crispy, but worth that in spares, for sure.




Darkness was settling as the last of the heaps went through; various barried Peugeots on slammed springs tapping out at £200, and a multitude of BMWs in varying states of decreptitude. Given Reverend Bluejeans' graphic accounts of just how comprehensively fucked a 14 year old Beemer can be, there was a lot of bravery apparent in the ring.


As the crowd started to drift away, Faker struck up a conversation with the brand-new owner of this Porsche Cayenne S; bought for £3250. I was horrified to realise that these yokes were now in their teenage years. In fairness, it looked not too bad. Six-pot calipers up front were a talking point; not sure I fancy DIYing them at present, mind. I also didn't ask why he was carrying a fuel can and spout.

I drifted over to the burger trailer to see if anything resembling a famed Cannock DETHBURGA appeared on their menu, but they'd already pulled the shutters down. Ah well. Possibly they'd received word that Environmental Health were close by.

Chuntery engines roared and baldy tyres kicked up gravel as new purchases were ragged out of the compound, and either hauled up onto various trailers and low-loaders or just disappeared off into the Antrim night, one tail light glowing. Suddenly, we three were all but alone in the gloaming.

Being still peak holiday season, it seems that the auction was only about half its usual size, both in terms of cars and buyers.

But! Plans are afoot to make this a semi-regular thing, so y'know... it really is very close to Belfast International Airport. And the Port of Larne. Just sayin', like.


Catch you next time!


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So, just to get things in everyone's diary... how about another jaunt for Wednesday 5 September, same time, same place?


Can move a few weeks either side as needed to suit folks' schedules; it's just to have summat to aim towards.


I'm game - anyone else??

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What a cracking write up and you've remembered far more than I did. I'm surprised the Lada didn't have the usual Sold As Seen (SAS) in the screen. Does this mean that it came with the one hour gearbox and engine warranty? 


I think that little MG Midget went for £475 although even £675 was a steal as the cheapest one I can find on Car and Classic is £1800. 


There was also a couple of cheap Binis, including a 2006 with 56K-ish miles for a whisker over £1K. 


There was a dearth of big engined saloons; certainly no Benzs nor Jags. 


The 5th September sounds jolly good to me. Perhaps Faker can bring the trailer again, but fill it this time? 

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Just as a casual reminder, like... Ballyclare Auctions then, next Wednesday evening?


Any and all local shiters welcome; I gather we've a few new faces piloting some top-notch shite, so would be great to see some of this mouthwatering chod in the metal!


Comprehensive directions to the Shed of Dreams are as per the first post in the thread - luckily it's not that hard to find, and only a coupla miles from the M2 Junction 5 turnoff, onto the A57.


I'm aiming to be there nearer to 7 this time; Autoshite t-shirt will once again be worn to aid recognition!


With the long summer evenings now on the wane, and autumnal breezes sighing through the russet leaves and berry-laden branches, there's bound to be a few people surveying their noble steeds and muttering "fuck me sideways, I don't much fancy my chances with this yoke over the winter".


So with any luck, there'll be more than a few dire, malfunctioning heaps at which to chuckle heartily /come home with (delete as appropriate).


Anyone fancy it??

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Anyone at all?




Would next week mebbe suit folk better - that's Wednesday 12 September?


I can appreciate that for those trying to deal with kids back to school etc, this week might be a bit busy - and mention of pissing off for an evening to gawp at hopeless old sheds in a shed might not earn many Brownie Points...


I'm easy either way - in fact, next week might work a bit better, as hopefully I'll have my own shed fully assembled by then, and so can skip along with a clear conscience.


Thoughts, opinions and obscene drawings all welcome!

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