Event For Chod & Ulster: Local Auctions for Local People (Nordie Shiter Events)

[Maurice Marina]

We opted to let the charges of attempted homicide lie on file.

 

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What actually is that?

[Datsuncog]

On 1/17/2019 at 8:56 PM, Maurice Marina said:

What actually is that?

It's the remains of that pinnacle of Ulster gastronomy, the cheesy chip, with a squeeze of something that called itself 'baconnaise'. Yeah. I know. I should have taken pics before whaling into it.

It wasn't really all that nice, but I can confirm it was less green in reality than the weird lights make it look.

4/10 - next time, McDonalds drive-thru would provide just as awful an experience for less cash.

[R9UKE]

I allowed £150 for the purple Modus in p/ex, the electric power steering wasn't working and apparently the columns are coded to each car, so you have to buy a new one.  Needless to say I was over the moon with £220.

 

Excellent write up as always!   The Hyundai Coupe near the beginning reminded me of being in The States as a ten year old and my parents had one.  Only there it was called the Hyundai "Tiburon".  Always loved the front on them.

[The_Equalizer]

I allowed £150 for the purple Modus in p/ex, the electric power steering wasn't working and apparently the columns are coded to each car, so you have to buy a new one.  Needless to say I was over the moon with £220.

 

Excellent write up as always!   The Hyundai Coupe near the beginning reminded me of being in The States as a ten year old and my parents had one.  Only there it was called the Hyundai "Tiburon".  Always loved the front on them.

 

Sounds like the purple thing worked out well for you. Datsuncog and I had a bit of a chitchat about the Hyundai when it went through, saying pretty much what you have. We will find you one day and I would love to know more about the 'inner workings' of Ballyclare. To me it just seems like a total punt; full of dealer stock that no one’s is interested in hence the very low prices on many things. That said, there did not appear to be the same number of obviously sha66ed cars this Wednesday and a few look quite acceptable.

[Datsuncog]

And now, back to our programme.

Inside the hall, things were getting kinda twitchy. The place was full of wise guys, weirdos and beatniks, each of them eyeing us up. 

Despite our rigorous attention to detail, it seems the classic Crombie coats were a giveaway. Have these punks never heard of classic style?

A cold chill shot through me. I noticed that the plum spot beside the auctioneer booth was empty.

By rights, the crustiest shed in the whole auction should be sat there, dropping rustflakes. But tonight - nothing but some old chairs, carpet and light fittings. Did they know we were coming? Were they laughing at us? I had my suspicions.

Meanwhile, the old nails kept on rolling through. They were cheap. And they were nasty. I turned my special G-issue spycam on so I could document the depths of depravity into which the human heart can sink.

 

I'll need to have a word with Mac in supplies, because the camera really isn't very good.

This bit of fancy French fluff saw the hammer fall at £250.

Mazda 6, crunchy as New England snow, shuffled out the door at £190.

£350 saw this Mercedes fade into the night with a new owner.

And still they came, boom boom boom. One after the other. This Mondeo hit £190, and topped out.

A frankly astonishing £180 took this Audi A3, even though it was purple as a baboon's ass. These things weren't reaching much over scrap prices.

Another Mondeo, with a crease on the front n/s wing, made £260.

This sporty Fiat managed £325. Still chicken feed.

And then the Big Enchilada entered the ring. A fully loaded Toureg W10. Things just got very interesting.

But just then, I felt a tug on my sleeve. I looked around. One of the auction goons was right beside me; another was opening the door to a small office. They were inviting me inside, and they weren't going to take no for an answer.

[TO BE CONTINUED!!!]

[R9UKE]

Talk about a cliffhanger!! 

[barmatt]

Holy crap balls, the suspense is killing me. What happened?

[Datsuncog]

With my compadres unaware of what was happening, I couldn't risk the whole shebang by pulling out my badge in the middle of this hive. I'd have to play along, and hope I didn't need to reach for my piece if things turned nasty.

I stepped into the office, with a goofy grin pasted across my chops. Inside, it smelled of cheap cigars and even cheaper cologne.

The first goon closed the door and turned to me.

"So, wise guy, coupla regulars tell me you're taking some souvenir pictures, and it's making 'em feel kinda twitchy. Wanna tell me why?"

I decided to play it dumb, and see where that got me. I scanned the office. If worst came to absolute worst, I could break a chair across his mug and wriggle out through the skylight. I flashed him my best country-hick grin.

"G-gee mister, I didn't mean to do nuthin' wrong - I was just takin' some pictures of them there cars."

"Oh yeah? So you're big into old Mondeos, hey? Do ya think I came up the Lagan in a bubble? What are ya, cops? IRS? FBI?"

"N-no, sir, I just like to take pictures of old cars. I - er - kinda take an interest in older models going through the auction..."

He looked me up and down. I didn't know if he was buying it or not.

I ploughed on.

"I-I just take pictures, sir, I like to see what they sell for, especially the older ones. I like to just... look at them."

I decided to keep schtum about Autoshite.com, for the time being. True, I was being lightly boiled - but I was no stool pigeon. The goon looked me in the eye again.

"Just pictures, huh? Just the cars?"

I nodded. He narrowed his eyes.

"Not pictures of the punters, hey? Cos some of these fellas, they know the taxman's a busy guy, they don't like to bother him. You get me?"

"N-no, I don't want anyone in the pictures, just the cars... I make sure to crop'em out..."

I could feel his eyes boring into mine. I shifted on one foot and drew my coat back a little, the better to reach for my piece if this whole deal went six ways to Sunday. Finally, he spoke.

"Well, okay. But you oughta know, your card's been marked. You get me? I'm just letting you know. Kapish?"

I nodded. He'd bought it. The second goon opened the office door, and the smell of diesel and frying burgers hit me like the taste of freedom as I stepped outside. But I knew I had to be careful.

The Toureg W10 was long gone, and I tried not to show I was rattled as I rejoined The_Equalizer by the booth.

It had been a close one, but I knew I had a job to finish - and I wasn't going to back out now.

[Datsuncog]

Back in the ring, things were cooling down. The sub-£200 feeding frenzy had passed while I was getting grilled like a hot cheese sandwich, and even if they weren't selling, these latest yo-yos were reaching the bigger bucks.

Or maybe... the real cheapie chod had escaped out the back door while the hired goons put the squeeze on me. Either way, it looked like we were on a busted flush.

[The_Equalizer]

This is too much. I should just wait until the box set is out and view it in one go.

[Datsuncog]

Yeah, Netflix is now looking to option this; just waiting for my people to hear back from their people...

(Normal service will resume shortly)

[chaseracer]

(Normal service will resume shortly)

 

[chaseracer]

What time do these things kick off?  The EZY from Brum gets into Aldergrove at 1830hrs...

[The_Equalizer]

It started at 19:30 last week and went on for the best part of two hours. Just enough time for frostbite to set in your extremities and you to get from Aldergrove for a bit of entertainment. 

[Datsuncog]

FINALE!

But yet, just as we were about to call it a night and head back to the office, what should roll through the door...

£250 for a crumpled Focus.

And we were back in the game.

A two-litre diesel, this Citroen peaked at £375 - though didn't reach reserve.

£310 for a Ford Ka. It looked alright - on the side without the fuel filler...

A Spanish hoodlum peaked at £380.

A plain-Jane Transit Connect scored a monkey. £500.

Unloved Pisshat - £400.

Slightly more loved Pisshat - £825.

£1400 for this Bini.

Better than expected money on a Clio of this age - £470.

R9UKE's Flying Purple People Eater came next:

Not bad - £220 despite the steering rack woes. Someone was going to be wobbling home later.

A Mondeo saloon took my interest - normally a tired 2.0 TDi's about as welcome as a cat in a birdhouse, BUT this one came with a new clutch and flywheel just fitted.

The hammer fell at £330.

 

 Along with someone's heart, as it promptly stopped and wouldn't start again. Luckily, the quack stepped in and gave it a jolt o' juice to get it outta the ring.

 Something a little more raunchy came next - a Volkswagen Phaeton, in V6 flavour.

Bidding hit £2450. Lotta car.

 

 Its little sister made £425, meanwhile.

 

 Mercedes C-class Kompressor, in Avant Garde trim, didn't make reserve at £320 - but, after a phonecall and some sweet-talking, who knows?

 

 £1450 was the top bid for this Bini drop-top. Auctioneer didn't look too hopeful for this phonecall. But hey.

£700 was the highest anyone was willing to go for this little Smart bubble. Another phonecall. What more can I say? I can only give you the facts. Just the facts.

Anyone who came here looking for some trouble sure might have found it in this. Alfa GT; £625's worth of heartache.

£675 for a Kangoo van. I couldn't help but feel bidding was brisker than before on these.

Full bag of sand for this BMW 1-Series: £1000 straight.

Cheap old bus - £400 took this Avensis Verso.

Another daddywagon - £675 for a Kia Sedona.

The auctioneer was through with timewasting; at £450, the hammer dropped and this fraulein was gone.

Second GT of the night; this one tapped out a mere £285. One for the telephone.

More Fords, and still more Fords: £390 for this...

And a £210 peak bid or this. The auctioneer wasn't sure. Out it went.

We were dog-weary, and frostbitten with the icy Antrim wind, but we were determined to see this out to the end. Besides, the Boss had his eye on something that just wouldn't budge down the line.

Someone hadn't even bothered wasting a bucket of water and a rag on this snotty-nosed punk of a Punto. £370 was the very best it could manage.

Baby Suzuki hit the ceiling at £330, despite 30k on the clock and an alibi to back it up. One for the nice lady on the phone to chase up.

The last stragglers musta been feeling pretty punch-drunk; this 2.0 Nissan Primera was fully loaded with the top spec satnav, and power everything, but still couldn't manage to crack £180.

Finally, the car the Boss had been waiting for - Toyota Yaris 1.5 T-Sport.

It quickly rose to £375, which was just too much for an unknown quantity. It wasn't coming back to the office with us tonight. Actually, since it had to be pushed out of the ring as well, maybe it wasn't going anywhere tonight - or any other night.

A C3 hit £600, but no further. Phonecall.

And the very last car of the night: a BMW 3-series Compact.

My camera was as weary as I felt; and no bids beyond £300 for this one.

We were done.

Out in the yard, a cold wind blew. We were shaken by the sights, smells and tastes of the night's despicable activities - but we'd had a job to do, a sworn and sacred duty, to solemnly witness chod in all its forms, however ugly. And we'd done our darndest.

Of course, I didn't get 'em all. A few cars passed through while I was getting the heavy treatment, while others were too blurry or I didn't catch the final price. The big Toureg sold for £1700, they tell me, while this Chevrolet Cruze made not much more than a few hundred - but I forget.

And spare a thought for this poor sap, whose Vectra SRi Elite didn't even make it out of the yard before it popped itself. It's a dirty world.

Some ya win, some ya lose.

The three of us went our separate ways, along the cold, wet streets of Ballyclare. I had to head back anyhow, and get this all typed up for the report.

Maybe it'd go somewhere, maybe it wouldn't. A job like this, it gets under your skin and you can't help but slug it out, day after day, with hopeless old rusty chod. But that's the chance you take when you're with...

The story you have just heard is true. The names, but not the locations, were changed.

Stay tuned for more Shitenet next month!

[lesapandre]

Those Alfas seem absurdly cheap. I remember those new - they were really rated. 

[Datsuncog]

On 1/24/2019 at 4:37 PM, lesapandre said:

Those Alfas seem absurdly cheap. I remember those new - they were really rated. 

Indeed, my dad had one new (lease jobber through his work at the time) - a red 1.9 JTD, with biscuit leather interior. It could shift pretty well and was surprisingly good at swallowing luggage with the seat down - there were things I couldn't get into my Mk6 Escort that fitted into the Alfa.

BUT he was back at the main dealer at least every other month for one reason or another - windows that jammed, indicator bulbs blowing, odd vibrations, and the wiper arms rubbing against the back edge of the bonnet and taking the paint off (case of TADTS, apparently).

He loved it, but was glad he hadn't bought one for cash monies. It was up to the lease company to sort the problems out, and there were many.

A few years ago, a friend was offered a pale blue one and asked for my advice.

As tactfully as possible, I recommended he decline. He didn't - and I believe he came to regret that decision...

As a garden ornament, though, they have no equal!

[Datsuncog]

[i should probably point out, for the sake of absolute clarity, that at no point did an employee of Ballyclare Auctions threaten me. Entertainment and a degree of artistic licence are the main drivers of the above account.

However, it is true that I was invited to accompany one of the auctioneers into an office, via an unexpected tug on the sleeve, wherein I was informed that complaints had been received from other auction-goers about my taking photographs, and I was asked what my purpose was for doing so.

I probably just came across as a bit of a ninny, as I could only grin stupidly and say that I was just taking them for my own amusement; I like old cars and I come here to see what's interesting and what they sell for. I didn't mention Autoshite, as I couldn't work out if that'd be a good or bad thing.

I showed him some of the pictures, indicating that the shots were low and cropped to get the people out of the frame as much as possible, and that the phone on my camera really isn't up to much. I reassured him that I was here for pleasure, not for work - and even if I was here for some sort of spying activity, on either cars or punters, I really wasn't being very subtle about it, was I?

The auctioneer was, in fairness, very nice, and just advised that he personally didn't mind me taking photos - but clearly others didn't feel the same way, and had made it known that they were uncomfortable with my doing so. He didn't go into any details about why that might be. He just wanted to let me know that my "card had been marked".

I blame my exquisitely tailored Crombie overcoat. There was never any bother when I was wearing my old oilstained Australian army parka... even though the parka cost me rather more than the Crombie (both picked up from second-hand shops).

I was far from the only person there with their phone out taking pictures of the cars going through the ring - plenty of others were doing the same, and one lad was in fact livestreaming the entire auction from his phone, with lively commentary in Polish. So I think mebbe The_Equalizer and I must have just looked a bit too 'Men from the Ministry' for the liking of people beside the ring who, ahem, may have some reason, the nature of which I will not speculate upon, to believe that they might somehow be of potential interest to the authorities.

Next time - dress to fit in. I actually had my trilby with me in the car, but decided to leave it there since mebbe it looked just a teensy bit too extra. Ballyclare, it appears, doesn't really do irony. Okay then. Lesson learned.]

[Datsuncog]

Okay then, since I've been advised that my "card has been marked" by the proprietors of Ballyclare Auctions for taking pics of their delectable sheds a-wheezing and a-creaking through the ring (their assumption seems to be that only Trading Standards, HMRC and/or Interpol could possibly have even a passing interest in their weapons-grade shite), I reckon it might be advisable to take a little break from my enthusiastic auction snappage for a week or two. So! What better than an evening spent with fellow Shiters enjoying some genteel conversation and the finest* wines* known to humanity?

Of course, it has to be a shite venue.

NI Shiter's Social Evening: Wednesday 30 January, 7.30pm - Brewers Fayre, Rogers Quay, Carrickfergus BT38 8BE

https://www.brewersf...rickfergus.html

 

I appreciate that this doesn't look too good on me, picking a venue rather close to where I live, but hey - I'm a creature of habit and we can always pick somewhere else next time, yeah?

For those that don't know it, the Brewers Fayre is located near Carrick Castle, facing out onto the harbour - you can park in the Premier Inn carpark (which abuts it) or, if you'd sooner not get lost in the maze of little roads opposite Sainsburys, you may also leave your chariot in the main Castle Carpark and mosey on down the harbour walkway past The Swift on the corner.

Why Brewers Fayre?

It's not really all that nice, nor is it particularly cheap, but it is pleasingly anodyne (unlike a few other places in Carrick, and I'm not sure I want their brand of slightly stabby 'excitement'), while being big enough that you don't feel like you have to drink up and get out to free up a table (which is where establishments like Creed, which are lovely but small and busy, tend to fall down). From observation, staff do not care if you sit there all night. Plus unlimited hot beverage refills.

So yeah; I'm planning on being there from 7.30pm onward; so c'mon down, bring some photo albums, grab a coffee (or a pint) and let's have a bitta craic to drive the cold winter away.

Let me know if you fancy it!

[The_Equalizer]

I am off to raid Ballyclare having garnered sufficient evidence to nail every dodgy car dealer in a 50 mile radius. Failing that I wil be at Carrick for 19:30 for 'world of refills' - there is a train at 19:05 from the 'Abbey.

[Datsuncog]

Righto, folks - bit of a frosty one this morning with a dash of snow possible later, but I'm still planning on staking out a table at Brewers Fayre later tonight. Come one, come all, etc.

 

Hopefully see some of yis later on!

[Faker]

Keep you posted. Weather not great and I've a bit to travel. Hopefully weather holds out

[Tadhg Tiogar]

Ballyclare, where a grand is the impossible dream for most.... Maybe they could introduce a roffle system?

[hairnet]

[The_Equalizer]

Provide Translink do the dutiful at 19:05 at Whiteabbey then I will be there.

[Datsuncog]

Well, just to finish this chapter off - a great wee night was had; good to put a few more faces to names, and swap a few shite-related tales.

Brilliant to finally get around a (large, corner) table with They_All_Do_That_Sir and Joebai, to share some misery-tales of XMs with holed sills and snapped belts. Also a treat to ponder ideal Merc specifications with The_Equalizer, and of course find out what motorsport lovelies have been coming to Faker's attention this week...

Laughs were had, politics was lamented, and the absolute piss was ripped out of the Brewers Fayre free coffee refills policy.

Plus, some lucky souls left clutching a few Mk1 Mondeo catalogues and a sheaf of old 2000AD comics... who could ask for more?

Cheers everyone for trekking out on such a cold oul night; here's hoping we can make a semi-regular occasion of it - mebbe a different night of the week, in case that suits some of the other Northern Shiteists? Plus there's auctions too, obviously...

[Datsuncog]

So then, we're zipping through the 2019 calendar rightly, already... anyone up for another Ulster jolly at all?

Was thinking maybe sometime next week (11 March onwards), depending upon interest and availability of Shiters hailing from around these parts.

An auction event (Wilsons in Mallusk is on Tuesdays and Thursdays; Ballyclare remains on Wednesdays) may well be on the cards; though equally a social meet-up might work again, should the carbon monoxide levels in tin sheds provde more of a deterrent than a draw...

I'm easy (aye, well you knew that), and happy to go with a group consensus on What Shite-Minded Folk Might Like To Do On A Windy March Night.

Hit me with your thoughts!

[hairnet]

I'll be in the wee north a week on Tuesday but near coleraine

 

Don't think a dash to mallusk would work

[The_Equalizer]

Always keen for a jolly so count me in and don't really mind where we go. I do like Ballyclare, mainly because you cannot get anymore Autoshite than there. Does anyone else want to stand round watching tat being palmed off to an unsuspecting new owner? If the cars do not tempt then chips from the van surely will - here is Datsuncog's photo of these delights:

 

[Datsuncog]

Right then kids,

Thinking that maybe Wednesday 20 March might be clement for a spot of NI auction tomfoolery? Ballyclare Auctions, as before... 7pm... be there, or be - well, somewhere warmer, presumably.

Since my photography skillz have attracted unwelcome attentions from some of the regulars, it appears that I may need to pull out the ol' sketchbook and do things the traditional way, court-artist style...

(Apologies, I'm no Vulgalour.)

Out of interest, does anyone else ever use the site calendar function? Just curious.

http://autoshite.com/calendar/event/59-ni-shiter-auction-meet-up-ballyclare/