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Jim Bell

Zafira A. *fuk this car*

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My dad could fix anything.


Nobody could fix him.


He passed away late on my girlfriends birthday and left behind a great hole. And some cars, a few motorbikes and about 3 metric tons of junk.


The fleet, though meagre, had to be disposed of.


Two cars today, then other things later. We are taking it slow. Two things at a time.



So, early this morning I packed up the missus, chose an appropriate vehicle for the task and set off for Northumberland.


Hang on. Including the car we are driving, that will make three in total to return. We may need some assistance.



The sun is up, the air is crisp, I've already had a poo so we are ready to head off.


Time: 09:36

Direction: West.

Speed: Slow

Poo count: Singular.






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We headed west and skirted through Gateshead and over into Newcastle. Traffic was a bit shit so we trundled steadily and discussed current events and politics. This somehow caused a great cramping of the guts which quickly melted into a ferocious need to evacuate my bowels. I had to stop the car and run around like an angry goose looking desperately for a public shithouse.


I found one.






Follows is my Trip Advisor review:


I found the public conveniences located in the Grainger Town multi storey car park most convenient. The environment was light and airy, the door lock snapped shut with a reassuring CLACK and I did enjoy the smell of exhaust fumes and the sound of passing vehicles while I made mess at some length. The tap water was hot, the handsoap was effective and the hand dryer though loud, was effective. The whole experience was marred only by the quality of the tissue paper, which yielded to my digit far too readily for my liking. The smell, though atrocious, was to be expected and mostly of my own making.


3.5 stars. Would poop again.




All the unpleasantness concluded, we were back on the road.



Time: 10:16.

Direction: West.

Speed: Hammer down.

Starsign: Sagitarius

Poop count: Duo.

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An absolutely shit time. Disposing of things after a loved one has gone - I have found it hard to reconcile that items I have disposed of have actually belonged to someone I loved. However we could not get rid of my in laws granada.


Thinking of you.

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Within minutes we were literally gannin alang the Scotwood rurd (but not to see the Blaydon Races). We swung down into a posh Business Park with flags and that at the sides of the roads.


A new player has entered the game.  Please press L1 to continue:








Now we have enough people. Now we are a team.


The missus is knitting.



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Three Suzuki TCs. All requiring various levels of restoration.  Projects all. He became lightly obsessed with them.


Nice! Thankfully I haven't a licence.


However, by this point, I'm at PC: 2 - Pre-bath, and post-arrival-at-work

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I forgot to take any pics on the way up into the wilds, so you'll just ave to use imaginations for this bit.


When we arrived, we went straight to BEREAVEMENT VEHICLE NUMBER 1.


You may remember it from such previous threads as this one here:






Loserone had a quick look round it.







Examination revealed that the car was not without its faults, but may do a decent job for the time being for him. Duck tape was employed where appropriate.  Air was PUMPED RIGHT UP in tyres and the interior condensation was wiped away mostly effectively.


It barked into life on the first twist of the key and idled away happily.  It laughs in the face of lay ups (see previous thread).



After a quick test drive, hands were shaken and off they went.












See you in 40 mins when you come back because we forgot your bag and coat were still in the Mondeo!!!!!!


























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After the success of Car number one, we moved on to Car number 2.


Gaze upon it and say to yourself softly: all vauxhalls are shit.







Thats right.



Its a people carrier. Kind of.



Speed: stopped dead.

Direction: none.

Regrets: Ive had a few.

Fuel: Duel.

Poo count: steady as she goes.

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Here are some more pictures of a Vauxhall Zafira, interspersed with some scenery shots from the ride home.  Just to help level out everyones blood pressure.  I dont want everyone getting too excited.
















































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Impressions are that it drives alright,  I woudnt expect it to be great, but its definately alright.

The 1.8 16v blazzes it along with a lazy fizz and it feels a bit less that its 123 brake horses.  Probably because its a lard arse.

Its comfortable enough, highly practical and with the LPG it'll be economical to live with.


Id probably be reasonably happy if I hadnt found out that it overheats in traffic on the return run while I was stuck at the road works at Heworth roundabout.

I caught it in time and got the heater on full, which thankfully brought the temp straight down again but somethings obviously not right.


When I got home, the dog laid an egg.








Speed: Stopped

Direction: Home.

Tea: Pizza.

Poo Count: 3 including the dog.

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Those wipers look the same as on the B, which are a twat to setup if you have to take them off. 1 spline translates to a cm difference at the blades, and then they bind up when you test it.


And that's about all I can add to this, apart from being a closet Zafira A admirer... Had another poo yet?

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