fotorabia Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 Early morn here in sunny Edinburgh-Portobello..going for breakfast supplies..seeing a Porsche Boxster with KNOB written in the dew on its rump...sums it up.. mercrocker 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
richardmorris Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 I'm sure you've all seen these before, but since it's Easter Sunday feel able to resurrect them... The REAL meaning of the Haynes instructionsHaynes: Rotate anticlockwise.Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?Haynes: Should remove easily.Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with a hammer.Haynes: This is a snug fit.Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.Haynes: This is a tight fit.Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.Haynes: Pry...Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...Haynes: Undo...Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (industrial size).Haynes: Ease ...Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...Haynes: Retain tiny spring...Translation: "Crikey what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.Haynes: Lightly...Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".Haynes: Weekly checks...Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!Haynes: Routine maintenance...Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?Haynes: Two spanner rating.Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.Haynes: Four spanner rating.Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company.Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!Haynes: Compress...Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath.Haynes: Inspect...Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!Haynes: Carefully...Translation: You are about to cut yourself!Haynes: Retaining nut...Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.Haynes: Get an assistant...Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.Translation: But you swear in different places.Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...Translation: Snap off...Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!Haynes: Everyday toolkitTranslation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile PhoneHaynes: Apply moderate heat...Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.Haynes: Apply moderate heat...Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.Haynes: IndexTranslation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain spanner or length of bicycle chain.Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.Haynes: Grease well before refitting.Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid. Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.Haynes: See illustration for detailsTranslation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model. HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADEHAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE spanner: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls in about the time it takes you to say, "F...."HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front wing.EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper- and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact spanner that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off.PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short. Engineering Terms* A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIEDWe are still pissing in the wind.* EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEMWe just hired three kids fresh out of college.* CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATIONWe know who to blame.* MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGHIt works OK, but looks very hitech.* CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSUREDWe are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.* PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVEThe darn thing blew up when we threw the switch* TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYINGWe are so surprised that the stupid thing works.* THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONEDThe only person who understood the thing quit.* ALL NEWParts not interchangeable with the previous design.* RUGGEDToo damn heavy to lift!* LIGHTWEIGHTLighter than RUGGED.* YEARS OF DEVELOPMENTOne finally worked.* LOW MAINTENANCEImpossible to fix if broken Skizzer, JohnDeere, saucedoctor and 2 others 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cavcraft Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 Those Kias just look like better and better value for money as time rolls on. They seem quite highly rated too, reckon you've done well getting one of those. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trigger Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 I really want a new shape Kia Cee'd as my next daily. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trigger Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 I got this book for my birthday the other day, I have to say it's bloody excellent, wonderfully written by the cars owners and beautifully photographed. My misses only paid £5 for it with postage of eBay, I'd recommend it to anybody. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Timewaster Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 Are you in it Trig? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trigger Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 I'm not cool enough sadly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cort16 Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 I'm not cool enough sadly. This pic says otherwise Junkman, Mr Lobster, anonymous user and 13 others 16 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fordperv Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 Went to a car show today, spent time mooching around the autojumble and came away with a n.o.s Sierra clutch cable, 2 large reels of wire one red and one black and a pair of n.o.s inner sills for mk3/4 escort all for £20. Winner Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dollywobbler Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 Austin Allegro Vanden PLUS? That's not an ideal start... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trigger Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 I didn't even spot that! Someone didn't proof read it very well! It's wrote correctly everywhere else mind you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Lobster Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 I've got that book, its a nice read with some lovely cars in it too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ghosty Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 I didn't even spot that! Someone didn't proof read it very well! It's wrote correctly everywhere else mind you.Oh, the irony... Rusty_Rocket, drum and eddyramrod 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chaseracer Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 Because it was my birthday, and I had to work, I consoled myself by phoning up the Ken Bruce show to get on Popmaster, which was being looked after by Michael Ball while Ken is on holiday. Well, they accepted me and put me on first. I scored 21, most of it on my Bonus questions. Then the next bloke came on and look, he scored 21 too, we went to a tie-break which got Michael all excited. I lost on the tie-break, no shame there I think! So I get a T-shirt, which was the prize I really wanted anyway. Now bear in mind it's Easter week... it arrived today!That was YOU, Eddy??! Blimey, well done eddyramrod 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cavcraft Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 I got really really pissed yesterday and have made a pretty decent job of really annoying my future new boss. eddyramrod 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
willswitchengage Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 http://translate.google.com/?sl=de&tl=de&q=pv+zk+bschk+pv+zk+pv+bschk+zk+pv+zk+bschk+pv+zk+pv+bschk+zk+bschk+pv+bschk+bschk+pv+kkkkkkkkkk+bschk# Click the link then press the speaker icon in the box on the left Gerald, KruJoe, inconsistant and 5 others 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Station Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 Great seeing all the old French chod in Paris, but there is NOTHING to do here. I was only here a couple of months ago and there was nothing much here last time. dugong 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mercrocker Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 Easter summary......First complete weekend 4 day Easter weekend off since 1998 (really...) Friday - Got Damper Van ready for the summer, tidied up interior, cleaned piss-pot, cooker, installed new water piping, hoovered out and re-secured bed, tidied up all lockers and compartmented out the buddy seat which has pissed me off for 4 years or more. Saturday - Got Cowley running properly for the first time since I bought it 3 years ago and cracked my first 70mph in it up motorway, then celebrated by meeting up with old mate and seeing a blues band in a boozer over town who we used to go and see every Friday 25 years ago. Followed up with ham, egg and chips in the pub next door. Priceless. Sunday - drove the 190E down to Shepton Mallet for the flea market and found a Siku Granny Estate I had been yearning for, came home took missus to the local club for a few jars and a sing-along country music night, won a tenner on the fruity too! Tomorrow - No plans for definite but will involve driving the Cowley and sitting out back with a few bottles afterwards.....Perfick. chaseracer, eddyramrod, catsinthewelder and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andy18s Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 Managed to pick up 4 tyres for the Iveco from EgayGuy was selling his Sprinter spares as he'd sold his van 6 months ago,which is when he bought the tyres newall 4 for £49Happy days......... eddyramrod 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sudsprint Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Seeing the Beetle/bride RTA quote on 'Ebay bargains' reminded me of a true story about my friend Kevin. Years ago Kevin was driving home from work in his old Sierra when he rounded a bend and hit full on an old boy riding a moped. Old boy is launched into the air. When Kevin gets to him his leg is sickeningly folded back under his body. Kevin nearly faints at the sight but the old boy says he is quite okay as he pulls his artificial leg back into place and ultimately carries on his way. Cavcraft, Banger Kenny, mercrocker and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
inconsistant Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 From a What Car? I found in the loft yesterday... Junkman, Timewaster, Banger Kenny and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spike60 Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 From a What Car? I found in the loft yesterday... IMG_2543.JPGHard to say which have survived in the best numbers, none are that common anymore. the survival rate amongst upmarket cars seems better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vulgalour Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 This stoved in** pick-up truck. I have no idea how this could have happened. **sadly, someone beat me to that particularly punch, but it's worth recycling. drum and inconsistant 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Livered Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Hard to say which have survived in the best numbers, none are that common anymore. the survival rate amongst upmarket cars seems better.Sad to say, probably Golf/Polo? Or maybe Mini? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cavcraft Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 The cooker is clearly undamaged. Someone's just placed it on to that vehicle to make it look like it fell on top of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tayne Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Well done for cooker observation, Cav-saviour. However i'm taking marks off for failing to notice that it isn't a pick-up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pillock Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Hard to say which have survived in the best numbers, none are that common anymore. the survival rate amongst upmarket cars seems better.Interesting to see there's only two German cars, both outside the top ten. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gary_davidson Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 I'm bored so I'm looking at things like this on youtube apparently the car lasted 12 years on the road Date of Liability 01 07 2000 Date of First Registration 22 02 1988 Year of Manufacture 1988 Cylinder Capacity (cc) 1598cc COâ‚‚ Emissions Not Available Fuel Type PETROL Export Marker N Vehicle Status Unlicensed Vehicle Colour SILVER Vehicle Type Approval Not Available eddyramrod and KruJoe 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gary_davidson Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 sexism, yes please Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michiel Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Found some old photos (https://www.flickr.com/photos/michielverburgh/sets/72157644221395643 for all 25 photos) I took as a 13-year old at a car show, I guess I was a bit of a shiter already...two shots of the F40 and all the Ferraris on the stand, but a Favorit 136 L as well! Can't remember why I wanted to 'waste' a photo on that one. Skoda Favorit 136 L by Michiel V, on Flickr rml2345 and saucedoctor 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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