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Wombles Wheels - Picasso - Its F*cking F*cked M8

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Bugger - fuck - shit - piss and wank. :-(


My telegraph pole gate post leapt out at me this morning during a thunderous downpour as I backed the Almera back into its spot....



Bumper now out of line and crazed paintwork, also a small chip taken out of the filler panel under the lights.

What a fooking nob I am.

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Getting my mojo back on two wheels now and starting to fling this around a bit more.

Today saw the fitting of a £5 Givi top box courtesy of Bay and the removal of the seat bump/backrest which made me feel I was sitting too far forward, I can now park my arse a few inches further back and its more comfortable for me.

Next job is to fit an additional 12v socket under the seat for phone charging, though I may fit a USB socket to the dash panel for powering shat nav / phone / camera or other things. Ive added a Datatag to it as well. I dont know how much of a deterrent they are but the stickers look groovy. I need to remove the Saltare stickers at some point but no rush.


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Mother Womble is once again making noises about changing her car - at least she seems a bit more receptive this time to looking at something other than a Polo, so in a couple of weeks Im off work and I will be spending the week with her booking test drives and looking at small sub £10K hatch backs

The current shopping list is:















My personal favourites are the Panda, i10 and Picanto, Im also going to try and get her to drive a badermatic as I think she will enjoy one if she gets behind the wheel.

This leaves me with the "do I buy the Polo" scenario again - Im not sure I want to now I have the Almera if Im honest, I quite like the Almera, though the Polo does have heated leather, which would be uBer lovely in Winter time.

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all those but limit 7k - 10k on summat that small is insane


werent altos on offer for 5995??


or if snob like my mum :lol: buy a pixo :D


i still have that 12v - remind me.........

Yeah, they dont do the Alto any more - the smallest thing Suzuki do now is the Cerlery.


I did wonder about trying her out in a Sandero whilst we were down the Preston Motor Village but she is a badge snob, she also wants new rather than pre owned.

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No, I wondered about the Slushmatic option and getting a "nearly new" - I mean she's on about me P/X ing the Almera for whatever she buys and then taking the VW, which I know would be a bargain but if Im honest I really quite like the Almera and its giffertasticness, though it would be nice to own dads old car and keep the Werther's in the ashtray (which are still there from when he died 6 years back). But if she P/Xed the Polo she would get more money to play with for another car. This is likely to be Mother Wombles last car, she is 68 and wants the car to last her 10 years (hence why she wants new, though I might be able to twist her arm with the nearly new option) she isnt the worlds most confident driver - learned in a 4 speed and despite the 5 speed box on the Polo, only uses 1-4 :/ - so she thinks by the time she is 78 she will either be a) dead or b.) giving up driving and taking the bus or taxi everywhere.


I like that Panda (above) I mean I really like Pandas anyway and TBH think that for most people they are all the car they ever need for 99% of the time.


Ive emailed her some stuff to be looking at and Im going to start booking test drives with the dealers next week.

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First eVah FTP today that hasnt been the result of either a Bub moment into something large and solid or something major going clank ( like the Fiesta that grenaded on the M55 one Monday morning and shed its bottom end all up the middle lane).


5.30 left work

5.35 arrive at car

5.35 and 20 seconds realise that its not my plip key that has packed up the car has no electricity.

Had lots of electricity this morning, now has none. I'll get the jump leads out of the boot....Oh hang on, no I wont as the boot and all the doors except the passenger door are deadlocked. I could climb over the front seats, drop the back seat down then try climbing into the boot, but at 20 st in weight I fear my next phone call will be to the fire brigade if I try this.

5.40 phone Auto Aid - get told a recovery truck will be with me inside an hour - YAY.

5.50 check main fuses for something to do.

6.30 put wooly hat on and gloves, listen to Wonderful Life by Black on my phone.

7.00 Auto Aid phone me to ask how the recovery is going, tell them no one has arrived yet. They tell me recovery wagon stuck in traffic and will be another 40 minutes.

7.15 Bollocks drop off, three monkeys seen legging it over the car park.

7.30 Discover Dr. Who sound and light TARDIS in the back footwell  - that entertains me for five minutes.


7.50 Auto Aid phone me again, I tell them still no show. They get in touch with recovery chap and he says ETA 8.10

8.15 Recovery truck pulls up at car park barrier and I let him in.

8.20 Battery diagnosed as "Dead as a can of spam"

8.30 Car fires up with an electricity transplant from Iveco van. Alternator chugging out 14.4v


Verdict - battery (which looks OEM) shagged and probably didnt take kindly to having heated rear window and air con as well as Radio 4 going this morning.

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Took the Burgervan for a spirited (!) jaunt down the M6 this evening on the way back from Preston hospital after collecting this:



This is the cheaper version of Picolax, which is the Mother, Father and Baby Bear of all laxatives - this is in preparation for a two hour colonoscopy on Friday  so tomorrow I stop eating at 12 mid day, take this at 7pm and the toilet roll is already in the refrigerator waiting.

I have a selection of reading material and will make sure my tablet is charged up - the downstairs bog has been declared out of bounds from 2 minuted past 7pm tomorrow.


Im a nurse by trade and know that this stuff can be vicious ive given it patients in the past and had to follow them down the ward with a mop as their arses turn into a human honey wagon of supreme proportions, all so the colorectal surgeon has a clear view of my guts.


For anyone who has never read the "Picolax Thread" before I suggest having a read - it will make you grin.


Anyway - Burgman did very well on the M6 today. Looking at the Fiat Doblo for the eventual C8 replacement and Mother Womble has ordered a Viva. OMG orl vovhaulz are shit shocker.





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Sat very happily at 65 with 20 stones worth of me on top of it ( and thats after losing 5 stones at Slimming World since last September) so I was quite happy tucked behind the larger stuff in the inside lane. Got batted about a bit when I went over the river by the wind, but aside from that all was well in Wombles world.

Currently looking at rank outsiders of the VW Caddy Maxi-Life ( which sounds like a sanitary product), does anyone have anything useful to say in relation to the VAG 1.4TSi donkey?

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Cars - Stuff all really. Fitted a comedy "race tow strap" to the back end of the Almera as a point to lash the canoe to when its on the roof, and have this mad idea about trying to raise the suspension slightly, still at the "what if I do this" stage at the moment.


C8 - well, its getting a bit French now in the electrickery department - the 28th March saw its 10th Birthday and it promptly shat itself with the rear offside door requiring much [email protected] about with removal of the trim and cleaning of the motor contacts, then lubing everything in site then finally bypassing the anti pinch mechanism so that in theory it will now try and chop your arm off, but will at least close.

Annoyingly a reply from Citroen indicates that the Bingo Multispazz is only available with the HDi as a 7 seater - the idea of a "special order" is alien to them - what? A petrol? with 7 seats? Noooo, it cant be done - the world will come to a rather abrupt end.

Fiat are proving even more impossible to get an answer out of than Citroen. Ford (Toureno Connect) and VW (Caddy Life) also similarly awkward, but the Caddy does come with the Pez option - however on Tiff's advice i have googled the 1.4TSi and there does seem to be one or two issues with it.

Arse - keep with the C8 for the time being then.


Bum -



Well what can I say, this possibly ranks amongst the three most unpleasant experiences of my life right up there with having blisters peeled off my whistle and flute in Preston Royal whilst every student nurse in the hospital watched and having root canal treatment without any novocaine.

So - Thursday - I ate the final meal of a condemed man, knowing I would be unable to have anything other than clear fluids for the next 24 hours and then finished work - at 7pm I reconstituted sachet A with Sachet B and a litre of water and drank - OMFG - it felt like 3-in 1 oil and tasted just as good - Three full glasses of this I had to neck, so bollocks to the drinking slowly over an hour I jsut necked the lot and tried not to barf.

Well I waited and waited and nothing happend... I waited a bit more and still nothing happened then at 11pm the world flopped out of my arse and continued to do so until 12,45am....

I got to a point where I thought that there was nothing else possibly left to shit and went to bed, arse stinging and glowing like a cherry.


3am I woke thinking, thats a bit damp to discover that I had sharted in my sleep. Then I shat a bit more (in the bog this time).


7am I was woken by one Mk1 pissed off wife who I had woken up at 1am coming to bed and again at 3am and then she supposedly hadnt got back to sleep again whereas I was doing an impression of a stunned asthmatic warthog in my sleep. I was supposed to have drunk all my morning dose of Moviprep by 7am so showered quickly, applied some vaseline to my ringpiece and went downstairs to be met by Sachet A and Sachet B, sniggering at me.

I decided to add some orange cordial into the mix to see if it made it more palatable - no is the answer, no it didnt.
Imagine drinking Swarfega Orange and that was what it felt and tasted like. This time it started to work almost straight away and I was greeted with ever lighter shades of watery poo.


11am - I sneezed and needed another change of pants. Fuxake - I havent been like this since I was 18 months old.


1pm - I arrive at my designated time at the Endoscopy suite, somehow I have an ear worm of the Waterboys "Whole of the Moon" going around in my head. I make several more trips ( rather noisy) to the toilet rather inconveniently situated next to the waiting room so everyone now knows that Im there for a hosepipe up the ase session.


2pm, I finally get called into the suite and go through my consent - to whit "Colonoscopy +/- Biopsies and +/- Polypectomies" Amusingly the consent form states that I will let them know of any loose dental work - I ask "how fucking far are you going with this thing????" I have opted to use entonox only rather than fentanyl and midazolam as I dont want to be off my tits.


Then.... I get to strip to the waist ( bottom half) and get issued with a pair of enormous paper pantaloons with an amusing flap in the back. I walk to the theatre trolley and pass a HUGE dog turd mountain of lubricating jelly perched on top of the tray where the 'scope lies. The chap who has the lovely job of dealing with my back end introduces himself, asks me to lie on my left and then applies lubricant which has clearly been kept just above absolute zero to my chocolate starfish - then the screen which has up to this point been showing some sort of 60's lava lamp style bubbly image suddenly shows the room and my arse crack comes into view nearer and nearer - two thoughts strike me

1) My arse is incredibly hairy

2) I have a spot on my right arse cheek


Then - the screen goes momentarily black and my eyes nearly pop out as the scope is pushed into my brown eye showing me the inside of my ( now squeaky clean) rectum.... TBC



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So, as a medical nursey type person I know that the correct position is o my lrft with knees drawn up to my ears - that may have been so for about 10 minutes and possibly 2 feet but then I had to adopt a range of positions, on my right, on my back with nurse pushing belly, on my left again, then on all fours with arse in the air and bollocks swaying in the breeze.


As anyone who has had these will be aware in order to see your bowel properly they inflate you with air - a metric shiload to about 40PSi , this is uncomfortable to say the least, but worryingly when they draw the scope back and it fizzles out of your arse you cant help feeling that you are shitting yourself and your arse plays musical tunes - well, something resembling Freaks by Timmy Trumpet if Timmy was a bronchial elephant playing a squashed trombone. Im no stranger to anal beads, but this was on another level entirely.


Anyay, an hour, a whole hour of my life I lay this way and that way watching the TV screen and occasionally getting a little spaces out on the Entonox when it got too uncomfortable. before he decided to take twelve ( count em) biopsies and then lasso two polyps he had spied. Oddly it didnt seem to hurt taking the biopsies but by christ on a moped I felt battered and bruised the next day, and the next and the next....


When all this was over and they had pulled the last of the scope out of my arse I was wheeled into the recovery lounge where I said to the nice nurse that I absolutely had to go to the bog, she ummed and ahhed a bit thinking I was likely to be groggy but I assured her that I had just had the gas and lied that I not had a whiff of it for 10 minutes or so, I swung my legs off the bed and stood up - sadly my pressurised bowels decided to test my ring of fire and  my sphincter just wasnt man enough to withhold the pressurised liquid shit now residing in my gut - I stood and squirted a jet of white hot feeling yellow shite over the bed and up the curtain. I apologised and John Inmaned to the toilet where for 10 full minutes a cacophony of sound and the remnants of shite were fire off down the pan. I hadn't ever thought it was possible to fart for ten whole minutes but I managed it. Later I had heard that people in Iceland thought that a volcano had gone up again. 

I returned to my bed to discover that the sheet had been changed but the curtains still bore the yellow stains, though someone had wiped the worst of the shite off - I had a mouthful of coffee and the BANG was off to the bog again playing the broken elephantrombone. 

Eventually they discharged me and Mrs Womble drove me hoe as my belly was still engorged and the most comfortable position was led flat.

I spent the evening making frequent trips to the bog as each and every voracious trump was accompanied by a little present.


Hopefully I'll get the results in a week or two ad it wont be anything too serious. Dont let my  experiences put you off if your doctor says you need a scope, get one done - the nurses have seen it all before, yes, its not pleasant but Im sure its a damn site less pleasant for the bloke shoving the telescope up your  bum dealing with the arisings from within and if it means that something potentially life threatening is discovered early on then its worth having it done.




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Thinking of buying this:-



Ideally I want another bike (of the motorised variety) or scooterped to stash at the caravan for trips into the village ( 5 miles away) for the odd bread, milk, paper or beer run but its getting to that time of year again where even utter shit heap 50cc bikes are going for a few hundred quid whereas this death trap can be had for the price of a night out.

Yes I know its not legal to use the 50cc engine on the road - so I would only use it **cough** on the huge hill at the caravan site where my van lives....



Put something in the region of 500 miles on the Bumflan since I got it and this week managed to twat the flap that covers the fuel cap off whilst filling with pez. Its currently under the seat until I can refit it - but here it is en route to Lancaster from Preston stopped for a butty stop near Cabus.

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