Confessions Corner? Forgive me Father for I can haz sins.

[Des]

What about some soul cleansing by owning up to our wrongdoings, acts of stupidity, maliciousness, etc.

No need to sit in a dark cubicle having every salacious detail of pulling yourself off slowly drawn out, come clean here and let everyone else judge you.

 

My latest, returned to van parked up in Harrow Weald, faffed about with a phone charger for a moment then went to pull off and found van had no drive, WTF? Tried reverse, went through all the gears, nothing, start trying to figure out whats happened, no noises to give me a clue and the clutch feels normal, so I jump out and nip round the back where the mechanicals are to look underneath and immediately find the problem, the engine isn't running, the heater fan was mind and makes a fairly similar sound / vibration.

[messerschmitt owner]

Last night I blew up the slow puncture on the van and went out to it this morning to discover a flat battery, key in the ignition, with ignition on.

 

Had to kickstart the XM estate and connect two sets of jump leads to reach the bean can so I could get it jumped.

 

Once when taking the Messerschmitt for an MoT, I stopped it and couldn't get it to drive again - no power and gutless when trying to take off - silly me had left it in third when I stopped and hadn't realised.

[Asimo]

Trying to get my Mk.1 Audi 80 onto axle stands on my sloping drive.

Being very cautious, get out to check front wheels are on stands properly.

Needs to go forward a few inches.

Auto! no need to get back in. Reach in and operate the throttle by hand. Error.

Audi lurches forward uncontrollably and front wheels roll over end of stands.

Stands crunch into sills making horrible dents.

Audi is nose heavy and stands are behind centre of gravity so it pitches forward with tail in the air.

I havn't got a proper jack.......

[Negative Creep]

Soon after passing my test I had a Corsa hire car that wouldn't go in to reverse and left me repeatedly stalling as I tried to get out of a space. After a few minutes I worked out what that collar under the gearknob did.....

 

I also once made a Barryboy special Citroen AX 1.0 with M3 mirrors, viper stripes, sunstrip and massive exhaust

[Sudsprint]

A long long time ago I tested my minimal mechanical skills to the limit by buying a replacement engine from a breakers for my 128 3P.

 

I did it all, I took over my Dad's garage, hired in a hoist and spent days off work studiously following the Haynes manual.

 

All done. Success.

 

To my disbelief though the engine barely fired up before dying in a stench of oil.

 

Quite why I thought they had drained the engine of oil still escapes me but I can report that the extra 4.4 litres I had carefully added wasn't a good idea.

[anonymous user]

Years ago I lived within walking distance of work (the adjacent street, you couldn't get much closer) so I used to walk to work. I did have to make site visits occasionally, so used to walk home to get the car, but generally park in work when I returned. I would usually then forget to take the car home; once I managed to leave two in the car park for days, it was only when thinking that the one that should have been in the garage had been stolen that I realised where they were.

 

Also lost one in a multi-storey, I was late and in a hurry, hurtled around the car-park to find a space without paying much attention. found a space and when walking away noted the 5 on the wall. When I went back I walked all around floor 5 but couldn't find the car, until I realised that all floors had a 5 painted on the wall as a speed limit; I did find the car, but, it took a while.

[chaseracer]

I also once made a Barryboy special Citroen AX 1.0 with M3 mirrors, viper stripes, sunstrip and massive exhaust

Ego te non absolvo...

 

[DVee8]

A couple of years ago just after buying our new Nissan X-trail we were going on holiday with our friends,flying from Manchester airport,now the weather driving to the airport was bad.

Pulling in to the terminal parking and finding 2 bays close,now i always reverse park but on this occasion i just pulled in,cases out everything off or so i thought car locked and checked.

After a nice 10 days away we landed back at 2am in the pissing rain 4 adults and 5 young children,walking to the car fob in hand it won't open try and try again,no go.Right it has a emergency key strip the fob down get in to the car.

Why won't it start?

It has auto lights, the light stalk has side lights then head lights then auto lights.I had had the lights on auto switched them back to side lights thinking them off locked the car and gone.

3  adults looking for some help walking around the parking,my mates wife goes to security.Out comes an K reg Fiesta 1.6d van.We had to push a big 4x4 out of its parking space due to i had driven in dohh. Jump leads on it fired straight up.

The 150 mile ride home recharged everything.My mate his wife and my wife  still don't let me forget this when using this car.

[Pete-M]

Many moons ago I had a mini 1275 GT With a leaky radiator. Unfortunately someone previous to me had rounded off every single radiator bolt to the point where the radiator may as well have been welded in. It wasn't going to shift and said mini was only worth about £75 anyway.

 

So I'd top up the radiator every morning and hope it would make it through the day. Tried all sorts in a vain effort to somehow fix it but as there was a hole around 2" in diameter going right through the rad it wasn't gonna help. As the rad was filled it would pour out through the gaping chasm and straight back onto the road. This was beyond any bodge. I'd tried eggs, bars leaks, body filler and all the other things you can think of when you're 18 and want to play out in your (broken) car. Poor little mini (HPB115N) was thrashed until it heat seized night after night. Had to wait 20 mins when it locked up solid then get as much water as possible into the radiator and hope that once the steam had cleared the engine would start. Somewhat surprisingly it did always fire up again And it rarely sounded much worse that it had before. It just sounded like a rattling A series.

 

Eventually the time came where it really was time to move it on. Still couldn't shift the rad bolts so the fan shroud was loosened and a 2" block of wood was araldited into the radiator hole (after carefully aralditing all the fucked rad fins to block them up) and the fan shroud replaced. It made it to the auctions where some poor sod paid £250 for it.

 

This isn't as bad as it could have been. In the late 60s my dad bought an Aston DB4 which was suffering from a strangely uneven idle. Couldn't sort it so ended up removing the cylinder head to see if there was anything to explain the problem. The issue was easy to spot. One of the pistons was beautifully made from hardwood. It had the correct piston rings and the original gudgeon pin, but a wooden piston. After pricing up the genuine piston the Aston was reassembled and sent off to the auction house.

[laser wheels]

Soon after passing my test I had a Corsa hire car that wouldn't go in to reverse and left me repeatedly stalling as I tried to get out of a space. After a few minutes I worked out what that collar under the gearknob did.....

 

I also once made a Barryboy special Citroen AX 1.0 with M3 mirrors, viper stripes, sunstrip and massive exhaust

 

I had a similar experience with my MK2 Jetta just after I passed my test. I couldn't for the life of me get into reverse the first time I took it out. I could see the 'R' on the gear knob - left and up, easy - but I just couldn't engage. Meanwhile the wall just kept getting closer, and closer ...

[Caffiend]

A stupid from me.

 

As I'm mechanically challenged (just don't have the experience and sometimes the physical strength to do a lot of stuff) I decided in 2006 or thereabouts that it wouldn't be sensible to buy a BX, which I really really really wanted (I'd had two in the past), because they were getting a bit long in the teeth and unreliable.

 

So I bought a 2001 Xsara (old shape, not a Picarseo or I really would be taking this secret to my grave), which promptly had OMGHGF failure a week later. As it wasn't overheating at that point, just kept topping it up and drove it round for about another year (those HDI engines were quite forgiving like that) until I did have to make frequent stops and let it cool down before it cooked, then paid an eyewatering amount of money to get that fixed. Then I was made redundant and was too scared to flog the Xsara, which at least was a known quantity, for a BX that wouldn't be. After several months and by now being in dire financial straits, I took a minimum wage temp job. Luckily this was within walking distance from home, as the fucking Xsara decided to drop a driveshaft. Had to get it done as soon as the first week's pay came in so I could get to interviews for permanent jobs.

 

Finally, I was in a position to afford to buy a BX like I really really wanted and be able to spend some money getting it straight if required and a month or so after that, the Xsara's injectors failed. Fuck that, thought I, and weighed it in.

 

To be fair, I have spent a lot of money on my beloved TZD. Done over 32,000 miles in 2 years though and apart from welding (they all do that sir) it's been fair wear and tear stuff, and I've had SO much more fun out of it than I ever did out of the Xsara.

 

Ironically, I saw a tidy looking early Xsara in a proper shite metallic earwax colour recently (mine was boring navy) and was quite tempted ...

[M'coli]

After I'd written-off my old boy's Cortina Crusader estate, he bought a £120 Renault 12 in gold with 6 weeks MOT from Graham Square Auctions in Glasgow (TX I think - weber twin-choke and rev counter) as a stop-gap.  This allowed us to get mobile again and the replacement, an 87 Passat estate from the auctions at Thornliebank, was bought mid-February with no MOT or tax - it MOT'd no problem, but it was so close to March that he opted to tax it from the start of March.

 

Thus very late in February he was at a Dahlia Society meeting on evening in Glasgow, near Byres Road roughly 20 miles from home: the petrol tank sender wire came loose, shorted out, and took most of the wiring loom with it, so no lights, no indicators, but ignition and brake lights etc. thus it was drivable in daylight but not in the dark.  As he wasn't a member of a breakdown service, he came home by train and as I was at Glasgow Uni at the time, I got the job of driving it home the next day.  This I did so without drama, the Renault was parked up on the drive and the Passat took over duties.  I was then given the job of getting the Renault going again by fitting a scrapyard loom to it.

 

So, out to Easton's at Gartocharn to where we'd sent my grandfather's metallic green Renault 12 the year before (JSM299P, it was rotten and we weren't to know that I'd wrap the Cortina) and I removed the wiring from that, and swapped it into the gold one.  Turn the key, and nothing.  Check the battery, and there's power, so it must be the wrong loom - so take it back to Easton's and try another - same result, not a sausage, no lights when you turn the key, no horn, not even the interior light.

 

I got out, looked at the wiring going to the battery - 2 thick ones, those being the starter motor feed and the earth, and a thinner one - and thought, "I wonder if the thinner one should be on the positive terminal, rather on the negative...?" swapped it over and the car started no problems!

[Jim Bell]

Sins?

 

Have you ever noticed that B&Q carpet adhesive aerosols look very much like Easystart aerosols?

Well neither did I. But they do. And should never be stored in the same plastic bag in a car boot.

 

I sprayed high strength glue directly into the carb of a cranking A-series.

 

And thets when I stopped trying to help.

[ruffgeezer]

I also once made a Barryboy special Citroen AX 1.0 with M3 mirrors, viper stripes, sunstrip and massive exhaust

 

Isn't the internet a bastard?

 

[Rusty Pelican]

Dived in my old Commer years ago for a 50 mile each way drive to Poole , It had a fault where the keys could be removed from the ignition but it still kept running , handy for sticking crap in the back when youve fired it up and forgot to unlock the back , anyway i drove off quite happily and got to Dorchester where i thought it best to get some motion lotion , pull in went to turn it off only to find no keys which were ---- on the kitchen table .

[brickwall]

Gluttony and sloth over here.

[Pillock]

Once promised a VW fan I knew from a mailing list (those were the things before forums, kids) that his beloved 1975 VW 1200 would go to a good home; he'd emigrated, his parents wanted their driveway back, it needed a bit of a tidy but was going for FREE as long as it would be loved.

 

Took one look at the rusty piece of crap with it's leaky carb, holey floor, mouldy seats, smashed-in wings and rotten gutter and had it carted off to the local VW specialist who confirmed that it needed somewhere between a lottery win and a miracle to make it good. I donated the nice wooden steering wheel and anything else he could salvage to him for his time and trailer and the rest got squished. 

 

I changed my email address and left the group before Mr Aussie asked how his lovely little beetle was getting on.

[RichardMoss]

Hell - where to start?   Just one for now: 

 

I remember spending half an hour trying to start my automatic Scimitar SE6 and ultimately deciding that it was faulty wiring to the starter solenoid (cooked by the exhaust manifold).  So I decided to start it by using a jump lead from the battery direct to the solenoid - and THAT was when I discovered that I'd left it in "R"everse rather than "P"ark, and the transmission safety switch was just doing its job! Luckily it was parked with its arse facing up a hill and it ran out of momentum pretty quickly.

[ruffgeezer]

I have owned somewhere in the region of 30 Citroen Axs.

[phil_lihp]

^ That's not a confession, that's just excellent taste in cars.

 

Talking of AXs, back in my teenage years I decided to try and solve the severe pinking in my 1.0 AX by pouring some Redex down the plug holes as recommended on the bottle.  I spun the engine over to eject it after a few minutes but did not, however, ensure that it was all out.  Reinserted the spark plugs, started the car and got a loud backfire followed by catastrophic amounts of blue and white smoke once it warmed up.  Turned out that the remaining Redex had exited via the easiest route which was the already fragile headgasket.  Once repaired it no longer pinked so I call success on that one.

 

I may also have posted on here recently asking for advice about severe wheel wobble after a brake pad change and it may have been because I did not tighten up the bolts on one wheel.  Possibly.

[Sloth in a bowl]

We were due to head up to Inverness (from Birmingham) in the Uno and I had replaced the sparks the day before.

 

So we start the journey and very soon the car is running rough, got to the M6 and top speed goes down to 45mph and a prayer.

Finally we crawl to Hilton Park services, where I stop the car and swear at the world.

 

Because I have no tools with me I phone the AA and get them to send a man, then 5 minutes later the light bulb goes on and I check that the leads are properly on the spark plugs,

I then had to phone the AA and stop their man. The car ran perfectly up to Inverness and back.

[explosive-cabbage]

The ONE thing that really, REALLY rattles my cage is drivers who give way to wildlife on the roads.

 

The other day I was following a new Ford 4x4 SUV down to town, 40 yards back, constant 45-50 mph. Fair enough, just fast enough to not piss me off. Next thing I know, on a bad corner, car slams on its brakes without warning and drops down to 10mph. Two wild ducks are seen flying off from in from of the car. WHAT THE FUCK? Im not really an angry person or a animal killer but why risk getting rear-ended for the sake of 2 ducks?

 

My sister had her car written off a couple years ago because some tosspot tourist in front slammed on the brakes to avoid a pheasant, just over the brow of a humpback

bridge.

 

A couple weeks ago I was driving home from work in the dark, and a car was coming the other way at the same time. A couple ducks were lounging in a big puddle, right in the middle of the road. I knocked a bit of speed off and hit the horn with a long blast and luckily, though the duck was watching the other car, took off and avoided us both without injury. I did not take 'evasive action' or swerve, nor did I put the other motorist in danger, but the ducks reacted, and I feel like I helped them live. I think that is a common sense approach.

 

I was recently driving the same road in the day on my own, ducks in the same puddle in the middle of the road. I lifted off the throttle, hit the horn. One duck took off, one met its maker.

Is that fair? I gave it a good chance.

Did it put anybody in danger through bad driving practice? No, I don't think so.

 

So why do people drive like wankers when faced with simple decisions about risking their vehicle, or risking the life of a wild animal?

 

Someone please clear this up for me, a self-confessed duck killer.

[Jim Bell]

I swerve to endanger wildlife.

Even if it means putting my passenger and oncoming traffic at risk, even on a blind corner over a humpback bridge.

 

Theres no excuse for animals. They deserve to die and then to go into my tummy.

[Partridge]

I once drew a cock on a door.

[explosive-cabbage]

Barry, are you Karl Pilkinton?

Or are you that guy off YouTube?

Im convinced you are bald for some reason!

[explosive-cabbage]

I know who you are!

You're Barry Shitpeas!

ICMFP

Is he real? Are you him? He talks a lot of shit.

[Negative Creep]

Isn't the internet a bastard?

 

 

 

That brings back memories, and I did have a lot of good ones with that car, even though it would have been far cheaper and simpler just to by a GT in the first place

[Asimo]

1987. Pagers are invented: this completely ruins my service engineer job.

No longer can I get up really early, be with the customer at 8 o'clock and have the rest of the day to myself. 

 

So I quit.  My lovely BX19 RD Estate is to be passed on to my replacement, a complete wanker who moans constantly about inheriting a Citroen diesel, "it's slow, it's French, it's slow...blah,blah, bloody blah.

 

This is the confession.

 

The night before I am to quit and hand back the car I get the tools out and carefully bend the accelerator pedal until nothing like full fuel is available. It drives quite normally but is REALLY down on power, will barely get to 70mph, ever.

 

Months later I hear that the silly sod is still moaning about how slow it is, but no one believes him.

[Felly Magic]

In the old Uno we had years ago, duddenly lost all lights and indicators on the A14, didn't even have any wipers either or horn, or 4 ways, this was on a 240 mile journey north to my folks I may add, mrs dials the AA as I limped the car off the A14 near Cambridge with bugger all electrics, bit of a panic was had, checking under the bonnet to see if it had shat a belt or summat, nope everything fine, I had a lightbulb moment too, fusebox is exposed in the footwell on the pass side, so wondered if the mrs had kicked it, lo and behold after a bit of wire giggling I hear the sound of a flasher relay come to life, tested all the electrics, bingo everything worked, hurriedly cancelled the AA, and told her to be less clumsy! 

[mat_the_cat]

Oh, where do I start?

 

 

Never angle grind near to a battery which you've left on charge...

 

A couple of years ago I was changing the handbrake cables on the BX (operating on the front wheels). Given where we live I tend to use logs as axle stands so had raised the suspension to maximum, slid the wood underneath and dropped the suspension to lower the rear and lift the front clear. As the cable had snapped on one side I put it in gear to lock the wheels in order to undo the wheel nuts.

Job done, I leant in through the window to start the engine and raise the suspension. For some reason I neglected to notice the front wheels rotating - until they contacted the ground and it started moving. This was followed by the possibly amusing sight of me chasing a driverless car down the track, dragging a couple of logs wedged underneath it. It didn't help that I must have locked the door whilst leaning in through the window, but I managed to stop it before it hit a fence.

 

Setting off on a motorbike journey with an unsolved ignition problem, and a dodgy battery was one of my more stupid ideas (I've had a few), but I figured out that once I'd got it started a few seconds of cutting out wouldn't be a problem so long as I was moving at the time. Only the problem deteriorated the further I got, and I ended up coasting to a halt.

To I took off the petrol tank to see if there were any visible wiring problems underneath. None found, so I popped the tank on, turned on the tap and rolled down the hill to try and start it. To my surprise it fired up straight away (it turned out later to be the ignition module breaking down when it got hot) so I continued on my way.

Until it started coughing as if the fuel was running out. So I switched the tap to reserve, but still nothing. Again I came to an unscheduled stop, and was aware of the strong smell of petrol. I'd only gone and forgotten to connect the sodding petrol hose, and I'd successfully drained the contents of my tank all the way along the road.

Fortunately it was only a mile or so walk to the nearest village, and fairly flat. But even so I barely had the energy to bump start it solo on the forecourt