Awful Accessories

[Timewaster]

As someone who worked in a car spares place for years, I've seen some indescribable tat meant in some way or another to improve* your car.

 

But these bloody things are the worst thing I've ever come across.

Just awful. I don't even like big fake eyelashes on women!

 

These aren't far behind.

Straight in the bin if I ever come across any.

 

And in the late 80's we sold thousands of these.

Because your Mk2 Cavalier really needs the "Turkish Taxi" look.

 

Gr3 for security.

Luckily this guy could find 3 square inches of metal to stick it to.

 

Gr2 for security.

Handy for knowing if it has started raining outside your house at 3am.

 

Gr1 for security.

Just why bother?

 

Whats that smell?

It sure aint Oranges.

 

Ever seen the film Seven?

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Why have once scent when you can have 11?

 

But the ultimate 80's ponger for me:

MMMMMM Piney.

 

Yet to be convinced these have any effect on anything.

Except maybe accelerating the rate at which the chrome flakes off your back bumper.

 

What are your favorite / worst add ons?

[greengartside]

Wow that Speedy Turtle air freshener takes me back - my dad had a blue one of those in his Allegro back in the early 90's, I used to annoy him by repeatedly taking it apart!

[ShiteRider]

Furry dice, love 'em! bought a pair when i got my first car (black with white spots if that matters) from motorworld in Ormskirk and have had the same ones hanging from the mirror of every daily since.
I also had tiger print seat covers in a capri, but only because the only taste i have is in my mouth.

Woo-hoo found a picci of "The dice", In my since departed black mk5 Cortina.

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[Partridge]

I don't mind false eyelashes on girls. A bird named Yasmin who works at the local Shell garage wears them *rubs trouser legs Vic Reeves style* (not so keen on men wearing falsies though, that's just tarty).

 

I remember those stupid bloody smiley faces which smelt like sick and came in packs of three for 99p (you pay them, that is), and Halfrauds went through a phase of giving them away when you spent over a certain ammount (probably because they were stinking the place out).

I've still got some of the feckers safely in their wrapping somehwere-probably still smiling, so I'll give them that.

[Partridge]

Wow that Speedy Turtle air freshener takes me back - my dad had a blue one of those in his Allegro back in the early 90's, I used to annoy him by repeatedly taking it apart!

You bastard.

[Lord Sterling]

This makes me larf....

 

Because your Mk2 Cavalier really needs the "Turkish Taxi" look

Because I recall something Ma_Sterling told me some time back. Years ago, Motherly_one gave some money to FATHA_Sterling to pay a gas bill, but instead, he went and spent the money buying one of those beaded seat covers for his Mk2 Cavalier.

 

I remember when Fatherly_one also took me to a car accessories shop one time when I was a tot as I remember him trying one of those those numberplate recess covers that looks like a rear light lenses for the Mk2 Cavalier, he never put it on his Cavalier for some reason, in fact I dont remember if he did actually buy it.

[fordperv]

Father fordperv had one of those moss alarms with the ultrasonic with flashing leds in his cortina. The neighbors moaned at him because of how sensitive it was, a knats fart would set them off

 

Iirc the instructions said to wire them to your headlights so they were a visual tell tale when the alarm was going off, always funny when a cat sets the alarm off early hours of the morning when not only are your neighbors peed off by the annoying siren your cars also lighting their house up as well

[warren t claim]

Anyone remember fur trimmed dashboards?

[UmBongo]

Annoying window stickers and things wot hang from da rear mirror like these...

 

 

So you want everyone to know you have a baby in the car but then cover your rear window with obstructive material?

 

Fuds!

 

[Split_Pin]

My dad was a big user of Feu Oranges in his Volvos and he also bought one of those rubber static strip things to clip to the rear valance. Didnt work at all, still got electric shocks when touching the door handle. I blame the shitty plastic shoes I wore!

 

Anyone remember those pieces of film you got for your headlights in the 90's? When you stuck them on it was supposed to make your car look like it has quad lamps, like Morettes or such like. Abominable. Guy at my work, actually named Kevin, had a metallic pink Escort MK4 van so-equipped.  I'm sure some people actually borrowed their mums coasters and used them to mask off their headlights and just spray paint round them to get a similar effect.

[greengartside]

You bastard.

Thing is that I kept it long after he sold the Allegro. Long gone by now though.

[rml2345]

I remember those speedy turtle ones!

 

 

For some reason I always hated the nodding dog. Probably because they're shit and made of fuzz covered plastic which is both tacky and nasty to the touch. We used to remove the head of the one on my dad's parcel shelf until the whole dog went missing one day. I hope it's dead and not hidden somewhere waiting to make a shit dog shaped appearance in one of his cars again. 

 

Oh, and those air fresheners you clip onto the air vents that come with a bottle of foul smelling liquid that's supposed to be clipped securely to the bottom but invariably falls off after every third bump and leaves little bits of the interior smelling intensely of that but manages not to make the rest of the car smell of anything.
Those are shit too. 

[Micrashed]

 

And those equally fucking awful "Splat" stickers

[mercrocker]

I must  confess to some atrocities myself.

 

Like the R4 van with Dixie air horns as well as a Phwerrrr Orange mind you the fucker  leaked like a laughing granny and smelt like one so that was justified.

My already metallic purple Mk1 Mini had a fur lined  interior with those great black padded seat covers that were supposed to  make you feel like Paddy Hopkirk but in reality felt like you were SAT on PH...

It also had a 48 inch whip aerial and those little rubber extensions on the switches that felt every so slightly sexually surgical....

I bestowed sheep shagger seat covers on an A35 as well as a walnut T Bar gear shift - WTF was that all about?   Can't remember.....

Graphic equaliser in a Simca 1100 - that worked well not

I still havent grown up - the campervan has  a wobbling Hawaiian lady with her keks  falling down, there are those aforementioned chrome peaks on the Moggie headlamps and little triangle seaside resort stickers in the back  window of  the Farina, together with a stick on silver heating element which actually does bloody work!   

I also still keep one of those big lanterns in the Moggie with a flashing Kojak light on top

Shite is shiter for it.....

[ShiteRider]

I've got a pair of some shitty 80's smoked headlight masks for a mk4/5 cortina, proper richard grant jobbies. Basically they look like someones chopped up the lid to a record player.

I also got this of "jake Bullet" of this parish, and can recommend him.

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[phil_lihp]

I confess that a particularly hideous sun bleached, moth-eaten nodding bulldog with disturbing red eyes had pride of place on the parcel shelf of my AX for 3 years.  I found it in a box last year and threw it out, alas as I think it would have added a certain something to the Rover.

 

What about those stupid 'Keep Your Distance' stickers which due to a bad choice of font and size can only be read when you have your face pressed against their bumper.  Ditto in fact for any sort of car sticker that doesn't say GB, seeing Powered By Fairydust stamped on the back of a rusty, decrepit Fiat Punto that hasn't been washed in 3 years doesn't make it any less grim.

[bub2006]

I can remember when I was a youngster a bloke on our street had a fat man on his parcel shelf what dropped his trousers.can also remember the fingers stuck on the bootlid like someone trying to escape.

[vulgalour]

In my defence, this particular item came with the car and I can't remove it and I've just sort of got used to it so it'd be weird if it weren't there now.

 

BMC rosettes are something I find particular hateful for no reason I'm aware of.  This one got binned promptly.

 

Aftermarket sound systems and parcel shelf speakers.  Terrible, but I kinda like em so I've kept them for that day when I can eventually figure out how to make the tape deck work again in some capacity.

 

 

Did this ever stop anyone?   All it did back in the day was make my Dad complain that all the scrapyard cars had etched glass and it would look stupid on his Datsun Sunny, Morris Ital, Peugeot 505 (all estates) or whatever other old hack he had at the time.

 

Double whammy here for you.  Halfords steering lock bar *and* furry dice without numbers on.

 

One in each front footwell.  Sorry (not sorry).

 

The previous owner didn't know about this, and neither did I until I was cleaning places I didn't really need to clean.

 

Me again with these.

 

Woeful, I know, but I like it.

 

This one I can at least blame on vandalism of the original aerial mast.  I spent ages finding this period replacement.

 

Okay, so maybe the grille badge doesn't need to be there... but the mirrors do.

 

In my defense, at least the grille badge I've fitted is tidier looking than what it came with.

 

Fine, so I'm guilty of stickers too.

 

I need these to protect my doors.  They don't actually protect my doors because the swage line comes out further than they do.

 

 

Now you see that pink tartan blanket is important and useful and probably structural.

 

 

No, I don't think I have a Problem, why do you ask?

[bub2006]

Predecessor to the nodding dog? The hand with finger up what wobbled about on a spring! Adorned rear window of my dads cars for years

[Spiny Norman]

I remember buying one of these yonks ago...

 

 

Rattled like fuck, opened by itself on a bumpy road and developed a 'droop' which would often cause the tapes to end up on the floor at random intervals. GR1 for road safety as I scrabbled about trying to stop Number of the Beast disappearing under the passenger seat while negotiating a roundabout.

[vulgalour]

@bub2006: The guy across the road used to have all the accessories of which you speak plus a plethora of stickers in the back window of his NHS green Reliant Rialto.  If I remember rightly, the fat man had a squeezy ball thing so the back seat passengers could make him drop his trousers... though since that was usually us kids we were under VERY STRICT instructions never, ever to squeeze the ball.  We invariably did.  Cheers, I'd forgotten how horrible being a back seat passenger in a Reliant Rialto with no opening rear windows was... them was the days.

[greengartside]

My dad really knew how to do shit car accessories. Aside from the Speedy Turtle, he also had Feu Oranges and one called 'Fjord' which clipped on to the sun visor and smelled of lavender and piss water. He also had those cheap Poundland parcel shelf dogs with the bolt in the end of the head which you could adjust for maximum nodding* - other great buys were stick-on sucker toys from Poundland. Mostly were Warner Brothers characters (when Space Jam was popular) and some crappy European 'BG Toys' figures. I literally could go on for hours. Sadly I have followed in his footsteps and I love the shit accessories that devalue my car, which I never thought was possible as it's worth 1p.

[greengartside]

 

 

What about those stupid 'Keep Your Distance' stickers which due to a bad choice of font and size can only be read when you have your face pressed against their bumper. 

Balls.

 

[Negative Creep]

Anyone remember those pieces of film you got for your headlights in the 90's? When you stuck them on it was supposed to make your car look like it has quad lamps, like Morettes or such like. Abominable. Guy at my work, actually named Kevin, had a metallic pink Escort MK4 van so-equipped.  I'm sure some people actually borrowed their mums coasters and used them to mask off their headlights and just spray paint round them to get a similar effect.

 

 

Or stretching a pair of tights over the rear lamps for that tinted effect

[vulgalour]

 

You can *just* make out on the corner of the bumper there's a wand with some green-yellow tape around the top 3" or so and a white ping-pong ball on the end of it.  Giffer parking aid.  I deliberately spent actual time removing this from that car purely so I could install it on one of mine.

 

Slightly clearer pic of it here just below the stainless steel trims to the left of the shot.

 

I'm sure it'll be of no practical use whatsoever, but I couldn't leave it to be binned by someone else who didn't see it's historical significance*.

[jakebullet]

Amusing* stickers. "Caution! Do not lower the windows of this vehicle at speeds over 140 mph". In my series 2 land rover. With sliding windows for extra fail.

[martybabes]

No mention of the stick-on series of "bullet holes" yet.  They were everywhere in my day.  And tiger tails.

[bub2006]

I had none of them on my robin vulgalour,only furry dice! Sorry for bringing up repressed memorys. Send me therapy bill.

[bub2006]

And yes he did have a squeezy ball to drop his keks but would have had too many double entendres here!

[Junkman]