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Autoshite lexicon

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I think 'Vanden Picnic tables' is also a real Autoshite specification level.


Plah, esp. 'Vanden Picnic tables

The proper, top-of-the-class, retractable and veneered 'picnic tables' fitted to the rear of the front seating.  Typically seen with a separate champagne flute placement.  Taken from coachbuilder and interior fitter Vanden Plas, mispronounced by commoners as if French; when Mr W. Plas was in fact Flemish and therefore it would be Plas after all.  Not that it matters when smoking about on the school run with children in the rear flapping the tables back and forth in your £750 Daimler XJ40 with a howling wheel-bearing.



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Could anyone furnish this helpful guide with a definition explaining the difference between a Two Bucket Wrong 'Un and a Two Bucket Right 'Un?


All I can divulge is it's something to do with cleaning and detailing.


Neither of which I'm terribly familiar with.

They are the same thing - just the opinion of the act that alters.


If you think 2 buckets (one for washing water, one for washmitt rinse) is an appropriate approach to detailing your car, then you're a 2 bucket right 'un.


If, however, you value your time driving a car rather than cleaning it, you could perceive the above noted activity to be carried out by a 2 bucket wrong 'un



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The Modern:


1. - The bland, non-descript new car you have for when you pride-and-joy in on axel stands in the garage because the radiator exploded on the M4, took out the steering rack and ended up in a hedge.


2. - The car you use when you nip down’ the scrapie to get a new radiator and steering rack for your pride-and-joy because you too skint for new parts as you are STILL paying of the modern YEARS after buying the bloody thing.

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  • 1 month later...

Just because I don't think it's on here, and it took me a while to work out exactly what the acronym stood for:


OLLI (Abbrev. 'One Life, Live It' - also OLLI Warrior)

  1. An unnecessarily large, impractical and thirsty 4x4 vehicle, esp. a Land Rover or Toyota product, which will frequently be kitted out with the biggest, knobbliest tyres its owner can acquire; bull bars; winch; jerry cans; sidesteps; snorkel air intake; random bits of chequerplate pop-riveted all over the show; and often a sticker (amongst many) in the rear window/on the tailmount spare wheel cover, advising fellow road users that they have ONE LIFE, LIVE IT! Toyotas may also wear a variant of this slogan: "One life, don't spend it fixing Land Rovers!".
  2. A person whose entire identity is built around their large and impractical 4x4 vehicle. This person may or may not also have a passing interest in firearms and crossbows, make frequent mention of "going off-grid in Wales when the shit hits the fan, yeah?", favour earth tones and camouflage patterns for their casual wardrobe, and constantly carry a frayed Eastpak rucksack which they refer to as their "bug-out bag, yeah?", containing mostly off-brand energy drinks, squashed blocks of Kendal Mint Cake and copies of Survivalist magazine. Despite appearances, these people generally live in urban areas, often with their parents, and have amassed a sizeable library of books about the SAS from branches of The Works.

OLLI vehicles may be sighted in Tesco car park while their owner stocks up on Rustlers Quarter Pounders and Dairylea Lunchables in preparation for the coming meltdown of society, or more frequently, up on axle stands in an attempt to fix yet another oil leak. Less commonly, they also may be spotted in the wild - sometimes hilariously suffering from some species of catastrophic mechanical failure in the carpark of a country park amidst dogwalkers' Fiestas and i10s.




Popular culture references: BBC2's The Fast Show featured characters Simon Bush (Charlie Higson) and Lyndsay Mottram (Paul Whitehouse) as 'The Off-Roaders' - who, along with their Land Rover Ninety 'The Beast' and bellowed catchphrase of "It's gripped! It's sorted! LET'S OFF-ROAD!" followed by some form of disaster, are believed to have popularised the OLLI stereotype.



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You've just described a mate of mine there. He can't look after himself but he's kitted up for the apocalypse.


I've another 'Because... Vauxhall...' Sticker. Usually affixed to a 57 plate Astra bought on subprime finance in such a manner that it affects vision on one side of the screen. Frequently seen with other shit trinkets like those bright red seat covers and Ripspeed gear nob covers.

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Saturday 28th April 2018 15:30 Stoke STAN WOODS 2018
Stan Woods Classic National Bangers Celebration 2018




Startrax Stockcar Racing
170 cars in 2017. 2018 is looking huge! Oldest 1927, entries from across Europe 



AS roving reporter is commonly Baron Junkman

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TBH = To Be Honest.

IMHO = In My Humble Opinion.

IMHE = In My Humble Experience.

XU = a range of petrol engines by Peugeot.

XUD = a range of diesel engines by Peugeot.

CAV = Lucas CAV diesel pump range, known to be not quite as good for vegetable oil pumping as the Bosch equivalent

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  • 2 weeks later...


90-Day *colour* : A car finished in an undesirable shade or colour. '90 day' refers to the traditional length of time a dealer is looking at the thing on his forecourt.



A re-posting of something already posted before.  A repeat post.


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Cunt Count, The: because there's fuck all swear filter on bastard Autoshite, we can say any shit we please. And because there's fuck all else to do between Xmas and New Year, JohnF (guid cunt) counts up the quantity of cunt expressed by board members (bunch o' wanks) in the previous twelve arsehole months. Anybody caught deliberately padding their cunt count (for instance, by entering it under 'Cunt Count, The: in the Lexicon) ought to be roundly pilloried. Cos they're an utter cunt.

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Good Luck With The Roffle.


Typically, a member's fine steed is surplus to requirements and available by roffling.  Change the O in that last word to letter A if not clear.  The PayPal Feds will get you if put the A in, you see.  They are watching.

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Have we had 'The Full Quentin/haircut' then? If not, it is the age old car dealer trick to make shit cars worth more, by winding the odometer back by several thousand miles, like a certain slimeball used car dealer/dodgy warranty salesman Count Quentula Willson was busted for more than once

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  • 7 months later...

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