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"Mind your Language" is of that era (and very un-PC by today's standards).  

 

A must for ASTV I would have thought.

 

..... set in a car maintenance evening class, the students have to repair 70's shite from their own country of origin without effin 'n' jeffin - Tonights episode, the Italian lothario is fighting a losing battle against the tin worm in his alfasud , big belly laughs & a string of pigeon English obscenities follow as his moustache gets singed during the weld-a-thon 

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New! This Autumn on ASTV,

 

Drama with 'Home and Away'. Each week a shiter is faced with two identical non MOTd project cars on eBay. Does he go for the easy option and go for the car in his home town?

 

Or does he go for the one 375 miles away armed only with a 2 litre pop bottle with water/antifreeze mix, a jumpstart pack with 50% charge left, a can of tyre weld and a £9 train ticket. 2500 shiters points and a pre booked MOT at a garage of the winners choice are up for grabs.

 

Also! Don't miss!

 

Man vs Chod

 

Former mechanic Adam Poorguy travels the UK looking for the top towns for spotting shite, sampling tasty dishes like J reg Proton with underseal jus, medium rare mk1 Mondeo with uncracked bumpers and the French fancy - 1.4 litres of Peugeot 405.

Adam's big shite challenges include VW heater channel welding by the roadside and twin SU balancing against the clock.

 

Only on ASTV. Oh, and on Dave in a year's time...

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Come whine with me

 

Over a week, 5 gobshites go round to each others house where they strip & rebuild a gearbox on the kitchen table - then after a chippy supper they all jump in the hot tub 

 

 

Shite In Their Eyes 

 

 

  Turn a bog spec model into the top of the range or sport version - "tonight Mathew my 1.1 popular will be an XR2 looky likey" 

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Cuntdown - The Cuntestants  make up rude words out of the selected Vowels & Consonants, then, in the maths round, they have to tot up the sums involved in running a shite car in such a way that you never spent more on the pile of shite than it is ever worth :oops:  obviously it will need a nice bit of crumpet who has a wardrobe malfunction every episode to host it  :wink:

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new to astv dales shitemarket sweep, this exciting game show is hosted by dale shite-poker it has 3 teams of 2 people and a clock that has a minute on it, they answer questions and riddles about shite and their component parts to try to add precious time to use in the shite sweep in which they run around the motorfactors collecting much needed n.o.s, discontinued parts, consumables and extra bonus points are awarded for essential bodge items collected, the team with the most obscure collection of parts wins  

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Chodwatch

Footage from the 1980s to the present day of police chases redubbed to bring interesting vehicles both in the chases and the background to the attention of the viewer.

 

Saints & Scroungers

Roger Moore drives around the UK in a Volvo seeking out the cheapest and most bargainous of vehicles without asking anyone to hold out their hand in a terrible mockney accent.  Roger's challenge this week is to find an old Ford in roadworthy condition for a reasonable price and to convince the elderly owner of a Morris Minor that it really is a deathtrap and that chicken wire is not structurally sound repair material.

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  • 6 months later...

Can’t park, won’t park:- Presented by Gary Wilmot and this week live from Sainsbury’s, Macclesfield, where we prowl the car park to capture people who are so thick, they can’t get their Renault Clio into a standard parking space

 

Shite in their eyes :- Presented by Ant or Dec and each week we ask a selection of untalented d-list lookalikes what car they would have bought, had they passed their test in 1979. The winner gets a 1993 Mitsubishi Gallant with a non-functioning electric sunroof

 

Mastershite:- a smug Frenchman and a mouthy bald prick poke fun at your pride and joy. Contains adult scenes.

 

Only shite & horses:- Join David Jason and Nicholas Lyndhurst as they attempt the Herculean task of buying every single Trotter-themed three wheeler ever offered on eBay.

 

Shite of a feather:- Hilarious sit com featuring three blokes whose wives have left them after they each bought a Citroën unseen off the internet.

 

Shitestation – a slightly bong-eyed lass from Preston with bad tattoos and wearing just a glittery thong attempts to change the turbo on a 1991 Saab

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Death in Paradise - In tonight's program Ben Miller-Cycle explores the scrapyards of the Caribbean

 

Bang goes the Tesla - The heat is rising as electric cars are tested to destruction in Death Valley

 

Britains got Trabant - The public gets to vote on the finest eastern European chod that the UKs driveways can offer.

 

The Apprentice - At Halfrauds, Mick 'Two Planks' Taylor goes off in the search for some tartan paint, then fixes the brakes on the local Lions Cub Minibus

 

Banged Up Abroad - Looking at UK drivers who crash on the continent, this week a Lions tour in the Alps ends in brake failure and tragedy

 

Car Booty - The Renault Megane (again)

 

Hootenanny - Jools Holland sneaks up on more pram pushers before letting loose 103db of Colonel Bogey

 

Horrible Histories - Ludicrous Leyland (warning: not suitable for children)

 

Horrible Histories - Veni Vidi VAG (warning: contains graphic scenes of extreme pineappleage )

 

 

 

That'll do for now

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The Price is Shite;

Everyday people selected at random from a studio audience have to guess the current cost of a set of 4 Fukkyamota spark plugs with matching condensya to the nearest 4 pence currently offered as a Buy it now (exchange rates pending) on Ebay International.

(Great grandson of Leslie Crowther may be available to host if he ever gets round to telling Stork from Butter)

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Coming soon, to ASTV,

 

Classic comedy-drama with Auf Wiedersehen, Twats!

Fed up of life in the UK, three scened-up VWs hop on a ferry to Germany in search of a better life, away from chopped coils, nitromors and roofracks. Featuring the great sing-along theme tune 'Back with stock springs again', sung by Joe Fagin. (well it better be, Mark Knopfler can FRO this time...)

 

And look out for the return of the high brow quiz show 'Call my Bluff', where Paddy McGuinness reads a panel of intelligent celebrities three eBay 'barn find' listings and the panel have to sift through the bullshit to determine which of the vehicles have actually been near a barn. This week's panel are Duncan from Blue, Joey Essex and Shakin' Stevens.

 

All this and more kwality programming this Spring on ASTV. Because you'd only be on Porntube otherwise...

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Tuesday 20:30 - The Great British Welding Bee:  DURATION: 1 HOUR

 

Claudia Winkleman welcomes the seven amateur mechanics as they return to the lock-up to "repair" cars with a slightly shitey flavour.

They face three challenges to test their ability to repair, replace and respray, starting with the bottom 6" of a Fiat X1/9. For the alteration challenge they are given a broken washing machine, Transit roof panel and, as always, a bottomless tin of P38. From these items (plus their choice of Ebay tat) they have to rustle up a fancy dress outfit in time for the dreaded magazine photoshoot.

Finally, they must repair a 1987 Cavalier using pattern panels. To their complete surprise, none of the panels fit!.

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Ultimate Shite:- Drama.  A crack team of internet ne’er-do wells in one piece black overalls identify the owner of a 1986 Citroën BX who is attempting to sell his car on Facebook

 

Shite under the hammer:- perma-tanned buffoon David Dickinson cackles like a fishwife as a series of blokes who should know better but choose to ignore reality bid on a J reg Proton with no working handbrake.

 

Can’t cope, wont cope:- Hard hitting documentary about mental illness and suicide attempts brought on following a lifetime of fault finding on Italian automotive electrical systems. Contains harrowing scenes

 

Shite on Mars:- Gritty cop drama involving s whole range of ‘70s cars that, with the benefit of rose tinted specs and a huge BBC mechanics budget, are seen to start first time, every time

 

Shitestation:- a chubby girl from Croydon with bad tattoos and wearing just a glittery thong attempts to change the turbo on a 1991 Saab

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Ultimate Shite:- Drama.  A crack team of internet ne’er-do wells in one piece black overalls identify the owner of a 1986 Citroën BX who is attempting to sell his car on Facebook

 

Shite under the hammer:- perma-tanned buffoon David Dickinson cackles like a fishwife as a series of blokes who should know better but choose to ignore reality bid on a J reg Proton with no working handbrake.

 

Can’t cope, wont cope:- Hard hitting documentary about mental illness and suicide attempts brought on following a lifetime of fault finding on Italian automotive electrical systems. Contains harrowing scenes

 

Shite on Mars:- Gritty cop drama involving s whole range of ‘70s cars that, with the benefit of rose tinted specs and a huge BBC mechanics budget, are seen to start first time, every time

 

Shitestation:- a chubby girl from Croydon with bad tattoos and wearing just a glittery thong attempts to change the turbo on a 1991 Saab

 

 

I note that the Saab is still knackered, however I preferred the Preston lass, she had prettier eyes and better norks.

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Shite, camera, action!- reality TV series with the Traffic division of Cumbria Police who, having been stripped of funding by the government, have resorted to selling the pursuit car footage to make ends meet. Hilarious scenes featuring an east-European immigrant driver of a Mk3 Astra with poor English skills and no valid UK licence getting accidently tasered in front of his 8year old daughter!

 

Britain’s got shite- Talent show, where a panel of Piers Morgan, Simon Cowell and a woman who once stripped naked on TV spend 40 seconds evaluating your car before criticising you, your family and career choices.

 

Sun, sea & shite. This week in Cyprus where an Irish girl you’ve never heard of and a welsh bloke with good abs and impossibly white teeth tour Kyrena and spunk up all over a rusty Austin 1100 with bald cross plies and a shagged-out A-series.

 

Have I got shite for you – topical news show where the panel are shown a series of clips from motoring-themed programmes and are expected to make witty comments about it. Team captains this week are Leepu and Vikki B/H.

 

Shitestation:- two blonde girls from Durham who look vaguely alike, with bad tattoos and wearing just glittery thongs attempt to change the turbo on a 1991 Saab

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  • 4 years later...

Shite Love Island.. Speaks for itself...

 

Big Brother..  Older brothers hand down their first cars to the unsuspecting sibling or relative..

 

Likely lads.. What ever happened to..... Cars we owned..

 

Morse... A programme based on the creaks and squeaks from our beloved chariots..

 

Newsquiz.. A look at the chod in your local home for the retied work horses..

 

Citizen Smith.. A programme based on what the 'Average' driver is trying to keep on the road..

 

Play for the day..  Salesmen sit and chat about the latest heap of rust they managed to pass on as 'Full service History'.. 

 

Lets resurrect a great thread....

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