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Autoshite TV

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10.00am: 'Cars Under The Spanner', features Martin and Lucy as they trawl auction houses and film 'lucky' buyers and their quest to renovate cars and try and make money on them. Episode one sees them buy a Ford Mondeo that explodes on the way home as someone has doctored the expansion tank.

 

11.00 am: 'Vogue Traders', features some fat, chirpy, know-it-all cockney twat who secretly films Range Rover sellers offering tax exempt log books, and Chester based Vauxhall apologists who doctor Mondeo expansion tanks.

 

13.00: 'Bargain C*nt' follows two teams of mingebags at a scrapyard. Who can pocket the most parts without paying then sell them on eBay for a profit?

 

04.00: (Tayne Tees TV) 'Shitescreen' featuring the Scottish National Anthem, several pictures of moving cars and small people jumping off dolls houses/crushing grapes.

 

15.30: 'Deal or No Deal', punters open boxes to find out what car they've bid on then attempt to contact the dealer who is actually running down the road throwing his sim card into the River Thames.

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Celebrity Cubes, like Celebrity Squares of yore, but with an added dimension for the 21st century. Clarkson will be quizmaster, and whoever gets the most points each week, gets to drop a piano/caravan/Warrior/ton of bricks on one of his cars, and cube the remains. It's only entertainment after all... :shock:

 

The Way We Were. Dead easy this one; half hour grainy B+W reels of High Streets,car parks, motorshows, trips to the seaside etc., from the 50's and 60's. Sponsored by Kleenex.

 

On The Buses. Reality TV of the worst sort: handycam footage of 'Shiters being forced to use public transport to get places, after various mechanical maladies render any or all vehicles in their possession unusable.

 

Shite Touring Cars. Pick a vintage year from BTCC, say '93. Then stage a race for cars which were eligible then, but were bought for no more than £250. 20 lap race, with bonus points for finishing the 1st and 10th laps. And finding a '93 Mondeo with intact bumpers.

 

Further to You've Been A-Framed; surely the £250 should go to the entrant with the most spectacular/hilarious accident, after getting it very wrong? Towbar comes off, brakes catch fire, Smart car ends up inside motorhome after harsh braking? That kind of thing.

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Neighbours. See the neighbours' eye view, as in every episode another horrible old car arrives on a leafy residential street in Chester. Watch the drama unfold as the neighbours meet by the palm tree at the local caff to complain about the street's bad boy, Billy. In today's episode, everything is turned on its' head, as Mrs Smith across the street, asks our anti-hero if he can source a tidy late model Corsa, at a good price. Thrill to the cliff-hanger, as her 15 year old daughter escapes over the border, to Rhyl with her English teacher.

 

CSI Kirkcaldy. That's Cruise Scene Investigation. Watch as our travelling team hangs out in the Prom truck park, Kwik Fit's forecourt and the KFC up the retail park, offering critical analysis and style tips to the youthful cruisers. Unknown to the young hep cats, the team's shabby Volvo 240's packing an LS-1 with nitrous, so things could get interesting! Maybe there's merit in keeping a tissue box on the parcel shelf, and wearing comfortable slacks after all...

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A spin-off of BBC3's 'Great TV Mistakes', which focuses solely on the misplacement of cars on screen, e.g. models that were not released until the 80's appearing in a 'typical 70's street scene' etc. Nothing irritates me more than an out of place Viva or a Series III Landy popping up in the 'Swinging 60's'.

 

Robert Webb would be replaced with Frank Bough on narration duties.

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19:00 I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here - An opportunity to see self-important celebrities* humiliated as their woeful and stunted career as an on-screen attention whore is dissected cruelly by the driver of the barely road legal Vauxhall Chevette they're in.  All methods of opening the doors from the inside have been removed.

 

19:30 Give Us a Clue - It's a car guessing game using mime.  Michael Parkinson still presents.

 

20:00 Can't Start Won't Start - This week, our two teams attempt to get a Lexus LS400 with a mystery electrical fault to start using only the contents of the bag each amateur contestant has brought with them.  Hosted by Ed China.  Contains violence and strong language. 

 

20:30 Bullseye - Same format, but the prizes are all sub-£500 cars with an MoT and no tax.

 

21:00 Hoarders - Aspirational programme highlighting the important and diverse collections of rare vehicles amassed by some of the country's most devoted enthusiasts.

 

21:30 CPTC - See if you can guess what's hiding under the stinking tarps of wonder this week before our contestants do.

 

22:00 Dad's Say the Darnedest Things - A humorous selection of Dads standing by their cars spouting ill informed opinions on the government, 1970s British car industry and people from other countries.  Contains racism and farts that are so bad you can actually see them.  Caution:  Everyone except Dads will be offended by this programme.

 

Close - poor quality live web-feed of a Triumph TR7 in a field in Wales.

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Maestros on ice. An ice skating based tribute to Ceefax performed by olympic champions driving Austin Maestros. Starring Bruce Willis, Sarah Jessica Parker Toadfish from Neighbours and Gary Glitter.

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"Sorry gents, just tripped over this thread again and might have LOL'D out loud to the consternation of my colleagues. Newbies, any more suggestions?"

 

 

You LOL'd out loud? I fell over ROFLing! Great thread!

 

-

 

JUKES OF HAZZARD... exactly the same high jinx and shag-witted capers as before, but in a car that looks like it's landed hard despite never having been near any broken bridges

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A bit of late night 'serious' history programming, for after the snooker, darts and boxing (still sponsored by Embassy, JPS and lager of course)? How about That Was The Wank That Was - Warren T Claim's exhaustive (exhausting?) 15 part epic, on the entire history of porn, from 1000BC to date?

 

Mind you, I think there's an argument for kids' programming too. Not an all-day repeatathon, but just a couple of hours before tea, like it used to be. So we could have...

 

I Can Cook - an introduction to HGF for the under 5's.

Mister Maker - a 'zany' bloke goes round to kids' houses, in a Honda Acty, from which magically appears all the bits needed to finish the project/kit car that's cluttering up the garden. He's good this guy; really good. He can magic up Maserati sills from cardboard, and knows how to invisibly fix Mondeo bumpers.

Junior Kickstart - well, I could have a good laugh and a beer, while a bunch of 12 year olds attempt to start a 37 year old CZ with a duff battery and an iffy coil. Any of them make it through, I could borrow a 600 Panther, and let them try it again. I might even put crash mats in the neighbours' gardens, and ask air traffic control to monitor the situation.

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A bit of late night 'serious' history programming, for after the snooker, darts and boxing (still sponsored by Embassy, JPS and lager of course)? How about That Was The Wank That Was - Warren T Claim's exhaustive (exhausting?) 15 part epic, on the entire history of porn, from 1000BC to date?

 

Mind you, I think there's an argument for kids' programming too. Not an all-day repeatathon, but just a couple of hours before tea, like it used to be. So we could have...

 

I Can Cook - an introduction to HGF for the under 5's.

That'd be 15 long episodes!

 

How about Can't Cook Won't Cook. A debate on the whether K Seal is better than Steel Seal.

 

Big Cook Little Cook. Two annoying twats drive a Rover 100 and 825 continuosly around the M25 singing and dancing?

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If you want some "real" programming from the wrong side of the pond, you can always have America's longest running (and most boring) motoring show, Motorweek.  You can watch John Davis gush over every single car he reviews like its the greatest thing ever!  Marvel at how they haven't bothered to change their format in over thirty years!  How's that for consistency?

 

Ever wanted to know how somebody can take a subject we're all passionately interested in and somehow find a way to make it tediously dull?  Just watch Motorweek and you'll find out.

 

Seriously, there are episodes all over the YouTubes.  You won't believe how crap it is.  Still, it's a good way to see some old Yankee-style shite.  Oh, and John Davis gets fatter every year, too.

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Oh, there's also "The Car Show", a short-lived Top Gear ripoff made by the soon-to-be-extinct Speed Channel.  It had a few good moments but was otherwise pretty dire.

 

There's also US Top Gear, if you're in the mood.

 

Other possible shows for Autoshite TV could include Car Crazy, a series about automotive enthusiasts, hosted by Barry Meguiar, President and CEO of the Meguiar's car care product empire.

Website here: http://www.carcrazycentral.com/

 

There's also My Classic Car, a show about classics and their owners.  Its worth watching just to see presenter Dennis Gage's epic waxed handlebar moustache!

Website here:  http://www.myclassiccar.com/

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9.00pm - When eBay Goes Wrong. Following shiters who buy a car off eBay on the strength of the listing only to find that it's upside down and covered in moss. Contains scenes of a violent nature.

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7:00 pm - The 1 show. A half hour debate as to why the BMW 1-series is everything that's wrong with moderns.

 

7:30 pm - The Krypton Factor. Four shitists are challenged to tune their cars with late '80s cutting-edge garage equipment, usually to no discernable benefit. Look out for the obstacle course round, set in a different scrapyard each week.

 

8:00 pm - Slow N Beige. Autoshite's take on Fast N Loud sees the Petrol Chimp Lock-up crew take on a half-arsed rattle can blow-over of a Triumph Acclaim, whilst garage owner Billy nervously waits to see how much his rusty Ka will make at the local BCA branch.

 

9:00 pm - Last of The Summer Whine. Gearbox maladies in various A-series engined vehicles are investigated and dismissed as "they all do that".

 

9:30 pm - FILM The Hunt for the Red Montego. Sean Connery stars as a shitist looking for the elusive ARG product, which has become increasingly undetectable in recent years.

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8:00 Sunnys and Daughters

Australian soap based around a family whose daughters drive small Datsuns. 

 

8:30 Granada GXLdorado

Soap opera set in a Spanish holiday rental car. 

 

8:55 Ã°Å¸Å½Â¥ FILM CHOICE: Babe, Pig In The City

Children's comedy film about Babe, a miraculous talking car which suffers from overheating, fuel vaporising and hot start problems making it a liability in traffic. 

 

10:00 Explicit Sex News At Ten 

followed by extreme violence weather forecast

 

10:30 Babe, Pig In The City (conclusion)

 

11:00 Points & Condenser of View Live

Tonights topic: If you didn't want your children traumatised, maybe they shouldn't have been up so late. 

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Curtain Twitchers.

An ASTV exclusive, this new game show will have you on the edge of your seat.  In this pilot episode our three teams must get their diesel powered vehicles - a white LDV Pilot with a blue door, a Fairway FX4 taxi with the wrong plates and a Citroen BX running on veg oil - from the train station to the end of a quiet cul-de-sac without getting noticed by the police, breaking down or alerting any of the residents of the leafy little street.  Prizes for any contestant who manages to reach the destination without a single curtain twitched at their arrival or a call to the Council/Police.

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