Shite You CAN'T STAND!

[Negative Creep]

So what's wrong with the Citroen Picasso then:

 

 

 

There's a joke somewhere about French build quality or leaving the factory like that, but balls to it, it's too late in the evening

[richardthestag]

I honestly can't think of another vehicle that pisses me off as much as the Picasso - or one whose occupants are so often as as spirit-crushingly bland and bloated as the vehicle they're in.

 

Whoa whoa whoa! Just hold the fuck up there for a minute. I have to take issue with that misinformed opinion.

Believe it or not people buy them because they have to. Not because of the "awesome" driving experience.

 

While my parents generation could pile half a dozen kids into the back seats and boot of a 2.8 Capri and razz it sideways around every corner, modern parents can't do that.

 

Kids need to be in child seats, or you're clocking up points. If you spawn more than two kids you need an individual seat for each kid. Which is where the Picasso, Scenic, Espace etc come in. No fucker wants to drive a people carrier voluntarily...

 

And I find that the "spirit-crushingly bland" people I know drive VAG or BMW products.

 

What's your automotive suggestion for a family with three or more kids?

 

Same here, back in 2001 mrs the stag and i found ourselves with a 2 year old son and twin new borns. There were 2 cars on the market at the time that had 2nd row seats wide enough to accommodate a full sized kiddy seat and 2 rock-a-tots. Picasso and merc e-class. So Picasso it was. before you ask 3rd row was out of the question a) boot full of double prams and other shit and you ever tried to strap a wriggly 2year old into a car seat when he really just wants to run around like a lunatic?

 

Car was comfy, capacious, reliable and had a hose down interior. Couldn't have been more practical for us at that stage.

 

We had it 7 years in which time it's value had depreciated completely. Bought it for 10k sold it for 1k, it did have a dent on every single panel thanks to mrs the stag, motoring godess that she is. But it still worked and would still haul the lot of us to the south of France each year.

 

We now have a c4 grand Picasso which chewed its first turbo up at 35k and is nowhere near as reliable, or comfy. It does do 47mpg though

 

You want bland and bloated take a look at new Audi owners or those hideous bini countryman things. Rolled up next to one in my rangie classic and it was almost as big!!! Since when did a range rover classic become mid sized on the road?

[Alexg]

I was knocking out the Picasso 1.6 Desire on scrappage for £8995. Hardly an inspiring car but a total bargain for familys

[AeroNautiCal]

A lot that were obtained new were motab cars,and the ones that paid for them with money could have had them new for under £10k,used they are one of the few cars that can fit 3 child seats across the back seat ,also they are dirt cheap.

 

"The ones that paid for them with money" were also the Disability Living Allowance, Higher Rate Mobility Component recipients!

 

They signed over their benefit for the three year vehicle lease period, they did not get the cars for free!

[John F]

I honestly can't think of another vehicle that pisses me off as much as the Picasso - or one whose occupants are so often as as spirit-crushingly bland and bloated as the vehicle they're in.

 

Whoa whoa whoa! Just hold the fuck up there for a minute. I have to take issue with that misinformed opinion.

Believe it or not people buy them because they have to. Not because of the "awesome" driving experience.

 

While my parents generation could pile half a dozen kids into the back seats and boot of a 2.8 Capri and razz it sideways around every corner, modern parents can't do that.

 

Kids need to be in child seats, or you're clocking up points. If you spawn more than two kids you need an individual seat for each kid. Which is where the Picasso, Scenic, Espace etc come in. No fucker wants to drive a people carrier voluntarily...

 

And I find that the "spirit-crushingly bland" people I know drive VAG or BMW products.

 

What's your automotive suggestion for a family with three or more kids?

 

 

Nope, those repulsive swollen things are just wrong in every respect. Besides which, I've seen what some of their mouth breathing owners pack into them... there's no way on earth that Tyler and Britnee need half of Toys R Us to entertain them during their half-day excursion to the lard factory.

 

And as for automotive suggestions for families with three or more kids, you've already provided them - Scenic, Espace, etc. Or their Japanese equivalents. Or even the new-shape Picasso, which clearly wasn't designed by the same BASTARD that did the first (or he was given such a bollocking for modelling it on his own mum's MASSIVE FAT ARSE that he promised never to do it again). In short, there are loads of alternatives that aren't as foul-looking as the execrable, dismal Picasso. And bollocks to anyone that owns / drives one.

[AeroNautiCal]

^^ John, perhaps a nice weekend break will help you relax, maybe even taking off in a camper for some quality time...

 

[John F]

^

 

Amazing, really, but they may actually look even worse than the basic model!

 

I don't mind this one though:

 

 

- although I can't imagine seeing one of them driven by some fat bloke with double chin and a thousand-yard stare along with his fat, scowling wife and fat, soiled children, lol.

[willswitchengage]

Half of the people I've known at outward bounds related clubs have had Berlingos solely for practicality and they were just as fun as any car really for pissing about in mud and high speed "soft roading". 99% of cars on sale today have a sufficiently powerful engine for "spritely" driving, anything no matter how first-child it may be can be fun if you try hard enough. If anything I'd prefer the honesty of a Xsara Picasso to the midlifecrisis/recentdivorcery of an MX5.

[John F]

Half of the people I've known at outward bounds related clubs have had Berlingos solely for practicality and they were just as fun as any car really for pissing about in mud and high speed "soft roading". 99% of cars on sale today have a sufficiently powerful engine for "spritely" driving, anything no matter how first-child it may be can be fun if you try hard enough. If anything I'd prefer the honesty of a Xsara Picasso to the midlifecrisis/recentdivorcery of an MX5.

 

Agree re. Berlingos, loads of my mates have them for mountain bikíng, etc. That being said they're not ENTIRELY FUGLY, like the Picasso.

[Lufthansa-Terminal]

Apart from the engine is there any good feature of the 1990's Lexus saloons (LS?). Such a dissapointment and like a big taxi basically. Allthough the Cadillac sts cant be any better at a guess.

[idiotboy]

Argghhhh, you've started me off on another one now.

 

Golf Mk1: dull as anything, not very well made, rusty and surely the most over-rated car of ever?

 

Golf Mk2: Same as above yet more bloated and even more bland.

 

Golf Mk3: Why, oh why does anyone rave about them? Even morer bloated, hopelessly and incredibly dull, rust like Lord knows what, shit interior, shit looks and shit to drive.

 

All following Golfs: (mostly) wanker chariots (mostly) driven by people who fell for the hype and think they have the greatest car in the world when very obviously they don't.

Bit harsh for what I think is a good car. MK2 Golf doesn't do anything for me though.

 

 

Does anyone really rave about the mk.3? Even the VW fanbois don't rate them that highly

 

Picks up courage to wade into the shallow end of the high emotions that are running through this thread.

 

I've had a Mk2 and a Mk3 Golf, (1988 1.6 CL +E and a 1994 1.4 Match), so I'd have to agree that VW lost whatever plot they had with the MK3, it really was a lemon. The MK2 was if I'm honest a straight and rust free motor for me, but it was really depressingly dull. Also and this seems to be a feature of all the VW's I've experienced, VW just don't seem able to make a car with Decent brakes. They have all been a load of rubbish in the stopping department. The only German car / vehicle that I've used that had really good anchors was the Wartburg and that was because it had 4 pot calipers off a Skoda Rapid..

 

As for the great picasso debate, they are not pretty but they sold well and did exactly what those that bought them wanted and they were a success for Citroen. Personally I'd rather have a pre facelift berlingo multispace if I was going to breed, but then I might be trying to get an isofix seat to fit a mehari by then.

[Cavcraft]

Picasso? Had one last year for a short while that was a cheapy eBay thing. Dented all over the place, horrible sounding gearbox or diff or something and interior resembled a crisp crushing factory, like pretty much all 'MPV' cars do.

It was a great car though: good on fuel, nice driving position, plenty of room and generally pretty good all round.

[Ian Nexus]

I guess this would be a bad time to ask what anyone thought of a Chevrolet Suburban we now have 2 kids and a teenage daughter and are struggling to fit everyone in the Jeep Cherokee, mrs Nexus strongly dislikes minivans (Dodge Caravan, Nissan Quest, Honda Odyssey) and I dont like the 16 MPG ! of the Suburban or Ford Expedition. I really like boxes on wheels so the Nissan Quest would be my choice

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chevy_Suburban

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nissan_Quest

[Cavcraft]

You won't struggle to fit anything into a Suburban Ian, trust me.

If you don't like low MPGs (as you said) you won't be happy though, I reckon my 6.5TD did about low twenties at absolute best and that was a very rare occasion. I believe the petrol ones were similar/slightly worse in the fuel stakes too. Diesel being deaer than petrol didn't really work out alas, so unless you score an LPG one I'd stick away. You can out-Chelsea tractor X5s, Range Rovers etc with consumate ease though and it's always worth the laugh of parking next to them.

[Ian Nexus]

Ive been keeping a look out for the Diesel Suburban but they aren't common around here - the engine is based on the GM petrol V8 and isn't as durable as the Cummins 6BT, Ive gotten used to the size of cars here now, the Cherokee now seems small and my old Toyota seems tiny!

[richardthestag]

Nope, those repulsive swollen things are just wrong in every respect. Besides which, I've seen what some of their mouth breathing owners pack into them... there's no way on earth that Tyler and Britnee need half of Toys R Us to entertain them during their half-day excursion to the lard factory.

 

And as for automotive suggestions for families with three or more kids, you've already provided them - Scenic, Espace, etc. Or their Japanese equivalents. Or even the new-shape Picasso, which clearly wasn't designed by the same BASTARD that did the first (or he was given such a bollocking for modelling it on his own mum's MASSIVE FAT ARSE that he promised never to do it again). In short, there are loads of alternatives that aren't as foul-looking as the execrable, dismal Picasso. And bollocks to anyone that owns / drives one.

 

I think someone needs a hug

 

none of your automotive suggestions would have worked for the mouth breathing, vacuous, 6-toed thestag family. (*). You clearly never used a Picasso in anger else you would know that is was probably the widest car in its class. Scenics, zafiras and other such machinery are blessed with 2 full rear seats and a 2/3rd effort in the middle. We tried and could not fit 3 car seats. This would have meant one nipper up front but neither me nor the mrs could fit our bloated behinds (*) into the rear seat space available. 3rd row was out of the question, as boot space was required for double buggy and other paraphernalia associated with managing 3 nippers. And of course half of Toys r us and some lard – can you even still buy lard?

 

We looked at the espace, it was thirsty and way out of our budget. We looked at Multipla but again found it too narrow and too Italian tbh.

 

But you are right, I have renamed thestag boys to Wayne, Carling and Calibra. Next time I will buy something unsuitable because it looks good rather than be functional for my needs. I will spend the rest of this year beating myself mercilessly with the old wheel wrench that somehow didn’t get sold with the car.

 

Anyway why am I justifying this, well i am not ! So I say bolloxs to anyone who aint tried one, now I am going to haul my lardy arse down lidls to buy some lard, 16 wife beaters, 60 bensons and then ram raid the chippy on the way home and claim my benefits for the next 20 years until I can retire and claim my state pension (*)

 

Yay my birthday today too

 

*May not be true

[Cavcraft]

Ive been keeping a look out for the Diesel Suburban but they aren't common around here - the engine is based on the GM petrol V8 and isn't as durable as the Cummins 6BT, Ive gotten used to the size of cars here now, the Cherokee now seems small and my old Toyota seems tiny!

 

Forgot you were in America sorry!

I'd suggest a Chrysler Voyager as they're huge inside, but sadly they're also effing awful cars. How about something like an Astro, I'd imagine they're pretty plentiful and I seem to recall they had various engines to chose from?

[John F]

Nope, those repulsive swollen things are just wrong in every respect. Besides which, I've seen what some of their mouth breathing owners pack into them... there's no way on earth that Tyler and Britnee need half of Toys R Us to entertain them during their half-day excursion to the lard factory.

 

And as for automotive suggestions for families with three or more kids, you've already provided them - Scenic, Espace, etc. Or their Japanese equivalents. Or even the new-shape Picasso, which clearly wasn't designed by the same BASTARD that did the first (or he was given such a bollocking for modelling it on his own mum's MASSIVE FAT ARSE that he promised never to do it again). In short, there are loads of alternatives that aren't as foul-looking as the execrable, dismal Picasso. And bollocks to anyone that owns / drives one.

 

I think someone needs a hug

 

none of your automotive suggestions would have worked for the mouth breathing, vacuous, 6-toed thestag family. (*). You clearly never used a Picasso in anger else you would know that is was probably the widest car in its class. Scenics, zafiras and other such machinery are blessed with 2 full rear seats and a 2/3rd effort in the middle. We tried and could not fit 3 car seats. This would have meant one nipper up front but neither me nor the mrs could fit our bloated behinds (*) into the rear seat space available. 3rd row was out of the question, as boot space was required for double buggy and other paraphernalia associated with managing 3 nippers. And of course half of Toys r us and some lard – can you even still buy lard?

 

We looked at the espace, it was thirsty and way out of our budget. We looked at Multipla but again found it too narrow and too Italian tbh.

 

But you are right, I have renamed thestag boys to Wayne, Carling and Calibra. Next time I will buy something unsuitable because it looks good rather than be functional for my needs. I will spend the rest of this year beating myself mercilessly with the old wheel wrench that somehow didn’t get sold with the car.

 

Anyway why am I justifying this, well i am not ! So I say bolloxs to anyone who aint tried one, now I am going to haul my lardy arse down lidls to buy some lard, 16 wife beaters, 60 bensons and then ram raid the chippy on the way home and claim my benefits for the next 20 years until I can retire and claim my state pension (*)

 

Yay my birthday today too

 

*May not be true

 

 

Hehe! Happy birthday, Richard

 

Not sure calling the 3rd thestag boy Calibra is a good idea, he might end up getting fitted with Lexarse lights, minging body kit and an ironing board spoiler & consequently be picked on even more at school than he would for having a dad with a bloated frog tribewagen.

 

Anyway... please don't feel you have to justify your Picasso stigmata. We're all adults here (more or less), and I doubt anyone's taking this thread particularly seriously. Besides, it's entitled "shite YOU can't stand" so it's only ever going to be subjective.

 

[Ian Nexus]

Ive been keeping a look out for the Diesel Suburban but they aren't common around here - the engine is based on the GM petrol V8 and isn't as durable as the Cummins 6BT, Ive gotten used to the size of cars here now, the Cherokee now seems small and my old Toyota seems tiny!

 

Forgot you were in America sorry!

I'd suggest a Chrysler Voyager as they're huge inside, but sadly they're also effing awful cars. How about something like an Astro, I'd imagine they're pretty plentiful and I seem to recall they had various engines to chose from?

 

The Chevrolet Astro really isnt a looker at all, to be honest the Ford Aerostar does the older minivan thing the best with the most durable mechanics (large OHV engine RWD).

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chevy_Astro

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ford_Aerostar

[willswitchengage]

90s American MPVs were the business.

 

Pontiac Trans Sport (and it's other GM copies):

 

 

And the more conservative Ford Aerostar (I see you've beat me to it!):

 

[Tayne]

I guess this would be a bad time to ask what anyone thought of a Chevrolet Suburban

 

Red over grey, GR9 4 BEIN TONY SOPRANO!

 

[chaseracer]

...if I was going to breed...

You will warn us first, won't you Matt...?

[idiotboy]

...if I was going to breed...

You will warn us first, won't you Matt...?

 

lol...consider yourself warned

[eddyramrod]

Did someone say Suburban?

My rental on my last trip to The Colonies, two years ago. It was 3 days before I realised the third row of seats was up! Lovely thing to drive, if difficult to park in San Francisco. My biggest complaint was the non-colour, but I could live with that, it was only for two weeks...

 

Picasso? Nothing very special but a handy family chariot. I used to drive one at work and never found anything to complain about, which is pretty darn good considering it's both modern and French!

 

Have BMW or VAG had their well-earned mentions yet?

[himoverthere]

none of your automotive suggestions would have worked for the mouth breathing, vacuous, 6-toed thestag family. (*). You clearly never used a Picasso in anger else you would know that is was probably the widest car in its class. Scenics, zafiras and other such machinery are blessed with 2 full rear seats and a 2/3rd effort in the middle. We tried and could not fit 3 car seats. .... We looked at the espace, it was thirsty and way out of our budget. We looked at Multipla but again found it too narrow and too Italian tbh.

 

But you are right, I have renamed thestag boys to Wayne, Carling and Calibra. Next time I will buy something unsuitable because it looks good rather than be functional for my needs. I will spend the rest of this year beating myself mercilessly with the old wheel wrench that somehow didn’t get sold with the car.

 

 

I've just bought a Picasso and renamed the kid Mabelthorpe 'cos that's where she was conceived. We don't need to fit three seats in the back, but the kid likes it because she loved being able to see loads out of the Multipla. She sits in the middle at the back so can see straight forward through the gap between the front seats, and either side, and straight up because we have the posh one with a glass roof. It's useful for us as we have a tent the size of the Isle of Man, and sometimes have to shift furniture and that.

 

I'm surprised you found the Multipla too narrow - I had one and it felt wider than the Picasso. The interior though is a cut below even Citroen's offering.

[Junkman]

OK, maybe this is admittedly a bit OT, but I don't really hate any car. However, what I hate with a passion are those American travelling toilets made by

 

[John F]

OK, maybe this is admittedly a bit OT, but I don't really hate any car. However, what I hate with a passion are those American travelling toilets

 

I don't mind them. It makes it easy to identify people who think that motorcycling is best represented by lumbering, ponderous tractors that generate more noise than velocity, and hence saves me the bother of talking to them.

[Junkman]

I envy your ability to remain this relaxed on the subject. As I wrote above, I hate them with a passion.

[oman5]

Half of the people I've known at outward bounds related clubs have had Berlingos solely for practicality and they were just as fun as any car really for pissing about in mud and high speed "soft roading". 99% of cars on sale today have a sufficiently powerful engine for "spritely" driving, anything no matter how first-child it may be can be fun if you try hard enough. If anything I'd prefer the honesty of a Xsara Picasso to the midlifecrisis/recentdivorcery of an MX5.

 

Agree re. Berlingos, loads of my mates have them for mountain bikíng, etc. That being said they're not ENTIRELY FUGLY, like the Picasso.

I wanted a berlingo. until I drove one. comfy enough and spacious but gutless as feck. maybe the HDi ones are better?

[freebird]

Daewoo Lanos. Charmless, hopeless and utter wank.