As readers of the grumpy thread will already know I'm being forced by circumstances to return to driving a taxi for a living.
The last time I drove a licensed vehicle was in 2006 so I thought I'd entertain you with a thread about the taxi shite I drove from 2000 to 2006.
The taxi trade and its associated vehicles fascinated me as a small child, a ride in a hack was always seen as a treat and the pleasure of sitting on an FX4 jump seat and watching the driver take us to our destination was always a joy to my nine year old self, watching him either stir the wand like gear lever and seeing the notices on the dash and their dire warnings about the dangers of not pulling off in first or on a double bonus trip the cab would be a column shift auto and have the Dyna tape notice on the instruments about never exceeding 40mph. The private hire trade were a totally different fascination though, they drove Mk3 Cortinas like there was no tomorrow and never ever washed them which was a stark contrast to the similar fleet of mk3's that the building business owned by my family ran, even a plastic wavy hand that a rep had added to his rear screen would result in a trip to Claim_Grandads office for a stern telling off. Private hire drivers seemed to live the perfect lifestyle of late nights, girls and trips to the bookies, all arranged whilst being able to understand the crackling voice on the other end of a Motorola two way radio.
Anyway, back to the story. In November 2000 I was in need of work so I decided to realise my "dream" and become a private hire driver. Back then all I needed was a cleanish driving licence and the ability to pass a medical and written knowledge test and as long as your police check was reasonably clear you'd be on the road. I scraped through all of the above and was good to go, almost. I would first need a suitable car for this venture that had four seats and was under eight years old, sadly my Cavalier was just coming up to its ninth birthday so that was out which was a shame because the Cavalier was king of the taxis in my area as all the Sierras were now eight years old and forced to retire. I had to hire, or as it's locally known "settle"a car. I'd had friendly words with a local part time criminal and full time taxi specialist before I'd passed my tests and as he was helpful I thought I'd rent a car from him, I called in to see him and I had the choice between an M reg Escort Ghia 1.8i petrol, an L plate 405 1.6 petrol or an M plate 405 diesel, After careful consideration I agreed to hire the 405 dizzler for the princely sum of £70 a week excluding insurance which didn't bother me anyway cos insurance was available from the company I was going to work for anyway at £42.50.
I proudly hoped into my Pug and drove the couple of hundred yards to the taxi office to get my radio fitted, at this point the first problem appeared, the 405 was untaxed! I spoke to the car owner and he said it must of been stolen and not to worry about it, never mind, only a slap on the wrist if I'm caught so I went and got my set fitted. Now instead of a crackly radio my car was fitted with a data screen and GPS system that would tell me where I was to pick up and drop off so after reading all the twenty page manual I was ready to go. I dutifully logged on to the system and was given my first ever job. After the somewhat surreal experience of pulling up outside of someone's house, beeping the horn and a total stranger getting into the front of my car I was finally earning a living. Unfortunately the 405 decided it wanted early retirement, the back brakes would stick on if the car was stationary for more than a brief moment, the heater wouldn't work, the rack pissed out PAS fluid, to unlock the doors I needed to use pliers and as I later learnt it had been involved in a shunt and burned a front tyre out on a weekly basis. The rev counter never worked which wasn't a problem but when the drive from the gearbox to the speedo failed it was bad news, no speedo, no trip meter, no way of telling how much to charge. Fortunately that was sorted and I persevered with the 405 for a few months until I could afford a car of my own.
Enter the Vectra from hell! It was only three and a half years old and had a low mileage due to being subject to an insurance claim in the past when it was sideswiped by an errant Transit and other than squeaky nearside doors where it'd been hit it was at first glance a great little car, although it was petrol the fuel economy was fantastic and it's still probably the quickest 1.8 family saloon I've ever driven. I was a happy bunny for all of a week then the problems started. The handbrake failed, the drivers window only started working if you pulled the armrest in a certain way, the metal to rubber PAS pipe broke and was on back order from GM as apparently it was an inherent weak point and most importantly the gearbox died, not in a getting slightly crunchier over a period of time type of fail but a locked front wheels halfway around a busy roundabout type fail. As you can imagine the recovery of the dead Vectra was a total nightmare. I managed to get a second hand box from a scrappy but it seemed to be losing its synchro in third so I did the decent thing and cut my losses and sold the heap. Sadly this meant going back to a hire car so this time I asked around and went elsewhere to source a car, and this is how I ended up making history by being the last person in my area to use a Montego as a taxi.
It was an ex British Aerospace saloon with the turbocharged Prima diesel and did a spectacular 50 mpg whilst still managing to go like a bat out of hell, albeit whilst leaving a trail of black smoke behind it. The heater was pants, the thing had done nearly a quarter of a million miles, the headlining was sagging in the usual BL way but most importantly in my opinion it lacked that crucial feature, power steering. This coupled with the usual piss taking from other drivers and customers alike about being seen driving a very unfashionable car was something of a drawback so I emptied my piggy bank and had a look at what was available for my budget.
Another driver had managed to secure a P plate FSO Polonez for a small sum of money and was getting good service from the XUD engine fitted so I wasn't going to dismiss the idea of owning an East European and as luck might have it an FSO turned up at a local dealers and I scampered around to audition it. I could of lived with the stick on wood trim and even the lack of central locking but the biggest problem with it was the engine, it was a 1.5 petrol and not exactly the most frugal car you could run for your money. A Daewoo Espero was briefly considered but after the Vectra the thought of GM mechanicals was off putting to say the least but finally I managed to find something up to the job, an ex military police Mondeo Aspen diesel saloon, 160,000 on the clock with central locking, Transit instrument cluster but no electric windows. Abargain for a '98 model as it had had a small amount of damage in the past. I had the windows etched with the reg number and fitted the fire extinguisher as per council requirements and hit the road. Other than a snapped throttle cable I managed to bodge with Meccano it behaved faultlessly, even the punters liked it. All was well with the world and I was finally happy and spending 2002 doing what I wanted to do....
On local facebook Cars for Sale section 700 quid. For some reason they've airbrushed on how my eyes looked when I left for work this morning after having 2 weeks on the piss.
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