pompei

Alright pap pickers
 
I am going through one of these phases that often places a strain on my marriage to the normally-patient madam_ba11sacK whereby my shite-buying body clock informs me that I have not bought a car for a long time and that I must remedy it immediately. This means I have to sit on the computer permanently scanning for shite instead of going to bed, cooking, eating, breathing etc. I have decided that I need to buy a car that, when I come out of the office at 6pm absolutely drained of all life force, does not inflict a final kidney punch when i walk across the carpark to it and contemplate sitting in it for an hour while I drive home. At the moment, the Doble, ace vehicle that it is, sadly inflicts such a punch with its upright driving position, lack of speed and shitty 'builder spec' 2-speaker radio.
 
The budget is about £300ish and I envisage the successful candidate being able to achieve getting on for 40mpg on a steady longish run which means that a semi-modern 2-litre petrol is where I am looking. This section of the market throws up all sorts of XTREME SHITE where you seem to be able to buy something pretty nice actually if you dont mind a bit of fettling. OK I might be a little optimistic on the 40mpg but you never know. Don't want a Vectra or a Mondeo BTW.
 
Straight in at number one: NISSAN PRIMERA
 

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/1999-NISSAN-PRIMERA-SE-PLUS-TAX-DEC-2013-MOT-RUN-OUT-/221261380000
 
Example pictured: Sold for £240
 
These things looks like the dullest old bilge you can possibly imagine, but are actually a pretty sharp drive. I remember driving n M-reg one a lot when it was new and as a driving experience it literally got its wang out and pissed all over the Rover 820, 214, Ford Galaxy and other company crocks my employer had available. I remember looking at a picture of its 'multi-link suspension' on the front and the complexity of the rubber bushes that went into it and did not realise at the time how much more thoroughly engineered the thing was than its european rivals. I reckon sitting in one of these for 2 hours a day would be no hardship at all and they are PISS CHEAP no doubt due to the absolutely rubbish styling.
 
in second place: ROVER 600
 

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/1995-ROVER-620-I-GREY-/271251770730
 
Example pictured: £300
 
These seem to be nowhere on anyone's radar which is a shame as to my eyes they are a great looker, the rear 3/4 view especially and the turbo one with its slightly wider wheels and lower suspension looks absolutely spot-on. The 'cooking' ones as pictured look a little anaemic admittedly. Some of them have absolutely beautiful-looking interiors too although I have a feeling the quality of the fittings and that inside is probably dire when you actually touch them. Most seem to be a Honda 2.0 sohc engine of about 115bhp and I suspect are a tad dull to drive but the magic 4-0 seems achievable to me. I bet a 623 with the 150bhp 2.3 engine is a lovely steer, specially if you can find a super-rare manual box one (you won't be able to)
 
clinging ont a bronze: DAEWOO LEGANZA
 

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/1999-DAEWOO-LEGANZA-SX-AUTO-BLUE-/281132372280
 
Pictured example: £210
 
Lets be honest these look shit. The interior particularly with its grey plastic which looks exactly what you would expect a 'cheap posh car from Korea' to look like maybe. I can imagine these selling quite well back in the day in somewhere like Russia where you might actually look like you're doing alright if you drive one of these and not a knackered old Lada, but in europe they just look like something brought in to fill up space in an import quota and then sold at a massive discount to people who have no idea generally. HAVING SAID THAT they seem to have the GM 2.0 16v Ecotec which although not the stuff of legend is a decent enough engine and i'm sure they are reasonably reliable and above all they have BLUE CHIP SHITE status in that when you tell folk what you drive they will look at you with a mixture of amazement and pity.
 
4th place: CHRYSLER NEON
 

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/2000-CHRYSLER-NEON-LX-Gold-2-0i-16v-Petrol-Air-Con-Full-Leather-/181224534504
 
Pictured example: £300 BIN
 
I suspect you have to be fairly careful buying these as most are autos and i believe the gearboxes in them are as fragile as anything Renault have come up with in the last 20 years. No doubt fixing the box will cost a fortune even if you fathom out how to do it yourself. However I have seen a couple of manual-bxed 'R/T' ('sporty' version) ones with 150bhp fail to muster £400 so one of those could be a goer. They mainly have shiny silver grey interiors which are seriously awful but again the shite credentials are top-notch and I have noticed most ebay ads say 'very smooth' which i can believe, I have a feeling the yanks do know how to make a car a smooth drive as I imagine most american drivers need all the help they can get to drive smoothly while at the same time eating a sack of twinkies, drinking a 2l cup of coke and discharging/reloading weapons etc
 
OK I said top ten, thats only four but its 3 in the morning so I'd better come back to this later

In the white room with black curtains
near the station
Blackroof country, no gold pavements,
tired starlings
Silver horses ran down moonbeams
in your dark eyes
Dawnlight smiles on you leaving,
my contentment

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/A-Top-of-the-Range-Skoda-Estelle-Two-120LSE-with-33-943-Miles-from-New-/281163601366?pt=Automobiles_UK&hash=item4176a815d6

.... Or  Arse & back bollocks
 

I seem to recall this R16 appears in 'Gorillas in the Mist' just after a caption saying the year is 1969 - we all know the rectangular tail lights weren't around then.
 
I was so livid I kicked my gorilla hand ashtray across the room.

^ at least it's the right model and not a Robin or Rialto so they deserve some credit for that. I keep having thoughts about Trotterising a Scimitar - if you're going to use the wrong type of Reliant you may as well go all the way and get it totally wrong

I just spotted this on RR. 
 
http://retrorides.proboards.com/thread/156899/mk3-gartrac-genesis-project-prston
 

 
I have no idea how much work has gone into it or how much this is actually worth but this did make me chuckle:
 
 
I could look like Ryan Gosling with some plastic surgery, a good diet and some time in the gym but that does not mean I will be using his photo on Match.com

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/mg-midget-1500-/271279146332
 
If that picture does not give you everything you want from an eBay picture then theres nothing more I can do for you, sorry.
 
Actually looks a pretty decent project, doesn't look like bodged up honk of shit like most.

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/peugeot-406-coupe-project-car-fast-/251340435320
 
 
 
More problems solved with STICKERS - the repair of champions

Yeah thats pretty bad admittedly, but at least it has a general 'car roof' shape rather than a polytunnel from an abandoned cannabis farm

Bet you didnt know that before they got into the big league of modified range rover sports with gold leaf on the stereo buttons, 'Project Kahn' started off on Benz minicabs:
 


http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/PROJECT-KHAN-1994-MERCEDES-C280-AUTO-SILVER-450-NO-RESERVE-/171124537304
 
Thats right, a PROJECT KHAN MERC C-CLASS
 
its got the official KHAN TRIMZ, KHAN FROSTED BATHROOM WINDOW TAIL LIGHTS and KHAN OVERSIZE PANEL GAPS ON FRONT BUMPER

I always knew the inside of a Regal of that era would be excitingly miserable, but I never realised it would also have such optimistic and half-arsed trim.  It's great that from the outside they look like an unfinished clay buck and from the inside they look like an abandoned government office.

I love this. I'd never noticed how narrow the windscreens are. If you painted it green you could drive it around your local bird sanctuary like a portable hide. 
 

 
eew, is the centre console a dead camel?
 

 
 
THIS IS LOCAL CAR FOR LOCAL PEOPLE. 

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/PEUGEOT-405-GE-4-DOOR-SALOON-1992-/331023784840?pt=Automobiles_UK&hash=item4d128e1b88
 
This looks nice for £400 BIN, only 36000 miles too.
 

All your herald doors are belong to us

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/cnp-65h-/290978261072?pt=Automobiles_UK&hash=item43bfa7e850

Worst in what way?
 
Reliability, looks, depreciation?
 
I can say that my worst (yet also best car) was the Rover SD2400 SD1 turbo diesel.  Unreliable, blew it's radiator the first week of ownership, rotten doors, hole under the pedals  (wet feet on rainy days) and cans of easy start to get it moving.  Paid my dad a grand for it (the garage had offered him 2k trade in) and only ever rotten and broke for my trouble,
 
So on all three counts my worst car
 
God I loved that car 

Granada 2.0 Scorpio.
Managed to swap it for a nice ZX that just needed a clutch.

My CX GTi Turbo was getting scary towards the end of my ownership.  It had a slow LHM leak that I hadn't spotted until the "OMG STOP!!!!!" light came on when I was miles from home.  By the time I got home the level had got so low that air had got into the system.  This meant that not only did it take ages for the suspension to decide to come up, but there was a half-second pause between touching the brake pedal and the brakes coming on.  At the speeds a GTi Turbo is capable of, 1/2 second is a bloody long time.
 
Then there was the Ford D-Series beavertail lorry which only had one working brake (the nearside front).  That made stopping in a hurry "interesting", especially with a car on the back.
 
Then there was the 2-seater Morris special I bought off a mate.  I knew the seats weren't bolted down; I knew the steering wheel wasn't bolted on; and I knew the footbrake didn't work.  What I didn't know is that the clutch had a sticky slave cylinder.  I recovered it back from my mate's, then offloaded it and started it up to manoeuvre it into its parking space.  Clutch down, into first, ease off the clutch pedal.  No bite, so ease off a bit further.  Then fully off the pedal.  Then the slave lets go, the clutch comes in with a bump, the car leaps forward, the driver's seat tips over backward with me sat in it, the steering wheel comes off in my hands, and I'm driving across the car park on my back with my legs in the air, with no way of steering or stopping the fugging thing.  I managed to regain control before I hit anything, but it did sh*t me up at the time.  Was probably amusing for anyone watching though.

Page 903 wouldn't be complete without something like this...

 
What a honey!

This camping or caravaning thing never did anything for me.
My idea of a camper van is this:
 

 
How many nights in my life can I sleep in a B&B until I have spent as much money as a camper van costs?

I have done the drive down to St Tropez and picked up a Panhard 24bt for 2k sight unseen. I didn't A frame it though used a trailer. Panhards are great cars but not easy to restore and scary as shit to drive fast. The 24 is good for a ton but with the front end panels held on with rubber cotton reel mountings they flap around a fair bit. I would have another though just finding the right car at the right price they are getting silly money now in france still worth bugger all over here

Without wishing to sound patronising, you're quite probably the least person who'd have to worry about your collection being 'wrong' on here, Nigel.Your motors, like your tat collecting missions, are legendary.

Nigel, at the risk of sounding grovelling I have to say that your shite adventures are truly inspirational. I joined up largely because of them.
 
If most people here are buying/driving/fixing newer cars, I'd be prepared to bet that it's because of limitations re money/time/wives/size of bollocks, not because there's no interest in vehicles like yours.
 
I for one hope you continue to tell us about your exploits. And get well soon so that you can clear that backlog - photos please!

Whatever happened to Lankytim? I thought he was great, very funny and a very giving lover.

Who are you lot again?