Jim Bell

It's the colour of bile. It is small. It is not a Dacia, Kwashkwai or Juke. It's much worse than any of these things.

Me thinking about my new car. Me seeing it for the first time.

At the far end I was collected from the station by a top shitter in a fine conveyance. It's a car in an actual colour, that rattled like the clappers the way only a daft auld diesel can. 9 out of 10 stars. Driver was punctual and polite. Would use again. Scotland be like that way sometime.

Me creeping back from the toilet on the train trying to look inconspicuous because I made an awful monstrosity and the flush wouldn't work so I just piled all the toilet roll on top of it and left a short note of apologies for the next user.

Me striding up the centre isle of the train on my way to make a poo after enjoying my Twix and water.

And away we go! Early start. I missed breakfast so popped to WH SMITHS so I could grab a cheap snack. Now I know why they've installed FUCKING DEFRIBULATORS at Darlington rail station. A bottle of water and a Twix came to a kick in the arse off of five pounds. Thanks Brexit. Thanks Tracey. Felt like a right bell end. So I went and stood at the bell end of the station.

*But only if it's Scotland or Wales. As is sometimes the way, the car was far away in the Northland's beyond the wall. Thankfully I have fine friends amongst you troupe of car perverts and @juular and @Lacquer Peel kindly went and had a quick look for me. It got the 4 thumbs up so I booked a train up the hill.

After a bit of doom scrolling and ruling out anything parked on gravel, parked on grass, parked with a caravan or dog in the background, being sold by someone also selling 9 to 27 other cars, any seller with a flag as their profile pic and any car with a pic of the key in the ignition that clearly still has an auction tag still attached, I found something that raised my spirits.

I decided that I would buy a nice modern sensible car like a Dacia, or maybe a Nissan Juke or Crashquai. I fired up eBay to see what was going down in boring-town. Sounds delicious but not ethical. Cat food. Wat Craig looked like the best bet but seven god damn dollars seemed a lot and there was no service history so I tried Marketplace.

Not buy car fever is the biggest killer of shrimp and fat northern men after suicide, heart disease and murder. There are ten stages and I was feeling thirsty (stage 8). I really must buy something before I go ded.

The Kangoo served me well. I used it to move house, drop a hundredweight of detritus at the tip, collect things, go to the shops and commute to work. It never grumbled and returned 50mpg if you treated it kindly. Unfortunately, being a van, it's not NEWCASTLE/GATESHEAD ULEZ COMPLIANT, which is where I need to go some times so it was time to pass it on to another keeper. Anyway. I was starting to get symptoms of NOT BUY CAR FEVER, and there's only one cure.

Wolsingham, county Durham 82.

Old redheugh bridge busses.

Which is french for Nice. Which is a town in France. Makes you think.

I'm getting ahead of the wave here but...

Chester Le street market.

Harbour View garage, Sunderland.

Ungrateful petrol arsehole. Diesel Benz may be the best long term solution.

Two please.

It'll be tomorrow soon. I hope it doesn't change back into a lovely blue pumpkin at midnight.

Oh man I think I've worked out what it is. Can't wait to find out.

Toward Road, Sunderland.

Great news on the fix man. Long may it continue fingers crossed, touch wood make sign of the cross.

I knew something would be a Weatherspoons. Finally somewhere I can get a traditional pint of wine.