Bad shit happens in threes, right?
1. Saturday 9th May (mid PM)
I notice there is some water seeping from under the floor joint cover strip between the hallway & downstairs loo. Thats odd thinks I, although the floor had been mopped recently (we have vinyl flooring downstairs). Curiosity gets the better of me & I prise up the joint cover & find that the concrete sub floor in the loo & the felt backing of the vinyl is piss wet! I trace the leak to a 'slightly more than weeping' connection on the pipework for the cistern inlet (the inlet is on the left hand side of the cistern, & the mains water feed pipe is on the opposite (right hand) side, naturally!) the water was dribbling down the flexi pipe and dripping directly onto the floor where the vinyl had been cut to fit around the toilet pan. At this point I find the nut connecting the copper pipe to the plastic pipe of the flush is loose & wont tighten as it appears to be cross threaded. At this point I start raging at the bodging cowboy bastard who fitted the loo some 5 years ago, just after we moved in (the bodging cowboy bastard fitter in question was myself but shhhh! dont tell anyone!)
Cant for the life of me figure out what I was thinking of at the time I installed the loo (I had used various bits of recycled copper pipe, plastic & metal nuts & connectors & a bodged flexi tap connector with too many joints, my grandad always said with plumbing use a few connections as possible to reduce the chance of leaks)
Too late to get anything sorted on Saturday, so on Sunday morning I go to Screwfix & collect a flexi pipe connector and after a bit (lot) of swearing, (& because its a downstairs loo I cant get my fat fucking body between the loo & the wall, without getting stuck or breaking something else) so working blind with both my massive mole hands behind the toilet pan I manage to connect the pipe, turn the isolator valve back on I hear the sound of water rushing through the pipework & all appears OK with no leaks! Result! now I get to relax & enjoy the rest of my Sunday........
2. Sunday 10th May
Around 1430 we decide to head out for our daily state mandated hour's exercise & whilst turning the key to lock the back door the lock resists the key turning, then suddenly there is a slight 'tink' sound from the lock & the resistance is gone, now the key just spins in the lock, resulting in not being able to lock the door! Fan-Fucking-Tastic!!
I immediately assume its the lock barrel thats broken so quickly look on the internet and lo! Screwfix have a replacement lock cylinder in stock! So I rush off to Screwfix for the 2nd time in one day, arriving minutes before they close (due to living in the Cambrigdeshire fens the nearest Screwfix is a 20 mile round trip).
Get the old lock out & install the new lock.......turn the key.......key just spins! (at this point instead of going full on bat shit crazy, a strange, un-naturally serene calmness decends on me, maybe I'm too angry to be angry?!) Turns out its the lockset / gearbox for the multi locking system thats broken. I manage release the busted lock from the door & look online for a replacement. There are many locksets to choose from all priced around £20 - £30, but of course none match the exact dimensions of mine. After some searching, it turns out that the company that made the original lockset are no longer in business, but the ever enterprising Chinese have made an exact* copy which can be mine for £45 delivered!
New lockset arrived Tuesday 12th May & is fitted without drama & we now have a working, lockable back door which is due to be replaced anyway, once life returns to somewhat normal......whenever that will be.......
3. Tuesday 12th May
Decide to swap the back wheels for the fronts on the modern daily (Ford Focus) Start on the passenger side, get the wheels swapped & whilst doing up the locking wheel nut on the front wheel, the side of the locking nut key shears off (because of course it fucking does), snapping the top off of the locking nut itself! So now have to wait for the new locking nuts & key to arrive.......also noticed that one of the nuts on the drivers side rear wheel has been rounded off, enough to necessitate the deployment of the Irwin bolt / nut extractors, once I find where I put them after I last used them!
TL;DR - FMFL! I feel like a modern day Frank fucking Spencer