jakebullet

Just done a bizarro land prolific study. Company X makes a dehumidifier product. It sells better than other brands, but performs similarly. Some people like to compare products to people. Imagine the dehumidifier is called Curtis. Describe Curtis. ??????????? Decided to channel pulp fiction and said he was black, bald, doesn't look like a bitch. Wonder if I'll get my 20p?

Booked Ma a flu jab on the superdrug website. Went there today, 1 flu jab plz. We haven't got any vaccine, there's no pharmacist, and you haven't got an appointment. ~Shows email confirmation of appointment~ That's from the superdrug website, we don't use that. (??????????) Earliest we can offer is 10th October. What a shower of shit. So now playing the check every chemist in 5 mile radius game. We're not stupid enough to go to her docs after last time. Let's invite half the town to come at the same time, jam them inside to form a super spreader event for the 2 hour wait while they come out one at a time shouting "Gerald Ratner? Anyone here called Gerald?"

Bridvegas had this huge outrun 2 in an arcade. It was 4 cars, full movement, the bomb. It also ate pound coins all day long. It's gone. There's one of these poxy vr games instead. Things I've noticed. These things are everywhere. They're also 3 quid a go. They're either broken, or nobody is playing them. Who actually wants them? Feel like a solution to a problem that isn't there. I vaguely get the earlier ones where you had a bloke operating it. But punter controlled? Strap yourself in and cover your eyes for the robbery of your life...

Got a notification my parcel has been delivered to outbuilding* As I'm away I've locked the gates so how? Checked the camera and there's a projectile flying over the gate like a javelin. Then an arm sticks up with a phone n snaps a pic. Good job it's only mail sacks.

Advert on the radio, book now to see Santa. Perhaps a smidge soon?

Noise makers appear to have gone home. Left a little* mess behind. Why would you do this when there's bins 50 foot away? Need shooting.

Now I've got off site and away from bollywood greatest hits at 96db it's actually quite nice. Sun's out, diets blown etc. Suppose any race / religion can be a chav wanker, but not something I've ever seen before.

I am on a scum newspaper* caravan holiday***. It's not going well. With the unexpected sad demise of Aup yesterday I got no work done, so had to do it today before I set off. Idiot sister then demands help in dragging around a sheet of ply she's got from wickes for the horse box shite. Amazingly the 5 billion voids appear to be in a bit I can chop off. Ma's phone has decided to not allow calls to / from mobiles. ta Asda. Woman at check in has taken great delight in saying you've not paid for passes, so no entertainment for you. Oh no, how will I survive without karaoke, warm carling and other people's bastards running around screaming? In the rush I've done gr11 in remembering things. I have a loaf of bread. No butter, or sarnie filling of any description. We have half a bog roll for 5 days. Bit bizarre this. 3 rows away there's a caravan full of women in full dalek dress. Eyes staring out of narrow slits outfits. It's 11:30pm, and they've decided it would be a great time to start playing the bongos. (drum kind, not a euphemism) Is it an Islamic hen do? WTF is going on? There's a huge random cycle race tomorrow which means a 50mile chunk of the coast is no go until peloton de twats has fucked off. And RELAX.

Aup the Mrs's hamster has died suddenly this morning.

He knew he'd hit it as A: Big thump, B: 2 passing students shouted at him & C fucked off at warp speed.

2CV, faded blue, gulf oil sticker on boot.

Success. Local facebook has reunited dead cat. Still a bit shit to fuck off at warp speed when you know you hit it. Mind, prolly do the same no matter what he hit.

Just come back 30 seconds after some arse has hit a cat and fucked off. It's rather dead. I've seen it about before so it's a local cat, but what do you do with a dead cat that isn't yours?

I don't have enough fun with my relatives, so it's time to get involved* with the Mrs's. Mrs. hasn't seen the parents for like a billion years 'cos her dad once said "live your life" whatever that means, but she translated it to keep the fuck away from us. A chance encounter with her mum on facebook lead to a thawing, and on a recent holiday we went round for a meet up. Mum is mad as a box of frogs, and gets way too much into my personal space. Appears to think it's fun, but makes me very uncomfortable. I'm not a people person at all. The only topic is former golden boy John, the Mrs's brother, and the many ways he's fucking up his life. Mum not impressed that he's shagging his cousin. Cousin who has worked out spitting out kids is better than working, and has seven of them to seven different "men friends". John has also decided he'd like to give up working, and take up new hobbies of smoking, drinking, terrible tattoos and looking 20 years older than he is instead. He also supports Leeds United. Cousin posts way too much on facebook, and is readable by anyone, so it's constant finding out what John is doing wrong now, and outrage at how he's wasting his life. Come back hamster obsession, all is forgiven.

I'm supposed to be on holiday and having fun. The Mrs. is spinning an elaborate web of lies to her Ma who happens to live here. Instead of saying we'll go out for a coffee instead of the meal Ma wants I've become gluten free so we can't, which Ma has translated to vegan, so off to the nut roast speciality crap coffee shop. Oh, n we're going home today, when we're not, 'cos it's easier* to slink around constantly looking for them than to say we have plans for us time. Constant rehashing of she said this, n I said that. Who gives a shit, let it go and perhaps do holiday things? There was also huge pre-planning of various things not to say, so approx 7 seconds after meeting she says "John's got a tattoo and is an idiot". Er, that's on the no list you've been practising for weeks???? Before I left my Ma insisted I move her from o2 to asda mobile 'cos it's gone up by £2, and that's a king's ransom. Of course it's got fucked up porting the number, and my idiot sister is doing anything but phone asda and say fix it. Lot better plan to contact 02 she's no longer with and threaten offcom.

What shall we call our burger van? That'll get the punters in for sure...

The Mrs. has decided she has dementia, and she's not going in no home! Engage big list of ways she's going to top herself. Er, how have you come to this expert* diagnosis? Yesterday the council sent 2 men to commission the heating system, and she had Nigel supervise them. When everyone had gone post was on the radiator, and OCD means she would never do that. Nigel has been interrogated at length, and will not admit to having moved the post from the floor, and he has provided a statement that he didn't see council men move it. QED: She must have moved it, doesn't remember, and so has dementia. Or Nigel done it, but wants quiet life without days of screeching "contaminated!!!!!" Or Man #1 done it, while Nigel watched man #2. Or you got mega panic about men coming to OCD up your flat and forgot you moved post so they don't contaminate!!!! by standing on it. Dementia then. She's vaguely willing to accept ghost as an answer.

Worn out in 5000 miles? That's ZuperEco.

I've been chopping wood in between the rain. A huge bee crash landed next to my wood pile and it was obviously knackered out. So I gave it some sugar water, the sun came out and dried it out and 20 mins later it buzzed away. Yay, go Mr. Bee!

Thought this would be a grumpy thread one for sure. The Mrs. doesn't want to wake up this morning. Rolls round to 12:30 and I finally get her jump started. At which point she says it's her mother's birthday and she'd like to send her flowers. Yeah, that's going to work out well. Interflora etc all say you can sod off. Discovered a florist about a mile away from mums, who's website also says sod off. You could try ringing them and see if you're lucky? Amazingly despite them closing in 20 minutes, the man from delmonte, he says yes. So a shout out to the flowerpot Whitby for saving me from driving to the coast.

Amazon prime is supposed to be get you out of the shit, will turn up tomorrow. Last couple of my orders it's been oh dear we fucked up, should be with you in a day or 3 or maybe next week. Doing a royal mail, it's late so fuck it. Bit mad that the on it's way but delayed one will be 3 days when you can go back on the site, order it again for next day and bin off the original.

Nigel the council noise man has a delightful way with words. He's been talking to my neighbour about the bastard AC. I have again strongly suggested that he get the company back and the units are taken off and put free standing in the garden. This was not met very well and even less so when I asked for a time frame. By coincidence* there is no AC tonight. Maybe genius next door is planning on laying low for a week and it will all go away magically.

Clamped the tailstock on my lathe, except it didn't lever has no resistance. Took it apart and the weld holding the cam bit on the shaft had failed. Which arse welded that? Oh, me, 15 years ago. Snotted it again and back clamping.

Vigorous also in Olli flavour...

Wow only 4p per serving! Hang on, serving size = one biscuit. What kind of pervert only eats one?