jakebullet

The Mrs's mother who ruined holiday by ghosting us has explained* what was going on. The cat she stole from further down the street has decided to shit all over the house, so we couldn't possibly have gone there. A: stop stealing cats. B: you could have said that when we was there rather than ghosting.

The Mrs's brother John is shagging his cousin. So be normal if he moved to Norfolk.

I haz been on holiday. Ruined by Mrs's parents who happen to live there. Last time we went it was the first time Mrs. had seen them in about 15 years. Super, marvellous, must do it again. Mrs has been telling mum that we're coming for a few weeks now on messenger. No reaction. Nothing to 10 decimal places. We're here! No reaction. Can we call n see you tomorrow? No reaction. Hmm. This is going well. Goes round, nobody home. No reaction again. In between the no reactions mad mum is sending random crap on messenger, but not you know answering questions. N I mean random. EG: This is an Hellicopter coming to land in Parkol Shipyard, Whitby, which is an unusual place to land. They had to deliver a special message. Er, something* tells me this wasn't recently. N you don't deliver urgent messages by helicopter, you phone people as it's actually faster..... As the Mrs has spent a fair chunk on shite for xmas I have another go at delivering it before going home. Dad opens the window, I say I've got this for you, he remotely opens the garage door, says put it in there and shuts the window. Possible he thought I was a random delivery bloke. Chuff knows what's going on with them, unless they've discovered drugs.

After last week's excitement* of tracing family tree we decided to go out and find some of the dead guys. We know which graveyard, we know the dates, how hard can it be? Very. Needs a strimmer to have any hope of getting down even any of the main paths. We got slightly piss wet thru and the Mrs. kind of fell down a foot in a sunken grave. Maybe try again...

XR2 clocks for only £790. Think I've got 2 sets in my shed, I'm quids in! https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/185695269944

2 1/4 power!

Went to the park yesterday, and the street is rammed with parking. Surely the church isn't that popular? No, but the competing church* next door is. Perhaps a slight mistake to put up a big banner that says "The contagious church"? Though maybe cults are contagious.

I'm an introvert. Constantly being talked at drains my batteries. So naturally the Mrs. is doing my head in, and I just want leaving the hell alone in QUIET! I put her video door bell up Saturday. She spent all Saturday night & Sunday morning chuntering about what she's going to say if crazy old bat next door manages to get the council to come and look at it. Council man will say this, and I'll say that chunter chunter chunter. Took her out to the countryside for walkies, and hopefully respite. Wrong. Man goes by on push bike and rings bell. Well why should she move? Chunter about cyclists for an hour. (This is after Eddie got knocked down on Friday crossing the road 'cos he has right of way and doesn't have to look. Blammo, hit by an E scooter. No good being in the right and injured). Took her for an ice cream, and the fucking bastards gave her a PLASTIC spoon. Chunter, banned, chunter. Then some random person said "Jesus Christ", so a good long chunter about that too. Lovely hours drive back constantly going on about spoon, Jesus, cyclists, door bell on a constant loop. I'm about to dump and run, when she decides she's scared and can I stay another night? FFS. She asks Alexa to play "dollar", and then every song asks "Alexa, who sings this?" After about 7 goes of Alexa saying "this is dollar", I snap and say it's dollar. It's always going to be dollar, that's what you asked for. We go to bed after another round of council man will say this, and I'll say...., for her then to accuse me of being nasty to her all night. Never have I felt so glad to escape this morning. Turned the radio off, just listened to the engine, peace....

Mrs. has started a war with the neighbouring flat. By putting up a door bell with video capability. We was having tea last night and could hear her dozy son shouting in the hallway "Cathy! You're invading our privacy! We're contacting the police!!!!" So the dozy fucks have decided it's recording their closed door and we're sat avidly watching for when she takes her empty gin bottles to the rubbish chute. Of course had they decided to be civilised and ask we'd be quite happy to demonstrate said door bell does fuck all until you press the button. It then transmits a live video to her phone, but doesn't save it. It's an amazon cheap piece of crap with bugger all functionality. Half expecting claims of well if the invisible man presses the button at the same time I'm coming out you'll be able to see into my flat. Why we're supposed to be interested in knowing she's going to the bin I don't know. Same woman that steals Cathy's plants 'cos it's not allowed to have a plant in case it causes a fire.....

I've been talking to the council man about the dog shit man further down the road. Council man wants to nobble him so has been thinking of schemes to use my evidence without attributing it to me. He's phoned up today to say he's issued him a £100 fine for dog fouling. Er, what about evidence? Oh I'll come up with something if he challenges the fine. Bonus is dog shit man thinks he's been grassed up by cunt next door. So my car should be safe from damage. Be hilarious if he starts a war with CND in revenge.

CND have upgraded* from a range rover sport to a disco 4. A cat S one that's had 6 owners in the last year. They're either mighty brave or mighty stupid.

Churchill? Ohhhh yes!

I suspect many know the phrase "You're good with computers" and the total despair that follows dealing with the terminally confused. I made the mistake of fixing the Mrs's mum's tablet when I was there so I am now the expert* Symptoms this time are, and I quote "There's something wrong with my google". Google what? Chuff knows. Last time it was "Messenger isn't letting me login", which turned out to be she'd somehow stored her facebook password as the wireless password, so big surprise it wouldn't let her connect to the wireless. She has three tablets, and basically uses one until it's fucked up, then when she kills all three some lucky mug gets to sort them out.

How can you doubt such a honest* chap. Not a remote chance that it's a boggo scrote replica.

Q plate RS turbo*, no keys, little bit of rust, Bradford innit. £5000 Bonus lols of a video walk round:

Sunny day so finally lanoguarded the disco. Place bets now on if it will work. Slight disappoint that in places the buzzweld paint is failing after 2 years. Suppose it's impossible to stop discos rusting, can only slow it down.

I'm having the weekend away, this time at a hut thing. They have a cinema* room. Watching toot last night and suddenly the power goes. Woman who owns place comes out with a torch n says sorry, there's a switch that if I switch it trips the power. It'll be back on soon. She's stood next to other halfs van. That says "Nigel's electrical contracting" in big letters. Confidence inspired.

You'd think "return to sender" would get him to stop. I may* have done it. Ma's seen Alan returning. N the dog eggs are going from CND's patch, so he's probably doing it too. I want to lanoguard the disco, but it's been dog egged all around which puts you off a bit* even though you've returned the eggs. Oh, and it reeks of jeyes fluid, as Ma is convinced it will repel dogs. Spoiler: it doesn't. Don't know if those ultrasonic things work. Could be next to try.

Had the man from the council dog fouling team phone up about mr. doesn't give a fuck & his shit machines roaming about shitting. He knew exactly who I was talking about, as he's been getting complaints for about 8 years from all over my estate. The official line is I fill in a form saying I've seen his shit machines shitting. They then issue him with a £100 fine. When he doesn't pay (Man says he never pays), council take him to court, and he gets a copy of the form with my deets, so he knows who's car to damage. He gets another conviction and pays it at 5p a week. That sounds less than ideal. Man agrees, and says he's an ignorant old git. Man suggests he will attempt to spot him walking around with shit machines, which will result in a fine as he never has poo bags / can be seen to let them shit everywhere. Man not looking forwards to this as last time he was assaulted with dog lead. I thank man and wish him luck.

I'm sick of the arsehole from 10 houses away who lets his dogs out to shit everywhere on a daily basis. Last time I trained* him with a bit of negative reinforcement, aka throwing his dog shite on his focus. I've also seen Alan taking his shovel full of shite for a walk, so he obviously likes a dog shit coated car. Tried a report to council with footage of his dogs roaming n shitting. Zero response / no further way to contact. Any top tips?

I feel bad for not doing anything, but what could I do? Was going out last night at 8pm, and cunts next door have just come back and are milling about in the street. They're also obviously pissed as fuck, so top quality drink driving. Trouble is if, n it's a big if, I could get plod interested I didn't see which was driving, and they would just claim they came back sober officer and have just got pissed in the last half hour.

Foxes don't carry saws. It's not been disturbed other than tree chopping.

2 weeks ago the Mrs's hamster died. We took her to a park and buried her near a small oak sapling in a random bit of woodland where nobody is likely to go. Peaceful like. Went back today and the sapling has been cut down. None of the others have just that one. In a 160 acre park. What are the fucking odds?

Just done a bizarro land prolific study. Company X makes a dehumidifier product. It sells better than other brands, but performs similarly. Some people like to compare products to people. Imagine the dehumidifier is called Curtis. Describe Curtis. ??????????? Decided to channel pulp fiction and said he was black, bald, doesn't look like a bitch. Wonder if I'll get my 20p?

Booked Ma a flu jab on the superdrug website. Went there today, 1 flu jab plz. We haven't got any vaccine, there's no pharmacist, and you haven't got an appointment. ~Shows email confirmation of appointment~ That's from the superdrug website, we don't use that. (??????????) Earliest we can offer is 10th October. What a shower of shit. So now playing the check every chemist in 5 mile radius game. We're not stupid enough to go to her docs after last time. Let's invite half the town to come at the same time, jam them inside to form a super spreader event for the 2 hour wait while they come out one at a time shouting "Gerald Ratner? Anyone here called Gerald?"