jakebullet

Had Ma kick off about the box in hall she wants taking to idiot sister's house. Contents: flat packed table & chairs, two person lift, fucking heavy. Been here months, as idiot sister has come up with the cunning plan of send all parcels here so she can fuck about freely while we deal with deliveries. So dragged the fucker on my own, dumped at sister's house. Ma angry 'cos what if I've damaged it? Who gives a fuck, should have collected it then. Told IS, stop sending shit here. She's pissed and coming up with bullshit that she's been trying to collect it for months but Ma won't let her. Yes, I know the solution and will be implementing it starting today. Parcel for Idiot Johnson? Nah mate, she doesn't live here. Return it to sender plz.

Just seen Alan (who had a skip delivered last week) taking a skanky old mattress for a walk* to dog shit man's yard. Top tip: Check for CCTV first.

Poor little lamb has been having a terrible day. I didn't mind read to drive her about. Then when she went to pay for car timing belt changing man told her engine isn't original to car and belt was about to pop. N he wants paying in Johnny Cash, when she has no actual money and was intending to bang it on credit card. But yeah, a fuck off would be reasonable, except as usual she doesn't communicate with me. It's all suggestions* to the Ma, n hope I do what she wants by remote control. Perhaps she'll learn to ask after having to walk home.

I've stayed an extra day at the Mrs's for an appointment. Just got back home, and I'm in the shit 'cos idiot sister wanted a lift to fetch her car. Er, nobody mentioned anything about IS to me. Yes, Ma knows I'm totally in the dark. But I should have come back pronto, just in case some halfwit who can't be arsed to drop a text message wants driving around. TLDR: I'm crap at mind reading.

Er, £5k for a stripped cat S? What use is this other than to put the id on a stolen one?

Ma in losing marbles shock. She has appointment at docs today. Just said best hurry it's at 10 to 1. Er I've got it in my phone as 10 past 1. Phoned docs, actually 20 past.

Already had the usual "I'm putting in for a transfer". Great idea. Swap flats from a floor with old people who are quiet to live next to some git who blasts trance all day & night in Armley. Try not to get stabbed when you go out.

Did a bit of digging on the planning portal for the student development of doom*. There's a clause in the planning that roof top garden is only in operation 9am to 10pm, and no music allowed. 2m high glass walls to be installed to stop suicides. Also noticed that there's no letter objecting to the development by mrs "going to chain herself to the bulldozers". Council report states that studios are below legal requirements for space, but it's only for students so fuck em. Suspect it's not wise to mention any of this to her.

The Mrs has gone batshit insane angry this weekend. This plot of land is being developed into student flats yesterday they knocked down 3 shit shops that was next to the other building which set her off. They're depriving the local community of valuable shops. Er there was 1 boarded up, a chippy that barely opened and a cafe that you never went to cos it was overpriced dishwasher. There's going to be 1000's of students living there. There is going to be a roof top terrace with a 24 hour disco on it. You won't be able to walk past without being hit with bottles, sick and suicide jumpers. The pub will be rammed with students and locals will have nowhere to go. Er we've been in it once in 9 years. It's a shithole. The co op won't be able to keep up with demand. The locusts will strip the shelves bare. Er you don't shop there either. Tldr kill all students.

Last time we got her some idiot plugs. Plug it in, led comes on and it's repelling elephants. But she's decided they're no longer working and the imaginary creatures are back

Came back from the angriest girl in the world's to discover Ma has volunteered me again. Idiot sister has a thing where she decides she has imaginary rat infestation. The kind that doesn't shit anywhere and isn't caught in traps because THEY DON'T EXIST. There is a hole in the wall of the house up near roof level where there used to be the overflow pipe from the header tank. Imaginary rat has got a grappling hook and is using this hole to get into loft area. I am tasked with catching this imaginary rat. Which is going to be hard when it doesn't exist. Or it could be a bat infestation! Are there any bats hanging from the rafters? Er, no...... there is nothing alive larger than a spider. To keep out imaginary creatures up to elephant size I'm going to have to expanding foam the hole. Yes, I know don't get involved, but option B is idiot will use Ma's money to get rentokill out, who will do even less work than usual for an extravagant fee.

I'm 50 in 3 weeks time and haven't considered buying an mx5 at all. Life really is screwed up

Going to be a long weekend. Came back to the Mrs's block of flats and there's a man in the car park with a fire going. Mrs wants to know why are you burning things near the parked cars? He's only* getting rid of documents. It all got rather shouty. We're now 2 hours in and she's still going over he said this, n I'm going to say that to the council. N about 500 different scenarios of what could happen if eg she sees him at the bus stop in future.

I got a bazillion messages how does she change arsebook password 'cos HACKERZ*, so I told her and she buggered off for a full day. Facebook are now saying that my old password is incorrect and I have used it for a very long time, I know it is right and Parry also does. So how do I get out of that one please?. Er, use the new password, the one you changed it to? I suspect she thinks you change password only for the device you've changed it on, and not all of them. Yes, trying to avoid further interaction with mad Jean.

Have you done other types of welding before? Could be a bit* of a steep learning curve if you're starting at nothing. Tig is a lot like electronic oxy-acetylene, but with the added fun of sharpening the electrode every 5 minutes until you learn not to bugger it up.

I love* being tech support for mad old bats. I keep getting told to turn all adverts off and my phone is overtaken by all adverts and a picture comes up on my screen of a man with a phone in is hands and i says you need to pay and he will clear all adverts but my phone becomes fully overtaken by all these adverts wanting me to agree to these adverts and click on them, and then you can get trapped into trouble. what i normally look for the skip advert on screen and that turns them off. So really we don,t need to pay to get adverts removed but, both parry and i think this is a way of getting people to agreen just to make money, parry says don,t agree so i won,t. Er, ok. I have had to change onto my other tablet because, the one I was using just will not let me in now at all. I REALLY THINK SOMEONE IS CREATING PROBLEMS ON MY COMPUTER AND MY PHONE. Last time ELITE HACKER was she entered & saved the facebook password into the wifi password field. Fairly sure android things are not that easy to take over, and why would you bother nobbling 3 different devices? She is probably on a numpty list, as I've seen romance scammers posting on her stuff. She also has a habit of friending / following anything that remotely mentions Jesus, TEH LORD etc. Wouldn't be that hard to get on her friends list with a carefully crafted Jesus post, and then to bang a load of shit her way so it appears on her facebook wall. But I can't get her to take a photo / screenshot so don't know what's really going on. Anyone recommend a remote desktop app I can get her to install so I can fix from here?

Spotted CND out in the rain taking photos of abandoned car, but with the headlights on. By jove he's cracked it! Nobody has been interested in the three months it's been for sale because they was worried the headlights don't work! Nothing to do with its a barried piece of shit 3k over priced. Maybe I should help* him by duplicating his advert with offers over £500 for cash tonight. That should get his phone ringing.

The Mrs's mother is causing problems again. We got ghosted when we went to Whitby, with the resulting previously mentioned blame it on the cat shitting excuse. Now she's not even bothered to send a crapmass card, so we've decided sod it, let her get on with it. Except sudden burst of enthusiasm, do we want to go there for a new year's meal, she's paying? Er, how about a resounding FUCK NO? Don't fancy driving to find Jesus has told her to ghost us again. It's difficult as she's clearly totally fruit loop. Some scammer only has to mention THE LORD, and she's on them like a rash. 'Cos anyone who says JESUS can't possibly be a bad person. Just hope she hasn't got online banking.

~Blurry lines as time rewinds 3 hours~ Ma announces she needs to buy some sprouts from the new m&s on the mega death rammed shopping park. Oh, great idea Ma, WCPGW? It's no chance. 30 minutes to get off our estate, and it's obvs there's a mile queue to get in to retail park. So I go do battle at morrisons as you can at least get in the car park and play find a space wars. Morrisons sold out of sprouts. 2 smoll co op and a budgens later and still no sprouts. Well that was a fun 3 hours.

Maybe they're hoping Darwin will sort them all out : https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-leeds-67758665

Mrs. Cunt next door has been upsetting little old lady who lives opposite. Came to her gate screaming n shouting that Hazel should park her car on her drive so Cunt can park outside Hazel's house. She has a big car and is entitled to that space, Hazel should keep it clear for her. Parking round here is not at insane levels. Hazel's drive is a twat to get out of, so I'd park in the street too. Fat fuck just doesn't want to walk an extra 10 yards. Nowt like being an entitled Karen.

Dewsbury innit.

It's death by chuntering today. Remember the post office doing all stamps must have a bar code? Well Ma sent off a shitload bought from the self service in the post office. Having moderate levels of chunter that they've not come back yet n it's shitmas n got to send a card to someone you met 40 years ago who's prolly dead by now. So goes in post office, huge queue. Goes on self serve machine.......... which spits out stamps identical to ones sent off without bar code. Ahead, chunter factor 5! She grabs the minder and accuses him of selling invalid fake stamps. Oh no madam, they're perfectly valid. He then gets it with both barrels why did she have to send hers off then and when are they coming back? It's 5 hours later and she's still chuntering about it.

Hey it's snowed! This may be why the flats fancy air source heating system has gone totally tits up. Again. Everyone has a booklet with deets of who to ring when it goes wrong. You would think 100 flats without heat or hot water would be a priority, but it's more a game of make it someone else's problem. The council, system installers, and the peeps who do the billing are all saying it's the other lots responsibility. It's the council on the weekends, but when they're not answering the phone, what are you supposed to do?

Yes we're well aware she could be off with the fairies with the cat story. Since had a load of flannel about how good I am for Cathy, how we are perfect* together n what a shame they didn't see us this time. Plan going forwards is don't tell them when we're at the coast. If we feel madness is lower meet on our terms. The Jesus factor goes up when she's losing marbles so easy to judge.