Futuramic

Pretty much anywhere cars are used. The film Sideways is an example. I enjoyed the film; it's about a wine tasting trip through California. The protagonist drives a Saab 900 drop head (classic one).

Nothing wrong so far. There's a sequence where he is supposed to be driving along and doing a crossword puzzle at the same time. It's funny. He rests the newspaper on the steering wheel. The dashboard is fully in shot for a second or two and it is clear that all the instruments are reading zero. The engine is off. Cut to outside of car bowling along freeway.

Still a good film though.

I watched it; found it sporadically amusing but nothing more. It wasn't as good as previous episodes.

Unfortunately modern television, across the spectrum, suffers from the concept of mass market economics. In the old days it was perfectly acceptable to make a programme that catered to a minority of the audience and existed wholly to serve them. They were the principles upon which the BBC was built, presumably according to Lord Reith. Remember the cheapo documentaries of thirty years ago? I wasn't even born back then but have seen the re-runs and they were interesting in the right context. I'd like one about industry or commerce but bored by ornithology. So I wouldn't bother with the bird watching. However I would recognise the fact that others may be interested in such a show so would accept its right to exist.

Moving forwards. We still make cheapo documentaries but dress them up as entertainment programming. The subject matter has become more generalised and there are potentially fewer themes under discussion but the concept has fundamentally altered. Masterchef would be a prime example. I have never seen it all the way through but understand it is supposed to be a serious examination of top end cooking. But it is not. It is a game show loosely involving food. This appeals to a wider audience, who like game shows but have never been to a Michelin starred establishment, but removes some of the core content. The same goes for the endless raft of identikit music, dancing and how to buy a house type programmes.

Thus Top Gear. Cars are a minority interest. Most people have them but they are simply used as tools. Currently they are not considered to be a trendy thing to be an expert on; certainly not in the eyes of the media. Everyone pertains to know something about cookery or music production; simply because television tells them they should. Cars; no. So there is no great variety in the type of programming covering this subject area. The only thing available, really, is Top Gear. I discount Fifth Gear because it's boring.

So in order to appeal to a mass market, rather than providing in depth analysis for a few, they turn it into a fairly generic entertainment magazine programme. Simple really.

tottie by paul.bottomley, on Flickr

 

I take back my earlier comments!

I'd give her a cock up.

Ha ha ha.

My first comments were tongue in cheek. But dare I mention drag racing? I turned up at the Pod in a Nissan Bluebird and they asked me if I wanted to race. No insurance or high costs involved. No helmets or special licences; just puttering sedately up the strip. And if it blows up they don't care. I think a RWYB autoshite day could be great fun. I've been a few times and there are brave souls with old bangers just there for fun.

It goes like this:

Get new job and move back in at home - DONE

Move a load of stuff to my lockup and make it suitable to work on the GP100 -DONE

Realise I have no interest in said GP100 - DONE

Fix up bike and get MOT - TO DO

Sell GP100 bike at profit - TO DO

Clear out lockup to make space for car - TO DO

Buy new and proper shite car (rough sixties or early seventies saloon please) - TO DO

Get rid of BMW and obtain reasonable everyday car - TO DO Urgently

Trackdays? Seriously?

Surely a proper shite daytrip would evoke the youth we are all slipping away from; dragged down the path of age by time's unstoppable force etc. Back in the old days a run out meant loading blankets and maps into the Family 2 propelled Cavalier and headong on to a motorway laden with richer families trying to force their way through our oil smoke. The destination would always be some disappointing beauty spot followed by cold tea in a draughty cafe and a foray into a creaky gift shop to buy a pencil. The return journey would require the assistance of an AA beavertail and always result in being home too late to watch television. That's a shite day out and an experience we should seek to recreate. As an aside, grandmother Futuramic - now rather dead- possessed the single worst souvenir trinket I have ever laid eyes upon. It was from Matlock. Perhaps we should begin there.

Seriously; I think a day out involving something car related could be fun and I'd go. If it were a weekend.

Further research has shown that I can add the Mazda 6 to this list. The budget even covers the 2.3 SPORT version. This has added OMG SPORT and is probably the most powerful in the line-up. Unless I can find an Accord Type S or V or something.

Greetings all, and merry Christmas.

That's the festive bit out of the way; the rest of this is shite. Not autoshite really.

I have a new job. Hooray for me. It only took about eight months and several hundred applications; but finally someone recognised that my five years' experience in claims administration may make me an ideal, I don't know, claims administrator? Maybe? Others thought not.

This also means a new commute. This means a new car. This is where I need help. The new car shall ideally be a five door hatch or four door saloon and Japanese. I like Japanese cars. They work. My other stipulation is for a manual gearbox. I don't like automatics.

The commute is 200 miles per week. This means that a diesel is not really necessary; the modern ones are too complex for my liking and my natural home is spark ignition thus a two litre petrol is the ideal choice; blending simplicity with economy and power. I wouldn't go for a smaller engine. The budget is £2000 (max though £1500 will be better). I will buy on condition over age and favour a low mileage example. I don't give a flying flip what colour it is or what the seats are made of. I have done some research and purchase of such a car is eminently possible. I have compiled a short list:

Toyota Avensis Mk1 VVTi - Current front runner. I have driven a Carina a couple of times and liked it; the upgraded version has to be better. Tough engine and cam chain.

Nissan Primera 2.0 litre. I have driven one of these and found it agreeable. It was an old one, however, and I'm looking for a newer car. The Mk2 is a possibility but I just don't like the styling of the Mk3 (weird one). I don't think I could live with it. And most are either 1.8 slowcoaches or 2.2 diesel time bombs.

Honda Accord 2.0 Vtec. I have no idea what this is like. Looks nice and plenty for the money.

Lexus IS200. Has the most appeal being both OMG RWD!! and haz straight six. I can't imagine the fuel economy is going to be as good as the others and the brand cachet attracts a price premium.

Mitsubishi Galant. A rare beast. Rare for a reason? Again I know nothing about these cars.

So there's the short list. I am open to other suggestions.

I would ask on Pistonheads but they'd say "Those cars are gay. Buy a man's car like an MX5".

Please help me choose. I just want a reliable car to last a few years.

Bumping this thread up a bit, just bactually look at the age of some of the vans from UPS. Recently I saw an N reg'd Merc based fugly van still being used by them. Clearly there isn't much profit in it, and they are one of the biggest parcel firms in the world.

Interesting point Felly; but I have heard a probably apocryphal story about those. They were coach built for UPS on Mercedes 308 running gear; however rather than scrapping they recycle bits from old ones at a depot somewhere thus a fleet of variously rebuilt vans are kept running for much longer than normal. Almost like the old Checker cabs in New York - they lasted for years by being almost fully re-built every decade or so. Shows the benefits of separate chassis and simple mechanicals I suppose. Plus I think the UPS vans have alloy bodies so there really isn't any reason why they should be scrapped young.

 

They were less successful with their copy of the BMW Mini.

 

Lifan 320

I'm not sure it was the BINI they were copying, it looks like the pre-Landcrab prototype!

That appears to be an enlarged Daihatsu Sirion with added gash factor.

There's no point cutting the military budget - it's tuppence ha'penny as it is. Better to actually claim the tax back off Goldman Sachs, Vodafone et al., that they've been let away with. That's a fuck sight more than £28mil for a start...

 

 

According to this, it's considerably more than 2.5p. In fact, it's more like 3670000000000p, bigger than the education budget and over 3 times the transport budget. And the DVLA closures are trying to save less than a thousandth of that!

 

[Off-topic, but that site is very interesting. Doesn't anyone else think that SIX FUCKING BILLION is a bit much for running the system of the Law Courts, especially considering that you have to pay for most civil claims?]

Law Courts, by which you mean those that hear criminal cases I presume, are the most bloated, sickly, cancerous money wasting machines to blight the face of our fair nation. Everyone, everywhere has the god given right to have some trumped up criminal charge pushed through the police and, eventually, court system. Have you heard the news report about making "mental abuse" a crime? Much as degradation of women is abominable; this proposal is legal insanity. The mouth breathers and shit eating lampreys from the bottom of the social fish tank can potentially have their pathetic disputes "he called me a slag" recorded as crimes and processed as domestic violence incidents by the police. With positive action mantras, such as one finds in Essex, arrests will be made! For what? The courts exist mainly as a forum for law school graduates to let rip with their nice accents about nothing that matters to anyone outside. They will be made even worse by such nonsense. It clearly is the right wing trying to display a contrived and shop bought soft side to create an illusion of caring.

Anyway.... It's a shame about the DVLA offices. Unemployment is up again and the government see fit to cut a large number of jobs. Jobs that are required, self evidently, by the immense usage of the local offices. I've had to wait for ages in Ipswich and Chelmsford is also busy.

Just take a moment to think about it; if you are of average intelligence, honest and hardworking, of smart appearance, own a car or van and have a mobile phone, then you could EASILY be making £950 plus per week. That’s at least £4,000 per month and almost £50,000 per year! Is that enough? Well, it’s here for the taking.

SCAM!!

I shall re-write it as the truth: If you are of above average intelligence, hardworking, wear Armani jeans, own an Audi and have a variety of pay as you go mobile phones, then you could EASILY be making £1-2000 per week simply by selling crack cocaine. Is that enough? No? Then branch out into heroin or contact our office for our sister guide "How to start a meth lab with some glass bottles and a heater".

No-one earns fifty grand by just driving a van about all day. I, and everyone else would, if it were possible.

Yep, that has a wonderful air of faded class, you'll fit right in at the (council run) golf club on a Sunday morning.*

 

Your mention of misfiring cylinders reminds me of a story told me by a friend who bought a yank tank which was only firing on seven. Upon inspection he found there was a lump of wood wedged into the eighth plug hole. This was duly removed and a shiny new plug and lead fitted. Starting the engine blew the sump off (there might be a bit of exaggeration here to make the story more interesting). Dismantling of the engine revealed that not only was there no plug but a complete absence of piston and con rod as well.

 

*I have no real idea if this is true it is just the way my imagination works.

Possibly dressed up a tad. No piston would have meant no compression, or indeed induction when the pushrod opened the intake. There would have been no sump smashing explosion. The bit of wood is believable; though it would have probably been glued in.

Yep, that has a wonderful air of faded class, you'll fit right in at the (council run) golf club on a Sunday morning.*

 

Your mention of misfiring cylinders reminds me of a story told me by a friend who bought a yank tank which was only firing on seven. Upon inspection he found there was a lump of wood wedged into the eighth plug hole. This was duly removed and a shiny new plug and lead fitted. Starting the engine blew the sump off (there might be a bit of exaggeration here to make the story more interesting). Dismantling of the engine revealed that not only was there no plug but a complete absence of piston and con rod as well.

 

*I have no real idea if this is true it is just the way my imagination works.

Possibly dressed up a tad. No piston would have meant no compression, or indeed induction when the pushrod opened the intake. There would have been no sump smashing explosion. The bit of wodd is believable; tough it would have probably been glued in.

It's not snowing at either end of the A Dozen. It was a bit cold earlier when I did some gardening (clearing up mess that Fatha Futuramic claims to be too busy to sort even though he works fewer hours than me). But no snow. Bah.

Thread drift - my mate lives in Anneka Rices childhood home!

Her young adult residence would be better. Assuming they never washed the sofa cover....

My Old Peugeot 306 1.8 Merdian by Trigger's Retro Road Tests!, on Flickr

 

This is my old one which i owned about 5 years ago, I always fancied one, I thought (and still do) that they are a great looking car, my one went like shit of a shovel as well but it wasn't without it's faults, the rear speakers never worked but worse of all was that the passenger door was starting to fall off!, The metal work around the hinge on the A post had started to split so the door would click when you opened and shut it, Not good.

 

Lovely car though and the HDi is really the cream of the crop.

I take it that was the 1.8 16 valve. I had the same engine in a Xantia and that flew. Passengers always commented on how quick it felt. Probably not that fast overall but certainly nippier than it looked, or indeed should have been. Nice and revvy too. Yours looked to be in wonderful condition.

Shame they never put the 110 Hdi in the 306. It's a great engine. I still hanker after a Xantia with one. Either that or the 2.1 Td semi electronic. Bliss.

I agree about the door loom. I had a Xsara Coupe for a very short period (before the terminal disaster induced by a woman attempting to drive a car) and it suffered the same issue. Except being the high spec it was even worse. The driver's door had a microswitch built in to instruct the auxiliary ECU whther it was open or shut. This worked intermittently. When it failed the car thought the door was closed when open causing complete failure of the following:

Headlights on warning chime

Key in ignition warning chime

Remote locking system

Alarm and immobiliser

Boot

That was the worst. The death of one switch prevented all access to the boot. It owuld not open remotely; either by the internal switch or remote key. Useless!

I understand your enthusiasm though; it was a great car to drive and the 110 BHP Hdi engine was willing. The 306 is similar.

Here's what I discovered today with my BX's fuel filter housing. Yuck!

Presumably the previous owner mixed up his Chinese takeaway leftovers and used black bean sauce instead of veg oil.

Oh dear, where do I start....

 

BMW E46 Coupe - Vile peices of shit mostly driven by prententious angry little office boys who think they are above everyone. These particular BMWs seem to be void of anything resembling 'handling' gearchange is like a stick in dried mud as is pick up.

 

Jaguar XJ8/R Sport - Never liked these after testing a couple of them that came to our garage. Ride wasnt that good and the interior just seemed really cheap.

 

Rover 800 Vitesse Turbo/Sport - I've never really got the point of these. The ride is harsh, the suspension set up is a joke and 17' alloys they are often found sitting on just look desperate, they kind of remind of an old man in a neat tuxedo/suit shod with trainers and a baseball cap trying to act cool.

 

Subaru Impratza - Often seen driven by wannabe gangsters/council estate kings/Essex Police. Drove one that we had in. Very quick but - crap ride, cheap interior, not wonderfully interesting to look at.

 

All of these are my own opinion.

 

Oh yeh, and I think there was a similar thread here

 

With you all the way on the Vitty and Superpoo ImpressHer, but can't agree with you on the E46. Still, meat, poison etc.

Interesting. I've driven an E46, not a good one mind, but it was an E46. It just didn't feel as nice as my E36. The E36 was perhaps the last of the old fashioned BMWs; badly equipped but fun to drive and had numerous quality touches like metal control stalks and a satisfying clunk from the central locking. It is as I always imagined a German car should be. The E46 didn't feel anywhere near as planted or confident near the limit. In fact it felt like an ordinary car. The fact that it was RWD was not that obvious. I noticed this when I drove a 1 Series too. All were four cylinders. An E46 330i may be a different matter and I shall reserve judgement until I've been in a decent one.

Huge lols* were had this afternoon when I found a5 trying to start this. I'll have a proper go at it in the morning!

 

*I promised I wouldn't say why.....

 

just becasue the fuel pump wasnt connected, or the fuel lines connected to the tank, and i was running a pipe from a can to the return line, why wouldnt it start?

Obviously duff HT leads. Replace the HT leads and it'll be fine.

I only saw the aftermath of this; but it was funny for passers by.

A man, and his nineties type VW Golf, had gone shopping for fence panels. Such an item would be too large for his hatchback so he thoughtfully fitted a roofrack. He bought one of the cheapo type made of single layer rough sawn timber with 1x1 battens. He put it on top of the car. For safety's sake he tied it down.

Anyone would have used string. This man, wanting to go one better, deployed a set of orange ratchet straps. This put the fence panel under significant tension. As I drove past he had stopped and switched his hazards on. He was standing by the car with his head in his hands looking comprehensively defeated. The panel had, upon the car going over a bump presumably, rended itself into worthless planks. Half of it had fallen over the windscreen and the rest on the roof. There were other bits of wood all over the road.

It's a scam. I have spoken at length to somebody who fell for a similar thing involving a VW Camper Van. The words "tool" and "complete" can be applied to this man. He asked to go and see it. They said no. He wired them a few grand's worth of his parents' money anyway. He never heard anything again.

No shiter, or indeed anyone who knows the value of classic cars, would even entertain that.

I know that there's already a discussion concerning how much we dislike other road users and their vehicles. Such as black BMWs and blue sidelights. Which is nothing at all like my black BMW with blue sidelights; but I digress.

Anyway good or amusing things happen on the roads each day so here's our chance to brighten up Auto Shite with good news from the two lane blacktop.

Here's mine. This started off as a bad incident. I was approaching a junction on a fast country road. I was going quickly. A green MG ZT (the big Rover 75 based one) estate had stopped and should have given way. The law of the new reared up and he decided that his, the more expensive car, had right of way. I shall explain that the law of the new requires any driver of a car bought more recently than others in the vicinity to bully them in creative ways. A classic is to overtake on a dual carriageway and then immediately slow down.

Or in this case aggressively barge out in front of my speeding coupe. I stood hard on the middle pedal and avoided stoving in his tailgate but it was close.

And then it got good. His car had a "1.8 turbo". I read this off the bootlid as I finished up a few inches away from it. In his panic he welded his accelerator to his Halfords overmat and induced the turbo part of his 1.8. Unfortunately such hooliganism was enough to blow his oil seals. Upon spool up the car belched out a dense and sustained fog of grey sufficient to blur the whole road. It began sputtering and was last seen pulling off into a convenient farmyard. Justice was done.

You appear to have outdone yourself. Where exactly is that? I might have to take a drive out there.

Appears to be a Winnebago style body on a purpose built chassis. Those things had a fearsome spec when new. Better than most English houses in 1980. As for the engine it's probably a de-tuned 455 Chevy connected to a three speed auto. That would be worth DOLLAR. Some of the later ones had Cummins diesels; but I'd guess at that being petrol. Nothing but a big block was strong enough in those days.