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Everything posted by Crispian_J_Hotson

  1. It's looking healthy again pal. So would help with those doors but South yorks? Really? Can't you move closer? 😄
  2. Today'z task: Jump in shed and make inventory of Jaag parts. Then I transferred that scrawl into digital format and made a print out. Man, I've got some work to be getting on with! I also found* a gizmo I bought a while back to try and read faults on the X200. Like the discovery, a normal sub 500 quid reader won't do it because it's some weird and early OBD shit. The pack wasn't cheap and I tried it before once on my home laptop and couldn't communicate with the car. Now I have an old work laptop with more brains kicking around doing nothing, I thought that I'd give it another shot. I still don't entirely understand it! Here's a link to a process of your interested. https://www.jaguarforum.com/threads/jaguar-ids-sdd-virtual-images-for-125-130-128-easy-install.108460/ So I've got XP running and can open the v130 file. My car should use v125 which isn't available and it's a really grey, almost black area as to it working with v130. There is no definitive answer. The issue I had last time was that the programme would not identify and run on the supplied diag lead. Tomorrow I'm gonna see if I had made any cock ups last time and try to run a diag on it. I tell you now that it won't work. I had to get a dedicated reader for the discovery, they don't do one for this... Some advertise the model year is covered but change their tune later in the description by 'forgetting' to cover those early years which leaves it down to a stab in the dark and a hope for the best. That could end up more expensive that parts darts! Any input from someone with a bit of experience in reading early OBD in today's world would be just great! I'll also be continuing the messing about with electrics theme tomorrow by hard wiring my shed which has been running off of an exceptionally safe, exposed to the elements and footfall lead for the last 2 years.
  3. Instead of going for a blast down the motorway, couldn't you just drive everywhere in first gear ? ¿🙃
  4. What, wait... Lemme go get my maga hat!!!
  5. Create a front page belter to stir up public Kaos?
  6. I've just learnt that Andromeda is going to collide with our milky way in 4 billion years time. In light of this, I've started to stockpile toilet roll.
  7. Was totally unaware this thread existed and I've read it from the start. Love the little 'as it happens' vids. Gotta say, I take me hat off to you pal. It's no easy task, especially with older pre face lift cars and parts availability. It is essential that we keep these great British products alive so that we can show future world generations our abilities in design, technology and our determination to produce the best motor.... Let's just keep them alive. Special big up to your missis for letting you get on with it. Mine makes me feel like I'm planning to have an affair everytime I even hint about thinking of picking up a spanner.
  8. Mental m9. Thought I was going to get some qwaliti tinker time but now I've got a house full that'll demand my attention. May have to go sneak out right now and stealthily remove something to disable the discovery. That way it won't start for the missis and I can turn it into some massive issue which can't be found and one which could potentially* spread to the Jag. That should get me 2 weeks unhindered...
  9. I tip waste cooking oil into the kids pull-ups in the bin. Soaks it in just great. I can imagine in 590 years time during a landfill archeological dig they find one and proceed to explain how it's evidence of the high fat diet consumed by children around the turn of the century.
  10. My missis asked what my resolutions were. I told her that the 635 will be made to work and usable, reinstating at least 16% confidence that it can do a journey without some random system no one's ever heard of or worked on exploding in the most mind boggling way. If it won't have it then I will call time on it. One last push is all it's getting. I also want to get a drive put in which isn't as straight forward as it sounds. So she said "is that it, just car stuff?" She's been in a mood ever since. I found my 2017 resolutions at the back of the kitchen shit drawer... There's 5, none have been achieved. The land rover needs some love but keeps going and the Jag makes me smile 89.2% of the time. No need for new cars this year.
  11. A lot have been bad. Just shagged out really. 1) A reg metro auto didn't even make it back from the sale. All drive lost. Bought for £25 daan the pub M8. Sold for £0. Police squashed it (I hope) 2) C reg astra GTE. Cool car, lasted 2 weeks before buzzing it's ECU. Found collection of ECUs in the spare wheel well. Bought for £100 daan the other pub m9. Sold for £0 stolen by gypsies. (Shell was found on their site once they had moved off) 3) R reg Mondeo. Bought as low mile engine doner. Clean car. Plate had been doubled with something in London so I got all the tickets and there was absolutely nowhere to put anything on or in the dash without it flying out the window at the first bend. Bought for £300 ebay, sold for £0, engine and electricals removed, shell given away free to good* home. 4) Current 635csi. Hateful thing insists on being broken, good parts are hard to find, unjustifiably expensive or junk, ride is horrible, it eats tyres, steering is as soggy as a wet marshmallow and rot appears out of nowhere. It literally destroys itself before your very eyes. I cannot fathom why I insist on keeping it, but to get rid of it would be like shooting my pet cat. Bought for £1500 daan the cafe somewhere in hackney from someone I hardly knew.
  12. Polo number 2 (technically number 3 but polo 1 never made it onto the road, legally anyway) It was one of those strange VW derby reface, rebadged things with a boot that was completely useless because the seats wouldn't go down so once I got my toons in there, there wasn't any room for serious things like golf clubs or... Luggage perhaps. I cant even remember how I got the thing but it was very clean and orange. At the time, around '92 or something I had a girlfriend who decided going to university in Birmingham of all places would be a good idea, something about a successful future or some such. This initially got my goat up as it was about 700 miles away and we all know what goes on at those places. But I looked at my orange polo shaking my head and thought, I can make this work. So, we agreed that we'd meet up every, yes, every weekend. I got to know that polo well, especially the drivers seat. So for a few months I would pull off of my parents driveway, point it somewhere towards Birmingham, bury the accelerator for what seemed like 6 hours and arrive at the university. This went great for a while. Later I found, leaving straight from work on a Friday got me there just in time for the first round of cheap lager and snakebite, awesome, except one Friday morning the Orange M1 express wasn't happy. She was blowing chunks, water, oil and some other crap was oozing from a pipe or 2. At work, a quiet day, I enlisted the aid of some colleagues to help diagnose it's failings. The head gasket... Well, that was gone, somewhere. The replacement turned up at 4pm. I was leaving at 6. It's an easy engine to work on, a degrease, HG swap and quick fluid change in two hours? It's tight, but using air tools? Now that's got to work. So I tore the thing down, it sounded like an F1 pit crew for an hour, of course there was other bits to deal with too but at 5.30 I just finished gunning the head on, oil water, start... Boom. Hit the road at 6.17. It went well but was never quite right after that, I just don't know why. I even fitted a coke bottle oil catch can to stop the oil from flooding out the carb, of course, once you park up, see oil dripping down the wheel well, you know the can is full and just simply tip it back into the engine, that car used no oil. Very impressive. Then about two months later, the inevitable happened, things were looking rocky, the long distance relationship was taking a hit. In a fit of frustration I went to Birmingham to iron some issues out. I pushed that car to nearly 200mph all the way, well, I say that... I think I got as far as Newport pagnall when all the dash lights came on in the fast lane at about 90. Enraged, I tried bumping it, and again, and again etc. She had flames shooting out from the bonnet vents, bangs, pops, more flames.... I gave up as she slowed to 50 and coasted it to a safe spot in the darkness. I used one of those SOS boxes, the police weren't helpful but as luck would have it this time I had a mobile, a Motorola with a pulley up aerial, still smelt new, very snazzy. Out of the 7 numbers in my phone book I called my grandad.... Good old grandad (my dad was skint, mum was on emergency electric so I just knew). He had a few quid and it was no problem to lay out £210 for recovery. 17 hours later a truck turned up. It's fucked m9, don't bother getting dirty I said. Where too? Asked the driver. Well, this is the plan. My work had a depot in Birmingham. That's the obvious choice. Tow it there, dump it, get a cab to uni, shout a bit, make up sex, get pissed. The weekend is saved. That actually went exceedingly well and to plan. The next day, hungover obviously, I borrowed some history students bicycle and endured a ride through the city centre to my works northern brother. They were quite accomodating, helped push the battered heap in, lent me tools and I saw the issue after 5 minutes. The cam belt had lost its teeth at the crank. Ooof. With nothing to loose, I ordered a belt which got delivered by the time I was putting the phone down, slapped it on, shut the bonnet, said cheers, squashed the bike in the back and drove it to the uni. Dumped the bike, had a cup of... well, it was supposed to be tea and left Birmingham. That car went all the way home. About two weeks later it developed* an annoying idle issue where it kept surging. Terribly embarrassing at traffic lights so I sold it to someone who actually wanted it for £50. As far as I know, it's still going.... Probably not.
  13. In the early days of my driving career* I always managed to end up with some sort of shagged out polo, MK1 or 2. They were cheap and easy and I couldn't afford a golf or nova. My first one let me down back in the early 90's. At that time I was usually the only one that hadn't smashed my car to bits out of my friend circle and one night had the fortunate task of carting several reasonably good looking birds into town. Of course, I looked smart and smelt fresh but my ride was a touch better than getting the bus. I thought I'd take the long way into town to the club, croozin in my 1.0, full of fluff. That was until I got on the one way system and enthusiastically hung a right, straightening the steering I realised that the juice pedal was not moving those horses anymore and my face was illuminated with all the ignition lights. Yup, she'd stalled. I styled it out by coasting to the kerb nice and calm after a couple of inconspicuous attempts at turning the key and realising she wasn't turning over, and dropped collection of pretties off about 20 yards from our destination. One of them suggested that I could of got a bit closer but I made my excuses as in fact, no I couldn't. I had to use a phone box because mobiles were 90 billion pounds and weighed about the same and I had to rather embarrassingly get my dad to pay to join me to the AA for a tow. 17 hours later a truck turned up, a bloke had a look under the bonnet, I explained the series of events and he tried to turn the engine over by hand, which it wouldn't. He towed it to a VW dealer and we dumped it there just as daylight was breaking through. Unbeknown to me because I had passed out having been awake for what seemed like 2 weeks, my old man had taken a call from the dealer who wanted to know why I had deposited a pile of crap outside their shiny car salesroom. He had authorised a diagnostic... Bad move... By everyone in fact except the dealer who rang up a week later saying 2 pistons had gone through the block and they would like 170 million pounds to fix it or pay 10 million and pick it up as is. Well, I didn't have 10 million pounds so done the responsible thing and just forgot about it. About a year later a letter arrived from some angry people acting on behalf of the dealer demanding the price of a small island in the tropics for storage. So, being a pillar of the community and a generally stand up type of guy I decided that the best way to deal with this issue was to sell it to someone I didn't like very much for £11, provided they pick it up from VW. Which they did. Turns out they bought my MK1 for parts on their MK2, nothing fitted so they cut it up. The end, but not the end of my polo capers as my next polo proved to be a real trooper and quite indestructible.
  14. I've bought the car into 2021! Hazzah! It's not moved much since it's deployment into commuting service some months back. The odd run here and there perhaps, just to keep the battery alive and interior dry but that was until a couple of days ago when I decided to take it for a shot down the M11 and clear some frozen cobwebs out of those pipes. Wow, the smell of catalyst only usually emitted from paper shop run giffer mobiles was well and truly present at full steam speeds. Having collected my human cargo which formed a third of my allowed childcare bubble, we set back on the old two five, headed for M11 north and destined for a slightly less infected area. It was at this change of main artery that I think I saw, and in my mind's eye, and possibly a reflection from somewhere, an orange warning light appear. I looked at this great British built vehicles 1999 information technology screen (a green dot matrix about 1" by 2") but there was just the range showing 109 odd miles left in the tank... Hmmm. The journey continued and up by Harlow, a message did pop up accompanied by its orange warning light friend: Failsafe engine mode. This was a new one and probably quite serious, but it was still moving forward at motorway speeds and no one wants to be stranded at Harlow, I lived there once, you'll come back to your broken car after searching for hot food and half of it is missing, or broken, or both, or it has just completely vanished. I digress. A little way further, the message and light go out. You'd be led to thinking that ' it was just a blip', I had just chucked a load of super in it from normal fuel, maybe, just maybe it got a bit upset? As soon as that thinking was over, the message returned! Godamm.... Oh, it's gone again... This little show continued for the entire journey and I noted a couple of things: 1) it only happened at around 2000 rpm sort of. B ) I could no longer smell the cats, was that good or bad? Obviously smelling cats is bad, any type of cats, exhaust or feline but it wasn't that horrible sulphur egg, make you not want any chicken by-product for a week smell, it was that lovely sweet smelling 'I'm protecting the environment with my fully functional cats that haven't been used a lot' smell. Something wasn't right... Or was it? Who knows? At home, the first thought was to correctly diagnose the fault. So i looked for 6cylinders phone number to see if a refund or any compensation was viable. I didn't. What I actually did was ignore it and get drunk, ready to see the new year in. Today, I took half the household out to a muddy field and walked a few miles. On the way there, jag boy wasn't playing nice. The warning message was on and off like an old sex shop neon, and just as distracting. It seemed that every time I slightly pressed the power pedal the engine so very slightly changed it's tune and the message would Pop up. Releasing the pedal saw normal service resume. Totally different characteristics from my M11 experience. It would seem that my years working for Citroen had taught me something: there may well be a Gremlin going to work on the electronics. I thought backwards... When I initially got in the car to collect my human, I was surprised at how damp it was inside, despite my carefree efforts to keep it dry. I stared at a drip of water on the windscreen in my line of sight for most of the journey, seeing how long it would take the de-mister to see it off (these M11 runs can be quite boring). After our mud plugging session, I got on the googleator. 99Jag stype- damp electrics- failsafe engine... You have to put the year in, be specific with it because everyone has forgotten about the X200 and the entire interweb rolls in X202's nowadays. There is a good reason for that though. I got a nice result back on Google. This in fact: https://m.gendan.co.uk/article_24.html That link just smelled of success. So I went out to the car, unplugged the pedal, blew in the connector a few times and of course, with one blow for luck, reconnected it. Drove down the M11, dropped human off and drove back up the M11 and not once, not once did the message appear. And that is how you do a really long post about taking a plug out and putting it back in. Thanks. Next up... Probably nothing for another 6 months.
  15. Slipped through the DVLA? WW2 Fan*? Not great, just odd.
  16. If I didn't have the jaag or land rover... Wood. 2 is pushing it but 3 beautiful British cars from that special* era is over the red line. Looks sharp, well shitted.
  17. Mine doesn't have parking sensors. It does have lots of faint 'rub' marks on the bumper paint instead. I bought a mop and all the gear and even all that has sat on a shelf unused. What doesn't help at the moment is the garden exploding out of control with life every week, stealing any spare minutes I have!
  18. Thanks for reading. What with the current world wide pandemic, the emergence of lots of work and with no time to complete anything, the Jag is rarely being used which is GR8 as it keeps the mileage down. Plus it's well due a service and all the bits are in the shed ready to go. Finding the time when it's not raining is difficult. It's being used once a week for local runs which is keeping the battery alive and I reckon the front shocks are knackered because the tell tale irregular wear is showing on the front tyres, I can thank London for finishing those off! Excellent car to just get in and have a drive though. Get yours fixed... Do it today!
  19. If you fed a dog bananas and glitter for 2 days, it would produce this dreamy colour...
  20. I reckon they've got the stance on this just right. Wuud. Wait....
  21. For some reason, this reminds me of an old cartoon where a character saws a circle in the floor and then falls through it. But I guess it does take all sorts to make a world and life is busy. Having worked on air springs I understand how it could go wrong so easily and with terrible consequences, so if you are thinking of repairing your saggy motor car then just spend a few minutes covering how you intend to do it. https://www.hse.gov.uk/safetybulletins/air-suspension-systems-on-vehicles.htm?utm_source=govdelivery&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=coronavirus&utm_term=alert-1&utm_content=mvr-12-jun-20
  22. Been purchasing sacrifices to throw at the Jaag godz. This includes all the other door locks. The drivers lock has decided to break again and not unlock after auto locking, meaning I have to open the window and unlock with the key to get out! This looks chav and is a bleedin nuisance. What else... window regulator to replace the wrong one fitted in the drivers door (suspect someone has stuffed a later type in there), the rear window regulator repair kit (O/S/R is now permanently off the runner), front suspension bushes, Genuine Jaag big service stuff and two goodyears for the back being put on tomorrow. I've got about a Monkeys worth of parts floating about for this, I really need to get them on!
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