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GrumpiusMaximus

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Everything posted by GrumpiusMaximus

  1. My partner's Dad is a jammy sod. He's been faffing about for ages looking at cars and wanting the Moon on a stick. A good-condition Alfa for less than 4K, of a certain age, etc. Git only found himself one. One of his mates found an '06 Plate 147 Lusso with the 2.0 Twin Spark available for sale near to where he lived. For 1,700. With 65K miles on it. With a clean MOT and full service history. I'm not sure whether to be happy for him or deeply irritated that he's actually found what he wanted because he's been messing us around for months looking at cars and we've tried to talk him into something more realistic and been met with vague excuses and total nonsense. Only for him to actually get what he wants, which will reinforce his warped World-view! Jammy sod.
  2. 'Radar-Guided C*&t' Drives a German car of some description. Probably rear-wheel drive, with oversized wheels and lowered suspension, so very prone to a bit of bump steer. Rear tyres are usually low on tread or bald due to them having to compensate for their tiny penis by performing burnouts in front of their equally pathetic 'mates', who are often spotted with suspicious amounts of cash but no bank account. This money is only spent on crap modifications, baseball caps or trainers. Never actual maintenance. They usually live with their Mum in a run-down terraced house. Most commonly spotted in the outer lane of a motorway doing 100+ in the pouring fucking rain when everybody else has slowed down to 50/60 due to the extreme weather. Often spotted shortly after halfway up the embankment backwards or in an ambulance after holding up the traffic for an hour after their bald tyres surprisingly* failed to grip after hitting a puddle or small bump. Thinks they're guided by radar like a missile but are actually guided by their own stupidity, deep feelings of inadequacy and Colombian marching powder. Always described in the press as a 'lovely boy' or 'angel'. Rarely breed due to taking themselves out the gene pool early. Thankfully.
  3. My Great Uncle (90 this year) tells a good story from about 50 years ago. A young lady knocks on his door during a storm at about 1AM and asks if she can use his telephone as her car has spectacularly broken down. Of course, he obliges and asks her what happened. She said it just stopped and the engine wouldn't start again. Apparently it was fairly new. He asked if any work had been done on the car. She said: 'Yeah. I drained the oil. The handbook said that every 6,000 miles, I should drain the oil.' Unfortunately the handbook apparently didn't say that it needed to be filled up again.
  4. 'Mazda Bongo. Hint's in the name, Carol'.
  5. I assume you go to Invicta Tyres, right?
  6. It's really good! Spent a couple of hours there back in August. Apparently they're constructing a World of Volvo in the middle of Gothenburg, due to open next Spring.
  7. Volvo did make these right. That engine is running very sweetly indeed! Pictured. Fat man approves of Volvo Amazon in Volvo Museum.
  8. It does - but then try escaping in a car and it's as appalling as ever.
  9. When my partner moved in with me back in 2016, we were in a small flat in Gravesend. We looked to move a couple of months later as I'd got a new job elsewhere and the first thing I said to her was: 'Not Medway and definitely not Chatham'. It's not even that they're any worse than Gravesend or Ashford. It's that the transport links out are so bad that it's hard to escape...
  10. My partner loves going into supermarkets. Sometimes she visits multiple supermarkets in a day, especially if there’s a good Lidl or Aldi. I don’t understand and am considering psychological intervention.
  11. Truly spoken by somebody that doesn’t hate i) Christmas ii) people iii) shopping. The combination of all three is a conflagration of all that is wrong with humanity.
  12. Fuck that, my aunt lives in South Ronaldsay. Stay away.
  13. It was a grey van! Police driver or otherwise, the occupant was indeed a bit of a Gareth.
  14. I drove from Cheltenham-Kent via the A40, M40, M25, M2, yesterday and I had a situation like this almost all of the way back. I'm very happy to sit in the inside lane doing 60 on longer journeys, especially in the BINI. I don't know if this has always been a problem but many, many drivers just do not seem to understand that the inside lane is the lane that you are, by default, meant to be in and that the other two are for overtaking. If you're doing 70, I can understand being in the middle lane if there's a train of lorries. Because you're overtaking them. Otherwise, get the fuck to the inside lane and use the motorway properly. See also, people overtaking you when other cars are merging from the left at junctions (despite there being signs of an impending junction for at least a mile) and cars getting arsey and flashing you from 150 Yards back when you safely accelerate, indicate and pull over to let traffic in prior to a junction. Case in point, there's a very marginal junction on the A2 just before you get into Canterbury whereby the traffic entering the A2 from the left gets a very short slip road and it's very hard to actually see the A2 until you're on the slip itself trying to merge: So, as a courtesy I always try and pull over to the right-hand lane (of two) about 400 yards beforehand as I've seen so many near-misses there. Did that yesterday and a van that was in the right-hand lane suddenly decides to do 85, catch up with me and start flashing their lights. They only realised what I was doing when they saw two merging cars nearly have an accident with two cars on the inside lane at the junction and backed off. The lack of situational awareness on our motorways an A-roads is staggering.
  15. Don’t worry, I saw it again half an hour later on the M25, driving along happy as anything!
  16. Anybody here at Cobham Services on the M25 in a Peugeot 205 earlier?
  17. With this car you will attract all manner of potential love interests. Make sure the rear suspension is maximally reinforced, ready for action. What a winner.
  18. It's all to do with you living in G-Town. You have my condolences on Erith.
  19. That's because you're a massive success due to an outstanding Secondary Education, obviously.
  20. Needs to be an older teacher with a pre-1997 Grandfathered Minibus licence. But yes. I've been in this minibus. Going down a massive hill, the driver (my manager at the time) terrified me with: 'Oh, feels like the brakes are fading a bit...'
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