dugong

The year was now 2013 and despite looking high and low, I couldn't find a restorer that fit the bill. Some were so disorganised it was hilarious, others had elevated sensibilities and would only work on air-cooled Volkswagens and a few simply didn't bother to respond. Eventually I tracked down a body shop in Crewe who had ties with the Volvo Enthusiasts' Club, the Judean Peoples' Front to the VOCs's Peoples' Front of Judea.

They'd recently completed a high-profile rebuild of a P1800 featured in The Saint, and came highly recommended.



I'd done very little to the Amazon other than store it, and occasionally fire it up. The tax and MOT had lapsed in 2010 and all I'd managed to do in the meantime was argue with half a dozen body shops across the North West and blow the radiator to pieces. Having tried to order a Be-Cool aluminium rad from an emerging Amazon Pro-Touring outfit in the US, and got nowhere, I accepted defeat an ordered a re-con unit from Brookhouse. I reckon a third of my budget must have gone on their Christmas party.
 


As feared, the front and rear floor pans were like teabags. I ordered the deluxe pressings from Brookhouse - the ones stamped out by a Dutch company using the original Volvo tooling.





Some slight**** work was needed. The sills were found to be pretty decent, with only surface rust that was treated.





New pans, fitted. Next came a whole host of mechanical work. The front discs, lines and flexis were utterly shagged so I sent for some new ones. A word of warning if you're doing up an Amazon - the rotors are stupidly expensive. This is because one company in Sweden re- manufactures them, and they tend to charge whatever they like. I also got some progressive springs and GAZ dampers from Amazon Cars and ClassicSwede - although the bottom bushes on the shocks are proving to be something of a pain in the arse.

Then for no discernible reason the mechanic disappeared while the body shop cracked on with the other repairs. Eventually he came back and finished the work, which included fitting some new stainless steel bumpers I decided to splurge on. I'd spent about half the budget by this point. Fortunately the place doing the final bits of trim and paint work like mad men. Ironically they specialise in air cooled camper vans and have a 'prix fixe' menu where the discerning dubber can choose a restoration with filler or with metal.

As part of the price they're doing the door shuts, so the interior had to come out [again].



They're also having the bonnet, doors and front panel blasted at a soda place nearby. The front section has never been apart before and I was a bit worried that the inner wings would have disappeared, given the non existent state of the boot area. Remember the wings, bonnet and front panel were untouched from when I bought the car - I couldn't afford to have them done in 2008.





For some reason the inner wings were heavily undersealed. Other than two small holes in the mounting rails where the wings bolt on, they were pretty sound. The A pillars are a little crispy at the bottom, but thee wings themselves are miraculously unbuggered, too. The bumper irons are also coming off to be blasted.



There's still quite a bit left to do. There's some knackered brightwork I need to source and I'm helping them fit the new mirrors I bought from VP Autoparts in Sollentuna.



I also need to fit this little sod to the cabin, along with various other interior bits. Oh, and the engine's coming out - did I mention that bit? Although the eventual game-plan is some kind of vile B20 mill, it wasn't that much money to have the B18 refreshed with new rings, gaskets and engine mounts. I might see if I can lob the twin HS6s and the twin down-pipe on too. If the engine's apart I can also see if the place would shove the Isky cam and lifters I got in a swap for some wedding photos on the sly [nowt rude].

After that the windscreen needs doing with the interior still out. It leaks like a sieve. Most Amazon 'screens do - that's probably why the front floor pans were so corroded. When all that's finished it'll be worth about three quarters of what I paid for the work.

Lucky it's not going anywhere, eh?

The condition of the car was getting worse. Something needed to be done.
I ended up scouring the VOC forum, and found Hunter Classics. I took KYO to the proprietor Gordon Hunter for an estimate.

We agreed a price and the dismantling begun.



Some slight*** reconstruction work was needed.
 
The rear end needed so much work I had to shelve other plans for the engine and floors, which I knew were patched like the VOSA quilt from hell. Gordon also reconstructed the rear arches on an English Wheel, fitted three new doors, a new bootlid (which never quite sat properly) and resprayed everything from the A pillar back. At that point I ran out of money. In the mean time I'd amassed some rare extras like an Ellemann-Jakobsen rocker cover.
 


I got it back shortly after the Retro Rides Gathering 2008. It made the RRG at Sparkford the following year.
 




Although I'd sorted some new tyres, wheels and brakes, it still flailed around like a hippo's spirit level.



On the way back I visited some friends in Bristol who lived a short distance from the Being Human house in Totterdown. It seemed rude not to take a few snaps. The BH car was a 1964 122S with the earlier nose and a horrible sunroof. It did the rounds on eBay a few times and sold for around £1800.

I carried on running the car until the floors got really bad and I began to lose the brakes, despite replacing the master cylinder and slaves. I missed out on RRG 2010 and 2011 and the Amazon sat in storage when I went back to University.



In the meantime I snagged another set of wheels for it - these being Wheel Vintique Shelby GT500 replicas.

I knew the floor pans were bad when I scraped the newspaper out of them. Dates were scarce but I suspected they'd been bodged in there long before I was even born:







Recently I had the pans replaced with some inheritance money I received. I've battered through the back story here at quite a pace. I'll bring you up to speed when I've sorted the rest of the current shots out.

 

Its opaque, and rare as hen's teeth. Weird thing to focus on.
 
I think we may have identified the Piazza's problem. People don't see them as complete vehicles, they just want parts to customise other cars with.
 
That's the first thing people see? "Oh, that centre garnish would look good on something else."

A few posts back I mentioned Isuzu wheeled the Asso di Fiori out for public consumption.
The event was called Historic2Days and was held last year. All round excellent bod (and massive Piazza fan) Taishi Matsunaga took the following photos:
 

 
You can see how little of the frontal aspect changed for production. The headlamp eyebrows were shortened and the bonnet moved upward to comply with lighting regulations. The door handle arrangement differs; Isuzu switched to another lock and handle set to save money.
 

 
Even the Asso's alloys survived the transition between Italdesign and Isuzu's assembly line in Shinagawaku; the early G200W (DOHC) Piazza XEs used the same wheel design. In 1981, however, these rims were made of metal rather than cleverly painted acetate and clay. They're known as tic-tac-toe wheels, for obvious reasons. I've never seen a set for sale, not even on Rinkya or Buyee.
 

 

 
Weirdly enough, the Turbo (introduced in late '84-'85 in Japan) appeared to crib its wheels from an early Giugiaro design, the Lancia Medusa
 

 
 
 
The interior changed the most twixt Asso and Piazza, although the basic elements are all there - the twin satellite dashboard, the massive door cards - even the leather interior appeared in the Japan only XJ-S and Yanase models.
 
The Asso was rumoured to have been built on a heavily modified Gemini floorpan; the pedals are of the same type at least.

This is the last picture I have of XJM before it left the country. I found it on an old hard drive. 

Hirst found me a great photo location in his local area. Shot was done pikey style by using an old speedlight case to prop the camera up, just outside HMP Wakefield. 
 

 
 
 
The interim years between XJM and GYP has demonstrated how far my taste in cars has moved on. Make no mistake: Piazzas are not sports cars.  A widebody Starion would murder the Isuzu in a straight line and a badly driven 924S would leave it for dead everywhere else. Keep the engine within its power band and it's pretty brisk; I remember how terrifyingly fast XJM seemed back in 2008 when the fastest thing I'd driven was a Peugeot 306 TD. Get past 4500rpm and the engine rough quickly - push further and a governor begins to strangle the fuel supply. This is a car built for overtaking maneouvres on the motorway, where the turbocharger's swell of torque easily pulls you past slower traffic. On the way back from Thornes Park I made another discovery - the cruise control still works. I was wary of trying XJM's because of its horrifically hacked up wiring loom which featured a hard wired dip switch to operate the wipers. 
 
One thing that needs attention soon is the rack end bushes. The steering wheel's cock eyed and there's a queasiness that makes the car difficult to place on the road. Chasing Captain Slow in his Stag the other night was hard going - although GYP's road holding is quite good, you're never quite sure of how much lock to wind on and off around tight bends.  The fuel tank sender's gone on strike too, but that isn't strictly a problem because it drinks like a fish in town. Driving on the mileometer and filling up out of habit hasn't failed me yet. Motorway work nets you around 25mpg; given how depressing Piazza dipsomania can be, I thought I'd done alright dredging 310 miles from a brim to and from Shitefest. Fun fact: it was designed to run on 97RON. 
 
Close behind are the HBL wheels I snagged for a frankly obscene £1 several years ago. The seller was most upset: he'd just spent £270 on a set of brand new V-rated 195\60\14 tyres, never fitted them to his car and then listed them on eBay without a reserve. Either the wheels aren't seating right or I have a trio of dead valves - leave the car for more than a day and they deflate more than a farting cloud. These wheels were only meant to be a placeholder - with the spare and the other currently scrounged rims from Piazza #2 (HUL), I actually have a full set of pre Lotus alloys. Swapping these over after a good clean will be my next priority. 
 
HUL's time is running out: I'm giving up the garage it lives in this month and sending it to the weighbridge. The crusher won't be getting much; we've donated its fuel tank, rear axle, rear light clusters, head, turbo, bonnet, headlights and front bumper to the Owners' Club with me keeping its entire labrador beige and chocolate interior. With the front wheels removed, I'll have six pre-Lotus alloys with centre caps, which will satisfy my OCD when it comes to having matching spare wheels. IPTOC Clive's going to take the rear trim cards, bench and carpet out next. I'm still waiting for the V62 to come back: the log book disappeared when we had to vacate the Birkenhead unit.
 

 

 
How sad that a model's entire worth is defined by a single part that doesn't even fit the cars claimed by the pub legend.There's also the loss in social history terms; a 72,000 mile car is going to get shredded. Never again will it just nip to the shops, take the owner to work or be enjoyed on back road simply for the hell of it. Delivered new to an address less than a mile from where I grew up in Sale, the dealer that supplied it in Altrincham is now a posh Italian restaurant. I swiped the tax disc and rear window sticker; they'll live inside GYP one way or another. It came off the road a few years ago because of an altercation with a bollard which bent the crossmember. It was rusting from the inside out and the owner had the IHI turbo rebuilt and installed by a two-bit mechanic who ran it up without the banjo bolt, causing dire amounts of axial and radial play in the turbine and compressor wheels. 
 

 

 
That's an IHI VT34. When working it gives 8.7psi of boost, appearing in the Mazda MX-6 Turbo and some early Subaru Impreza WRXs. 
 
If IPTOC Clive can source a generator, we're going to chop some repair panels out and package some of the boot trim up for a member in Norway. Although the car will end up on the slow boat to China, recycling its parts will keep other Piazzas going for longer. 
 

 

 
These shots give an idea of the amount of parts HUL has given up already. 
 

 
Stuffed between the boot floor and rear drifter enchantment device, the fuel tank was grubby but saveable. As you can see, it's rather small and weirdly shaped. It also had about twenty quid's worth of grey varnish festering inside. 
 

 

 

 
Three pre axle and tank removal shots giving you an idea of how far the tin worm had advanced, chewing up most of the boot floor in the process. You can also see how ramshackle the rear suspension is in comparison to the swish bodywork up top; the shock absorber and panhard rod bushes put up a hell of a fight before they relinquished their grip. 
 

 
Next week I'll try to remove the rust witness marks from the paint and cut it back to see if I can bring it up a little. There's lots to do, but it's manageable in small chunks. In August the gearbox is receiving attention; they're a Piazza weak point and the input shafts begin to 'sing' past 80k or so; blame the engine oil they're lubricated with. GYP's is on 150k and beginning to get notchy.

My money's on it being a heavily modified Convair \ TWM \ Nordec Excell coupe (their emphasis). At least one gullwing Convair was produced (albeit with a different end and C pillar scoop. It may be a hard top with a special roof cut out.
 
A car very similar to this (in profile, but not details) turned up on Old Classic Car:
 

 
http://www.oldclassiccar.co.uk/spaceframe.htm

OK, fair enough, but these lot were obsessed (and clucking loudly) about the fact there was a bit of paint missing off the B pillar, nothing else.
It works for me, it's a little short in the deck but the bloke was building a replica of a car which doesn't exist any more.

Oooh, Radford DeVille. There was a very serious Rover Group proposal to give the original Mini a hatch, called the MinKi (K for K-Series) - in fact, a hatch was but one of several improvements the team wanted to implement, along with a new dash, different seats and a K series Because of crash test issues, concerns about torsional rigidity (and because type approval would have meant spending money), the project never went anywhere.
 

 
There was also this mad one off thing a Redditch coachbuilder converted for a customer. It was on eBay last year.
 

 
Of course, there was a hatchback Mini built by British Leyland - but not in the UK:
 

 
This was the 1974 'Bertone' Mini, a reshelled hatch using Mini floor pans and running gear, built by Innocenti (a BL satellite) in the old Lambretta works in Milan.
If you look carefully, some of the ADO88 Metro clay proposals used Bertone Mini wheels. You could buy them in the UK via an importer but they were never available through Austin dealerships. Why BL didn't use it as a stopgap before the Metro in 1980 I've no idea.
 
Later Daihatsu engined cars (built under Alessandro DeTomaso's control when he purchased Innocenti from BL) were actually craftilty re shelled Daihatsu Charade G11s. That's how hot Japanese Domestic Market Charade G11s ended up badged as DeTomasos - a reverse licensing agreement.

The Heuliez one? It had two different side window treatments. And Mi16 running gear. And it sold for 12,000 euros. It didn't have any identity papers mind - it would have been a sod to get through an SVA. Probably would have ended up on a Q plate.
 

 

 

 

 
Truth be told, I found the Artcurial Heuliez sale more interesting than the rest of LMC 2012.
 
Artcurial seemed to own this rather mental X300 XJR estate, too:
 

Yeah, a Mk1 Cortina specialist showed it at the London Classic Car Show last year. He did most of the fabrication work with a cutting torch in one hand and that picture in the other. He used a 1500GT as a donor - and it was quite a nice one, as well.
 

 

 

 

 

 

 
He ended up parading it because the organisers were supposed to have club stands in the other hall in the ExCeL - but it didn't happen. He ended up doing the moving motorshow as a conciliatory gesture. Having laid out a lot of money to get several cars ready for the show, he suddenly had nowhere to display them. He ran it with and without hardtop, which he also fabricated.
 

 
This is Dave, a Ford factory apprentice. He walked up to the owner and said: "This is how I remembered seeing the Saxon back in the 'Sixties." I'd take that as a compliment.
 
Quite a few times, groups of anal concours types pored over it, and began snorting because there was a bit of loose paint on the B pillar - completely missing the fact that the owner had bloody fabricated the thing using nothing but an old jig and a press photograph.

Retro Lifestyle in Halifax is building a V8 R40 coupe with the guts of a MG ZT-T 260, using a BMW 3 series E46 coupe for the roof line.
 

Oooh, Radford DeVille. There was a very serious Rover Group proposal to give the original Mini a hatch, called the MinKi (K for K-Series) - in fact, a hatch was but one of several improvements the team wanted to implement, along with a new dash, different seats and a K series Because of crash test issues, concerns about torsional rigidity (and because type approval would have meant spending money), the project never went anywhere.
 

 
There was also this mad one off thing a Redditch coachbuilder converted for a customer. It was on eBay last year.
 

 
Of course, there was a hatchback Mini built by British Leyland - but not in the UK:
 

 
This was the 1974 'Bertone' Mini, a reshelled hatch using Mini floor pans and running gear, built by Innocenti (a BL satellite) in the old Lambretta works in Milan.
If you look carefully, some of the ADO88 Metro clay proposals used Bertone Mini wheels. You could buy them in the UK via an importer but they were never available through Austin dealerships. Why BL didn't use it as a stopgap before the Metro in 1980 I've no idea.
 
Later Daihatsu engined cars (built under Alessandro DeTomaso's control when he purchased Innocenti from BL) were actually craftilty re shelled Daihatsu Charade G11s. That's how hot Japanese Domestic Market Charade G11s ended up badged as DeTomasos - a reverse licensing agreement.

Yeah, a Mk1 Cortina specialist showed it at the London Classic Car Show last year. He did most of the fabrication work with a cutting torch in one hand and that picture in the other. He used a 1500GT as a donor - and it was quite a nice one, as well.
 

 

 

 

 

 

 
He ended up parading it because the organisers were supposed to have club stands in the other hall in the ExCeL - but it didn't happen. He ended up doing the moving motorshow as a conciliatory gesture. Having laid out a lot of money to get several cars ready for the show, he suddenly had nowhere to display them. He ran it with and without hardtop, which he also fabricated.
 

 
This is Dave, a Ford factory apprentice. He walked up to the owner and said: "This is how I remembered seeing the Saxon back in the 'Sixties." I'd take that as a compliment.
 
Quite a few times, groups of anal concours types pored over it, and began snorting because there was a bit of loose paint on the B pillar - completely missing the fact that the owner had bloody fabricated the thing using nothing but an old jig and a press photograph.

Yeah, a Mk1 Cortina specialist showed it at the London Classic Car Show last year. He did most of the fabrication work with a cutting torch in one hand and that picture in the other. He used a 1500GT as a donor - and it was quite a nice one, as well.
 

 

 

 

 

 

 
He ended up parading it because the organisers were supposed to have club stands in the other hall in the ExCeL - but it didn't happen. He ended up doing the moving motorshow as a conciliatory gesture. Having laid out a lot of money to get several cars ready for the show, he suddenly had nowhere to display them. He ran it with and without hardtop, which he also fabricated.
 

 
This is Dave, a Ford factory apprentice. He walked up to the owner and said: "This is how I remembered seeing the Saxon back in the 'Sixties." I'd take that as a compliment.
 
Quite a few times, groups of anal concours types pored over it, and began snorting because there was a bit of loose paint on the B pillar - completely missing the fact that the owner had bloody fabricated the thing using nothing but an old jig and a press photograph.

Graber P6 OM NOM NOM. It did a coupe as well which I'd recreate if my numbers came up.
The P6 Zagato (2000 TCZ) was also fit:
 

 
Amazes me no-one tried to do a better P6 shooting brake than that weird Crayford Estoura thing.

Work's MG6 did alright in the shunt which wrote it off; bloke driving it escaped unscathed when another car pushed him into the central reservation.
Unsure how badly it was damaged but it appears to still have RFL. 

The very thought of a driving a bended n' mended MG6 makes me want to take the bus. 

A NIMBY-nothing-better-to-do type collared me once as I was leaving an event about it not having a tax disc. In November 2014. 

"Why doesn't it have a tax disc? That's illegal."

"Tax discs were discontinued in October 2014."

"That's nonsense, you have to have one."
"Check on askmid and the DVLA license enquiry database; it has RFL."

"I'm not doing that, you should have a tax disc."

VERDICT: imbecile. 

I drove off at that point. 

#THUGLIFE
#OMGHGF
#FUCKYOUPROJECTDRIVE

"I, (DUGONG) AM SELLING THIS CAR". 

Translation: Every single other example of this vehicle is worth a bleeding fortune. Mine's worth £20. 

Can't Scrap, Won't Scrap. Everyone from Autoshite goes and buys brake pads from the local scrappy, even though a brand new set costs £4 more. [repeat, Borders can fuck off]. 

Er...
 
Where I grew up, if you had anything Austin Rover, people thought you were skint.
The only time that ever changed in Manchester was when the R8 came out, because it was a 'posh' car the size of an Escort (that also smelled nice).
People actually queued outside Drabble & Allen for them; my dad tried to get one on a company car allowance and couldn't because they'd sold out.
 
If you had a Ford, Vauxhall or Peugeot, you were doing OK. You weren't minted, but you were hardly scooping leftovers out of bins.
 
If you were an aggy tosser with a bit of money, you had a BMW. If you actually had money, you bought a Mercedes.
 
A BMW too flash and a Merc too pricey? A Jaguar for you, kid.
 
VWs didn't really feature much near me - there were two dealers, one in Hyde and one in Sale - and its cars were regarded as a bit weird because you
spent a ton of money and got a very basic car with no equipment in return. Once upon a time, people bought cars based on VFM rather than the badge up front.
All the hot hatch kids had French stuff.
 
The R75 was always thought of as a pensioner's car in Manchester. Anyone with any sense bought a Passat or an Octavia and left the flag waving to
the plughole fanatics and the geriatric. No-one cared they were decent cars; they are, but 'classy' they are not.

I have an MGF kettle somewhere.

I have a diesel MGF. It's called Spartacus.