dugong

The 'ignore' settings. I'm going for a full Top Trumps deck. [disappearing signature]

If I was minted I'd buy that for trig and stick the keys through his letter box one night.

I must avail myself of this fine publication. As a idiot writer for one of those thinly veiled brochure/faux-wank mags, I clearly need to do some homework. I'll still take it over 'being Clarkson', though. [disappearing signature]

Cheers.

Cheers.

So how is a leather seated manual XM acceptable, then?

An SK postcode has far less risk loading than an M postcode. My folks lived in M33 and moved to a WA in the early 'Nineties; a move of less than 5 miles took £200 each off their car insurance premiums. WA15 is the biggest risk in that area because of all the scrotey goings on in Broadheath - but then you've also got the footballers' mansions in Hale using WA14 and WA15 postcodes.

I have a diesel 605 for sale in cloth with a manual gearbox, will that not do?

THINK OF THE CHILDREN (etc)

Do not get rid of the 405 for an XM. Please.

No, you're buying a Citroen XM. It'll arrive with strange and sadistic ways of emptying your bank account. They're like fast Saabs. Even when you fawn over one like a small child and shower it with money it'll still go on strike whenever the fuck it feels like it. The only ones that appear to be reliable are the very basic Phase 2 diesels. Others are either cripplingly bodged or have enough 'oh that just needs fixing' type faults to make you lose the will to live. In summary I wouldn't trust one as far as I could throw it. Specialists vary between 'fucking miles away' and 'untidy'.

This thing had a bog basic 351 "with some fancy cams". That was it.

Buy a £300 Volvo instead. [checks Captain Slow's drive] On second thoughts, don't.

"aye, gid. norh, ehts fein." "doz ye gan anee slayer?"

"Aye, eht doesnee werkh."

Why are you buying a fanboi suspension Citroen, Junkman? It'll take up half of fucking Cheadle Hulme just to park it. If you think P6s are scatty pains in the arse........you don't know the half of it.

To be fair, a £20 note has better torsional rigidity then a Fox body Mustang shell. "Lads! 'Ere, we've got this porridge Fairmont, who cares if they're still selling cars based off it into the 'Noughties? Daft twats only want to go straight anyway....." There was a bloke who used to go the breakfast meet in Wakefield who bracket raced a similarly aged Mustang; he'd launched it off the line hard so many times the shell had twisted enough to jam the nearside passenger door permanently shut.

So he's replacing the fog light switch for free then, right? You're getting reamed on this car, xtriple. Time to find somewhere else, surely?

I saw this happen at an MoT station near me. I thought it was some kind of work experience prank on the new lad changing the bog roll but it was FO REALZ and the Navarra in question was five years old. If I'd had been on a modern title my OMFG HEADLINE hackles would have been bristling like a priapic bog brush.

The above terrifies me. I'd be fucked if EE did that.

That E39 looks excellent value. E39s are not my thing but I can recognise an excellent deal (and a competent car). If it's had any kind of maintenance regime applied to it it'll keep on going, too. This era of BMW was the penultimate before things started going a bit 'wanker chariot' (copyright RBJ). It's a phase BMs have to go through. I still regret not buying that debadged E60 540 estate Warren T Claim's family were selling well below book. A cheap BMW that can get out of its own way, eh? Whod've thought it? Usually at that money they're tarted up heaps with the smallest engine bought by 'champagne taste, lemonade money' types who want the badge above all and would have been better off getting a reasonably engined Mondeo and the cheaper running costs associated with it.

Uncross. It *should* be alright now.

Made a big decision last night. Everyone cross their bits for me please.

You can have AS Cheap Jag Club if I can have AS Depressing Volvo Society

Eating £180 of fail after my 960 turned into a fugging smoke machine. Wafted me back with PURE SKILL and CLASS last night from Maidstone; spent an hour at Lakeside Essex cleaning the bastard. Should have gone for the turn off marked 'ARENA' instead. It's not all lost. Not yet. On Tuesday I'm gonna bust out the INDUSTRY CONTACTS and ask them in a squeaky voice to help (possibly sobbing as that seems to work on the X Factor).