Frenchenstein

Especially by @dollywobbler🤣🤣

Sounds like an episode of Top Gear in the Clarkson/Hammond/May era.

As was prevalent in Kit Car circles a goodly few years ago:
"Video build" = A knackered VHS video of my mate ragging it around a field a few times, followed by 4 of us standing around the engine bay while it boils over.

The Solihull paradox. Rugged, tackle all off road vehicles whose metal components dissolve in West Midlands drizzle.

I've defined it to myself in the past, as that moment when I've spent a small fortune on parts and/or repairs, and the bloody thing resolutely defies fixing. It's the moment just before going full Basil Fawlty on it, when the entire universe is humming along just nicely thanks, except that bit I'm currently inhabiting, without two brass farthings to rub together.
 
Right, that's it, you're going to get a damn good thrashing...etc.
 
Also -and I'm not sure it's entirely relevant, but bear with me - as a result of someone mishearing what I was saying the other day, when 'valerian tea' became 'Bavarian tea'...
BAVARIAN TEA - a bottled brewed beverage from the Rhineland, sufficient consumption of which is helpful in overcoming the disappointments typically experienced after FUCQUILIBRIUM, FTP, FTS and IFFMBT among others. Analogous to, (and sometimes resulting from a misfortune induced by) DUTCH COURAGE.

They got Aldi and Audi mixed up !!

I forgot “Shonky”, I heard that used for the first time in 1972; perfect word to describe an unloved, unwashed, down trodden, rust bucket, using excess burnt engine oil to subdue the flies drawn, in swarms, to it. (I’m going to use Shonky tomurrah!)

I think a 2 door Mark 2 Cav, available for a few months in 1300 base spec only, should qualify as BASE.

Cav L isn't base. With sufficient arcane knowledge (which is an AS staple), one could come up with the desperately miserable MOD special Cavs, which had literally some seats, a speedo and...yeah, that was about it. One of those would ace a Cav L in a shite-off, such is the perverse nature of this place.

Sherpa Cabrio/Coupe - MGB Roadster/GT
 
Cavalier in a shell suit - Vauxhall Calibra
 
Mondeo in a party frock - Ford Cougar
 
Pez - petrol
 
Dizzler - diesel
 
Dr. Diesel's evil invention - a compression ignition engine running on heavy fuel oil. A dizzler.
 
J-tin - A vehicle of Japanese origin.
 
Fugly - Worse than ugly. See also: gopping.
 
Moto-Scat - A breakaway movement from Autoshite, after a bit of a falling out. Aims to be more serious than AS. It's leader, Leonard Hatred (AKA Milford Cubicle/Marcello Gandini/Lacquer Peel/FOAD/plain old Len) can usually still be found on Autoshite though, as can some of the members of Moto-Scat - so it hasn't broken too far away.
 
OSF - Old Sporty Ford. Usualy subject to swingeing Scene Tax (see also). Most highly valuable OSFs can no longer be left parked on the roadside, as they would be taken, post-haste, by theiving scrotes (NB: not to be confused with a Scrote, which is a Ford Escort).
 
Gallic Quality Control - At its most rigorous this can include both a cursory glance AND a shrug of the shoulders.
 
Spaghetti Marelli - An italian automotive electronics firm. The world's leading purveyors of spaghetti electrics.

CPTC - Cat Piss Tarp Challenge. When posting shite spots, the challenge of guessing what vehicle lurks beneath an old builder's tarpaulin that smells of cat piss.

Purple Helmet: real name Purple Horse, a purveyor of interesting but comically overpriced chod on ebay who keeps adding to his stock but very rarely actually sells anything.

Audi - German supplier of quality tools, car accessories, and live essentials such as beer and carpet slippers.
Aldi - German maker of motorcars based in Ingolstadt.

See also: "Rhyl".
 
If you dare...

HGF - a mid engined late model MG

eBay mongs- See: bumbers - 1st to see will buy - "Will you swap for Mondeo tonite M8" - "Whats yes bestest fer cash, wil cloect tnite" - When the advert plainly states "Has no tax and test, the engine is in the boot in a thousand pieces" yet they still ask if it will drive home to Ingatestone on a fiver.
 
See also "Mouth breather" and "Fucktard".
 
Jaywick - Autoshite Holiday destination of the year.

Council Estate Touring Car I think ought to be added. 
 
Any old BMW, Lexus or Merc, preferably on “GAZ†plates. 

Have I missed owt of has nobody said pov spec yet? For those untrained, pov spec is not a car in which grumble film sleazebag Ben Dover uses to do Point Of View jazz films of average looking bints who have hit hard times, it is in fact a poverty spec car, such as a Popular Escort. Ironically, a lot of girls in the Ben Dover films were also popular Escorts.
 
A Poplar escort is a car with a tree growing out of it.  

HGF should be “OMFGOMGHGFâ€Â. 

Council Estate Spec - A vehicle of similar outward appearance to Onslow from Keeping Up Appearances' Cortina. A vehicle with a certain "couldn't give a shit" air about it, that suggests it started its journey from an domestic appliance strewn front garden. Giveaway signs can include mismatched panels and wheels and a multitude of battle scars. Smaller, non-essential components such as badging, side indicators, and passenger mirrors are often removed/missing - perhaps in accordance with Colin Champan's ethos of "adding lightness". A prime example of this spec is THAT Volvo estate which I believe in currently in cms206's possession. Such vehicles are often judged to be grim/EPIC/full of WIN.

Fannymould - manifold. Cheers AS, this slipped out early this morning, when describing why i was suffering from fume poisoning, and my truck's exhaust was making that characteristic ticking noise. To wit:
Me "Erm, exhaust fannymould gasket's gone. Can you fix it?"
Fitter "Eh?"

PHAKT or PHACT - Sonething that may* or may not be true. (See asterisk).

Brown - a very dark shade of beige.

For the Honda* engined Rovers, I think the rule is if it's broken it's one of those "Shitty Rover engines", if it has been reliable then it is a Honda (or BMW).

Ebay Tat: Things that are worth owning.
Ebay Bargains: Things that are not bargains.