Datsuncog Posted June 18, 2018 Share Posted June 18, 2018 Supernaut summing up both Dollywobbler, and Autoshite in general, in just two lines: "I need a long-distance cruiser"*buys a fucked Reliant Fox*Good job DW! Genuine laugh-out-loud moment. wuvvum, Exiled_Tat_Gatherer, rantingYoof and 13 others 16 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AMC Rebel Posted June 28, 2018 Share Posted June 28, 2018 It’s definitely nutter season, had a fair amount of this recently. Noteable gems included the (highly annoying) ‘????’ when I asked if an item was still for sale. The header of the message included the item name, yet when I had to point out what it was I got nothing in reply. They then readvertised it. Yesterday I asked on social media if anyone had a certain make and model of car, with a brief list of preferences and the price range. Woke up this morning to find a private message which was just one picture of a dirty/dusty speedo and no words at all. After asking what it was supposed to be about, I then received about 239,000 pictures the size of an ant’s left bollock and that seemed to have been taken with a sandpapered fucking milk bottle as a camera. clayts450, Exiled_Tat_Gatherer, mercrocker and 5 others 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pillock Posted June 29, 2018 Share Posted June 29, 2018 Conrad T Justice revealing his Hobbycraft Get Rich Quick scheme I'm doing well out of their unofficial affiliate programme (that's where I say nice things about them online then shoplift glitter glue). Jim Bell, Dave_Q, louiepj and 3 others 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flat4alfa Posted July 3, 2018 Share Posted July 3, 2018 From the TriggerMarina thread Oooh I can just feel the back of my legs sticking to those seats in this weather."Hey man, nice scars! Were you in the army or Fire Brigade or something?" "Naaah. Marina Estate, Clacton, 1984" Junkman, egg, Exiled_Tat_Gatherer and 10 others 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clayts450 Posted July 8, 2018 Share Posted July 8, 2018 Dave numbers on the magic of telephone customer service I found a phone number which led to a menu system but rather than the usual "press one for sales, press two to speak to the canteen dinner ladies, press three for billing...." you have to talk to the robot woman who uses voice recognition to completely ignore what you want and connect you to some department that will be no use. So after going through various combinations of "technical problem", "faulty line", "internet doesnt work" and so on, and getting replies like "we will connect you to online banking" and "you want to change your offer? we will connect you to sales..." it turns out that screaming "fucking cunt" at your telephone loud enough to hurt your own throat seems to transfer you to a person. Cavcraft, Ghosty, catsinthewelder and 13 others 16 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clayts450 Posted July 8, 2018 Share Posted July 8, 2018 Dave numbers on the perils of a visit to the shopping centre You know those old-timey paintings of purgatory and the seven circles of hell and stuff like that full of people being ass-fucked by goat-headed demons and children being decapitated and folk disemboweling themselves? they are pretty much a realtime snapshot of the shopping centre on a Saturday afternoon on the first day of the summer holidays. Junkman, AMC Rebel, Sigmund Fraud and 11 others 14 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Hooli Posted July 8, 2018 Share Posted July 8, 2018 I'm a fan of Mr number's posting style too. clayts450 and tooSavvy 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lesapandre Posted July 8, 2018 Share Posted July 8, 2018 Ebay post: Will be MOT exempt in 6 years CGSB, HillmanImp, egg and 2 others 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oldcars Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 This cracker from Shiterider in his Robin thread. No problem, i'll not be a long term owner of either realistically i've a 60 mile round daily commute that normally consists of a least two twat's pulling out on me and at least one dangerous over/undertake so i'd rather not put my life in the hands of a drum braked bathroom suite.They are wicked cool fun to drive though. busmansholiday, Split_Pin, clayts450 and 2 others 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Conrad D. Conelrad Posted July 13, 2018 Share Posted July 13, 2018 A van in the eBay thread: This is like sitting inside Homer Simpsons head looking outwards. Creepy. wuvvum, eddyramrod, Disco Fever and 11 others 14 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cavcraft Posted July 15, 2018 Share Posted July 15, 2018 On further reflection, mine has a tendency to need trailering away as well and I've sunk a lot more into it than the starting price of this one, so maybe it's me who's the swivel-eyed loon in this scenario. More brilliance from Martin in the 'ebay tat' thread. clayts450 and Junkman 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsinthewelder Posted July 19, 2018 Share Posted July 19, 2018 Justin Case nearly causing a gin/keyboard interface in the members who've left thread It must be something to be banned from a forum where the highest accolade is to be judged the winner of the C*nt Count Competition tooSavvy, warren t claim, Magnificent Rustbucket and 2 others 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skizzer Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 A couple of years ago I had a Jehovah's Witness come up to me and open his spiel with 'Excuse me sir, I can see you're busy, but I was wondering - can you honestly say that you believe in the progress of science and technology over the beneficence of an almighty God?' I'd spent the previous 40 minutes leaning over my Xantia trying to smash stripped air box screws up with a hacksaw blade, a flathead screwdriver and a hammer. Closest I've ever been to joining a cult.Nailed it. cms206, Magnificent Rustbucket, Junkman and 6 others 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Faker Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 Nailed it.A couple of years ago I had a Jehovah's Witness come up to me and open his spiel with 'Excuse me sir, I can see you're busy, but I was wondering - can you honestly say that you believe in the progress of science and technology over the beneficence of an almighty God?'I'd spent the previous 40 minutes leaning over my Xantia trying to smash stripped air box screws up with a hacksaw blade, a flathead screwdriver and a hammer. Closest I've ever been to choking a kunt.Fixed that for yousuns! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pshome Posted July 21, 2018 Share Posted July 21, 2018 Jesus drove a Honda but didn’t talk about it. “For I did not speak of my own accord” - John 12:49 brilliant djim, Pillock, Fabergé Greggs and 5 others 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Conrad D. Conelrad Posted July 21, 2018 Share Posted July 21, 2018 From the underrated Low Cost Big Liability thread. An eBayer is offering a 2004 BMW 760Li with the line "No MOT but can do one if needed" Don't worry mate, I'm exporting it to fucking Jupiter where it doesn't need an MOT because there is no surface on which to drive it. Not too long after it arrives it'll be crushed into an incredibly dense point anyway so I won't be able to drive it. SO NO BOTHER M9 Junkman, rml2345, Brodders and 3 others 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AMC Rebel Posted July 27, 2018 Share Posted July 27, 2018 Crude, but accurate, Sierraman on the e39 thread in moderns Sounds like a lot of work involving people that in an ideal society would have dribbled down their mothers arse crack instead of going on to form an embryo. Skizzer, davehedgehog31, robinmasters and 4 others 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AMC Rebel Posted July 27, 2018 Share Posted July 27, 2018 A familiar story, on both counts really - Your stalking of your old one rather shows that you miss it. I'd liken it to been happily married and perfectly content, but every once in a while you remember that mental bird you went out with years ago and you find yourself knocking one out in the bath thinking about some particularly sordid episode... Junkman, chodweaver, Brodders and 4 others 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chodweaver Posted July 29, 2018 Share Posted July 29, 2018 "...fantastic tartan seats." Tapir, in Kinkersaab's VW h8ter buys Polo thread. Only on the beige... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junkman Posted August 5, 2018 Share Posted August 5, 2018 Jesus drove a Honda but didn’t talk about it. “For I did not speak of my own accord” - John 12:49 brilliant I know for a fact that he drove an Acclaim. Psa 68:18. He triumphed over sin, hell, and death; and his triumph is a believer's triumph. catsinthewelder, eddyramrod, CGSB and 6 others 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chaseracer Posted August 10, 2018 Author Share Posted August 10, 2018 BMW source their timing chains from Armitage Shanks, a fine firm that use the same chain for something a bit less stressful. oldcars, chatsharris, Junkman and 5 others 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flat4alfa Posted August 12, 2018 Share Posted August 12, 2018 On Alfa 147 : If the dog or wife ever get run over, I’d get another in a heartbeat. catsinthewelder, Junkman and cobblers 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alfamale Posted August 19, 2018 Share Posted August 19, 2018 How about renaming this the DaveNumbers memorial trophy, awarded on an annual basis as a fitting tribute to a man with such an eloquent and hilarious turn of phrase. dozeydustman, chodweaver, eddyramrod and 8 others 11 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spartacus Posted August 19, 2018 Share Posted August 19, 2018 +1 for that... AMC Rebel and dozeydustman 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mercrocker Posted August 20, 2018 Share Posted August 20, 2018 And another....brilliant idea. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vulgalour Posted August 20, 2018 Share Posted August 20, 2018 On the tyres Cobbler's Talbot is wearing They've got to be better than the ones that are currently fitted, they do have a certain 'adventurous charm'*. Adventurous Charm does sound like either an obscure Toyota trim level or a terrible Chinese tyre brand. inconsistant, ProgRocker, spartacus and 5 others 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cobblers Posted August 20, 2018 Share Posted August 20, 2018 2nd/3rd gear wheelspin in a 70bhp 3 tonne motorhome is about as adventurous as I ever want to be oldcars and spartacus 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Felly Magic Posted August 21, 2018 Share Posted August 21, 2018 They sound like the 'onehunglo' tyres fitted to a Renner master 16 seater with the horrid computerised gearbox, in slighltly damp conditions, wheelspin til it hit 4th, then stalled, had to manual shift it to 4th and hoof it to finally get going, then shift down, and re Junkman claiming that beardie with sandals from Betlehem, if he was real, I think he would be more of a Toledo man, one with slightly gammy arches, and beige Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abelw44 Posted August 24, 2018 Share Posted August 24, 2018 Enjoyed this description of the enormous power of a T25 from Pillock: My ex had a T2 with an auto box and it was fucking dire. It would struggle to drag a greased weasel across an ice rink. The pedal on the right just made it more or less noisier without any change in velocity Sent from my Nokia 7 plus using Tapatalk Skizzer, Datsuncog, Cavcraft and 9 others 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
95 quid Peugeot Posted August 24, 2018 Share Posted August 24, 2018 ^^^^ cant beat constant speed variable noise LightBulbFun, abelw44, tooSavvy and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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