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Autoshite quote of the Year 2018


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#91 OFFLINE   chodweaver

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Posted 15 June 2018 - 07:31 PM

Pieman on everyone's* favourite* Premiership footballer*

Cristiano Hypertwat Ronaldo

'Ridiculing shit engineering for over half a century'

 

Vomit colour Corsa 1.4 Comfort badermatic (the one constant, reliable thing in my life /Quentin)

XM 2.1 SEDTurbo (leaky driveway ornament)

LT Multicruiser (guest bedroom and backup kitchen)

Mk1 MR2 (rumours of its health are lies)

 

In the Voyager Sanitorium:

Chrysler Graf Spee Limited 3.3 + LPG (suspected OMGHG, Driver's window failure, ABS, AC and driver's seat heater failures)

Spears and reapers Chrysler Graf Spee Limited 3.3 + LPG (suspected long term abuse by PO, passenger's window failure)

 

(I'm sure I've forgotten at least one...)


#92 OFFLINE   MorrisItalSLX

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Posted 17 June 2018 - 12:07 PM

cms206 answering the question "What is the SVM?"

 

"Between 1986 and 1990, a commando arsecrack unit was hunted down and sent to prison by a military court for a skidmark they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Glasgow Underground. Today, still wanted by the government they survive as soldiers of misfortune. If you have antiques to move, sheep to rustle, stuff to flytip or things to deep fry, if no one else can help, and if you can find them... maybe you can hire The SVM-Team."

 

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/2018061...

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/2018061...


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46166620385_56a84bf2c5_o.jpg


#93 OFFLINE   Datsuncog

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Posted 18 June 2018 - 10:10 PM

Supernaut summing up both Dollywobbler, and Autoshite in general, in just two lines:

 

"I need a long-distance cruiser"

*buys a fucked Reliant Fox*


Good job DW! :D

 

Genuine laugh-out-loud moment.


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#94 OFFLINE   AMC Rebel

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Posted 28 June 2018 - 09:49 AM

It’s definitely nutter season, had a fair amount of this recently. Noteable gems included the (highly annoying) ‘????’ when I asked if an item was still for sale. The header of the message included the item name, yet when I had to point out what it was I got nothing in reply. They then readvertised it.
Yesterday I asked on social media if anyone had a certain make and model of car, with a brief list of preferences and the price range.
Woke up this morning to find a private message which was just one picture of a dirty/dusty speedo and no words at all.
After asking what it was supposed to be about, I then received about 239,000 pictures the size of an ant’s left bollock and that seemed to have been taken with a sandpapered fucking milk bottle as a camera.

 

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1994 Range Rover Classic "The Crying Pumpkin" cried off, rusty
2003 Jaaaag XJ 260K miles and counting
2000 Ford Mondeo Verona 1.8 pez FOR SALE Now with new As owner
2000 Ford Puma 1.7 - Roffled and now with new AS owner
1968 AMC Rebel SST convertible (working and road legal but in limp home mode)
1967 AMC Rebel SST convertible (superior body and originality being slowly raided for spares for the '68) Off road for at least the last 25 years
1956 Chevy 210 4 door hardtop - bought in 2000 and still in my garage - I even do a bit of work on it occasionally - long term project
2005 MG ZT-T awaiting completion of engine transplant of spare V6 after OMG HGF on the engine that "never has that problem"
2005 Land Rover Discovery - for long trips and moving engines

#95 OFFLINE   Pillock

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Posted 29 June 2018 - 10:53 PM

Conrad T Justice revealing his Hobbycraft Get Rich Quick scheme

 

 

I'm doing well out of their unofficial affiliate programme (that's where I say nice things about them online then shoplift glitter glue).

 

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#96 OFFLINE   flat4alfa

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Posted 03 July 2018 - 11:34 AM

From the TriggerMarina thread

 

Oooh I can just feel the back of my legs sticking to those seats in this weather.

"Hey man, nice scars! Were you in the army or Fire Brigade or something?"

 

"Naaah. Marina Estate, Clacton, 1984"


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#97 OFFLINE   clayts450

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Posted 08 July 2018 - 09:26 AM

Dave numbers on the magic of telephone customer service

 

I found a phone number which led to a menu system but rather than the usual "press one for sales, press two to speak to the canteen dinner ladies, press three for billing...." you have to talk to the robot woman who uses voice recognition to completely ignore what you want and connect you to some department that will be no use. So after going through various combinations of "technical problem", "faulty line", "internet doesnt work" and so on, and getting replies like "we will connect you to online banking" and "you want to change your offer? we will connect you to sales..." it turns out that screaming "fucking cunt" at your telephone loud enough to hurt your own throat seems to transfer you to a person.

 


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Current Fleet

1992 Rover 214 SLi (Oct 2018->) status: broken 1994 Rover 420 SLi (Apr 2019->) status: yesoyes

1996 Rover 620 Si auto (Jan 2019->) status: wafty barge2004 Rover Streetwise S (May 2017->) status: willing puppy/daily

 

Historical choddage (stopped driving 1999-2016)
1969 VW Beetle 1300 1977 Morris Marina 1.3 Super1983 Skoda Estelle 120L19can't remember: Rover Metro; Vauxhall CorsaVauxhall Cavalier ; 
2001 Rover 45 V6 Connie (May to Oct 2018); 2003 Chrysler PT Cruiser CRD Limited (Jan 18 to Jan 19 - roffled off here, now with fellow Shiter's missus here)


#98 OFFLINE   clayts450

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Posted 08 July 2018 - 09:27 AM

Dave numbers on the perils of a visit to the shopping centre

 

 

 

You know those old-timey paintings of purgatory and the seven circles of hell and stuff like that full of people being ass-fucked by goat-headed demons and children being decapitated and folk disemboweling themselves? they are pretty much a realtime snapshot of the shopping centre on a Saturday afternoon on the first day of the summer holidays.

 

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Current Fleet

1992 Rover 214 SLi (Oct 2018->) status: broken 1994 Rover 420 SLi (Apr 2019->) status: yesoyes

1996 Rover 620 Si auto (Jan 2019->) status: wafty barge2004 Rover Streetwise S (May 2017->) status: willing puppy/daily

 

Historical choddage (stopped driving 1999-2016)
1969 VW Beetle 1300 1977 Morris Marina 1.3 Super1983 Skoda Estelle 120L19can't remember: Rover Metro; Vauxhall CorsaVauxhall Cavalier ; 
2001 Rover 45 V6 Connie (May to Oct 2018); 2003 Chrysler PT Cruiser CRD Limited (Jan 18 to Jan 19 - roffled off here, now with fellow Shiter's missus here)


#99 Guest_Hooli_*

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Posted 08 July 2018 - 09:28 AM

I'm a fan of Mr number's posting style too.


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#100 OFFLINE   lesapandre

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Posted 08 July 2018 - 09:59 AM

Ebay post:

 

Will be MOT exempt in 6 years


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#101 ONLINE   oldcars

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Posted 11 July 2018 - 08:33 AM

This cracker from Shiterider in his Robin thread.

 

No problem, i'll not be a long term owner of either realistically i've a 60 mile round daily commute that normally consists of a least two twat's pulling out on me and at least one dangerous over/undertake so i'd rather not put my life in the hands of a drum braked bathroom suite.
They are wicked cool fun to drive though. 


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#102 OFFLINE   Conrad D. Conelrad

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Posted 13 July 2018 - 02:19 PM

A van in the eBay thread:

 

s-l1600.jpg

 

This is like sitting inside Homer Simpsons head looking outwards. Creepy.

 


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#103 OFFLINE   Cavcraft

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Posted 15 July 2018 - 10:18 AM

On further reflection, mine has a tendency to need trailering away as well and I've sunk a lot more into it than the starting price of this one, so maybe it's me who's the swivel-eyed loon in this scenario.

 

 

More brilliance from Martin in the 'ebay tat' thread. 


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"As for actually admitting to liking Corsas on a public forum: you're a bollock-brained, biscuit-eating, faux-northern, bastardy, bollocky, wank-brain"

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#104 OFFLINE   catsinthewelder

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Posted 19 July 2018 - 06:49 PM

Justin Case nearly causing a gin/keyboard interface in the members who've left thread

 

 

It must be something to be banned from  a forum where the highest accolade is to be judged the winner of the C*nt Count Competition :o


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95 Rover 220SLi

94 Peugeot 405 Estate
93 Land Rover Discovery 200TDI

90 Dacia 1310


#105 OFFLINE   Skizzer

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Posted 20 July 2018 - 11:29 AM

A couple of years ago I had a Jehovah's Witness come up to me and open his spiel with 'Excuse me sir, I can see you're busy, but I was wondering - can you honestly say that you believe in the progress of science and technology over the beneficence of an almighty God?'

I'd spent the previous 40 minutes leaning over my Xantia trying to smash stripped air box screws up with a hacksaw blade, a flathead screwdriver and a hammer. Closest I've ever been to joining a cult.

Nailed it.
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75N Vauxhall 2300S | 76P Lotus Elite | 76P Renault 16TL | 79T Rover 3500 | 82X Lancia Gamma Coupe | 82Y Jaguar XJ-S HE | 83A Jaguar Sovereign 4.2 | 84B Talbot-Matra Rancho | 85C Ford Granada 2.8 estate | 89G Honda Accord Aerodeck EX | 91H Audi 80 2.0E | 91J VW Golf Rivage cabrio | 06 Alfa Brera 2.2JTS | 14 BMW 428i | 18 Skoda Kodiaq

#106 OFFLINE   Faker

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Posted 20 July 2018 - 12:01 PM

Nailed it.


A couple of years ago I had a Jehovah's Witness come up to me and open his spiel with 'Excuse me sir, I can see you're busy, but I was wondering - can you honestly say that you believe in the progress of science and technology over the beneficence of an almighty God?'
I'd spent the previous 40 minutes leaning over my Xantia trying to smash stripped air box screws up with a hacksaw blade, a flathead screwdriver and a hammer. Closest I've ever been to choking a kunt.


Fixed that for yousuns!
reliving my youth

#107 OFFLINE   pshome

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Posted 21 July 2018 - 05:42 PM

Jesus drove a Honda but didn’t talk about it. “For I did not speak of my own accord” - John 12:49

http://i.imgur.com/O2rpW.jpg...

brilliant
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1978 504 GL
1977 504 V6 Convertible
1982 Tagora 2.2 Automatic
2002 Zafira Diesel
2004 Corolla Diesel
2017 Duster 1.2

1986 505 Turbo Injection
1981 Talbot Tagora Dinin replica
1983 Talbot Tagora SX
1981 Talbot Tagora GLS

1984 505 Turbo Injection
1989 505 SX
1982 Talbot Tagora SX

http://www.altefranzosen.de
http://www.504cc.de
http://www.talbot-tagora.com
http://www.504forum.de
http://www.talbot-tagora.de

http://schulzeknipst.de

 


#108 OFFLINE   Conrad D. Conelrad

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Posted 21 July 2018 - 11:56 PM

From the underrated Low Cost Big Liability thread. An eBayer is offering a 2004 BMW 760Li with the line "No MOT but can do one if needed"

 

Don't worry mate, I'm exporting it to fucking Jupiter where it doesn't need an MOT because there is no surface on which to drive it. Not too long after it arrives it'll be crushed into an incredibly dense point anyway so I won't be able to drive it.

 
SO NO BOTHER M9

 


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#109 OFFLINE   AMC Rebel

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Posted 27 July 2018 - 03:27 PM

Crude, but accurate, Sierraman on the e39 thread in moderns

 

 

 

Sounds like a lot of work involving people that in an ideal society would have dribbled down their mothers arse crack instead of going on to form an embryo.

 

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1994 Range Rover Classic "The Crying Pumpkin" cried off, rusty
2003 Jaaaag XJ 260K miles and counting
2000 Ford Mondeo Verona 1.8 pez FOR SALE Now with new As owner
2000 Ford Puma 1.7 - Roffled and now with new AS owner
1968 AMC Rebel SST convertible (working and road legal but in limp home mode)
1967 AMC Rebel SST convertible (superior body and originality being slowly raided for spares for the '68) Off road for at least the last 25 years
1956 Chevy 210 4 door hardtop - bought in 2000 and still in my garage - I even do a bit of work on it occasionally - long term project
2005 MG ZT-T awaiting completion of engine transplant of spare V6 after OMG HGF on the engine that "never has that problem"
2005 Land Rover Discovery - for long trips and moving engines

#110 OFFLINE   AMC Rebel

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Posted 27 July 2018 - 03:59 PM

A familiar story, on both counts really -

 

 

Your stalking of your old one rather shows that you miss it.
I'd liken it to been happily married and perfectly content, but every once in a while you remember that mental bird you went out with years ago and you find yourself knocking one out in the bath thinking about some particularly sordid episode...

 

  • Skizzer, mercrocker, Junkman and 4 others like this
1994 Range Rover Classic "The Crying Pumpkin" cried off, rusty
2003 Jaaaag XJ 260K miles and counting
2000 Ford Mondeo Verona 1.8 pez FOR SALE Now with new As owner
2000 Ford Puma 1.7 - Roffled and now with new AS owner
1968 AMC Rebel SST convertible (working and road legal but in limp home mode)
1967 AMC Rebel SST convertible (superior body and originality being slowly raided for spares for the '68) Off road for at least the last 25 years
1956 Chevy 210 4 door hardtop - bought in 2000 and still in my garage - I even do a bit of work on it occasionally - long term project
2005 MG ZT-T awaiting completion of engine transplant of spare V6 after OMG HGF on the engine that "never has that problem"
2005 Land Rover Discovery - for long trips and moving engines

#111 OFFLINE   chodweaver

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Posted 29 July 2018 - 07:15 PM

"...fantastic tartan seats."

Tapir, in Kinkersaab's VW h8ter buys Polo thread.

Only on the beige...

'Ridiculing shit engineering for over half a century'

 

Vomit colour Corsa 1.4 Comfort badermatic (the one constant, reliable thing in my life /Quentin)

XM 2.1 SEDTurbo (leaky driveway ornament)

LT Multicruiser (guest bedroom and backup kitchen)

Mk1 MR2 (rumours of its health are lies)

 

In the Voyager Sanitorium:

Chrysler Graf Spee Limited 3.3 + LPG (suspected OMGHG, Driver's window failure, ABS, AC and driver's seat heater failures)

Spears and reapers Chrysler Graf Spee Limited 3.3 + LPG (suspected long term abuse by PO, passenger's window failure)

 

(I'm sure I've forgotten at least one...)


#112 OFFLINE   Nyphur

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Posted 05 August 2018 - 04:17 PM

Junkman driving around the problem.

 

The FFF developed a creaking noise. Upon closer* inspection, it appears to come from the front ball joints.

But since it was only audible at low speeds, we decided to alleviate the problem by driving faster.

 

 


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#113 OFFLINE   Junkman

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Posted 05 August 2018 - 04:31 PM

 

Jesus drove a Honda but didn’t talk about it. “For I did not speak of my own accord” - John 12:49

http://i.imgur.com/O2rpW.jpg...


brilliant

 

 

I know for a fact that he drove an Acclaim.

 

Psa 68:18. He triumphed over sin, hell, and death; and his triumph is a believer's triumph.


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Have you had your Brexit today?


#114 OFFLINE   chaseracer

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Posted 10 August 2018 - 05:59 PM

BMW source their timing chains from Armitage Shanks, a fine firm that use the same chain for something a bit less stressful.


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2018 DS 3 - Domestic Management's staff car

2009 Cannondale Quick CX - too much like hard work
2003 Citroen Berlingo 2.0HDi - buggering on regardless
1995 Peugeot 205 Inca 1.7D - working
1982 Citroen Dyane 6 - hiding...


#115 OFFLINE   flat4alfa

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Posted 12 August 2018 - 08:21 PM

On Alfa 147 :

 

If the dog or wife ever get run over, I’d get another in a heartbeat.


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#116 OFFLINE   Nyphur

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Posted 19 August 2018 - 08:43 PM

In the last few weeks I've:

 

1) Sorted out the shite rear drum brakes on a mates Zetec S Fiesta

2) Fixed the inoperable fuel gauge on the Audi A4 I bought for my mate from Bramz

3) Helped my dad tart up his freelander pre MOT, various jobs

4) Changed the fuel filter on my Octavia, had a butchers at the brakes

 

Without fail, every time I have said "WHY IS NOTHING EVER FUCKING SIMPLE?!". So that is my autoshite quote of the year.


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#117 OFFLINE   Alfamale

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Posted 19 August 2018 - 08:51 PM

How about renaming this the DaveNumbers memorial trophy, awarded on an annual basis as a fitting tribute to a man with such an eloquent and hilarious turn of phrase.
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#118 OFFLINE   spartacus

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Posted 19 August 2018 - 09:53 PM

+1 for that...
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#119 OFFLINE   mercrocker

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Posted 20 August 2018 - 12:22 PM

And another....brilliant idea.


1963 Morry Thou

1955 Cowley

1987 VW T25 Holdsworth

1990 190E

197? Portafold Caravan 

2000 Fiesta Zetec Ghia

 


#120 OFFLINE   Nyphur

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Posted 20 August 2018 - 01:13 PM


 

So, I greased the Cowley yesterday which thankless task was fully rewarded with finding a split in the offside steering rack gaiter wider, blacker and greasier than Janet Pulborough's fanny at Tech college.

 

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