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Autoshite quote of the Year 2018


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146 replies to this topic

#61 OFFLINE   Slartibartfast

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Posted 25 April 2018 - 11:30 AM

Raging against the dying of the light. We came from dust, we will return to dust, most of life is suffering. None of this matters. But at least you might have some tales to tell in the autoshite old people's home for the terminally deluded.


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#62 ONLINE   BorniteIdentity

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Posted 27 April 2018 - 08:23 AM

abelw44 succinctly summing up the general feeling towards "Volkswagen Audi Group"

 

 

 

 I previously established the sentiment towards VAG products here can be described as frosty at best

 

It's a good thread too! You should read it.


1999 Toyota Avensis SR.  233k|   1996 Toyota Granvia.  186k|   1989 Mercedes Benz 190 bASe.  97k|   1983 Ford Sierra bASe.  154k|

 

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#63 ONLINE   quicksilver

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Posted 27 April 2018 - 04:17 PM

Datsuncog on top form

Honoured and humbled as I am to have my nom-de-guerre held in such high regard, I would find it hard to consider myself anywhere near the Shite Hero levels of so many legends who battle daily on these beige pages.

 

I would tend to view myself as both of the Chuckle Brothers smooshed together to create a gestalt entity, who then decide to self-harm through the medium of decrepit French hatchbacks.

 

But it's nice to know that my inept histrionics can raise a smile, nonetheless.

 

And an equally brilliant response

You see the use of terms such as nom-de-guerre, gestalt entity, and Chuckle Brothers in the same post is just one of those things that sets this place apart!


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Always look on the Shite side of life

 

1999 Vauxhall Zafira - shit or shite?

1978 Austin Maxi - proper shite or proper classic?

1972 Renault 6 - genuine garage find

 

Rusty Old Rubbish - a shite blog about shite and stuff


#64 OFFLINE   Split_Pin

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Posted 29 April 2018 - 05:28 PM

Stop the fucking bus a min, judge the best chap based on a load of old flannel on the internet???? Get out in the real world you freaks, book a village hall and do some real trials, points system, who can down a pint of diesel fastest, snort a line of Datsun Sunny bell housing dust, retrieve a sump plug from a washing up bowl of hot 20W40 treacle with your mouth, that kind of crack. Base Maestro and AVAS knuckle tattoo for the winner, trendy £150 haircut and a years supply of tights booby prize.


Posted on this thread with no irony intended!
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#65 OFFLINE   clayts450

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Posted 30 April 2018 - 07:39 PM

njgleeds on the merits of the structural integrity of a C3 Pluriel, recently advertised here

 

 

You could park one of these fuckers in the middle of a third world drought hit country and the foot wells would be full by the following lunchtime. 

 

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#66 OFFLINE   Slartibartfast

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Posted 02 May 2018 - 01:54 PM

Mrs Talbot's words of wisdom about the Great Roffle of Randomness:

"I dunno why we're guessing. It's probably some crappy old Laguna in a colour that no-one can agree on, with so much "personality" that you have to study under some obscure Chineese master in order to be able to actually get it to move".


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#67 OFFLINE   flat4alfa

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Posted 03 May 2018 - 09:24 AM

Roffle Thought Flow chart*

 

  • Ohh that looks a nice car
  • Its only how much a ticket ..
  • that’s a bargain..
  • that’s for a whole car!
  • I will be such a winner driving round in that…
  • Right I will have a ticket ..
  • Just one isn’t enough …
  • maybe two…
  • Yes two ..
  • “Two tickets please mister”
  • Daydreams driving the motor through crowded streets
  • All the kids stop and point at the winner driving by…
  • They whisper that he stuck it to the man…
  • Wanders round in bliss for 10 minutes …
  • Checks car location …
  • Fucking Shetland…
  • Arse…
  • Thinks about cancelling …
  • Scared that strange people on the internet will judge him
  • Rationalises it as a sort of holiday that the other half will tolerate/almost like/let him go by himself
  • Breathes again…
  • Its ok …
  • unlikely to win it …
  • Panics …
  • but I better have another look
  • Ohh that looks a nice car
  • Its only how much a ticket ..
  • that’s a bargain..
  • that’s for a whole car!
  • I will be such a winner driving round in that…
  • Right I will have a another ticket .. 

 

*other thought processes are available. 


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#68 OFFLINE   spartacus

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Posted 03 May 2018 - 08:55 PM

"You gotta be quick here mate - any time that lovely green tag pops up we're like tramps on chips..."
clayts450 on a for sale thread.
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#69 ONLINE   davehedgehog31

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Posted 03 May 2018 - 09:15 PM

Some tremendous patter in this thread.

DatsunCogs Samuel Pepys tale of woe takes the biscuit though, tears of laughter.
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Chods;

 

1994 Peugeot 405 GTX 1.9 XUD Turbo

 

2003 Suzuki Alto 1.1 GL

 

2007 Citroen C1 1.0i Vibe


#70 OFFLINE   flat4alfa

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Posted 04 May 2018 - 09:18 AM

The Samuel Pepys tale of woe wins the whole biscuit aisle!

 

Sir Cog of Dat has his own blog in case you fancied a wander

https://datsuncog.wordpress.com/


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#71 OFFLINE   clayts450

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Posted 04 May 2018 - 10:15 AM

Datsuncog on the rollercoaster Brown Trout E39 roffle/sale thread

 

 

There's more twists and turns here than trying to scoop an actual trout with ADHD into a Teflon bucket filled with KY Jelly using graphite-coated gloves, all the while being sprayed with silicone grease by a meddlesome bystander.


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#72 ONLINE   Dave_Q

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Posted 05 May 2018 - 06:11 PM

Stop all the clocks, switch off the mobile phone,
Watch it there on the flatbed busted and alone
Silence the Pianos, mark off the date
Remember it was totally fucking fucked M8

Safely on the HIAB tucked
Let the message go out - the Zafira is fucked
Take a deep breath, surrender, and be bolder
And on the internet write “nite nite litl Solja”

(“All Vauxhall’s are shit”, W H Auden 1967)


On WWs dead Zafira.


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09 Fiat Multipla

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too many pushbikes (apparently)


#73 OFFLINE   Sigmund Fraud

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Posted 06 May 2018 - 10:52 AM

 

AS has always been the car forum where people with issues can find a home.

 

 

May I nominate this to be the new forum subtitle ?

 

:mrgreen:


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#74 OFFLINE   Split_Pin

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Posted 07 May 2018 - 09:14 PM



I wasn't really looking for a robin at all I fancied a volvo 240, but these came up


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#75 OFFLINE   Junkman

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Posted 07 May 2018 - 11:32 PM

 

 
 

 

 

May I nominate this to be the new forum subtitle ?

 

:mrgreen:

 

 

 

Your issueshite is our concern?


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#76 OFFLINE   somewhatfoolish

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Posted 11 May 2018 - 05:25 PM

I was staying in a cheap Etap hotel on some road trip or other. The rooms are often mirror images of each other to ease construction and plumbing. This became apparent when I was brushing my teeth and could clearly hear the guy in the next room having a shit as his toilet was likely back to back with mine with just the wall between them. This was confirmed when he flushed and bits of turd bobbed up in my toilet bowl accompanied by a worrying rise in water level. I flushed it and from the obscenities heard they made a re-appearance chez him. We "snowballed" these poonuggets back and forth a couple more times before they finally went down the soil pipe, with me laughing and him cursing at the absurdity of the situation.

 

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post-9424-0-06631200-1530529320.jpg


#77 OFFLINE   Split_Pin

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Posted 11 May 2018 - 05:29 PM

My parents got new bathooms installed about 12 years ago and I remember noting mid- construction that 2 of the toilets had been moved so that they sat back-to-back and had a common soil pipe. I will need to run this test :)
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#78 OFFLINE   cort1977

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Posted 11 May 2018 - 07:21 PM

 "sub £500 jewels of the net"

 

WilsonWilson discussing his regrettably short term Nissan.


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#79 OFFLINE   Split_Pin

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Posted 14 May 2018 - 03:24 PM




Do we need to develop our own AS Dating Service?

Plenty Of Rust?

OKQuartic?

AngleGrindr?


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#80 OFFLINE   chodweaver

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Posted 15 May 2018 - 09:46 AM

Another corker from Datsuncog:

"speak like a depressed marmoset with a wet sports sock in its mouth, channelling the spirit of Ian Paisley."
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Vomit colour Corsa 1.4 Comfort badermatic (the one constant, reliable thing in my life /Quentin)

XM 2.1 SEDTurbo (leaky driveway ornament)

Chrysler Graf Spee Limited 3.3 + LPG (suspected OMGHG, ABS, AC and driver's seat heater failures)

LT Multicruiser (guest bedroom and backup kitchen)

Mk1 MR2 (rumours of its health are lies)

 

(I'm sure I've forgotten at least one...)


#81 ONLINE   chaseracer

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Posted 20 May 2018 - 04:45 PM

I thought I'd get away with it Parcelfarce at the PO, but the cashier had vernier eyeballs.

 

:lol:


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#82 OFFLINE   twosmoke300

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Posted 20 May 2018 - 06:17 PM

Missed that originally but that’s brilliant .
Mk1 eyeball never fails

One of the funniest things ive read on here - RIP Dave

 

Quote

 

Brilliant... late in for lunch I fired up an off-brand pot noodle and while carrying it to the lounge successfully spilled it all over myself, burned the piss out of my hand, soaked my phone with the juice, soaked a load of expense receipts I was also carrying and it hit the hall floor and just fucking exploded....it was literally dripping from the ceiling in my newly decorated hallway. The obvious and considered reaction was to throw an immediate, massive paddy and boot the fucker down the hall while screaming, which has made the whole scenario about 18 times worse.


#83 ONLINE   catsinthewelder

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Posted 20 May 2018 - 10:32 PM

I bought my old Robin from this fellow a few years back - the seller is a very pleasant retired fellow who used to work for Bond and now spends his spare time converting Robins to pick-ups, God only knows why. Mine made it to the M4 before it conked out in a puff of smoke and had to be towed home to Surrey. 6 months later (after replacing pretty well everything on the car which was a total lemon) I managed to drive it to Oslo, Norway where I was based at the time. Radiator blew a mile into journey though radweld did its job nicely until I'ld limped to the ferry port in Denmark after many autobahn adventures. Wouldn't start to disembark ferry arriving in Norway, luckily a loaned hammer and thwack on the  (new) starter and it whirred back into life. Made it to my garage before timing chain slipped and clutch went. Eventually sold it to a retired bearded Viking who's hobby was converting cars to amphibious vehicles and touring the lakes of Europe in them - suspect Robin is now at the bottom of Lake Garda. Interestingly the Norwegians classed it as a motorbike not a car, so was able to cruise Oslo's electric-car-lanes avoiding traffic-jams. Incidentally Robin was a bit of a babe-magnet and a hoot to drive. 

 

post-20567-0-30946600-1526645091.jpg

 

post-20567-0-98935900-1526645101.jpg


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96 Rover 214

95 Rover 220SLi

94 Peugeot 405 Estate
93 Land Rover Discovery 200TDI

90 Dacia 1310


#84 OFFLINE   flat4alfa

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Posted 25 May 2018 - 10:05 AM

2-times-Wilson's noisy Picasso gearbox experience

 

 

Just sounds like someone is standing on a cat once you get up to 30.
Then sounds like someone is standing on two cats at 40.
At 50, the man standing on cats has obviously run out of legs so its sounds like two men standing on three cats. One cat bearing the weight of two men, then one cat under the other foot of both men. Definitely louder in the middle because of the increased weight applied there.
At 70 it sounds like a world war 2 hand wound air raid siren, operated at full chat by these two men standing on three cats.

 

:lol:


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#85 ONLINE   chaseracer

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Posted 27 May 2018 - 02:58 PM

...I guess to shiters like us lot somebody has finally left this world when their cars are no more...

 

Indeed.


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2018 DS 3 - Domestic Management's staff car

2009 Cannondale Quick CX - too much like hard work
2003 Citroen Berlingo 2.0HDi - buggering on regardless
1995 Peugeot 205 Inca 1.7D - working
1982 Citroen Dyane 6 - hiding...

AS Midland Massiv - in chod we rust...


#86 ONLINE   Craig the Princess

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Posted 30 May 2018 - 08:25 AM

I'm still curious as to why Yugoplod pulled you over. To me, two hippies in an ancient Dacia doesn't immediately scream "easy financial gain"...


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Filtered through the Heather!


#87 OFFLINE   clayts450

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Posted 31 May 2018 - 07:07 PM

Dave numbers on waterless chod cleaning products

 

 

Im no three-bucket pervert or anything, but I personally wouldnt use it. I would guess that DetailingWorld types already have about 15 layers of wax made from Queen Nefertitis breast milk, and farting near the car would be enough to blow most dirt off its molecularly smooth paint.


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Current

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#88 OFFLINE   somewhatfoolish

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Posted 03 June 2018 - 08:17 PM

Yes, ta, I'll stick with the AA for now. Eventually I find an actual garage and pay £40 for a new battery on the promise I'll be paid back. If I don't, it's being set on fire and driven through their office window, and I don't care it's on the first floor.


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post-9424-0-06631200-1530529320.jpg


#89 OFFLINE   Junkman

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Posted 04 June 2018 - 12:34 AM

s-l1600.jpg
 

If I see this hawking over-priced hipster food somewhere later this summer, I will set fire to the fucker's beard and piss in his Skinny Latte Mochamuck.

[url=https://www.ebay.co....us/153044202679


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1967 Renault 16 Grand Luxe............................Thanks to Weber now running well on regular gas

1979 Mobylette AV89...............................................................................Miss Lette

1997 Peugeot 405 2.0 Executive Estate.........................................now with yet another MoT


#90 OFFLINE   Datsuncog

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Posted 05 June 2018 - 10:50 AM

Sierraman's succinct take on Ebay buyers who want your item alright, but mysteriously only ever appear to have half the cash:

 

I pity the people that have to live with these people. If you chucked their head on a fire it'd burn for a month.


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