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Autoshite quote of the Year 2018


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153 replies to this topic

#31 OFFLINE   spartacus

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Posted 04 March 2018 - 01:55 PM

You can have one of these, or money in the bank.
You can't have both

Bren, on drum's new Range Rover.
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#32 OFFLINE   AMC Rebel

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Posted 05 March 2018 - 09:33 AM

I'm amazed I wasn't throttled by the harrassed staff at our local Texas. My dad would only have popped in for five litres of white emulsion, yet I would be all over the doorbell board like Rick Wakeman after freebasing a load of PCP.

Forget Roland, Moog or Casio. I was a Friedland virtuoso.

"Bing-bong, bingbongbingbong. Hrrrrrrrrrrt."

 

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2005 Land Rover Discovery - for long trips and moving engines 


#33 OFFLINE   flat4alfa

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Posted 06 March 2018 - 06:36 PM

Something is being covered up and using this Wiggins bollocks to hide it. Sport as a whole is benter than Julian Clary in a dress at a pride event at Pontins


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#34 OFFLINE   davocano

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Posted 12 March 2018 - 06:10 PM

Imagine that. Actually replacing a Lexus with an Invacar.

 

I haz both headache and warm glowing warming glow


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#35 OFFLINE   catsinthewelder

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Posted 14 March 2018 - 12:21 AM

 

Those alloys are awful. It looks like you ran over a turtle then chromed it.

 

 

Go and like 3VOM's post here


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#36 OFFLINE   Disco Fever

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Posted 14 March 2018 - 07:23 AM

I just literally bust my clacker valve laughing at Samuel Pepys and his Rover 75 there. Splendid!


Fantastic. Reading it on a busy train. Shaking with mirth so much, I still have 2 seats to myself. Result.
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#37 OFFLINE   catsinthewelder

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Posted 15 March 2018 - 08:39 AM

One of those quotes that you would only find on here,

fraiser.innes.3

That's when I found out I had won. I was rather looking forward to an autoshite mug in a roffle, but I ended up with a 4.6 v8 range rover instead!
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#38 OFFLINE   Slartibartfast

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Posted 15 March 2018 - 09:42 AM

Sure enough about 3 weeks later the machine started to sound like someone firing a machine gun into a skip full of metal dustbins.


Proper made me laugh this morning.
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#39 OFFLINE   johngarty

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Posted 15 March 2018 - 09:57 AM

Datsuncog, on 05 Jan 2018 - 3:48 PM, said:snapback.png

However I may appear to the rest of the world, I'm just not really that into cocks.

 

It will take some to beat this.


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#40 OFFLINE   Cavcraft

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Posted 18 March 2018 - 09:03 AM

I got pulled by the BBC because I wasn't far enough to the left

 


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#41 ONLINE   Supernaut

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Posted 22 March 2018 - 01:50 PM

I’d be happy to give one to big Clive.


Couldn't find the double entendre thread.
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I don't have a 320touring, but I have a 320 coupe.

Speak to other shiters on Discord!

#42 OFFLINE   catsinthewelder

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Posted 22 March 2018 - 11:14 PM

Autoshites minor spats often cause humour,  Conalrad starts it nicely with

 

 

Of course there's a little forum drama now and then, but that's forums. You could start a crocheting forum with only two old ladies on it and within a month they'd be on each other's ignore lists.

 

And Datsuncog replies fantastically with

 

"Could"?

Mrs DC sometimes shows me the shit that goes down on the Ravelry forum. That's knitting, crochet and other yarncrafts.

Fuck me, dem yarn hoares is fierce.

I'm told they have a group called "Rubberneckers" whose sole purpose is gleefully reposting the various spats, strops, threats, hysterical breakdowns and faked-deaths (no, really) over the head of something as apparently genteel as yarncraft.

They probably say things like, " Hey shithead, if you can't hack it on the lacework boards, go take your whiny bitch ass over to an old car forum where no-one ever gets their face stabbed with a set of super-sharp DPNs."

I reckon you're being extremely optimistic in thinking they could go a whole month before someone threatens to pop a cap in someone else's ass.

Even when things aren't going so well, this place is still like a teddy bears' picnic in comparison. I'm serious.

 

http://autoshite.com...or-grabs/page-3


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#43 OFFLINE   DSdriver

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Posted 24 March 2018 - 11:20 PM

What happened to the description of how the DVLA works, was it last year?


JohnF said:
"I have to say, I don't really like the styling of Citroens.

But I just love the fact that they exist."

#44 OFFLINE   MorrisItalSLX

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Posted 27 March 2018 - 07:00 AM

Must have been the best job in the world being a coach seat designer in the 80's. All you had to do was get smashed out of your bonce on Class A, then get the crayons out.

 

8e8.png


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#45 ONLINE   BorniteIdentity

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Posted 27 March 2018 - 08:00 AM

Mercrocker on the controversial £3500 Peugeot 405.

 

 

put £3.5K into Ebay fixed price car listings and despair at the parade of dismal shit that sort of money buys you.  

 

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#46 OFFLINE   rantingYoof

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Posted 28 March 2018 - 07:59 PM

cort on a £3.5k V6 turbo diesel Renault Espace with 47k on the clock...

 

Dear god it'd be less painful eating 3500 in pound coins than spending 3500 on that Espace. I like them but the max spend should be about 700 quid.


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Cure for insomnia #57812: rantingYoof's Historic Car Fleet Information History...Thing

 


#47 OFFLINE   catsinthewelder

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Posted 02 April 2018 - 10:20 PM

They-all-do-that-sir replies to xtriple

 

I've seen enough of Panhard's posts to have the fear of god around a cheap Bentley/rolls.....and enough of yours to have the fear around an expensive cared for example!

 

 

http://autoshite.com...read/?p=1469381


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#48 OFFLINE   vulgalour

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Posted 03 April 2018 - 03:46 PM

https://i.ebayimg.com/images/g/kMQAAOSws...
 
'2-berth' LOL! i think its fairly clear that you will be holidaying in this ALONE.


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#49 OFFLINE   AMC Rebel

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Posted 03 April 2018 - 03:59 PM

I wonder what lives in that garage that is important enough to displace it from the warm and dry?

Depending on who rules the roost in that house, I'd say it is either a Bugatti Royale or a washing machine and tumble dryer. My money is on the latter.

 

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2005 MG ZT-T awaiting completion of engine transplant of spare V6 after OMG HGF on the engine that "never has that problem"

2005 Land Rover Discovery - for long trips and moving engines 


#50 OFFLINE   flat4alfa

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Posted 04 April 2018 - 03:14 PM

On the Olds 350 Diesel:

 

Engine sounded like a boiler full of masturbating skeletons and it stank to high heaven.


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#51 OFFLINE   Tadhg Tiogar

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Posted 06 April 2018 - 10:01 AM

It's got to be this one on the Festival thread

 

..... a 2CV... I've been wanting to properly expose my husband to one for years now.

F*ck your Honda Civic, I've a horse outside,
F*ck your Subaru, I have a horse outside.
And f*ck your Mitsubishi, I've a horse outside,
If you're lookin' for a ride, I've got a horse outside

#52 ONLINE   Hooli

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Posted 06 April 2018 - 02:11 PM

Anything by Datsuncog


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Opinions expressed are those of this cunt, not any other cunt. They do not represent the views of those responsible for this forum.
Like any true Englishman I'm never unintentionally rude. If you're offended by this post, good as that is what was intended.

#53 OFFLINE   chatsharris

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Posted 10 April 2018 - 01:15 AM

This advert from Bucketeer that's comprehensive and informing
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#54 OFFLINE   Split_Pin

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Posted 10 April 2018 - 07:56 PM



While she was popping the end of a 50p hot dog in her mouth I dropped the B Bomb.

"IVE BOUGHT A BROWN CAR DO YOU WANT SOME MUSTARD WE HAVE TO COLLECT IT IN AN HOUR."



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#55 OFFLINE   quicksilver

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Posted 11 April 2018 - 03:40 PM

Sorry if it brings back any traumatic memories of Davegate but this made me properly ROFL

Thinking about it, I reckon DaveNotDave had grand* aspirations of being an inept, low-rent, tubby Zuckerberg. Maybe, if things had been different, this forum could have taken over an area the size of Skegness. Imagine the possibilities.


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Always look on the Shite side of life

 

1999 Vauxhall Zafira - shit or shite?

1978 Austin Maxi - proper shite or proper classic?

1972 Renault 6 - genuine garage find

 

Rusty Old Rubbish - a shite blog about shite and stuff


#56 OFFLINE   flat4alfa

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Posted 11 April 2018 - 05:37 PM

On Peugeots:

 

I'd rather sell one of my buttocks than my 405.


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#57 OFFLINE   Sigmund Fraud

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Posted 11 April 2018 - 09:35 PM

 

Slower than a weekend locked in a Rhyl B&B with Nigel Mansell.


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#58 OFFLINE   MorrisItalSLX

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Posted 17 April 2018 - 12:17 AM

It's been downrated to 3.5 tonnes though, so a packet of carrots from the Co-op carelessly lobbed onto the back is going to see VOSA tearing you a new bum hole.


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#59 OFFLINE   richardthestag

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Posted 19 April 2018 - 09:04 AM

Mercrockers on Squire Dawsons desire to 'av a go in a Beetle

 

Remove 1 x Morris Minor plug lead. 

 

Put on a really, really loose steering wheel cover, making sure you grease the Morris wheel first. 

 

Introduce 4 suitably-sized sockets or similar metal items into the silencer via the tailpipe.  

 

Every time  you buy a spare part put the same amount of money that it cost into an envelope and set fire to it.   

  

Arrange the headlamp switch so that it cannot progress beyond the first-click sidelight position.   

 

That should just about cover it.....

 

 

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Renna Clio Expression+ 16v Barg for #3 son

 


#60 OFFLINE   somewhatfoolish

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Posted 24 April 2018 - 12:22 PM

2 times Wilson's guide to more picturesque speech;

Sour beans in this burrito but just keep eating till you shit yourself. Youve literally got nothing to lose man.

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post-9424-0-06631200-1530529320.jpg





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