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Autoshite quote of the Year 2018


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146 replies to this topic

#1 OFFLINE   chaseracer

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Posted 02 January 2018 - 10:15 AM

I have operated a Triumph Mayflower and they are a runty cuntlet of a car.

 

The gear lever, however, is delightful. A slender chromium plated shaft with a lovely bakelite knob, it's a well known fact that this item alone cost as much to produce as two Kia Picantos.

 

There's no better choice of motor car if you wish to shun all further human contact.


  • Angrydicky, Magnificent Rustbucket, mercrocker and 5 others like this

2018 DS 3 - Domestic Management's staff car

2009 Cannondale Quick CX - too much like hard work
2003 Citroen Berlingo 2.0HDi - buggering on regardless
1995 Peugeot 205 Inca 1.7D - working
1982 Citroen Dyane 6 - hiding...

AS Midland Massiv - in chod we rust...


#2 OFFLINE   mercrocker

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Posted 02 January 2018 - 01:04 PM

As we already have a quote thread of sorts how about turning this into Autoshite Good, Bad & Ugly where snippets of Rapier wit and faint Acclaim can be added to.  Obviously it should be car-related only so that it does not slide to The Other Side....


  • eddyramrod, tinribs and Hooli like this

1963 Morry Thou

1955 Cowley

1987 VW T25 Holdsworth

1990 190E

197? Portafold Caravan 

2000 Fiesta Zetec Ghia

 


#3 OFFLINE   eddyramrod

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Posted 02 January 2018 - 02:16 PM

I see what you did there, Mercrocker.  Good work!


GLWTS everyone!

 

The Blob: 2007 Chevrolet Tacuma (wheelchair bus)

Huggy Bear: 1973 Cadillac Coupe de Ville - FOR SALE

Tripod: 2014 three-wheeled walker.  Temporary I hope!

 

 

Mr ramrod is the nicest person in the world  (Chompy_snake, 2015)

Eddy is the finest fellow you will ever meet,  FACT (Djimbob, 2017)


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#4 OFFLINE   Nyphur

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Posted 03 January 2018 - 09:10 AM

johngarty's impressive* translation skills in the "Latvia" thread

 

http://autoshite.com...tvia-autoshite/

 

Last but not least, a project 1958 Moskvich 402 1.2L Euro 1.500

Translation reads " Parduodu 402 moskvi4u. the boutique is solid without big Russians. not blurred drive is working. (engine from 407). the box is rubbing with your hand. with documents all cardboard"

 

Make of that what you will.......

 

 

 

 

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#5 OFFLINE   AMC Rebel

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Posted 11 January 2018 - 12:36 AM

Yoss on the netflix thread - strictly speaking still in 2017 but we need a 2018 quotes thread

 

I learnt all my history from Iron Maiden and Asterix). You only realise at the end of the book then when you read it again you see more and more references.

I don't think that's a spoiler alert if you're thinking of reading it. I recommend starting with Iron Maiden.

 

 


  • Yoss likes this

1994 Range Rover Classic "The Crying Pumpkin" cried off, rusty

2003 Jaaaag XJ 260K miles and counting

2000 Ford Mondeo Verona 1.8 pez FOR SALE Now with new As owner

2000 Ford Puma 1.7 - Roffled and now with new AS owner

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1967 AMC Rebel SST convertible (superior body and originality being slowly raided for spares for the '68) Off road for at least the last 25 years

1956 Chevy 210 4 door hardtop - bought in 2000 and still in my garage - I even do a bit of work on it occasionally - long term project

2005 MG ZT-T awaiting completion of engine transplant of spare V6 after OMG HGF on the engine that "never has that problem"

2005 Land Rover Discovery - for long trips and moving engines 


#6 OFFLINE   catsinthewelder

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Posted 12 January 2018 - 08:56 PM

Des in the SQA making me ruin another keyboard

Angle grinders with speed control, albeit crude ones, are ten a penny these days from the likes of Lidl, for all your dizzy driving needs, coupling wise, you could try finding a big nut for the grinders spindle and a short length of radiator hose and clips, should be just up to the job if both items are supported but would hopefully release when the whole ballyhoo tears off on a nom nom trashing spree chasing you round your gaf while you scrabble to pull the main fuse. Maybe sit the dizzy in the top of an axle stand, poke the grinder in through a side and keep your boot on it, carry out a risk assessment and I'm sure it will be fine.


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94 Peugeot 405 Estate
93 Land Rover Discovery 200TDI

90 Dacia 1310


#7 OFFLINE   Split_Pin

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Posted 12 January 2018 - 09:12 PM

Cavcraft on the Celebrity Irrational Hatred Thread

I'll take this opportunity to remind the e-world that GILES BRANDRETH IS A FAT WANKER WHO OWES ME £100


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#8 OFFLINE   Pillock

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Posted 14 January 2018 - 10:47 PM



Clearly these are quite rare and demand quite a bit of fuss. 300hp through a viscous AWD system and the Chocotronic gearbox would probably exercise your sphincter to the point where it could crimp off a marble worktop.


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#9 OFFLINE   Pillock

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Posted 24 January 2018 - 10:09 PM

The MG6 is dogshit. Smeary, on-your-best-shoes, orangey-brown, rubbed into your living room carpet, dogshit.

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#10 ONLINE   Ghosty

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Posted 25 January 2018 - 03:42 AM

It's a shame we can't pin everything or things like this wouldn't happen. It's hard to tie down smaller recurring threads.


1990 Rover 416GSi - SORN; for sale

1991 Rover 416GTi - multicoloured haunted HGFing moneypit

 

"Continuer indépendamment"


#11 OFFLINE   Louise2cv

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Posted 25 January 2018 - 10:58 AM

Or just kept it to the 1 quote thread?

I thought duplicate threads were frowned upon.

#12 OFFLINE   The Moog

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Posted 25 January 2018 - 01:11 PM

Merged. 


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1999 - 406 2.0 hdi 90
1991 - Eunos Track beast
2003 - Getz

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#13 OFFLINE   AMC Rebel

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Posted 26 January 2018 - 11:11 PM

Does seem a tad odd considering it was fine two weeks ago. Mind you so was Mark E.Smith.
 


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1994 Range Rover Classic "The Crying Pumpkin" cried off, rusty

2003 Jaaaag XJ 260K miles and counting

2000 Ford Mondeo Verona 1.8 pez FOR SALE Now with new As owner

2000 Ford Puma 1.7 - Roffled and now with new AS owner

1968 AMC Rebel SST convertible (working and road legal but in limp home mode)

1967 AMC Rebel SST convertible (superior body and originality being slowly raided for spares for the '68) Off road for at least the last 25 years

1956 Chevy 210 4 door hardtop - bought in 2000 and still in my garage - I even do a bit of work on it occasionally - long term project

2005 MG ZT-T awaiting completion of engine transplant of spare V6 after OMG HGF on the engine that "never has that problem"

2005 Land Rover Discovery - for long trips and moving engines 


#14 OFFLINE   beko1987

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Posted 28 January 2018 - 10:26 PM

From Pillock over in Techy corner

"Smiling Dragon Hidden Chipmunk Capacitor and Novelty Condom Concern (China) Ltd."
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#15 OFFLINE   Cavcraft

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Posted 31 January 2018 - 05:43 PM

Fantastic stuff from Mr Gricey...

 

 

If you are after something red and a convertible, aware of something being available shortly.

 

...in response to http://autoshite.com...ap-classic-car/


"As for actually admitting to liking Corsas on a public forum: you're a bollock-brained, biscuit-eating, faux-northern, bastardy, bollocky, wank-brain"

#16 OFFLINE   quicksilver

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Posted 06 February 2018 - 03:55 PM

Unfortunately, forcibly removed knackers does not count as a disability for VED exemption purposes.


Always look on the Shite side of life

 

1999 Vauxhall Zafira - shit or shite?

1978 Austin Maxi - proper shite or proper classic?

1972 Renault 6 - genuine garage find

 

Rusty Old Rubbish - a shite blog about shite and stuff


#17 OFFLINE   flat4alfa

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Posted 06 February 2018 - 05:52 PM

All I can say is a tentative

JOHN TOWERS! NICK STEPHENSON! PETER BEALE! JOHN EDWARDS! THE BLOKE WHO DESIGNED THE K SERIES! ANYONE ELSE INVOLVED IN PROJECT DRIVE! CAN YOU HEAR ME PHOENIX FOUR!! YOUR BOYS TOOK A HELL OF A BEATING!!!!!

 


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#18 OFFLINE   vulgalour

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Posted 06 February 2018 - 05:59 PM

A P6 V8 oil pressure gauge would literally kill you, SiC.


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#19 OFFLINE   vulgalour

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Posted 06 February 2018 - 10:03 PM

its a fine line though between “he drives a classic car and is therefore non threatening” and “serial killer”


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#20 OFFLINE   flat4alfa

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Posted 09 February 2018 - 03:58 PM

Look at this tasteless puddle of mong wank.


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#21 OFFLINE   Sigmund Fraud

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Posted 16 February 2018 - 10:37 PM

Some of the most appalling junk in the last 10 years or so has come from Germany. They're like a well organised BL, making crap but efficiently.  


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#22 OFFLINE   Timewaster

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Posted 17 February 2018 - 07:48 PM

I always imagine Vanessa Felz smells a lot like like wet artex


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Pete M wrote:
Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ, I can't believe I'm sad enough as to post on the interweb

Des wrote:
the fine art that is welding, like trying to shovel butter into a badgers arse with a soldering iron.

Don't suffer in silence. Samaritans 116 123

#23 OFFLINE   Nyphur

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Posted 27 February 2018 - 11:50 AM

*
POPULAR

Datsuncog's unearthing of the "first ever AutoShite post" is fantastic. Go and like it here - http://autoshite.com...ense/?p=1436712

 

Samuel Pepys, on 3 March 1664 – 11.08 AM, said:

 

Last nyght, at eight of the clock, mine wife and I didst departe in mine Rover 75, for to dine with Alderman Peasgoode at the Hemp Exchange in Cheapeside.

 

I hadde not proceeded much beyond the crossroades at Moorgate, whence the temperature diale didst shoot off the end of the fuckinge scayle, and wondrous quantities of steam didst issue forth from neath the bonnett.

 

I disembark’d post-haste, for to espy divers streames of coolant escaping forthwith into the gutter. Thinketh I, << Oh, mine Lord and Saviour, the Heade-Gaskett hath foundered. >>

 

Elisabeth didst disembark also, in quarrelsome visage, and didst proceed to berate me most forcefully, with regarde to mine procurement of said conveyance from Mssr. Kenneth at the Sign of the Purple Barge, in a wondrous cheap roffle.

 

By this tyme, severall street-urchins allsoe hadde assembl’d, and made much mirth at mine predicament. I charg’d one of their number to hie forth and, on promise of a penny, deliver a message most urgente to the Master Wright at the King’s Own Stables for to send a conveyance for recovery.

 

The cheeky cur didst chaff me volubly as he depart’d, calling most rudely << thy conveyance be fuckinge fuck’d, mate, big time! >> Didst chase the whelp downe the streete, issuing dire threates upon his sorry person.

 

Return’d to fynde mine wife climbing aboard a fine coach-and-four from the household of Lady Sandwich who, havynge espied Elisabeth in much distress by the roade-side, had stopp’d for to render succour.

 

The shrew didst rage at me; << Thou canst make thine own way home, Samuel. For three Crownes a month, I would we had a Dacia Sandero like the Earl of Shaftesbury, and not thither heape of shyte.>> And thence they did proceed.

 

I confess I was render’d dumb-struck at her sore words; fie, for I wilt not be witnessed within a shibbledeshoth from Bohemia; nay, not even after I am gathered to the bosom of the Lord. A pox upon they and their cheeseparing kind.

 

Presently, the Master-Wright didst arrive for to survey mine Rover, and the insolent whelp alsoe, demanding his penny. Did box the gobby cur’s ears for his trouble, and sent him away howling.

 

The Wright did not even stir to op’n the bonnett, but straight-away quoth << Thine heade-gaskett is fuck’d, my lord, and I feare there is naught to be done but sack it off. >>

 

Quoth I << Tarry, goodsir, wilt thou not even bother thy lazy arse for to looke, as mine conveyance is a luxurious future classic of greate worth? >>

 

But he didst scoff at mine words, saying << Verily, sire, and that worth is eight shillings and ninepence a tonne down by the weighbridge at Woolwich Dock, and I bid thee goode fortune in securing more. >>

 

At this I did protest most fiercely, pointing at the fine trimmings of goode English leather, but the dog didst laugh until his tits shook and took his leave, calling most rudely over his shoulder;

 

<< Forsooth, I hear tell that the mighty gunship Royal Charles lying at dock in Plymouth doth require a new anchor – perchance thou mightst apply at Admiralty House and make inquiry as to whether they have need of the fucker. >>

 

Forlorn at this uncommon rough speech, I didst proceed homewards to Axe-Court on my shanks, cursing mine lucke. By the Sign of the Rising Sun, howtofore, did I encounter Ralph Greatrex, who, perceiving mine solemn countenance, didst inveigle mine companye into the tavern near-bye. I confessed to Greatrex that mine Rover was much shagg’d, and I was now sans conveyance.

 

He roared << Tish and pish, Pepys, for the morrow eve occurs a greate auction at Deptforde, and I enjoin thee to attend with myselfe. I have mine eye on a Vectra C deasel estate with minor Cat C off-syde damage, but I am given to understand there will be divers conveyances available at knock-downe prices. >>

 

Quoth I; << Tarry, sirrah; for last time I was at Deptforde, did I not end up with that toatal cunte of a 53-plate Golfe TDi? Warranted by Royal Seal as used only by a spinster of that parish to attend chapel on the Lord’s Day, yet when I look’d it up on Cazana the nexte day, it hadde more fuckinge myles on the clock at last-but-one MOT than a Dutch East Indies trading-barque! >>

 

Greatrex clap’t me on the shoulder: << Nay, do not get on so; harken, for mine brother-in-lawe hath a Mondeo TDCi for to dispose. Other than a pettifogging rattle down by the flywheel, it doth have naught to be afeard of. I shall arrange for view at noon on the morrow. Now come, drink upp and forget thy troubles! >>

 

At that, I took hearte and we order’d several more flagons of ale, and later attract’d the comforts of some comely wenches, so the evening was not a toatal wash-outt.

 

We departed the tavern long after mid-nighte, and stopp’d at the Sign of the Three Emeralds for two boxes of their celebrat’d and most excellent doner kebabb meates with half chilli/ half house-sauce, upon chipp’d potatoes, for I was fuckinge starv’d.

 

Arriv’d home more oiled than the dripp-tray below a Morris Oxforde, as the City waites call’d two of the morning. And so to bed.

 


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#24 OFFLINE   eddyramrod

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Posted 27 February 2018 - 01:58 PM

Quote of the year?  Quote of the fucking CENTURY!


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GLWTS everyone!

 

The Blob: 2007 Chevrolet Tacuma (wheelchair bus)

Huggy Bear: 1973 Cadillac Coupe de Ville - FOR SALE

Tripod: 2014 three-wheeled walker.  Temporary I hope!

 

 

Mr ramrod is the nicest person in the world  (Chompy_snake, 2015)

Eddy is the finest fellow you will ever meet,  FACT (Djimbob, 2017)


#25 OFFLINE   quicksilver

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Posted 27 February 2018 - 02:35 PM

Quote of the year?  Quote of the fucking CENTURY!

The 17th century that is. Verily it did maketh me chortle most heartily.


  • outlaw118, Talbot, myglaren and 9 others like this

Always look on the Shite side of life

 

1999 Vauxhall Zafira - shit or shite?

1978 Austin Maxi - proper shite or proper classic?

1972 Renault 6 - genuine garage find

 

Rusty Old Rubbish - a shite blog about shite and stuff


#26 OFFLINE   GrumpiusMaximus

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Posted 27 February 2018 - 03:15 PM

Datsuncog's unearthing of the "first ever AutoShite post" is fantastic. Go and like it here - http://autoshite.com...ense/?p=1436712

I declare this to be the greatest post on any forum ever.


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#27 OFFLINE   AMC Rebel

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Posted 28 February 2018 - 06:57 PM

Cavcraft on the Ebay tat thread -

 

 

 

New age (non) traveller?

 

s-l1600.jpg

 

https://www.ebay.co....gMAAOSw8bpak9aQ

 

Because the only thing worse than a portable fucking horse toilet, is a portable fucking horse toilet bolted to an Iveco.

 

Verdict: I'd rather spend eight weeks down a mine shaft superglued to Jim Davidson than have a single night away in this.


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1994 Range Rover Classic "The Crying Pumpkin" cried off, rusty

2003 Jaaaag XJ 260K miles and counting

2000 Ford Mondeo Verona 1.8 pez FOR SALE Now with new As owner

2000 Ford Puma 1.7 - Roffled and now with new AS owner

1968 AMC Rebel SST convertible (working and road legal but in limp home mode)

1967 AMC Rebel SST convertible (superior body and originality being slowly raided for spares for the '68) Off road for at least the last 25 years

1956 Chevy 210 4 door hardtop - bought in 2000 and still in my garage - I even do a bit of work on it occasionally - long term project

2005 MG ZT-T awaiting completion of engine transplant of spare V6 after OMG HGF on the engine that "never has that problem"

2005 Land Rover Discovery - for long trips and moving engines 


#28 ONLINE   Conrad D. Conelrad

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Posted 03 March 2018 - 11:44 PM

Sound independent financial advice from MrB in the Mondeo thread:
 

If you're penniless (like I currently am), here's a tip - don't spend £300 of borrowed money on an old car you didn't even know about till 3 hours ago.


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#29 OFFLINE   Mr_Bo11ox

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Posted 03 March 2018 - 11:58 PM

I just literally bust my clacker valve laughing at Samuel Pepys and his Rover 75 there. Splendid!
  • myglaren, Datsuncog, Cavcraft and 4 others like this

'A POUND-SHOP JAY LENO' 

 

CHECK OUT MY AWARD-WINNING SHITE-FIXING BLOG HERE

"THE 2.3 POWERTRAIN IS A SILENT IS AS A FISH, AND IT PULLS LIKE A GREAT"
"Full luxury cream leather with walnut fascists"

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#30 OFFLINE   bunglebus

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Posted 04 March 2018 - 01:23 PM

I rather like
 

#1 piston was made from wood.


From the component failure thread


Plain spotter





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