Datsuncog's Heaps: Sept 2023 - Another Year's T-Met Exemption Certificate...

[Ghosty]

Well, you've started now. On with the panels!

 

TAZ can live on at least in part.

[stephen01]

how much are you taking over from TAZ? 

[MorrisItalSLX]

As much as humanly possible.

[Datsuncog]

Managed to partake in another delightful episode of Spannering By Starlight, Autoshite's top-rated melodrama, last night. Waaay dark after 9pm, so no pics (booo).

Not a lot done, mind: merely swapped the batteries round (again), as TAZ arrived with a smallish unit of unknown provenance rated at 330cca, whereas I'd fitted KAZ with a new heavy-duty 570cca battery a matter of weeks before laying her up - so then swapped the batteries over in December to give TAZ a few more amps to play with in the cold weather.

Like the bugger ever appreciated it.

So the newer, bigger battery was returned to KAZ's engine bay again, but while putting the original plastic brick back into TAZ (by feel), I somehow managed to completely thread the captive bolt that holds the battery clamp on.

I have no idea how; I put the nut on finger-tight, then used a ratchet and 13mm extension socket just to nip it up (as always - I must have fitted literally hundreds of car batteries in my time as a Halfrauds spanner-monkey). But rather than tightening up fully, the nut went round... and round... and round... and just at the point of thinking hang on, something's not right here, all resistance ceased and the nut just spun round, loosely. I put my fingers down into the cavity behind the slam panel to feel... a very smooth bolt shaft. I don't know how the merry fuck that happened, but it's no longer possible to secure TAZ's battery now.

I think TAZ now knows my evil plans, and is determined to be as much of an awkward bastard as possible until the HIAB Arm Of Destiny comes to claim its mortal remains. What a truly spiteful car. Doesn't want to live, but won't even die without being a dick about it.

I also stripped out the nearly-new Pioneer MP3 mechless head unit, and transferred it over to KAZ, because obviously the ability to listen to Belle & Sebastian b-sides and rarities is a priority when recommissioning a horribly neglected 22-yr old slice of frogchod.

For some reason, these Lagunas used a different ISO adaptor plug depending on whether they were fitted with a Phillips radio cassette when new or... something else. Typically, I found that the wiring I already had for KAZ didn't fit into TAZ, so I'd wound up having to buy a whole new adaptor/stalk control kit from Autoleads that ended up costing me more than the frigging head unit. T'was but a matter of minutes to get the Pioneer wired up and slotted into KAZ, and it all seems to work just dandy.

I also gave the mould-remover-sodden dashboard a bit of a wipe over with a cloth, to remove the non-evaporating overspray - but that's probably a task best done in daylight. I've previously done a bit of after-dark car detailing, including going over black bumpers etc with trim restorer, and to be honest the results have veered between hilarious and distressing. So I try not to do that anymore.

More poking at the tailgate catch revealed a distinct lack of improvement with staying shut, so the next step is to remove the entire assembly and see if I can get it to work. Failure there will then involve a swap with TAZ's latch.

I'm still in two minds what to do about the panels. As I am utterly bone-idle, the easiest thing (for me) is to just leave KAZ as she is, dents and all. The next slightly less involved option is to pay someone to pull the worst ones out; a chap my dad knows charges £40 a panel. The paint's not broken, so it might work out cheaper to get the wings and bonnet done like that than painted to a not-quite match. I'm also informed that the bonnets on the Laguna 1 are a pain in the proverbial to re-fit, due to effort needed to get the twin release pins to successfully line up.

 

And also - I appreciate this is batshit, but bear with me - I don't think I'd feel comfortable driving KAZ with TAZ's 'face'.

You know the Adverts' single 'Gary Gilmore's Eyes' ? Yeah? Well, that reason.

I'm already feeling odd about having the alloys on KAZ. I think the rest of it just needs to go.

I cleared most of the personal crap out of TAZ too - maps, torches, spare bulbs - so that's all in a Lidl bag in the dining room.

Next step - brake fluid change, then test run. Then MOT.

[Datsuncog]

On 4/20/2018 at 11:45 AM, stephen01 said:

how much are you taking over from TAZ? 

 

On 4/20/2018 at 11:52 AM, MorrisItalSLX said:

As much as humanly possible.

Well, I'm still trying to decide what to do here... there's very, very little the same between the two cars; as with Ford's 1980s offerings, it seems that Renault went all-out when stripping kit out of the RN model to position their 'lead-in' Laguna into the showroom at a temptingly low price... all controls, instruments, stalks, interior fittings, engine ancillaries, door mirrors etc are substantially different. As with the Sierra Dangly, most bits of KAZ seem unique to the RN.

I think the only thing that would significantly enhance my bASe experience with KAZ would be improving the interior lighting - putting plunger switches into the rear doorframes so the courtesy light comes on, and swapping the timer relay so that the interior light stays on for a few seconds after closing the door. Haynes seems a bit deficient on information about where these things might be found, though - and I'm gambling on the interior loom being the same across all models, with the necessary wires dangling behind the blanking plates. If they're not there, I wouldn't be bothering.

Also, as a world-champion grade worrier, when I rang up to swap the insurance from TAZ back over to KAZ, I was asked "and are there any modifications made to the car?"

"Oh no," burbles I, through force of habit. "All absolutely standard!"

And now I'm thinking... shit. Those rims weren't standard on the RN. I'm thinking that I need to call the insurers back... but then I'm worried they'll slap another £200 on the policy as OMG MODZ YO.

As someone who's too chickenshit to do anything even slightly naughty in case I get ticked off by a burly policemen essentially law-abiding, my fear is that building a hybrid Laguna RNT bASeSport will invalidate my cover in the event that a busload of blind nuns and kittens pulls out in front of me at a T-junction... and then I'll go to prison. I mean, I know it won't... but then I think about it too much. And I worry.

 

On 4/20/2018 at 12:43 AM, Ghosty said:

TAZ can live on at least in part.

To be blunt, after all the charming* and playful* stunts it's pulled lately, I'm not entirely sure it deserves to!! Any residual charitable feelings appear to have dispersed...

 

[Dirk Diggler]

Laguna's couldn't even keep their boot closed when new; you'd see a door slam and the tailgate lift 2 inches on nearly new cars

[mrbenn]

As someone who really feels I ought to ring up and tell my insurers about the dead flies on the front of my car, I'd ring them back re the wheels and be honest - the car needs tyres and you have a set of alloys with good tyres at your disposal. Ask if they'd load the premium. If they would then you have the option of getting a couple of Landsails (or similar) for the steelies. If not, then win. Make sure they know the alloys are genuine Renault, not third party MAX POWAH 28" RIMZ M9 YO!

 

ETA very much looking forward to hearing about the maiden voyage

[mrbenn]

BTW above, I said "be honest", I meant be accurate. Not suggesting for a second that you're misrepresenting anything. Poor choice of words on my part.

[Datsuncog]

Yeah, I totally agree with you - daft thing was, at the point I decided to phone to change the cover over I hadn't yet swapped the rims. So I suppose I was being fully accurate as to the car's condition at that precise moment in time... it didn't occur to me that it would, of course, possibly make a difference.

But then again, thinking about it, my Volvo 240 GL came retrofitted with a set of Virgo alloys cannibalised by a previous owner from a plusher GLT model. I believe I just ticked 'no modifications' for that one when insuring it for the first time, as I genuinely didn't realise at that stage that it wouldn't have come with those as standard.

I reckon they'll at least want a £25 fee off me for making a change to my policy, plus possibly more for whatever insane risk I am now posing to them for my speed-freak proclivities... I'm already feeling mildly annoyed that swapping from KAZ to TAZ last year loaded another £180 onto my policy, despite the only substantial difference being the colour and trim level (unlikely reason given: "oh well, the green one's newer, so it's going to be worth more, isn't it?"), but changing back again the other way resulted in "no additional cost to your policy". Hmmm...

I was brought up to believe that honesty is the best policy, but sometimes it's a feckin' expensive policy where insurers are concerned...

[artdjones]

I don't think that you need worry about the wheels.I'm sure quite a few people had alloys fitted to their RN from new and I doubt if a crash assessor will be an expert on Laguna spec levels

[beko1987]

I haven't told my insurer that my Ph1 Expression is wearing Ph2 Initiale wheels, and nor shall I be doing that! It's how I bought it innit

[Talbot]

The whole "have you fitted alloy wheels" thing is a hang-up from 20-25 years ago when most cars had steelies, and only boy roys used to fit alloy wheels.

 

These days even bloody caravans come on alloy wheels! If there's even the slightest query, "they came on the car". Which could so easily be true. They're a standard Renault wheel. The person who bought it new *could* have ordered it on those wheels. The fact that (s)he didn't is entirely irrelevant.

 

edit: In fact, it could have been ordered on those wheels and then some previous owner removed them and fitted steelies. You *never* know!

[Datsuncog]

On 4/20/2018 at 1:49 PM, Talbot said:

edit: In fact, it could have been ordered on those wheels and then some previous owner removed them and fitted steelies. You *never* know!

That very thought was just slowly dawning on me, like a foggy daybreak over a stagnant, fetid pond...

"yeah mate, deffo standard - some muppet had put those trendy steelies on that all the sc3n3 twats are rocking right now, but I was like - naah bruv, not having it. So I put the original, factory, Renault wheels back on. I don't care if I'm not on fleek, you get me? I'm all about compliance with manufacturer standards."

After all, the original owner did go mad and splash out on a tinted windscreen sunstrip, so it's not totally inconceivable they might have completely lost the run of themselves and ordered up alloys too.

[Datsuncog]

Mrs DC's just come up trumps again - a perfect solution to KAZ's non-closing bootlid, courtesy of another slice of similarly aged frogchod spotted just now:

r

Rubber retaining clips. Genius.

[Dirk Diggler]

Actually, thinking about it 306s, Meganes and 405/6s all seemed to have fucked boot locks from nearly new

[Datsuncog]

Bright sunny morning... No sleet... No high winds. Temperature above 0°c.

It feels unnatural to be working on a Laguna in such auspicious conditions.

I'm telling myself that this is genuinely a nice, easy list of very achievable tasks to be completed on KAZ by nightfall.

Now off to Halfrauds (ho ho ho) for supplies. Yes, I kind of hate them (see yesterday's Grumpy Thread for full details), but I still have a not-quite-legit tradecard in my wallet so the way I see it, I'm slowly retrieving my diddled wages from c.1998, one transaction at a time.

Updates will surely follow.

[Tadhg Tiogar]

..... I still have a not-quite-legit tradecard in my wallet so the way I see it, I'm slowly retrieving my diddled wages from c.1998, one transaction at a time.....

Under the radar, like.

[mrbenn]

Looks a very do-able list.

 

Just don't make the mistake I tend to make every time I do a few things on a car; wash it first then have to lie in a puddle for the rest of the day.

[Datsuncog]

Good-o: supplies procured. They may or may not have had an oil filter in stock - since the Laguna 1 is dead to Halfrauds' parts database, they couldn't actually tell me. TAZ is fitted with a Fram filter and KAZ currently wearing an original Renault one, so it wasn't like I could even check the Halfords part number against an old one.

Now, KAZ had the oil done about a year ago, so I'm thinking of just flushing and putting in a fill of new goop to get things moving again, then changing it again after a few weeks' use (channelling optimistic vibes ahead of MOT, me).

I'll leave the original oil filter in place for now; I did briefly consider swapping the brand-new Fram that I put on TAZ the other week, as it has only about 60 seconds use on it - but the risk of contamination from whatever fatal fragments may be floating around TAZ's sclerotic oilways dissuaded me. I definitely don't want to end up in an Aliens-style situation, with bits of TAZ bursting out of KAZ even after it's been taken away and shredded.

I made a mental note to wash KAZ only after all the other work's been done!

Onwards to victory!

[mrbenn]

Hope it's going well, if the weather is as good there as it is here then you should be winning. Good call on leaving TAZ's oil filter exactly where it is!

 

It's a shame about Halfords. I remember getting an oil filter for our old Mitsubishi Carisma off the shelf every year without fail. That car probably wouldn't even appear in the parts catalogues now.

[Datsuncog]

Fiddlesticks.

Fartknockers.

Fuckbarrels.

Once again, fortune vomits on my eiderdown...

How much is a Skoda Rapid per month on PCP, again?

Full report as and when photos are downloaded/uncontrollable weeping diminishes to the occasional sob/medicinal* whisky begins to have the desired effect.

Cars.

Just... why??

[beko1987]

Oh dear

[GrumpiusMaximus]

Mate.  That sounds painful.  Awaiting update with bated breath and much sympathy.

[mrbenn]

Oh no

[Split_Pin]

Sorry to hear that something has gone awry again, seems to be like you are wading through glue with these two.

 

On a perhaps slightly more positive note,here is a excerpt from one of the Corsa Fanboy pages, this is roughly how much one of these are worth in these circles.

 

If you decide to break the posh one, I could stick up a post there for you - happy to take enquiries and filter out the mouth breathers for you!

[The Reverend Bluejeans]

Also - while jacking TAZ up I had cause to notice that there is A LOT of bubbling/splitting around the arch lips and inner wings. Much, much worse than on KAZ. It's been a terrible winter for salty roads, and it appears that TAZ would soon have been needing some tickling with the sparkly stick to remain safe 'n' legal.

 

 

 

 My green E36 has deteriorated more over this winter than the previous three years I've had it - it really has just exploded in some areas. It has perhaps one or two MOT's left and that's it short of major and expensive surgery.

 

It is 20 though.

 

 

 

 

 

Edit: Slagunas - just fucking scrap them.

[The Reverend Bluejeans]

What do you expect for £3495? 

[The Reverend Bluejeans]

You know what you must do, the future of mankind is relying on you. 

 

 

[Datsuncog]

Right then.

Apologies for last night's tearful histrionics; I can assure all assembled that I wasn't fishing for "u ok hun?? pm me xx" type-comments.

I genuinely intended to post an update before bedtime, but found that my laptop had inexplicably shed its Bluetooth capabilities. While trying to resolve that and transfer over the all-important damning photographs (both USB ports are banjaxed, so no dice there), the hateful microchippy bastard started pissing about with updates and shutdowns and the like, merrily stoking my persecution complex that everything, everything hates me.

Then I fell asleep. Possibly aided by moderate* quantities of Japanese whisky. Only to wake with a grunt around 5am to find the darkened laptop still on my chest, the lights still burning, and my mouth tasting like the outside toilets at the Hibiki distillery.

So. Where did it all go wrong? I was so positive yesterday morning, no? List of jobs clearly defined, and necessary fluids procured. Joys of spring, super sunny happy, gonna fix me a Renner. It should have been so easy.

Let's rewind.

 

Well, I get KAZ started before lunch and pull her from the valley of the shadow of death (down the side of the house) and out into the sunshine for the first time in nearly a year, and wearing her new shoes too. Starlings have plainly been using her as a bombing target over the past few days.

I wind down the windows to harness the sun's assistance in the interior drying-out, which is actually coming along quite well. Carpets feel almost dry, even the rear passenger footwell that was previously very squelchy.

A brief survey of my Gallic chariot reveals gack that doubtless appears fairly atrocious to any two-bucket wrong 'uns in the vicinity (i.e. Next Door, who foam pressure-washes his Evo 9 literally every time he takes it out) - but by no means insurmountable. Bucket of suds and an old toothbrush should sort this, no bother.

 

And some more Cherry Blossom liquid shoe polish will be needed to go over the black bits. I'd tried this product before, out of curiosity/desperation on a Polo's greyed bumpers with surprising success; and only recently became aware that it's, like, A Thing - with various Facebook groups and whatnot set up for detailing devotees to perve over.

The only scab that I can see that looks like it'll need work is the n/s rear arch, with some bubbling evident. But, overall, for a 22 year old car it's hardly surprising, or a difficult fix.

So. Starting is bob on, and although there's still a bit of top end knock I'm confident that it's no worse than it ever was (and I'm responsible for a full third of this car's lifetime mileage). I'd had a look earlier and nearly bought a can of this additive, but then pulled back from my giddy abandon and decided to wait until the car actually has an MOT and looks like a going prospect before I spunk more money up the wall.

Anyway. After lunch I go for a bit of a gentle shakedown drive along my private test track*, keeping a sharp lookout for nuns, kittens and rozzers. No odd noises, nothing out of the ordinary. Clutch, gears, reverse = all sounding and feeling pretty good. Even the exhaust, which caused endless heartache á la Vulgalour's Princess through failing to seal, seems sound. I am impress.

Until I step on the brakes; they really aren't so good. They felt a little spongy last weekend, and although the pedal feel's maybe not so bad now, there's a LOT of judder even when slowing from 10mph. It feels a bit like the twitchy and temperamental ABS on the Yaris when stopping on a gravel surface - except this car doesn't have ABS (and a good thing too, as the HBOL spells out in gruesome detail how Lagunas fitted with the optional antilock brakes cannot have them serviced or bled by the DIYer - it's main dealer time, every time).

But that's fine, I'm about to service the brakes.

Back we go, nose in first this time.

Aaaaand it's about then that domestic issues beckon, and I'm called away for a few hours. Of course, I could have refused - probably should have refused - but hey, it's warm and sunny and I can complete my list later and/or tomorrow. I mean, I said it was a list to get done today, but really it's more of a weekend list... easy stuff, plenty of time, of course I can go over to the garden centre and fetch some heavy stuff...

(Oh, you can see where this is going, can't you? Forget the fable of the Grasshopper and the Ant, it's the tale of the Git and the Gooner that future generations need to take heed of.)

 

So it's after 5 by the time I get back, and I'm not in the best of tempers as I've realised:

1. Halfrauds overcharged me earlier - 250ml Redex was labelled 'Buy One Get One Free' on the shelf, so I nabbed two bottles, reasoning that I'll use them eventually. Of course, I was charged for both.
    
2. Tesco had a giant display of car servicing items at the front when I entered to procure some yoghurts, consisting of Redex at a mere £2 for a 250ml bottle (Halfords: £4.99) and also half-price oil, with 2l of 10w/40 at only £5 a bottle (Halfords: £22.99 for 5l).

Since I was planning on using the oil basically as automotive mouthwash, this would have been a much more attractive (and inexpensive) option. I stood for about ten minutes, like a cat thrashing its tail, trying to work out whether it would piss me off more or less to traipse all the way back over to Newtownabbey and take back the oil and Redex for a refund, or whether I should just buy more here and put the surplus on the shelf in the shed. Given that I've been anticipating that lovely 'Congratulations! You're down to your last £50!' text from the bank for the past week now, in the end I do neither of those things and strop off home instead.

Nevertheless, I recognise that I'm merely being a mardy glipe, and get changed into my filthy car-work rags again. I optimistically reckon I can get the brakes done before teatime, and then throw some fresh oil in after tea. The coolant change I'll do tomorrow morning, then give it a good scrub and re-fit the front number plate (which I knocked off when reversing TAZ in one wet night). Easy!

Sadly, no.

 

I pull all the tools and new fluids out to begin work, plus the HBOL. To my shame, because KAZ came to me very freshly serviced, I've done very little to her bar oil and filter changes while in my custody. A slow, distant bell begins to toll somewhere in my mind that this may not have been a wise policy.

I start by checking the HBOL advice. Hmmm. My general understanding, while bleeding brakes, is to start at the wheel furthest from the reservoir and then go around the car, finishing with the closest. Not so, sayeth Mr Haynes. Rear offside first (which is the furthest from the reservoir), but then front nearside (the closest), then rear nearside, finishing on front offside. Okaaaay...

The driveway is gravelled, sloped, and not in great shape generally. (This will shortly become relevant). I have the emergency scissor jack out of KAZ and my well-used Halfords 3-ton trolley jack at my disposal to do some liftin'.

Now, I don't miss my old Viva HC for quite a few reasons, but I do really miss the ease in which a rwd car can be raised on a trolley jack. A big front crossmember - centre the lifting arm, and up she goes - axle stands, job's a good 'un, ginger beer all round. Same at the back.

FWD cars... well, there's usually some vague references to jacking points, but not much to help understand exactly what's a load-bearing section and what's not. So, when working on FWD cars, I've tended to use a stout block of wood, notched with a bowsaw to avoid damage to the sill-to-floor seam while lifting it with the trolley jack around the 'official' jacking point, as recommended by Haynes and other motoring tomes.

The Laguna 1 goes a step further, by having an odd little slot cut horizontally into the seam with a plastic liner inside, and a corresponding tab on the jack that locates into this liner. Crank the little handle, and up she goes. Normally this isn't that relevant, but the Laguna is a low beast, and the problem is that I can't get the trolley jack and bit of wood slid under her.

So, while doing the wheel swap the other night, I found it best to use a combination of both jacks - using the scissor jack in its little locating slot to jack the car up an inch or so, then slide in the trolley jack and pump it up until the tyre was clear of the ground. Hey, it worked.

Or - it worked on the hard-standing paving, at least.

Well, up goes KAZ at the back, using this principal. Once the wheel is off, I place an axle stand under a reinforced box section and slacken off the jack, as any fule kno you don't work under a car supported by a jack.

As ever, Cat arrives at this point to offer his services, which are gracefully declined.

So I fill the Gunsons Easy-Bleed bottle with brake fluid. My intent had been to first of all use the leftovers from when I changed the Yaris fluid a month or two ago, but I hadn't twigged that it was different. I'm still not sure how it's different, but I decide to take no chances, and open the new bottle.

And we're finally ready to go. (Pay close attention to the setup in the picture here; it'll become relevant shortly.)

I shall draw a veil over the next half-hour's comedy of errors, involving too much pressure from the spare tyre; too little pressure from the spare tyre; and nothing but a tiny dribble emerging from the bleed nipple no matter what I try or however much I slacken the 8mm bleed nut.

Suffice to say, it takes about a further half-hour of dripping/dribbling until the fluid that emerges from the rear o/s bleed pipe no longer releases air bubbles on making contact with the fluid in the waste bottle, which tells me that there's new fluid all the way through. I run it for a minute or two more, just to be certain. The old fluid also looks like oxtail cup-a-soup, rather worryingly. But I see that about half the Gunson's bottle has now gone into the system, which I judge about right for the longest length of brake line and also the reservoir. I nip up the bleed nipple, replace the rubber dust cap and refit the wheel.

And then it all goes badly wrong alarmingly quickly.

I pump the trolley jack a couple of times to bring it back up to the sill, then start to raise it clear of the axle stand, which I remove. The wood block is about two or three inches downline of the actual jacking point.

I take the trolley's handle from the jacking socket, and begin to turn the release valve to lower it. Gently, like - I'm not a ham-fisted fool. KAZ starts to come down. So far, so tedious (I'm sure by this stage you'll agree).

And then there's a bang, followed by KAZ coming crashing to the deck. And the sound of things falling, and things hissing, and something strikes my (steel-toed) boot hard. And there's an unexpected wetness on my face and my neck.

Fuck fuck fucketty fuck.

[MOAR shortly]

[Jams]

I love reading your exploits! But for your sanity and your wallet bloody scrap them and move on!

 

Lovely 530d for sale on this site