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BMW = shite


dollywobbler

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Normally, a beemer wouldn't count as shite. I mean, they were well regarded when new. Not what we're used to!

 

However, this very shite E34 was delivered to my house about half an hour ago.

 

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I got distracted when talking to one of my colleagues. He was going to have to scrap it, so I made a silly offer - and he accepted!

 

Shitty NI plate, check

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Not bad inside though, apart from all the wires - and a constant warning tone. No idea what that's for, but it is running on fumes!

 

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Haven't got a clue what I'm going to do with this. I might sell as is for not very much, and give some of the 'vast profits' to my colleague, or I might keep it and turn it into a track/rally car. Might be fun!

 

Oh, it's a 525. I think.

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Gawd knows what it is. Wonder if I've got a manual with it...I've got one white lens indicator. Hope the other is in the back...Thing is - with the Alfa keeping me busy (I'll stop the speedo needle cutting out if it kills me...) I'm not sure exactly when I'll get around to doing something with the Beemer.

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Selling it would probably net a negative amount of money tbh as these appear to be worth squit all, either break it for bits (if they break as good as the 3-series you will be well in) or flog the wanky plate and use the proceeds to pay for it to be stored until such time as they are near extinct (won't be long), then whip it out for retro glory. Or just bezz it up and down your road in 2nd gear listening to the exhaust note. Lovely.

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Looks like a nice little thing for not much money, the 525i goes nicely and that leather looks well looked after.Not sure what the warning tone could be, I'd be tempted (if you're keeping it) to hunt down the little buzzer and stab it repeatedly. Alternatively break it for parts, if it's the 24v motor then they usually fetch decent money and I'd imagine the seats and door cards would find a new home in a less well equipped E34. A guy up the road from me has just done the same thing with a black leather equipped one, the seats went first and last weekend someone turned up for the engine/box/axle. Now he just has an upside down shell on his garden, which is better than gnomes in my book.

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Ah likin that, I used to dislike the E34 untill I bought one then after selling it I realised that they are really nicely screwed together.Is it metallic black?-love that colour. As mentioned if its the 24v M50 engine then some young cuntstrill will buy it seen as it has a manwell box, said cuntstrill will probably mutter something about putting the engine and box into his E30 although for many its ambition over talent.Keep it, smoke about in it for a bit and enjoy its build quality then sell/frag/fuck it.Beeping noise, has the speed indiator been set on the trip computer? basically you would enter a speed into it then everytime you reached that speed it will chime, is the warning display in the instrument assy working or has it a fault that you don't know about because the bulb/display has been disconnected/damaged/fucked? if all else fails then I seem to remember that the speaker for the buzzer is located in the kick-panel by your knees and its just a multi-plug to disconnect it.

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Those fuwl computers get reasonable money as they are a fairly easy upgrade for a lower spec one with a clock. As already said the leather interior will fetch good money too if no rips. had a few of these albeit in estate form and they are a pleasant drive on a long drive. Nice solid feel to them

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It's a constant, very loud tone that it keeps making. Only stops when you turn the ignition off again.Has no T&T at the moment and will need some sorting before it has either. Nowt too major, but headlamps might be a good idea!Might well be a good idea to flog the tidy interior and use that to fund the T&T work and then turn it into a stripped out fun machine.

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I don't think anyone wants one of these, to drive or for parts. It's the mk6 Escort 'non-desirability' factor I think. Strange how they were more desirable than any other saloon on the road when they were released, I'd really have one if it was cheap.Is that beeping sound the noise of a 'seatbelt alert'? Just short out the wiring under (probably the driver's) seat. ;)

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If it is the 24v M50 engine in there, its one of BMW finest.The 'Beeping' is the OBC / check control unit. There will be a panel right in the middle of the speedo binacle at the bottom that will show text of what its beeping about.usually bulb faliures, etc, low coolant, etc etc the list is endless. But it should tell u on that display panel what its bonging about.Nice cars.

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Only desperation. We picked up his new project yesterday (a VW Type 3) and space was needed. It's not the best example - needs putting back together at the front as the headlamp was pinched for his other E34, the bonnet laquer is peeling off and it's done quite a few miles - but there's life in the old girl yet, as I'll hopefully prove.Rammstein sounds good. I'll dig my CD out and enjoy some Industrial Metal!

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Depending on how old it is its either gona be a m20 12v or an m50 24v. Its difficult to age as its got the early wing mirrors, so if it is a m50 24v, it will be a non-vanos car.If its 88 - 90 it'l be a m20 12v, 91 - onwards m50 24v

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88 M20 eh? Well the engine has a value - around £150 if it runs nice with no oil/water mixing, overheating etc plus it wants to be nice and quiet at the top end.

E34 panels are worth nothing (although absolutely mint front wings have a value) and sadly the trim's not worth a great deal being beige comfort leather. You might get £50-80 for it on t'bay as a complete interior.

There is a 5 Series website, www.bmw5 or something.

That's one of those cars where you'll easily spend £300 getting it up to MOT standard - shocks, control arms, brake pipes, front shocks....plus you've a cambelt, tensioner and water pump to do.

 

It was a nice tickle for free, but I'd be raping it before putting it across the scales. If you don't fancy pulling the complete donk, at least take the cylinder head off - that's £100 alone if it's good.

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Bloody thing. Still doing the constant, very loud warning tone. The computer shows sod all as does the dashboard display. Does it continuously and very loudly whenever the ignition is on - engine running or otherwise. Switch the ignition off and the noise slowly fades away.I hate modern cars. My 2CV has only beeped at me once, and that was when the horn switch jammed. A few seconds work to pull the wire off the horn. Easy!

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Right, an evening of listening to Bat for Lashes and perusing the net has at least allowed me to find out that I can easily disconnect the chime and so save my eardrums from rupturing. I may have sold the car to a mate and that's handy as he's quite handy with a soldering iron (hello if you're reading this!) as it sounds like something needs a tickle with one. My only experience of a soldering iron is seeing who could make the biggest solder balls at school...So, I'll get rid of this unreliable German thing and go back to my trusty(ish) Italian car instead (I didn't think I'd ever type those words together!).More seriously, it'd be nice to move it on as realistically, I've not got a cat in hell's chance of fitting it in around other things. The Alfa and 2CV keep me busy enough!

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Constant buzzing that slowly fades away with the ignition off, hmmm what does that remind me of......a Volvo 480 I once had in, turned out to be something to do with the remnants of a moribund after-market alarm set up, maybe the BMW has the same type, the cars are the same age more or less...I think a pry-bar made the buzzer change it`s buzzing ways in the end, car was fine afterwards.

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Apparently, a capacitor probably needs some soldering or something. This has reminded me how much I hate cars that are filled with electrickery (I'll just pretend I don't own an Alfa Romeo 164 for a moment...) so I've done the only decent thing, and have arranged to swap it for a Citroen Dyane. Much more like it!

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