Genuine Granadaland Jaguar Reintroduced to Granadaland! Caution: New MoT content!

[Magnificent Rustbucket]

What makes you believe the wiper parks there?

The wiper parks wherever you let go of the switch.

I parked it there, because it annoys me when it's in front of me.

 

 

A wiper which doesn't park and misbehaves generally, is most often caused by a blown fuse in the parking circuit line. If you remove the passenger's side cover under the dash (the big one under the glove box where you knees are) you will find an inline fuse (iirc 7.5 amp). This will have blown. Replace it and your wiper will behave itself

 

 

 

If this doesn't work, it could be the microswitch in the wiper itself (they're about £2) - but it will almost certainly be the fuse, so try that first.

 

The headlights are actually pretty good, unless you have corroded reflectors. Unfortunately the fishtank headlights tend to be expensive, which is why so many people replace them with the quad type.

 

The parking sensors are aftermarket - no XJ40 ever had them (you have the bumpers for that). Hopefully, their wiring solutions are not too creative.

[Junkman]

You, sir, are an eggspurt!

I shall immediately follow your advice once a more ambient climate has resumed.

 

Thank you so much!

 

Yes, the reflectors are shot. Quad type headlight solution is unacceptable, though.

I'm fully aware that those girlie parking aids are aftermarket, that's why I wrote that I'll

never understand people disturbing the electrickery of such complex machinery

by adding some pointless shiny shit from China.

[Conrad D. Conelrad]

Funnily enough, when I described the sound to Conrad yesterday, I said it sounds like a V12 running on six cylinders.

I shall press that 'S' button to see whether that alleviates the issue. Believe it or not, I have never pressed this button in any car ever before.

 

Me neither, I always think it's going to break the gearbox. 

 

 

Extreme weather events only happen on other planets.

It's a tad windy.

 

The motorway matrixes were warning of EXTREME WEATHER yesterday, and now there's rain being thrown at my windows. We have previously abandoned car repairs because it's "chilly".

 

Info

Superb stuff, thanks!

 

The parking sensors are aftermarket - no XJ40 ever had them (you have the bumpers for that). Hopefully, their wiring solutions are not too creative.

This is the third car I've known with this exact reversing sensor kit, and the third car where they don't work properly. It's actually been installed rather neatly, but there's also this newly installed towbar wired into the rear lights with choc blocs...

[Junkman]

The motorway matrixes were warning of EXTREME WEATHER yesterday, and now there's rain being thrown at my windows. We have previously abandoned car repairs because it's "chilly".

 

We have also swapped interiors in worse conditions.

[Guest Breadvan72]

Park by Braille.  This is the only way.  They ain't called bumpers for nowt.

[Junkman]

Am I the only one who noticed that next to this typically British wiring chaos there is Qualität aus Deutschland?

 

 

I wouldn't be surprised if it was this that's borked.

[Guest Breadvan72]

Ectoplasm oxide, more likely.

 

 

I steal almost all of Skizzer's gags.  His ongoing intellectual property claim against me runs into the kazllions, but I endlessly stall its progess by using my extensive arsenal of cheap-ass lawyer tricks, and/or by borrowing his SD1 and breaking it, thus diverting his energies and resources.

 

I have of course stolen the ectoplasm gag above.  Now I just need somewhere to deploy it. My XJS thread may be a candidate, as the XJS is a 90s Jag, filled with wob, rust and nightmare electronic brokenness.   I shall see what I can do.

 

I would of course steal Skizzer's wife if I could, for she is more smoking than the Lucas wiring of a 1970s BL car, and is even classier than an Armstrong Siddeley Sapphire.   Sadly, however, Mrs Skizzer is waaaaaaaaay too classy for me, and also Skizzer himself is actually quite tall.  Plus he may have some residual Welshness let in him (of the Friday night in Cardiff kick your head in variety, not the sheep-shagging or welcome in the valleys variety), that all his posh London suit-wearing urbanity has not altogether eliminated.  Bah.

[Skizzer]

No actual Welshness involved. May contain traces of County Cork Irishness however, by way of the (then) slums of Maple Street W1. I have sworn to use any head kicking powers only for good.

[Guest Breadvan72]

Am I the only one who noticed that next to this typically British wiring chaos there is Qualität aus Deutschland?

 

 

I wouldn't be surprised if it was this that's borked.

 

 

 

A fact rarely known to Pistonheads pub bores when slagging off, say, Italian cars, is that the wiring and electro boxes in many Alfas and Lancias are German.

 

In the case of the JunkenRad von Jag, the UKIP Councilor leaper (© Skizzer) is probably objecting to the presence of up yours Delors Merkel Schmerkel Eurotoss electrical smoke generators in the car.  It wants to take back control of unreliable electrical components and restore Lucasness.  

[Guest Breadvan72]

No actual Welshness involved. May contain traces of County Cork Irishness however, by way of the (then) slums of Maple Street W1. I have sworn to use any head kicking powers only for good.

 

 

County Cork makes Lincolnshire look like uptown Manhattan.  

 

On reflection, this explains a great deal.

[Magnificent Rustbucket]

Am I the only one who noticed that next to this typically British wiring chaos there is Qualität aus Deutschland?

 

 

I wouldn't be surprised if it was this that's borked.

 

 

That's the cruise control module.

 

The wiring looks rather more battlefield than parade ground, but it is generally reasonably reliable on them by 1992. Unless they get wet...

[Guest Breadvan72]

Now you tell me ...

 

 [checks blown off yet again (because OMGSTORMKAOS) cheapo car cover on 1992 Jag that has been parked up in rain for a year]

 

[says a swear]

[Junkman]

So our car was predictably made before they became reasonably reliable. Good.

The only good* thing is that cars rarely* get wet in England.

[Guest Breadvan72]

Today I R mostly be chasing car covers that I was too lazy to fix the straps on.  It be blowing a hoolie here as elsewhere (see spoiled collection threads, passim).  The flying covers always manage to land just in the big fuggoff puddle ( the one that pisses off the Ocado drivers and knacks their van springs just as they swing in by the gate).  Now the covers are manky inside and out, and the heaps are getting wet.

 

Dollycover still on, because tailored, because cost big bucks, and because car is awkward looking three-boxy upright instead of slippery streamlineoheap eg SD1 and XJS.

[Junkman]

County Cork makes Lincolnshire look like uptown Manhattan.  

 

On reflection, this explains a great deal.

 

 

I have been to county Cork many times and it isn't even remotely as creepy as Lincolnshire.

However, you haven't really lived until you've heard a shaveling preach in Latin with a Cork accent.

[Junkman]

In my front garden it's eerily windstill.

I blame a car coming from Lincolnshire being parked in it.

[Guest Breadvan72]

I was last in Cork in about 1982, and it may have got better since then, what with Celtic Tiger Celtic bust out, takeover of Ireland by Germany*, and so forth.  A  few weeks ago I represented a greyhound trainer from County Cork in a bit of a hey yeah sports law yeah imbroglio (we won, yay).  He seemed more from the olden times, but was a good enough bloke.

 

 

 

* My people spent 1000 years resisting the Brits/Normans (without much success, it must be said, for you just can't beat the Brits/Normans; but at least we kept on trying, unlike the Welsh who gave up in the C14, and the Scots who gave up circa 1746).  Then we surrendered to Germany in twenty minutes circa 2008. 

[Junkman]

A wiper which doesn't park and misbehaves generally, is most often caused by a blown fuse in the parking circuit line. If you remove the passenger's side cover under the dash (the big one under the glove box where you knees are) you will find an inline fuse (iirc 7.5 amp). This will have blown. Replace it and your wiper will behave itself

 

 

 

If this doesn't work, it could be the microswitch in the wiper itself (they're about £2) - but it will almost certainly be the fuse, so try that first.

 

The headlights are actually pretty good, unless you have corroded reflectors. Unfortunately the fishtank headlights tend to be expensive, which is why so many people replace them with the quad type.

 

The parking sensors are aftermarket - no XJ40 ever had them (you have the bumpers for that). Hopefully, their wiring solutions are not too creative.

 

 

Changing the fuse, which indeed was blown, worked an absolute treat, so did resurrecting the screen wash courtesy of wiggling the relay.

 

But since I pressed the lock button inside once, which indeed locked the car, the central locking is borkerised.

I checked the fuse and it is okay, even after swapping it with the offside rear window fuse to make sure.

 

Any idea what I destroyed now?

[Conrad D. Conelrad]

Today's activities extended beyond breaking the central locking. Thanks to Magnificent Rustbucket's magnificent advice, the windscreen wiper parks and the screen washes. Result!

 

 

But wait! There was also drama! What horrors await behind the shiny wheel arch trim? 

 

 

Dare you look?

 

 

Uh, what? It's metal and paint. Weird. All four arches are as good as this, even the ones on the (rusty) front wings.

 

 

 

Thanks to fuse replacement, warning lights now all extinguish! Wow! 

 

 

♪ I've got a brand new car! Looks like a Jaguar! It's got leather seats! It's got a mechless chinese MP3 player player player player player player player player player player player 

 

 

Looking smart, don't you think? Well, it can look smarter. The wheels will be all silver soon, and the last of the horrible aftermarket tat will be landfill even sooner. However, there's a problem with the leaper on the bonnet.  You may have noticed that Jaguar owners, like Rover owners, simply love superfluous badging. J     2     4     3     O     H     G's previous owners were no exception.

 

We knew we had to do something about that bonnet mascot, but unfortunately we're now owners of both Rover and Jaguar, so this is the best we could come up with. 

 

 

It's a vast improvement, I'm sure you'll agree. Tomorrow, we're going to get a signwriter to print the word "JAGUAR" across the roof so helicopters can see it, and again backwards on the bootlid so we can read it in the rear view mirror when the boot's open. 

[Conrad D. Conelrad]

The Mercedes bonnet had "Service Position", but only the Jaguar comes with "Mufasa Death Recreation Mode".

 

 

[Conrad D. Conelrad]

 

Park like you own the place. 

 

 

Feel like you own the place. 

[Guest Breadvan72]

That is some expert level Woollarding, right there.  Liebe kinder, watch, and learn.

[Junkman]

Mr Conelrad's pictures are deceptive!

 

Removing those fucking shithouse embellishers was the task from HELL!

It involved three hours of screw extraction with every inconceivable method known to man and beast!

All the while I had to position myself in postures entirely unsuitable for overweight 50somethings.

Some entirely original swearing and cursing was conceived in the process, unsuitable for posting.

 

My neighbour found that funny! I shall no longer speak to him.

 

Note carefully for the rest of your lives: Whoever mounts these monkey house decorations is not your friend!

 

Jayzuz, everything hurts, except my arse, which itches.

 

Now, the front wings are shot. Both. A wob Michelangelo went berserk on them.

However, we were lucky* enough to source a breaker that will yield pristine replacements, even in the correct colour.

 

Its location:

 

Boston.

 

Life. Way overrated. Way overrated indeed. I say.

[Junkman]

 

 

Park like you own the place. 

 

 

 

Feel like you own the place. 

 

What I already hate about those bloody Jags is that you indeed DO own the place.

[Junkman]

I also sent a May Day email to Alcyheimycorporation, because urgent numberplate replacisation requirement.

He replied instantly, asking for photos of the original ones, justifying this with so the company that does them,

can replicate the the original dealer inscript (LOL, I say).

 

I thought if I send him photos of the ones that are on the car, he will either PMSL himself, or never talk to me again.

 

So I sent him photos.

 

Since then, I haven't heard back from him.

[Magnificent Rustbucket]

Changing the fuse, which indeed was blown, worked an absolute treat, so did resurrecting the screen wash courtesy of wiggling the relay.

 

But since I pressed the lock button inside once, which indeed locked the car, the central locking is borkerised.

I checked the fuse and it is okay, even after swapping it with the offside rear window fuse to make sure.

 

Any idea what I destroyed now?

 

When you say it is borkerised, how is it manifesting said borkerism?

 

Is it completely broken? - the other doors won't unlock or lock when you lock/unlock the driver's or passenger's door with the key? What happens if you pull up the chrome door lock button on the driver's or passenger's doors? - Is it just that door which unlocks?

 

What happens if you press the door lock/panic button on the dash centre console? - Do the doors lock? (Is this the doom laden button you pressed? - Or was it the one on the door?)  Does it make a clicking noise, then no action? BTW, the 'panic' button only locks the doors and closes the windows/sunroof - it doesn't unlock them.

 

Are the chrome lock buttons on the doors stiff? I wonder if the linkages are all a bit too stiff and the actuators are not actuating because of it?

 

Is the battery fully charged?

 

I wonder if you have bumped the central locking control module - it is fairly near the fuse for the wiper - on the other side by the door. It is marked (1) on this diagram. To orientate yourself, (10) is the cruise control module in the photograph above, made in Germany.

 

http://www.jaguarclassicparts.com/uk/jaguar-xj6-parts/engine-management-emission-systems/sensors-switches-and-relays/relays-and-control-units

 

 

 

The part number is  DBC1554 - it could be faulty, I can't imagine all the door lock actuators could fail at the same time - surely?!!

 

 

 

Unfortunately my knowledge of the electrics of your model year is rather sketchy to say the least - it has an entirely different electrical system to my car, even though it is only a few months older!

[Conrad D. Conelrad]

When you say it is borkerised, how is it manifesting said borkerism?

 

Is it completely broken? - the other doors won't unlock or lock when you lock/unlock the driver's or passenger's door with the key? What happens if you pull up the chrome door lock button on the driver's or passenger's doors? - Is it just that door which unlocks?

Yes. The doors have become independent, like a normal car without central locking. It did work the other day.

 

What happens if you press the door lock/panic button on the dash centre console? - Do the doors lock? (Is this the doom laden button you pressed? - Or was it the one on the door?)  Does it make a clicking noise, then no action? BTW, the 'panic' button only locks the doors and closes the windows/sunroof - it doesn't unlock them.

We pressed the button on the dash. If it is pressed now, nothing happens. No noise, nothing.

 

I wonder if you have bumped the central locking control module - it is fairly near the fuse for the wiper - on the other side by the door. It is marked (1) on this diagram. To orientate yourself, (10) is the cruise control module in the photograph above, made in Germany.

Ah, quite possible! I don't remember if we saw the central locking in action after replacing the wiper fuse. I don't think we did.

[Junkman]

Oh Jayzuz, can I have a flow chart, please?

 

I iz try to answer as good as I can.

 

- The central locking worked a treat, when a key was inserted in the driver's door lock and turned.

 

- I sat inside the car when it was unlocked courtesy of the key in the driver's side door lock, unlocking all doors, as expected.

 

- I pressed the 'lock' button in the centre console and all doors locked.

 

- I pressed that button again and nothing happened. Nothing. No click, nothing.

 

- I unlocked the driver's door by pulling its chrome door lock button up.

 

- I got out of the car.

 

- I closed the door.

 

- I tried to unlock the remaining doors by inserting the key in the driver's door's outside door lock.

 

- The driver's door lock locks and unlocks with the key, but the remaining doors remain locked.

 

- SThe key only locks and unlocks the driver's door, but not the other ones, which remain locked.

 

- Pressing the button in the centre console has no effect whatsoever.

 

- No clicking can be heard in the depths of the car, regardless whether the key is turned in the driver's door door lock, nor when pressing the button.

 

- The 15 amp fuse in its appropriate spot in fuse box no. 2 (passenger side) is okay.

[Junkman]

Mr Conelrad bustled about the electrics in the vicinity of the wiper fuse!

I was removing shiny shit from China!

 

I iz innercent!

[alcyonecorporation]

Still PMSL.