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Autoshite Quote of the Year Thread 2017


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100 replies to this topic

#61 OFFLINE   PiperCub

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Posted 17 September 2017 - 06:34 PM

Thank you gents - after a shit-typical weekend twelve hour shift with no break at all, reading this has cheered me up no end! 


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#62 OFFLINE   AMC Rebel

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Posted 17 September 2017 - 08:10 PM

The thing is those dickheads are the same dickheads tooling around in shite Astras with four bald Happy Dragon Ditch Molesters, sills made of wob and ABS lights wrapped in tinfoil; which are they going to pick, a car that has a heating and ventilation system that works and ignition that isn't dependent upon the phases of the moon and the ambient humidity, or Fred Flintstone's Viva HC? Let's face it, the kind of 1970s shitter that can be bought at this price point is suitable only for bridging or longterm restoration; putting such a car into regular use would result in a continuous stream of FTPs guaranteed to drive the miscreants back to modern motoring quicker than you can say 'vorsprung durch knackered'.

 

  • alf892, flat4alfa, Junkman and 3 others like this

1994 Range Rover Classic "The Crying Pumpkin" cried off, rusty

2003 Jaaaag XJ 260K miles and counting

2000 Ford Mondeo Verona 1.8 pez FOR SALE Now with new As owner

2000 Ford Puma 1.7 - Roffled and now with new AS owner

1968 AMC Rebel SST convertible (working and road legal but in limp home mode)

1967 AMC Rebel SST convertible (superior body and originality being slowly raided for spares for the '68) Off road for at least the last 25 years

1956 Chevy 210 4 door hardtop - bought in 2000 and still in my garage - I even do a bit of work on it occasionally - long term project

2005 MG ZT-T awaiting completion of engine transplant of spare V6 after OMG HGF on the engine that "never has that problem"

2005 Land Rover Discovery - for long trips and moving engines 


#63 OFFLINE   AMC Rebel

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Posted 18 September 2017 - 01:32 PM

Go for the Fiesta. The 1.2 8v engines in those Puntos make them slower than a week in jail.

 


  • Junkman, Supernaut and clayts450 like this

1994 Range Rover Classic "The Crying Pumpkin" cried off, rusty

2003 Jaaaag XJ 260K miles and counting

2000 Ford Mondeo Verona 1.8 pez FOR SALE Now with new As owner

2000 Ford Puma 1.7 - Roffled and now with new AS owner

1968 AMC Rebel SST convertible (working and road legal but in limp home mode)

1967 AMC Rebel SST convertible (superior body and originality being slowly raided for spares for the '68) Off road for at least the last 25 years

1956 Chevy 210 4 door hardtop - bought in 2000 and still in my garage - I even do a bit of work on it occasionally - long term project

2005 MG ZT-T awaiting completion of engine transplant of spare V6 after OMG HGF on the engine that "never has that problem"

2005 Land Rover Discovery - for long trips and moving engines 


#64 ONLINE   DSdriver

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Posted 20 September 2017 - 03:09 PM

Anonymous User explaining how DVLA works

 

 

Seriously, have you seen the size of the DVLA building? What makes you think it has a computer, they did try one early on when computers were the size of rooms but soon found them inefficient and prone to breakdown. A committee chaired by Wendy the tea lady voted to replace the computer with filing cabinets and some girls on YTS as typists and filing clerks. This has worked well for years, occasionally one of the girls will be off and there will be a delay in responding. Unfortunately, due to space constraints, sometimes a filing cabinet has to be emptied and things get thrown out, this is done totally randomly to ensure fairness. Recently due to efficiency savings they have had to let one of the girls go and replaced her with a Jack Russell which now opens the post instead. The online service is outsourced to a lad down in the town who sends a note up to the DVLA office by pigeon, but will give the girls a call on the phone if it's urgent 

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JohnF said:
"I have to say, I don't really like the styling of Citroens.

But I just love the fact that they exist."

#65 OFFLINE   beko1987

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Posted 20 September 2017 - 03:10 PM

Anonymous User explaining how DVLA works

Was literally just thinking that this should be on here


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2001 Gooner2 Ph1 1.9Dci Expression (His)
2008 orl Vauxhalls r Shit Zafira 1.8 SRI 140 (Hers)

#66 OFFLINE   twosmoke300

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Posted 23 September 2017 - 07:16 AM

That's fucking hideous. It looks like a Citroen fucking Xsara fucking Picasso in its pupal stage. Do not like.


John F about a car in the super mini thread
  • chodweaver likes this

One of the funniest things ive read on here - RIP Dave

 

Quote

 

Brilliant... late in for lunch I fired up an off-brand pot noodle and while carrying it to the lounge successfully spilled it all over myself, burned the piss out of my hand, soaked my phone with the juice, soaked a load of expense receipts I was also carrying and it hit the hall floor and just fucking exploded....it was literally dripping from the ceiling in my newly decorated hallway. The obvious and considered reaction was to throw an immediate, massive paddy and boot the fucker down the hall while screaming, which has made the whole scenario about 18 times worse.


#67 OFFLINE   cms206

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Posted 24 September 2017 - 01:23 AM

Properly belly laughed at this.

Now I've got the image of Andy CMS hurling himself through the air at an oversized hatchback screaming a uniquely Scottish AArrrooooowwwwafuckingooooooooo.


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'87 Volvo 740 Turbo - GRASSY

'88 Volvo 740GLE - COUNCIL ESTATE INNIT

'89 Austin Montego 2.0EFi Mayfair - BAGGY HEADCLOTH

'96 Volvo 850 S 2.5-10v - ROTTEN
'96 Volvo 850TDi GLT - ROTTEN

'99 Kia Pride 1.3SX - DECAYING


#68 OFFLINE   Dave_Q

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Posted 25 September 2017 - 06:07 PM

I'm getting royally pissed about by two bob botty rockets on social media trying to sell this, so it's for sale cheaper on here.


I've spent rather too long laughing at "two bob botty rockets"
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09 Fiat Multipla

99 SV650

too many pushbikes (apparently)


#69 OFFLINE   Noel Tidybeard

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Posted 25 September 2017 - 10:33 PM

this thread has caused gasket failure of my spherical optical units- you barstaads!


07 Civic spaceship- daily
93 Renner 19 RNi- sulking
89 Sunnay L premium- hiding

 




Only a complete wank-puffin has a personalised licence plate on a Ford Mondeo!


#70 OFFLINE   quicksilver

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Posted 30 September 2017 - 08:34 PM

The one redeeming feature of the PT Cruiser

 

the bonus is that from inside you don't have to look at it.


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Always look on the Shite side of life

 

1999 Vauxhall Zafira - shit or shite?

1978 Austin Maxi - proper shite or proper classic?

1972 Renault 6 - genuine garage find

 

Rusty Old Rubbish - a shite blog about shite and stuff


#71 ONLINE   DVee8

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Posted 02 October 2017 - 07:17 AM

Looks like a tsunami of Bailey's is cascading through the car.

 

From Mr Conrad D.Conelrad from the Ebay thread.

 
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Just rolling along


Daimler 250 V8 1968

BMW 320dGT M-Sport.

Nissan X-Trail N-tec


#72 OFFLINE   vulgalour

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Posted 03 October 2017 - 12:57 AM

I don't see how it can't suffer unmanageable body roll, like if you hold your arm out it'll tip over like Dolly Parton in a friggin Kayak.


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#73 OFFLINE   Hooli

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Posted 03 October 2017 - 01:09 AM

Actual laugh at that last one.


Opinions expressed are those of this cunt, not any other cunt. They do not represent the views of those responsible for this forum.
Like any true Englishman I'm never unintentionally rude. If you're offended by this post, good as that is what was intended.

 


#74 ONLINE   Felly Magic

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Posted 03 October 2017 - 05:04 PM

Properly belly laughed at this.


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What the hell would Rapunzel think of a wheelchair modded Caetano Toybota that nearly all the rear end has become one huge hatchback?


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Yer can't beat a bit o' Autoshite

Felly :P

#75 OFFLINE   cms206

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Posted 03 October 2017 - 05:20 PM

What the hell would Rapunzel think of a wheelchair modded Caetano Toybota that nearly all the rear end has become one huge hatchback?

That is exactly what the GC Smith bodied Leylands did. I have done a wheelchair access Coaster on more than one occasion too.

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'87 Volvo 740 Turbo - GRASSY

'88 Volvo 740GLE - COUNCIL ESTATE INNIT

'89 Austin Montego 2.0EFi Mayfair - BAGGY HEADCLOTH

'96 Volvo 850 S 2.5-10v - ROTTEN
'96 Volvo 850TDi GLT - ROTTEN

'99 Kia Pride 1.3SX - DECAYING


#76 OFFLINE   BenHar

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Posted 03 October 2017 - 09:07 PM

And they (mice) can build nests inside the cam belt cover. Guess what happens.


Suck, squeak, bang, blow?


Ben
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CHRIS1980, on 08 Jan 2016 - 8:37 PM, said:snapback.png

Your clearly thick....end of.


#77 OFFLINE   Cavcraft

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Posted 04 October 2017 - 11:20 AM

The fantastic...

'I resisted the temptation to buy Russian brake shoes, as I'm quite attached to not being dead'

...from StrangeAngel in his Vodkashots motorbike for sale thread
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"As for actually admitting to liking Corsas on a public forum: you're a bollock-brained, biscuit-eating, faux-northern, bastardy, bollocky, wank-brain"

#78 ONLINE   Timewaster

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Posted 04 October 2017 - 08:17 PM

Yet another spat tea moment brought to us by Cavcraft

"Have worked in the same department as some completely useless fat balloon of a bloke for about 11 years now. I still haven't figured out what the custard bollocked two bob knob weasel actually does, and I strongly suspect I never will."
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Pete M wrote:
Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ, I can't believe I'm sad enough as to post on the interweb

Des wrote:
the fine art that is welding, like trying to shovel butter into a badgers arse with a soldering iron.

Don't suffer in silence. Samaritans 116 123

#79 OFFLINE   Sloth in a bowl

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Posted 12 October 2017 - 06:11 PM

A picture says 1000 (very quotable) words

 

The £5 Vel Satis Roffle Thread

 

The Moog, on 04 Oct 2017 - 4:28 PM, said:

 

post-3994-0-16189500-1507130648.png


  • chaseracer, worldofceri, Sigmund Fraud and 3 others like this

Future Shite - 2014 Skoda Octavia VRS

Past Shite - 1974 Datsun 260Z

Current Shite - 2003 Megane Coupe

To be fixed Shite - 1981 Suzuki SC100

 

Previously owned shite

84 Fiat Uno - Rusty

94 Renault Laguna Mk1 - Breaky

02 Volvo V40 - Steady

99 The Scotoshite Kia/Volvo Pride - Funny

00 Ford Puma - Giggly

 


#80 ONLINE   Craig the Princess

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Posted 18 October 2017 - 06:38 AM

This has everything mine didn't; tweedy seats (the fabric, not the (alleged) racist toilet pugilist),


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Filtered through the Heather!


#81 OFFLINE   flat4alfa

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Posted 18 October 2017 - 12:25 PM

Insignia?  I had one as a rental, it was like sitting in an upholstered coal cellar.


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Thanked by 1 Member:
eddyramrod

#82 ONLINE   chaseracer

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Posted 21 October 2017 - 06:25 AM

Can't make either, both coincide with Mrs_Pillock competing in strongwoman competitions

 
Only here would this seem quite normal...  :D


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2018 DS 3 - Domestic Management's staff car

2009 Cannondale Quick CX - too much like hard work
2003 Citroen Berlingo 2.0HDi - buggering on regardless
1995 Peugeot 205 Inca 1.7D - working
1982 Citroen Dyane 6 - hiding...

AS Midland Massiv - in chod we rust...


#83 ONLINE   Junkman

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Posted 25 October 2017 - 02:28 PM

Richard Morris on headlights:

I've put halogens in the 2cv which does at least mean you can warm your hands on the switch!


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1967 Renault 16 GL.....................................now with new exhaust that doesn't work

1979 Mobylette AV89.........................................................................running

1992 Mercedes 230E.............................................Fucking Fourbanger Führerwagen

1997 Peugeot 405 2.0 Executive Estate..............................now with aircon and brakes


#84 OFFLINE   quicksilver

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Posted 26 October 2017 - 04:05 PM

Only on AS would such a suggestion be made

 

 

Maybe he would do a scrappage scheme. We give him some modern shite in return for an auto Maestro. Winning.


  • chaseracer, eddyramrod, Junkman and 2 others like this

Always look on the Shite side of life

 

1999 Vauxhall Zafira - shit or shite?

1978 Austin Maxi - proper shite or proper classic?

1972 Renault 6 - genuine garage find

 

Rusty Old Rubbish - a shite blog about shite and stuff


#85 OFFLINE   Sigmund Fraud

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Posted 03 November 2017 - 01:17 PM

 

Mental illness is still a disability...

 

No, it's a requirement for this forum.


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#86 OFFLINE   Hooli

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Posted 03 November 2017 - 01:18 PM

I never thought I'd make the heady heights of this thread, I feel honoured.


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Opinions expressed are those of this cunt, not any other cunt. They do not represent the views of those responsible for this forum.
Like any true Englishman I'm never unintentionally rude. If you're offended by this post, good as that is what was intended.

 


#87 ONLINE   robinmasters

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Posted 07 November 2017 - 07:28 PM

From the ebay tat thread:
 

Phwooorrr... rare and massively appealing. A Renault 25 with extra 1980s sci-fi spank on the outside and a sticky brown velour sex dungeon on the inside.


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I used to have a signature, but now I don't.

#88 OFFLINE   clayts450

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Posted 07 November 2017 - 08:01 PM

Billy's snap reply to the observation of "There's a bit more of her than there used to be too..." made about the slight porkitude of cute-faced actress Sheridan Smith

 

 

There’s a bit more of me when I see her on telly. 


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Current

2001 Rover 45 V6 Connie; 2003 Chrysler PT Cruiser Limited CRD2004 Rover Streetwise S

 

Historical choddage 1986-1998 (stopped driving 1999-2016)
1969 VW Beetle 1300;  1977 Morris Marina 1.3 Super; 1983 Skoda Estelle 120L; Rover Metro; Vauxhall CorsaVauxhall Cavalier 


#89 OFFLINE   spartacus

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Posted 09 November 2017 - 07:46 PM

'It's parked outside my house and the wife doesn't know it's mine yet.'

SRi05, on the purchase of his new Honda.
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#90 OFFLINE   Hooli

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Posted 09 November 2017 - 07:53 PM

'It's parked outside my house and the wife doesn't know it's mine yet.'

SRi05, on the purchase of his new Honda.

 

It does have all the makings of an utterly classic thread.


Opinions expressed are those of this cunt, not any other cunt. They do not represent the views of those responsible for this forum.
Like any true Englishman I'm never unintentionally rude. If you're offended by this post, good as that is what was intended.

 





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