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Forge pail: Ford Mondeo £300!


Cavcraft

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Have you ever bought a car without dodgy white stains in the middle of the drivers seat? Maybe that's the true cost of a cheap car.....

No but I once bought an interior out of a 2.5 Ghia X Mondeo, I'd stripped the front out and last job was taking the back seats out, underneath was part of the sachet of durex. I'd got that far so I wasn't stopping now, I just knew from that moment it hadn't only been me that had had the joy of the wipe clean leather seat facings.

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Tempted to buy it, store it until it is ok to insure it under a modern classic policy and stick 2 fingers up at the insurance industry.

 

 

It's a fucking Mondeo. They were designed to be uninsured FFS! Just make sure you're 2.5 times over the limit and that you have 3 kids of uncertain parentage in the back seat* when the rozzers pull you over. Make sure you read page 78 of the Ford Mondeo owners manual for this eventuality 'being pulled over by the pigs' for the correct Mondeotalk (cops on cameras version 3).

 

"Aalreet maaaate, 'a woh just on t'wey to t'post office maaate to tax the fukkah"

"Course aaam fukkin ensured maaaate"

"YA FUKKING CUNTS AH WOH JUZ FUKKING GOIN' T'FUKKING POST OFFICE WI' BAIRNS AAAM FUKKING REPORTIN YUZ FOH FUKKING BREACHIN' M' OOOOMAN RIGHTS"

 

 

 

*what's a child seat?

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It's a fucking Mondeo. They were designed to be uninsured FFS! Just make sure you're 2.5 times over the limit and that you have 3 kids of uncertain parentage in the back seat* when the rozzers pull you over. Make sure you read page 78 of the Ford Mondeo owners manual for this eventuality 'being pulled over by the pigs' for the correct Mondeotalk (cops on cameras version 3).

 

"Aalreet maaaate, 'a woh just on t'wey to t'post office maaate to tax the fukkah"

"Course aaam fukkin ensured maaaate"

"YA FUKKING CUNTS AH WOH JUZ FUKKING GOIN' T'FUKKING POST OFFICE WI' BAIRNS AAAM FUKKING REPORTIN YUZ FOH FUKKING BREACHIN' M' OOOOMAN RIGHTS"

 

 

 

*what's a child seat?

 

Just make sure you're not smoking when the old bill pull you over.

 

A spliff's ok though.

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Yeah, plus some baggies. This could be an ace kit to make up and keep in the boot, just in case. It'd be a right laugh*, especially if you keep some baggies of sherbert and tarragon in there too. A very small grinder might be handy for grinding the tarragon, especially if you have pizza or something.

 

Imagine the jollity.

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It's a fucking Mondeo. They were designed to be uninsured FFS! Just make sure you're 2.5 times over the limit and that you have 3 kids of uncertain parentage in the back seat* when the rozzers pull you over. Make sure you read page 78 of the Ford Mondeo owners manual for this eventuality 'being pulled over by the pigs' for the correct Mondeotalk (cops on cameras version 3).

 

"Aalreet maaaate, 'a woh just on t'wey to t'post office maaate to tax the fukkah"

"Course aaam fukkin ensured maaaate"

"YA FUKKING CUNTS AH WOH JUZ FUKKING GOIN' T'FUKKING POST OFFICE WI' BAIRNS AAAM FUKKING REPORTIN YUZ FOH FUKKING BREACHIN' M' OOOOMAN RIGHTS"

 

 

 

*what's a child seat?

I've just laughed out loud at that. Take a bow, Sir.

 

Timeline of a Ford Mondeo usually goes like this:- new to a rep who's driving style is akin to being late for an accident and seeing if he can bounce the needle off the rev counter coming off the roundabout at Weston Favell > sold to middle-aged couple who enjoy bingo and crocheting jumpers for Giles Brandreth and never go further than the end of their nose > sold to a working class family who have a couple of kids but maintain the car and look at it as 'part of the family' > sold to a single mum / low-income family who just about afford to pay their QuickQuid payment off on the minimum every month. Kind of people who find change on them and pay for a dribble of fuel. No maintenance on the car / running bald tyres, coolant all just water, washing up liquid for screenwash / full of dents and scratches and rust wherever you look > scrapyard or banger track. Done.

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I know these are increasingly being driven by RoadWars contestants/dole queue botherers/White lightening swiggers, but they are honestly a good runabout. If the Sterling was truly heading over the bridge, I'd be beating a path to your door.

 

I saw a very clean one today, an LX being driven by fairly normal gentleman. It made me think about this car.

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I had a facelift MK3 Mondy which I bought from two blokes in a shed for an inflated price and which died before I even got it home.

 

Once I got it running after expending £lots on diagnosis and a new fuel pump, I found it to be a most pleasurable beast to chug about in. However my one criticism of it was that the supplied 6000CD playermabob (as pictured in the below photo) was SHOCKING. Just really disappointingly bad.

 

facelift_mondy.jpg

 

Because I'd spent all my money I never bought the facia adapter, and just ended up doing this:

 

pioneer_mondeo.jpg

 

The difference in power and sound quality, even on the rubbish papier-maché speakers Ford give you, was really very noticeable.

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