"A Tale Of Two Shitties" by Charles Dickend (Aged 43 and a bit)

[CreepingJesus]

BOOK THE FIRST: RECALLED TO FIFE

 

It was the best of times.

It was the worst of times.

(I do hope this isn't going to be another overly long intro, Dickend - Ed.)

It was...blah blah, some other stuff which I rammed up my editor's Khyber...

 

We had everything in front of us: two Volvos, a load of tools and some work to do.

The idea was that the V70 should have a lie down for a bit, until I did the cambelt and the back brakes. But first, I should have some fun with the T5. Definitely the thing to do. Until it didn't want to play any more.

 

 

The ignition finally gave up the ghost on the second floor of the Kingsgate multi-storey, and refused to be bodged back to life. Credit to my two elder sons who managed to shove the thing out to the street, to be rescued by the world's smokiest Iveco. Cheers, Tony.

Dumped at the other end of the street, we went to shove it back to CJ Towers after tea, and dontcha know it? It started and ran just fine. Oh, it's going to be like that, is it? Well, I'll just have to fix that...

 

 

Well fucked. The cap was just as worn out, and oily too. Clearly the inlet cam rear seal is leaking too. Maybe that's where all the oil's going? Might as well put some linseed oil on the grey plastics. At least I know where that oil's going. Straight into all that dried out plastic! (I reckon it's a better method than using heat to redistribute what little Brent Crude is left in there. £3 bottle of linseed from B+Q ftw - it's a sight cheaper than the two bottles of Back To Black my neighbour used!)

 

 

Still running rough after that, because the stat's stuck open. Easy fix. Or not, 'cos the screw under the fuel rail's welded in. Fuck it, order bolts and a stat cap (in case it gets wasted - it is alloy) and do that another day.

What happened next, I had no desire to take a pic of. Thick oily grey smoke from the exhaust, lots of it. Even more than Tony's Iveco. And no boost to speak of.

DAMN YOU, CAR! WHY MUST YOU TEMPT ME IN WITH TURBOCHARGED MADNESS, THEN REMOVE THE ACCELERATION FIX DEVICE????

 

 

Maybe... The concensus opinion at the Scotoshite nosh-up was 'bridge', but I'm not so sure. It is an AS bike of sorts, and is pretty solid otherwise. Other than the intermittent clutch, leaking cam seal, stuck stat, rear strut cap knocking away, borked stereo and it being covered in solidified flour, after an ice bucket challenge went wrong. (I know...you'd have to live here to understand.)

 

Then, just to make sure I wasn't ignoring it, the V70's fan packed up again. I probably need another heater control panel, which leaves me, for the second time during its' stay chez nous, with the unlikely problem, that it's so under-specced, that non-aircon HCPs for these are quite hard to come by.

 

As we say in the SVM: because Volvo.

[cms206]

It'll be fine... I kinda miss it. Not enough to want it back, but I kinda miss it.

[Richard]

I'd be interested in raiding a few bits off it first if it's going to the bridge, either by buying it or being let loose before it goes. It's mainly a decent spare wheel I want (my current spare is a horrible 3 spoke effort with 1000000 balance weights on it) but there might be a few other bits I could use. Obviously I'd pay for what I took and I would make sure it still looked like a complete car.

[Spiny Norman]

Shame it's come to that, it's a remarkably fine looking car given its bargainous price.

Still, at least you're unlikely to be out of pocket bridging it given the weight of the fucker.

[CreepingJesus]

It's not going for the bridge just yet, Richard. It's getting a second chance, courtesy of a s/h turbo which will be winging it's way up from Kent in due course. WCPGW?

Although, a PM chat on Faceache revealed where there are some 800/x70s breaking, other than Volvo Jim's. I might take a trip over there, so if you PM me a list, I might be able to help.

 

It nearly came to that, the other night, when I asked after Wuvvum's Cav on Faceache. It had only just sold at the time, but the numbers were close to working out, and I like Cavs, so it might have happened. But the T5's a persistent big bastard, so it stays, for now. I might even have a crack at changing the clutch in the new year, all else being set fair.

[DodgyBastard]

Scrap that shite and buy this shite for £600
 

 

 

 

You know it makes sense, and better still it's less than a mile from you!

[CreepingJesus]

Well, seeing as things might be on the move again ( note:might), I suppose I might as well bring this up to date.

 

The T5 just would not be fixed. Try as I might, it was having none of it. So, with a whingeing bawbag neighbour who might yet find my size 11 steelie up his erse, bumping his gums to the council, police, United Nations etc., FOAD of this parish attempted a rescue.

 

 

It wasn't having that either. Too wide, too big for the trailer. Although watching the Tata pull that would've been something to see.

So, it made an exit courtesy of another smoky Iveco.

 

 

Cheerio.

I will have another one someday, there's something very very special about the way those barges say hello to the horizon. But that day will come when I've got some mechanical mojo back: utterly failing to replace a turbo wiped my spanner confidence out completely. Which hasn't helped the other one very much...

 

On the plus side, they're incredibly tough: last year, he dumped all his coolant on the M90 when the bottom hose came off, and survived coasting a couple of minutes to safety, where a bodge was applied:

 

 

And being punted by a blind old posh bat in a split new X5:

 

 

The X5 came off worse thankfully. Fuck yeah. Gerrit right roon ye hen.

He was still running fine, despite everything. Until earlier in the year when he decided two cylinders weren't necessary and a 1500cc three pot was fine for hauling 1.75t of car around. Worse still, my other half was in a bad way in hospital at the time, so that ramped the 'I cannot afford to break it fixing it' fear up to about seven billion. Maybe more.

The solution, once I'd stopped being a total fanny about it, was simple and predictable:

 

 

Just needed gapped and a wee daud of leccy tape*. Five plugs and leads, and all was well.

All this time, the screen had been gradually cracking across, and that hasn't magically healed itself either (no pic because it's proving hard to show properly), so a new screen is on the list. Back in March, the slight tap from the rear suspension turned into a full horror film knocking after going up a farm track to get to a paintball place. Bollocks. It's using oil and water, the cambelt is overdue by a long way, and just in the last week or so, some exhaust manifold gasket has decided not to seal either. Carbon monoxide intoxication is not much fun folks.

But at least the unholy combination of noises it makes, in concert with chunks of paint falling off and the general air of neglect, gets the fuds at the primary school out of my way fairly well. Upsides, downsides, eh?

 

So...he's going for a rest. Famous last words I know, and I've said it before. But I mean it this time. Honest.

If I can pull off the current replacement plan...well, let's just say, I'm looking forward to this.

[dugong]

ATS YIR VOLVEE DEID NOO

[CreepingJesus]

DEATH OR GLORY!