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Autoshite lexicon


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#1 OFFLINE   Formula Autos

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Posted 08 June 2013 - 05:30 PM

 

 

 Seems like we're expecting a sudden influx of members on this new fangled board doo-hickey, so I've compiled the following (in the style of Viz's Profanisaurus) to allow them to stand a fighting chance of knowing what us saddos are banging on about. Feel free to add any more terms I may have missed. 

 

 

Bavarian Sierra – A BMW 3 series.

 

BOL (or Book of Lies) – Owners Workshop Manuals, published by Haynes. Lies are in the form of statements such as “refitting is the reversal of removal”. These publications have led to much shite being stranded in lock-ups the world over.

 

Bubble Rovers – the Rover 200 (later 25) that succeeded the R8. Increasingly seen as being loaded with WIN (see also).

 

Disastra – Vauxhall Astra. Seemingly more Disastraous with successive models – the Mk 1 being seen as something of a WINNAR – mobile (see also), whilst the latest model is seen by some as a bloated example of everything wrong with modern cars.

 

EPIC – A purchase of outstanding quality. May be an acronym for Excellence Personified In Car form (or that may be utter bullshit).

 

eBay mongs – A particularly annoying lifeform, who seem to congeregate in this online market. Often reported to communicate by grunting. They can usually be discerned by spotting the tell-tale signs, such as crap/vague/misleading descriptions of their goods (often almost entirely in TXT SPK), upside down pictures, over-optimistic valuations, or offers to buy a grand’s worth of car for “HNDRD CASH – COLCT 2NITE M8?”. Best avoided, although this isn’t always possible. Invariably they know someone “in the trade”*, who accompanies them on a test drive.

 

*or has seen 8 episodes of Wheeler Dealers and is thus up there with Wayne Carini in the knowledge department.

 

Evil Bay – eBay. Usually described as such by those who have been royally screwed in terms of fees and/or their eBay rating, or who have suffered terribly at the hands of eBay mongs (see also).

 

Gallic Allegro – Renault 14.

 

Gopping – Of dubious aesthetic quality, e.g. a Ssang-Yyong Rodius, or David Gest.

 

Halfrauds – Halfords. Mention of this word is almost as divisive as that of Vauxhall (see also).

 

HGF – (often prefaced by OMG, to express extreme surprise) Head Gasket Failure. Seen by some as almost inevitable for Kettle series engines (see also).

 

Kettle series – A range of engines used in Rover vehicles from 1989 onwards. Often suffering from OMG HGF (see also). Sometimes known as K Series.

 

Grim – an expression of the excellence of a particular vehicle. Grimness is usually determined by the vehicle’s unattractiveness to the general motoring public, poor levels of equipment or appointments, or general poor condition. Grimness can usually be enhanced by paint or trim in unappealing ‘earth’ colours, dubious reliability, and a general “un-MOT-able” air. Grim vehicles are best photographed in a ‘vibrant’ part of town with a blurry camera phone, for maximum effect.

 

‘Honda’ engined – A flowery term used by eBay mongs (see also) to try and convince even more mongish punters to buy their K series/ diesel engined Rover on eBay. Were you to believe the pronouncements of these vendors, you would have to come to the conclusion that there are more Honda engine Rover products in existence now than ever actually left Rover’s factories in the first place.

 

Pisshat – VW Passat.

 

Pogweasel Pink – A definite shade that red cars fade to over time. Not quite pink, but pinkish, and not red either. Named after a number of afflicted vehicles owned by prolific former member “Pogweasel”.

 

Puke – Nissan Juke. Also known as the Joke, Datsun on Stilts, etc., etc.

 

RATLUK – The needless ruination of perfectly good cars by knobheads trying to be ‘individual’.

 

ROFLcopter – an almost mythical device that used to be deployed many years ago at times of extreme mirth. Its exact purpose was unclear, but it is possible that the combination of the downdraught from its rotor blades, and the fumes from its poorly maintained powerplant may have sent those in the vicinity into a sort-of laughing gas like stupor, thus prolonging the aforementioned mirth. Not seen for years, it is rumoured that the ROFLcopter was KV6 powered and thus has suffered an inevitable double HGF (see also). Unfounded rumours abound that it may be stashed in Sam Glover’s hangar, behind a DAF.

 

Scene tax – An extraordinarily stupid levy applied to cars that are seen as being cool, and part of a ‘scene’, which drives the price up to stupid levels. Usually applies to sporty Fords and VAG products.

 

Shizzle – Shite.

 

Tagora – A byword for excellence, and a car which ownership of marks you out as being in the Special Forces of shiting.

 

Top bombing – A pronouncement of approval at the latest ill-advised purchase of shizzle by one of our own.

 

Unpleasantness (the) – The demise of MGRover in 2005.

 

Vauxhall – The UK arm of GM’s global car manufacturing business. Possibly the most divisive word you can type into this forum, as if you do this someone will soon be along to tell you “ALL VXLs ARE SHIT M8!”

 

WIN – An indeterminate quality, but the source of much awe in Autoshite circles. The easiest way to summarise is to say that a Daewoo Leganza has significantly more WIN than a brand new Golf.

 

WINNAR –mobile – A chariot of champions, such as a Talbot Tagora.

 

Yankee Allegro – AMC Pacer.

 

 

 

 


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Hello to Jason Isaacs

Hello Buglers!


#2 OFFLINE   Jim Bell

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Posted 08 June 2013 - 05:36 PM

Its so warm today, there isnt even a mention of

 

Snokaos -  September to May. The time of year to sell old, broken fourbees to pancake tossers.


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#3 OFFLINE   vulgalour

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Posted 08 June 2013 - 05:37 PM

Wob - filler, specifically of the variety applied in large and undulating quantities to the lower 4-12" of any car of any age, though normally to the more elderly vehicle.



#4 OFFLINE   trigger

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Posted 08 June 2013 - 05:52 PM

Heather Mills spec - Automatic.


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1977 Morris Marina 2 1.3 Deluxe Estate

1984 Morris Ital 575 Van

2008 Skoda Fabia 1.9TDi Sport 105

 

 


#5 OFFLINE   Jim Bell

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Posted 08 June 2013 - 06:01 PM

Heather Mills spec - Automatic.

 

Heather Mills Condition - Very cheap, but ends up costing a fortune in maintainence.


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#6 OFFLINE   Charlie Croker

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Posted 08 June 2013 - 07:41 PM

      Giffer Spec.   A type of car you know is either owned by or was bought new by anyone over 65.

                            For example...Austin Maestro 1.3 Auto in Hearing aid beige


1994 Golf 2.0 Avantguarde cabby. Off the road.....AGAIN!!
1997 Vauxhall Vectra 1.6 Premier. Giffer owned last 9 years and it drives like a new one.

2003 Vauxhall Vectra 2.2 Elegance. It makes me want to sleeeeeeeep.


#7 OFFLINE   ShiteRider

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Posted 08 June 2013 - 08:20 PM

Heather Mills spec - Automatic.

See also "Bader-matic"



#8 OFFLINE   outlaw118

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Posted 08 June 2013 - 09:01 PM

The Acronym (which i think is the right term) ATCNBE.

I believe it to be exclusively used on this site, origins unknown, but often attached/used to caption a photo of a vehicle/item of dubious quality, which also features a (normally) female with some kind of attractive* physical attribute. More recently used most often in the "ebay tat" thread or the "cars and girls" thread. Or used sarcastically when anything is advertised by that dodgy looking foreign bird off "Goldies"(?).

"lovely bodywork, great headlights, goes like a train. ATCNBE"


2005 Volvo XC90 2.4 Dizzler MEGAMOOSE

1985 Ford Capri 2.0 - Baby - Sulking - Broken

2012 Vauxhall Combo 1.3 Dizzle - Workshite

2012 Kia Rio - Mills -o- matic SWMBO

2005 Ford Fiesta 1.25 zeeetekkyo Stepdaughtershite

2003 Ford Focus 1600 Ghia - Bargainous Stepson shite


#9 OFFLINE   Alexg

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Posted 08 June 2013 - 09:24 PM

Chod - undesirable, miserable and crap old car


1979 Allegro Estate S2

1985 Sinclair C5

1974 Renault 5 TL - SOLD

2001 Rover 75 Connoisseur SE 2.5 V6

@alex_the_beard

 

 


#10 OFFLINE   Lankytim

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Posted 08 June 2013 - 10:05 PM

Badermatic- Automatic, after the famous WWII fighter ace, Douglas Bader who flew aircraft despite having prosthetic legs.


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2004 Fiat Multipla JTD, running on Biodiesel

2005 Jaguar X type diesel

1958 Mantaray VW buggy


#11 OFFLINE   trigger

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Posted 08 June 2013 - 10:10 PM

That's a new one on me.

1977 Morris Marina 2 1.3 Deluxe Estate

1984 Morris Ital 575 Van

2008 Skoda Fabia 1.9TDi Sport 105

 

 


#12 OFFLINE   vulgalour

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Posted 08 June 2013 - 10:28 PM

The application of the Ubiquitous Asterisk can imply hidden levels of meaning to even the most mundane sentence.

 

"Nobody can resist the obvious charms* of the FSO Polonez."


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#13 ONLINE   Junkman

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Posted 08 June 2013 - 10:55 PM

Woollarding - something Mr. and Ms. Trigger do.


1967 Renault 16 Grand Luxe............................Thanks to Weber now running well on regular gas

1979 Mobylette AV89...............................................................................Miss Lette

1997 Peugeot 405 2.0 Executive Estate.........................................now with yet another MoT


#14 OFFLINE   Breadvan72

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Posted 09 June 2013 - 05:57 AM

Beige - the colour of God's car.


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1975 Triumph Dolomite Sprint 1979 Lancia Beta 1600 Coupe (work in progress) 1980 Yamaha RD125 DX1981 Austin-Morris Sherpa 2.0 Autosleeper1982 Moto Morini 350 Strada1983 Rover SD1 2600 SE1992 Jaguar XJS 4.0 (work not in progress)1994 UMM 4x4 Alter II - Phase 3 - 2.5D<p>1998 Honda CG125 CDI

#15 OFFLINE   The Moog

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Posted 09 June 2013 - 06:43 AM

Moccasins - vital to be include in every for sale thread. Increase any items worth tenfold*

GR <8 is shit

GR >8 is for winnars

Cavcraft- purveyors of finest quality autos, normally a corsa

Sherpa Coupe - M*B


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1999 - 406 2.0 hdi 90
1991 - Eunos Track beast
2003 - Getz

#16 OFFLINE   Richard

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Posted 09 June 2013 - 08:21 AM

Bavarian Sierra is a 5 Series. It's more a Macdroitwich thing isn't it?



#17 OFFLINE   RedSparrow

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Posted 09 June 2013 - 08:58 AM

 

Snokaos -  September to May. The time of year to sell old, broken fourbees to pancake tossers.

 

This should be in ALL CAPS and is often preceded by OMG.


Conrad Knight Socks


#18 OFFLINE   Hendry

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Posted 09 June 2013 - 11:17 AM

What about:

A modern - any car newer than 1998 reg.

FPOS - French piece of shit

Previous Car History:

97 R Vauxhall Astra 1.6 LS

02 51 Peugeot 206 1.4 LX

04 04 Renault Clio 1.2 Dynamique

98 S Hyundai Accent 1.3 Si Coupe

05 55 Vauxhall Corsa 1.4 SXi

02 52 Vauxhall Astra 1.6 Comfort

97 P Volkswagen Golf 1.4 SE

05 05 Vauxhall Astra 1.8 Design

09 59 Renault Clio 1.2 Dynamique

15 15 Vauxhall Corsa 1.4 SRi

09 09 Volkswagen Jetta 2.0 CR TDi Sport 140bhp (Current)


#19 OFFLINE   Jim Bell

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Posted 09 June 2013 - 03:17 PM

French - A description and a diagnosis of an intermitant and untraceable electrical fault.


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#20 OFFLINE   Pillock

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Posted 09 June 2013 - 07:36 PM

Ebay Tat: Things that are worth owning.

Ebay Bargains: Things that are not bargains.



#21 OFFLINE   HH-R

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Posted 09 June 2013 - 08:24 PM

I've never heard Rammel outside of this forum.



#22 OFFLINE   HH-R

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Posted 09 June 2013 - 08:26 PM

For the Honda* engined Rovers, I think the rule is if it's broken it's one of those "Shitty Rover engines", if it has been reliable then it is a Honda (or BMW).



#23 OFFLINE   Cavcraft

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Posted 09 June 2013 - 08:30 PM

'Mingebag': most rubbish/cheapskate.

 

'Hammering a smaller': the art of dragging a joke out for several years, each subsequent one being less funny than the last. Which itself is pretty remarkable.


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"As for actually admitting to liking Corsas on a public forum: you're a bollock-brained, biscuit-eating, faux-northern, bastardy, bollocky, wank-brain"

#24 OFFLINE   vulgalour

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Posted 09 June 2013 - 09:22 PM

It's probably too early to introduce the horse and train picture at this juncture, I shall return to mention it in two or three pages time.



#25 ONLINE   Junkman

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Posted 09 June 2013 - 11:18 PM

Beige - the colour of God's car.

 

Brown - a very dark shade of beige.


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1967 Renault 16 Grand Luxe............................Thanks to Weber now running well on regular gas

1979 Mobylette AV89...............................................................................Miss Lette

1997 Peugeot 405 2.0 Executive Estate.........................................now with yet another MoT


#26 OFFLINE   vulgalour

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Posted 09 June 2013 - 11:30 PM

Jewish Racing Gold - a metallic beige.



#27 OFFLINE   CreepingJesus

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Posted 10 June 2013 - 04:15 PM

D701SWL - legendary Land Rover which can be claimed by anyone, to have been bought at any time in the past, present or future, by their relative of choice.

Barried/Barry Boy - the process, and processor of attachment of vast quantities of plastic, wob and tint film to an unsuspecting car. Usually hideous to the point of hilarity. See also Chav Chariot or (in Scotland) Nedmobile.
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...as the actress said to the bishop.

 

Truck magazine scans!

 

Some short stories of mine...


#28 OFFLINE   John F

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Posted 10 June 2013 - 04:35 PM

D701SWL - legendary Land Rover which can be claimed by anyone, to have been bought at any time in the past, present or future, by their relative of choice.

 

For example: I bought Defender 110 reg. no. D701 SWL in two years' time, brand new, from the previous owner who was my dad, but he didn't actually own it because it was brand new. Or it will be, in 2 year's time. PHACT.


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Never knowingly under-ambitious

 

'99 Land Rover Discovery ES V8

'97 Land Rover Discovery 300 TDi

'94 Vauxhall Calibra V6
'91 Maserati 222 SE

'88 Yamaha XJ900F

'86 Honda CBX 750F
'82 Suzuki GSX1100SZ Katana


#29 OFFLINE   rml2345

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Posted 10 June 2013 - 04:42 PM

PHAKT or PHACT - Sonething that may* or may not be true. (See asterisk).
Current Wheels;
1994 Volvo 850 GLT Saloon (Twice)
Previous Wheels;
2003 Peugeot 406 HDi Saloon
2003 Rover 75 CDT Connoisseur Saloon
2003 Toyota "Leyland" Yaris T Spirit (Three times)
2002 Mitsubishi Carisma DI-D (Blob)
2001 Rover 75 CDT Tourer (Clover)
2000 Rover 75 CDT Saloon
2000 Honda Accord SE Executive
1996 Citroën Xantia Dimension (Les Hamper des Bisquites)
1996 Volvo 940 SE Turbo Estate (Beeb)
1993 Citroën AX Neon (Les Tin des Bisquites)
1994 Volvo 850 SE Saloon
1989 Volvo 740 GLE Saloon
1988 Volvo 740 GL Saloon (Telly)

#30 OFFLINE   ruffgeezer

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Posted 10 June 2013 - 05:06 PM

Dragging it's arse like a broken dog; The standard "nose up" stance of most torsion bar equipped PSA estates from the late 90s to early '00s. 


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1973 Datsun 1200 Station Wagon
2002 V70 D5; mega. mega miles. Mega broken.
1995 AX VTS
2007 Berlingo (Mrs Ruff's)
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