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Autoshite TV


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#61 ONLINE   Björn

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Posted 01 September 2013 - 04:59 PM

Listened to (rather than watched) Bullseye on the Challenge channel yesterday. The contestants sadly missed out on winning a base spec white Peugeot 205. :sad: Despite the poverty spec, it did have a passenger side wing mirror.

That, or a speedboat, or an Austin Metro


1991 Saab 900i 16v auto Cherry red
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#62 OFFLINE   Grundig

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Posted 01 September 2013 - 05:27 PM

"Mind your Language" is of that era (and very un-PC by today's standards).  

 

A must for ASTV I would have thought.

 

..... set in a car maintenance evening class, the students have to repair 70's shite from their own country of origin without effin 'n' jeffin - Tonights episode, the Italian lothario is fighting a losing battle against the tin worm in his alfasud , big belly laughs & a string of pigeon English obscenities follow as his moustache gets singed during the weld-a-thon 


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I'm not antisocial,  I just don't like other people


#63 OFFLINE   AndyW201

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Posted 01 September 2013 - 05:43 PM

New! This Autumn on ASTV,

Drama with 'Home and Away'. Each week a shiter is faced with two identical non MOTd project cars on eBay. Does he go for the easy option and go for the car in his home town?

Or does he go for the one 375 miles away armed only with a 2 litre pop bottle with water/antifreeze mix, a jumpstart pack with 50% charge left, a can of tyre weld and a £9 train ticket. 2500 shiters points and a pre booked MOT at a garage of the winners choice are up for grabs.

Also! Don't miss!

Man vs Chod

Former mechanic Adam Poorguy travels the UK looking for the top towns for spotting shite, sampling tasty dishes like J reg Proton with underseal jus, medium rare mk1 Mondeo with uncracked bumpers and the French fancy - 1.4 litres of Peugeot 405.
Adam's big shite challenges include VW heater channel welding by the roadside and twin SU balancing against the clock.

Only on ASTV. Oh, and on Dave in a year's time...
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2004 Skoda Octavia 1.8 VRS. Tuuuuuuurrrrrboooooo!
1998 Merc C200 Elegance. Crispy!

Autoshite- Doing for the classic car movement what cystitis does for honeymoons.

#64 ONLINE   warren t claim

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Posted 01 September 2013 - 06:09 PM

22.00-06.00 Rabbit Dating

 

A shiter with a fat bumpered mk1 Golf tries to find it a new home on Retro Rides for £5000 to some scenester with an ironic haircut and Pineapple training shoes.


Warren T Claim said, "I'd rather find blood on my toilet paper than a hybrid on my driveway".


#65 OFFLINE   Grundig

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Posted 01 September 2013 - 06:51 PM

Come whine with me

 

Over a week, 5 gobshites go round to each others house where they strip & rebuild a gearbox on the kitchen table - then after a chippy supper they all jump in the hot tub 

 

 

Shite In Their Eyes 

 

 

  Turn a bog spec model into the top of the range or sport version - "tonight Mathew my 1.1 popular will be an XR2 looky likey" 


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I'm not antisocial,  I just don't like other people


#66 ONLINE   Ghosty

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Posted 01 September 2013 - 07:18 PM

Maestromind - contestants show their knowledge on old shite, with specialist subjects ranging from the causes of DMF to the life and times of the Lonsdale.


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1990 Rover 416GSi - SORN; for sale

1991 Rover 416GTi - multicoloured haunted HGFing moneypit

 

"Continuer indépendamment"


#67 OFFLINE   Grundig

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Posted 01 September 2013 - 07:47 PM

Cuntdown - The Cuntestants  make up rude words out of the selected Vowels & Consonants, then, in the maths round, they have to tot up the sums involved in running a shite car in such a way that you never spent more on the pile of shite than it is ever worth :oops:  obviously it will need a nice bit of crumpet who has a wardrobe malfunction every episode to host it  :wink:


  • dugong likes this

I'm not antisocial,  I just don't like other people


#68 ONLINE   anonymous user

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Posted 01 September 2013 - 08:26 PM

Pro Celebrity Golf - follow Hugh Grant's adventures as he goes kerb-crawling in Volkswagen hatch-back


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#69 OFFLINE   Grundig

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Posted 02 September 2013 - 07:19 PM

 The Wheel Banders & Munters club - Set in a gritty working mans club, the Comedians rip into the boozers clientèle, taking the mick out of their birds & cars - as the beer & piss taking flows, Colin Crompton & Bernard Manning are on hand to keep things clean & politically correct


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I'm not antisocial,  I just don't like other people


#70 ONLINE   Pillock

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Posted 02 September 2013 - 07:55 PM

Don't Tell The Bride

...that the groom is going to be slightly late as he turns up in a FSO Caro he's diverted 30 miles to buy on the way to the church, and had to fix the fanbelt on the way.


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#71 ONLINE   Ghosty

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Posted 02 September 2013 - 10:12 PM

How about shite-themed Family Fortunes where you win a Daewoo Leganza or a Rover Metro?

Except it's new, not a repeat.


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1990 Rover 416GSi - SORN; for sale

1991 Rover 416GTi - multicoloured haunted HGFing moneypit

 

"Continuer indépendamment"


#72 OFFLINE   fordperv

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Posted 02 September 2013 - 10:33 PM

new to astv dales shitemarket sweep, this exciting game show is hosted by dale shite-poker it has 3 teams of 2 people and a clock that has a minute on it, they answer questions and riddles about shite and their component parts to try to add precious time to use in the shite sweep in which they run around the motorfactors collecting much needed n.o.s, discontinued parts, consumables and extra bonus points are awarded for essential bodge items collected, the team with the most obscure collection of parts wins  


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Sir slidealot, knight of the roundabout

#73 ONLINE   vulgalour

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Posted 03 September 2013 - 01:40 AM

Chodwatch

Footage from the 1980s to the present day of police chases redubbed to bring interesting vehicles both in the chases and the background to the attention of the viewer.

 

Saints & Scroungers

Roger Moore drives around the UK in a Volvo seeking out the cheapest and most bargainous of vehicles without asking anyone to hold out their hand in a terrible mockney accent.  Roger's challenge this week is to find an old Ford in roadworthy condition for a reasonable price and to convince the elderly owner of a Morris Minor that it really is a deathtrap and that chicken wire is not structurally sound repair material.


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#74 OFFLINE   Taff

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Posted 02 April 2014 - 06:13 PM

Can’t park, won’t park:- Presented by Gary Wilmot and this week live from Sainsbury’s, Macclesfield, where we prowl the car park to capture people who are so thick, they can’t get their Renault Clio into a standard parking space

 

Shite in their eyes :- Presented by Ant or Dec and each week we ask a selection of untalented d-list lookalikes what car they would have bought, had they passed their test in 1979. The winner gets a 1993 Mitsubishi Gallant with a non-functioning electric sunroof

 

Mastershite:- a smug Frenchman and a mouthy bald prick poke fun at your pride and joy. Contains adult scenes.

 

Only shite & horses:- Join David Jason and Nicholas Lyndhurst as they attempt the Herculean task of buying every single Trotter-themed three wheeler ever offered on eBay.

 

Shite of a feather:- Hilarious sit com featuring three blokes whose wives have left them after they each bought a Citroën unseen off the internet.

 

Shitestation – a slightly bong-eyed lass from Preston with bad tattoos and wearing just a glittery thong attempts to change the turbo on a 1991 Saab


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so, it's 2am & I'm driving past prostitutes in short strappy dresses with bare arms and legs. I want to stop and offer them 10 minutes in a heated car, but no police officer is going to believe that.


#75 OFFLINE   Sloth in a bowl

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Posted 02 April 2014 - 06:59 PM

I'd watch shitestation, especially if she had a workshop manual that is only in Swedish.


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Future Shite - 2014 Skoda Octavia VRS

Past Shite - 1974 Datsun 260Z

Current Shite - 2003 Megane Coupe

To be fixed Shite - 1981 Suzuki SC100

 

Previously owned shite

84 Fiat Uno - Rusty

94 Renault Laguna Mk1 - Breaky

02 Volvo V40 - Steady

99 The Scotoshite Kia/Volvo Pride - Funny

00 Ford Puma - Giggly

 


#76 OFFLINE   dugong

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Posted 02 April 2014 - 08:23 PM

Can't Scrap, Won't Scrap. Everyone from Autoshite goes and buys brake pads from the local scrappy, even though a brand new set costs £4 more. [repeat, Borders can fuck off]. 


  • drivewaymyway likes this

If your 1997 Fiesta is "Powered By Fairy Dust", why the fuck are you panic buying 60 litres of Diesel?


#77 ONLINE   vulgalour

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Posted 02 April 2014 - 08:29 PM

The Bridge - with subtitles. Foreign language crime drama attempting to discover who is responsible for sending perfectly serviceable low mileage, single owner cars to their doom.


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#78 OFFLINE   Conrad D. Conelrad

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Posted 02 April 2014 - 08:29 PM

MOVIE: Herbie Goes Pineapples


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#79 ONLINE   Ghosty

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Posted 02 April 2014 - 09:00 PM

And now, it's The Doctor Who!

Join the purple horseman of the apocalypse as he travels around four stars on a search for low mileage chod.


1990 Rover 416GSi - SORN; for sale

1991 Rover 416GTi - multicoloured haunted HGFing moneypit

 

"Continuer indépendamment"


#80 OFFLINE   Sloth in a bowl

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Posted 02 April 2014 - 09:27 PM

Death in Paradise - In tonight's program Ben Miller-Cycle explores the scrapyards of the Caribbean

 

Bang goes the Tesla - The heat is rising as electric cars are tested to destruction in Death Valley

 

Britains got Trabant - The public gets to vote on the finest eastern European chod that the UKs driveways can offer.

 

The Apprentice - At Halfrauds, Mick 'Two Planks' Taylor goes off in the search for some tartan paint, then fixes the brakes on the local Lions Cub Minibus

 

Banged Up Abroad - Looking at UK drivers who crash on the continent, this week a Lions tour in the Alps ends in brake failure and tragedy

 

Car Booty - The Renault Megane (again)

 

Hootenanny - Jools Holland sneaks up on more pram pushers before letting loose 103db of Colonel Bogey

 

Horrible Histories - Ludicrous Leyland (warning: not suitable for children)

 

Horrible Histories - Veni Vidi VAG (warning: contains graphic scenes of extreme pineappleage )

 

 

 

That'll do for now


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Future Shite - 2014 Skoda Octavia VRS

Past Shite - 1974 Datsun 260Z

Current Shite - 2003 Megane Coupe

To be fixed Shite - 1981 Suzuki SC100

 

Previously owned shite

84 Fiat Uno - Rusty

94 Renault Laguna Mk1 - Breaky

02 Volvo V40 - Steady

99 The Scotoshite Kia/Volvo Pride - Funny

00 Ford Puma - Giggly

 


#81 OFFLINE   Taff

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Posted 02 April 2014 - 09:52 PM

I'd watch shitestation, especially if she had a workshop manual that is only in Swedish.

 

you disgust me


so, it's 2am & I'm driving past prostitutes in short strappy dresses with bare arms and legs. I want to stop and offer them 10 minutes in a heated car, but no police officer is going to believe that.


#82 OFFLINE   Sloth in a bowl

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Posted 02 April 2014 - 09:53 PM

you disgust me

 

Sometimes, I disgust myself.


Future Shite - 2014 Skoda Octavia VRS

Past Shite - 1974 Datsun 260Z

Current Shite - 2003 Megane Coupe

To be fixed Shite - 1981 Suzuki SC100

 

Previously owned shite

84 Fiat Uno - Rusty

94 Renault Laguna Mk1 - Breaky

02 Volvo V40 - Steady

99 The Scotoshite Kia/Volvo Pride - Funny

00 Ford Puma - Giggly

 


#83 OFFLINE   Taff

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Posted 02 April 2014 - 10:01 PM

Sometimes, I disgust myself.

 

I blame all the quality TV we are busy dreaming up


so, it's 2am & I'm driving past prostitutes in short strappy dresses with bare arms and legs. I want to stop and offer them 10 minutes in a heated car, but no police officer is going to believe that.


#84 OFFLINE   Doctormop

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Posted 02 April 2014 - 10:29 PM

The Price is Shite;

Everyday people selected at random from a studio audience have to guess the current cost of a set of 4 Fukkyamota spark plugs with matching condensya to the nearest 4 pence currently offered as a Buy it now (exchange rates pending) on Ebay International.

(Great grandson of Leslie Crowther may be available to host if he ever gets round to telling Stork from Butter)


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We live; but we never bloody learn!

#85 OFFLINE   AndyW201

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Posted 02 April 2014 - 10:59 PM

Coming soon, to ASTV,

Classic comedy-drama with Auf Wiedersehen, Twats!
Fed up of life in the UK, three scened-up VWs hop on a ferry to Germany in search of a better life, away from chopped coils, nitromors and roofracks. Featuring the great sing-along theme tune 'Back with stock springs again', sung by Joe Fagin. (well it better be, Mark Knopfler can FRO this time...)

And look out for the return of the high brow quiz show 'Call my Bluff', where Paddy McGuinness reads a panel of intelligent celebrities three eBay 'barn find' listings and the panel have to sift through the bullshit to determine which of the vehicles have actually been near a barn. This week's panel are Duncan from Blue, Joey Essex and Shakin' Stevens.

All this and more kwality programming this Spring on ASTV. Because you'd only be on Porntube otherwise...
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2004 Skoda Octavia 1.8 VRS. Tuuuuuuurrrrrboooooo!
1998 Merc C200 Elegance. Crispy!

Autoshite- Doing for the classic car movement what cystitis does for honeymoons.

#86 ONLINE   Ghosty

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Posted 02 April 2014 - 11:17 PM

13591512334_f5380109a5.jpg


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1990 Rover 416GSi - SORN; for sale

1991 Rover 416GTi - multicoloured haunted HGFing moneypit

 

"Continuer indépendamment"


#87 OFFLINE   passmethegun

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Posted 03 April 2014 - 03:38 AM

Tuesday 20:30 - The Great British Welding Bee:  DURATION: 1 HOUR

 

Claudia Winkleman welcomes the seven amateur mechanics as they return to the lock-up to "repair" cars with a slightly shitey flavour.

They face three challenges to test their ability to repair, replace and respray, starting with the bottom 6" of a Fiat X1/9. For the alteration challenge they are given a broken washing machine, Transit roof panel and, as always, a bottomless tin of P38. From these items (plus their choice of Ebay tat) they have to rustle up a fancy dress outfit in time for the dreaded magazine photoshoot.

Finally, they must repair a 1987 Cavalier using pattern panels. To their complete surprise, none of the panels fit!.


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#88 OFFLINE   Taff

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Posted 03 April 2014 - 10:26 PM

Ultimate Shite:- Drama.  A crack team of internet ne’er-do wells in one piece black overalls identify the owner of a 1986 Citroën BX who is attempting to sell his car on Facebook

 

Shite under the hammer:- perma-tanned buffoon David Dickinson cackles like a fishwife as a series of blokes who should know better but choose to ignore reality bid on a J reg Proton with no working handbrake.

 

Can’t cope, wont cope:- Hard hitting documentary about mental illness and suicide attempts brought on following a lifetime of fault finding on Italian automotive electrical systems. Contains harrowing scenes

 

Shite on Mars:- Gritty cop drama involving s whole range of ‘70s cars that, with the benefit of rose tinted specs and a huge BBC mechanics budget, are seen to start first time, every time

 

Shitestation:- a chubby girl from Croydon with bad tattoos and wearing just a glittery thong attempts to change the turbo on a 1991 Saab


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so, it's 2am & I'm driving past prostitutes in short strappy dresses with bare arms and legs. I want to stop and offer them 10 minutes in a heated car, but no police officer is going to believe that.


#89 OFFLINE   Sloth in a bowl

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Posted 03 April 2014 - 10:47 PM

Ultimate Shite:- Drama.  A crack team of internet ne’er-do wells in one piece black overalls identify the owner of a 1986 Citroën BX who is attempting to sell his car on Facebook

 

Shite under the hammer:- perma-tanned buffoon David Dickinson cackles like a fishwife as a series of blokes who should know better but choose to ignore reality bid on a J reg Proton with no working handbrake.

 

Can’t cope, wont cope:- Hard hitting documentary about mental illness and suicide attempts brought on following a lifetime of fault finding on Italian automotive electrical systems. Contains harrowing scenes

 

Shite on Mars:- Gritty cop drama involving s whole range of ‘70s cars that, with the benefit of rose tinted specs and a huge BBC mechanics budget, are seen to start first time, every time

 

Shitestation:- a chubby girl from Croydon with bad tattoos and wearing just a glittery thong attempts to change the turbo on a 1991 Saab

 

 

I note that the Saab is still knackered, however I preferred the Preston lass, she had prettier eyes and better norks.


  • eddyramrod likes this

Future Shite - 2014 Skoda Octavia VRS

Past Shite - 1974 Datsun 260Z

Current Shite - 2003 Megane Coupe

To be fixed Shite - 1981 Suzuki SC100

 

Previously owned shite

84 Fiat Uno - Rusty

94 Renault Laguna Mk1 - Breaky

02 Volvo V40 - Steady

99 The Scotoshite Kia/Volvo Pride - Funny

00 Ford Puma - Giggly

 


#90 OFFLINE   Taff

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Posted 06 April 2014 - 03:20 PM

Shite, camera, action!- reality TV series with the Traffic division of Cumbria Police who, having been stripped of funding by the government, have resorted to selling the pursuit car footage to make ends meet. Hilarious scenes featuring an east-European immigrant driver of a Mk3 Astra with poor English skills and no valid UK licence getting accidently tasered in front of his 8year old daughter!

 

Britain’s got shite- Talent show, where a panel of Piers Morgan, Simon Cowell and a woman who once stripped naked on TV spend 40 seconds evaluating your car before criticising you, your family and career choices.

 

Sun, sea & shite. This week in Cyprus where an Irish girl you’ve never heard of and a welsh bloke with good abs and impossibly white teeth tour Kyrena and spunk up all over a rusty Austin 1100 with bald cross plies and a shagged-out A-series.

 

Have I got shite for you – topical news show where the panel are shown a series of clips from motoring-themed programmes and are expected to make witty comments about it. Team captains this week are Leepu and Vikki B/H.

 

Shitestation:- two blonde girls from Durham who look vaguely alike, with bad tattoos and wearing just glittery thongs attempt to change the turbo on a 1991 Saab


  • warren t claim likes this

so, it's 2am & I'm driving past prostitutes in short strappy dresses with bare arms and legs. I want to stop and offer them 10 minutes in a heated car, but no police officer is going to believe that.





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